Tag Archives: WonderGIRL

WonderGIRL’s holiday and year reflection

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A little bit about me right now:
I’m doing horse lessons. I go to a private school and I’m like super excited about it. I don’t know. What am I supposed to say? I’m in a good home? 

What do you want to be when you grow up and why?
I want to be a baker and two times a week, we will have kids come in. I like doing hands on objects and I like kids so both of those things combined is a great job.

What’s on your Christmas wish list this year?
– clothes
– romance books
– gift cards to places

What did you work hard on in 2018?
– trying to have connections with my family
– trying to trust my parents
– doing things without freaking out…..like working out and saying yes when I don’t like the directions

Favorite parts of 2018:
My sweet sixteen because my family was there and I got to enjoy hanging out with them. I love bonfires and we got to have one. At first, I wasn’t so sure about my new school but now I’m happy I switched and I like it there. I was super excited about being in my school’s Christmas play. I was Mary. Our adoption celebration when we went out to Red Robin I remember too because I like celebrating that every year.

Hopes for 2019:
I hope that I keep my grades up and that I earn more trust. I hope that kids in foster care get a home because I know what it feels like and it sucks. I want them to know that they are loved. I hope for Mama and Daddy to not be so stressed next year and I will do my best to keep that stress down.

A look back on the her highlights from 2016

On being the nurturing enemy….

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These words. A title for a role I am still working to understand. A role I’m not sure I want on the worst of days. And a role that was gifted to me, I accepted and now am working to grow into…..one day, one trigger, one kiddo at a time. We are battling big time with love and trust with our WonderGirl…..at this teenage crossroads, will she lean in or push us away? Let us protect her or forge out on her own?

In many ways, we are parenting a 3 year old. Someone who knows we are the mom and dad and knows we are safe but still needs to test the boundaries of their independence and new skills. How far away can I stray and those people over there will still be there when I return? And then you add in hormones, same-age peer comparisons and a complete lack of working memory…..and our battles can be exhausting.

So when I come across an article that literally makes me have my own fight, flight or freeze response with complete acknowledgement of all my insides….I just felt compelled to share. For other trauma mamas of course and for our tribes to get some perspective….not for pity but just for grace and understanding. Which is all we really want anyway…..

The most realistic quote I have come across in my years of the foster/adopt world:
“In many ways, the primary caregiver who steps in to parent, raise, and care for a child whose trust has been previously broken is often approached as the nurturing enemy. I have no words to describe how devastating and utterly depressing this reality is. It’s a mixture of hopeless and helpless, with an extra-large side of carnal frustration and a daily sprinkling a Divine Grace that is only ever enough to help you persevere through whatever current challenge is before you.”

Read the full article here.

My sweet WG is amazing in so many ways and I don’t want to take that away from her. She is loving, nurturing to others, a bundle of joy, and the list goes on and on. Many who meet her probably are baffled at my stories based on her behavior in public and social settings. And I am okay with the sometimes divergent path of this parenting journey with her…..it’s part of what we were called to do. And it’s also extremely helpful when others understand the struggle and come alongside us as we set boundaries for her and place expectations and restraints that might be against what THEY view as her needs or us being too harsh to a “normal teenage girl.”

And to all the other “nurturing enemies” reading this, I see you, I feel you, I know we stay in and isolate ourselves to of protection……so please come over for a glass of wine or coffee (or both) sometime. Swear words, slammed doors, and the potential of violence may be an added bonus to your beverage but so will empathy, compassion, and a whole lot of connection too.

 

Update on WonderGIRL

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Many of you have been asking how my little (okay not so little) WonderGIRL has been doing after a rough end of middle school and through this summer transition into high school. Thank you for caring about her and us and our household enough to ask these questions knowing that the answer might not be (and most likely won’t be) the coveted “miracle” transformation of a young girl saved by her adopted forever family.

I don’t share a lot of WG’s personal story on here because it is HERS and hers alone to share. But I will share my own story and that is one of struggle on how to help, when to not help, when to step back, when to step in and all the decisions and doubt about these decisions creep in to my brain and camp there for days and nights on end.

The beautiful and messy thing with kids with trauma is that when you DO dive into their story and find a counselor/coach/intervention that will help them, all the feelings and all the triggers come back into your world stealing your lovable little person away from you and inserting tantrums and hurtful words around every corner.  While stuffing those memories and those feelings is often the EASIER route….it is not often the healthy one. So I sat back after WG’s 4th counselor moved onto a different career away from a community agency and waited for the RIGHT counselor and a specifically trained counselor in attachment, as my Mama gut knew that THIS piece was so much more important than just talking about her past abuse. Even though that meant our daughter wasn’t involved in every professional’s most urgent suggestion to have her in counseling after she ran away….I knew in my heart this was what needed to happen.

And two sessions in with an amazing new counselor that included lots of tears and attacks toward me but with someone that WG finally trusted…..I am so grateful I did this because we have REAL feelings now people! My once overly numb WonderGIRL is feeling things in a new way and actually talking about them…..these feelings being unveiled right now sound like verbal attacks on me and comparisons to her biological mom and I am sooooo okay with that because I feel like they are memories being dug up within the magical garden of her heart. I don’t garden and I don’t know anything about it but I do know you can’t grow a successful and beautiful garden without dealing with and taking out the weeds.

So to answer your well-intentioned questions about how WG is doing…..we are okay. Tomorrow we might not be and that’s okay too. We’ll do some weeding and then we’ll “water” the garden with love and laughter and watching silly teenage shows together and start again. I am equal parts anxious and excited for her to start her high school career….if for nothing else, we get to insert more trusted adults into her life to teach her lessons about caring adults and felt safety wherever she goes. No matter what classes she takes and what grades she gets in her high school career, this is the most important thing she needs from education right now.

This picture above is what I returned to after a particularly ugly interaction while running around our neighborhood. She left mad but obviously turned a corner and was willing to talk about it when we got home. Love this…..

And when in doubt, turn the camera around and take some silly selfies. The true way to a teenager’s heart…..

A WONDERful 2016

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My intention with this blog was/is to document the big and little stories of US just as we are. Here are a few slices of that world that I hope never to forget.

First of all, these two littles ones love each other so much. Their joy and giggles when they are around each other are truly unique, considering how many years are between them. This year, they begun having some deeper conversations but also begun pestering each other to no end. And while I know that is a normal sibling phenomenon, I find a spark of comfort in their endless bickering because it is far better than their dysfunctional parenting dynamic when they came to live with us….in our home, when WB and WG are exhibiting age-appropriate and normal behaviors, even the problematic ones, we are happy about it!WonderGIRL’s highlights from 2016:First of all, these pictures give me all the feels because our LITTLE girl is growing up. Especially in the last 6 months or so, her attitude, demeanor and looks have really matured. I am especially proud of how much she is overcoming in regards to adjusting to our new family and accepting/processing her past family and memories that pop up for her. We are really grateful for a great counselor for WonderGIRL to help with this processing because sometimes my own emotions can cloud the true listening that she needs.

This year, she got braces, a new cell phone, and a broken leg as she performed a pretty awesome front flip at the Trampoline Zone. This year, she also complained about her braces, lost her cell phone due to breaking our fairly strict contract, and gained lots of sympathy and attention for said broken leg…..all markers of a darn-near typical teenage girlie.

WonderGIRL’s highlights:
Movie: Moana (girl power!!!) and Pirates of the Carribbean
TV show: Gilmore Girls with mama
Books: Twilight series and A Dog’s Purpose/Journey
Music: Ariana Grande, Alessia Cara and Justin Beiber
Favorite memory: Getting my phone (she says with jazz hands above her head)
Funniest quote that Mama’s brain can remember on Dec. 30th: “This sand is so different than the sand in Cannon Beach.” (Mama: “Uh….this is Cannon Beach”). Her memory and attention skills create some pretty humorous (and repetitive) conversations, let me tell ya.

WonderBOY’s highlights:
This boy turned 8 this year and while I still view him as my little squishy, cuddly, little guy….sometimes his maturity and logic really amaze me (as does the picture above where he looks so darn grown up)! This year, he has finally started connecting the dots between making good choices and being truthful and how much more peaceful our days can be together. He is down to only 1 timeout every couple of weeks and that, my friends, is a miracle. There are many times during family conversations that WB has the appropriate and wise answer regarding behavior and choices before his big sis.

This year was our first conference at school, that his BEHAVIORS fit in with the rest of his peers. Although he still struggles with some learning, he is respectful and focused in class and we are so proud of him for that! At home, WB is most often found in his underwear as this kid just runs at a hotter temperature than the rest of us. With the big snow that came this year, we had to buy some athletic leggings to go under his usual uniform of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Speaking of basketball, he began playing on an organized team this year and we love watching his skills and understanding of the game grow and grow. My coach’s heart and brain is especially happy when I see what a good teammate he is from the bench, cheering on his teammates and supporting their every move.

WonderBOY’s highlights:
Movie: Sing
TV show: Teen Titans GO!
Books: Notebook of Doom and Eerie Elementary
Music:Jason DeRulo and FloRida
Favorite memory: Great Wolf Lodge, Portland on the train, and Cannon Beach
Funniest quote that Mama’s brain can remember on Dec. 30th: “Hey there how ya doing….balk balk” (said in an extremely cute and accurate parrot voice with a switch to a chicken for the finale)This pic cracks me up because we get this blank look as soon we ask WB to do something he doesn’t want to do. We’re onto you and your little tricks of looking cute to get out of hard work…..and it only worked a few times half the time mister.

Thank you for reading this little blog stroll along memory lane…..I can’t wait to check back in a year and see how far they will continue to grow and thrive! Cheers to a new year!!!

Wonders take over the blog….holiday edition

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WonderGIRL (age 14) on……
Holiday traditions – I think that some are like really good because you get to learn more about your family and I like spending time with my family. My favorite traditions are going to church on Christmas Eve, look at lights with music on, and a scavenger hunt for our gift. We always do the Christmas Countdown and then we do things for other people and look out for others like praying, and learning the Christmas story from the bible.

My broken leg – It’s really annoying. I wish I could run around and that I could walk normally. When it’s wet, I fall which is embarrassing. However, I do like that I don’t have to do PE or run so that’s kind of nice. I also get out of some chores so I like that.

Romantic relationships – Well….I think it’s a good thing because you get to learn how to love even though it’s hard when you break up. If you do it at a young age, then you can make smart choices when you’re older like my Mom who chose the perfect man to marry. I think you should go slow and not rush anything. Not very many people at my school do anything….they just tell people they are dating and then don’t do anything because they don’t want their parents to know. I only know one couple who holds hands. Scott doesn’t like the idea of me going out with anyone because he thinks that guys are not very kind and he also thinks that it would be unsafe. He says I can’t date until I’m 32. My mom says if I’m mature and can handle rules at home and with my phone, then maybe when I am a sophomore and 16, I can possibly date but it depends on my behavior. She always says that my choices will affect her choices. Rules = maturity.

Christmas wishes – I want $25 for my middle school yearbook. I also want the Magic Light speaker and really really want this Wowie Chip Dog, but my Mom says that they are not choosing to spend their money on that because I tend to lose and break expensive things. My wish for others is that my family adopts another child so we can help others have a Christmas where they are safe.

Tomorrow…..WonderBOY gets a turn at being witty and clever on the blog.

On the broken leg

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….and how God used this little tibia to give me some needed reminders about my role in WonderGIRL’s world. For those of you that know our family….you know we LLLLOOOOVVVEEEE going to the Trampoline Zone. So on one fateful trip, WonderGIRL was showing off her front flip moves and cracked a bone (insert entire ER admitting staff rolling their eyes here). And although she showed us yet again how absolutely tough she is through it all….a few lessons stuck out to me that I thought I would document and share.
WG and I had been battling pretty good the last couple of months. As a typical teenager, she was pushing boundaries with us her parents and testing out her independence in some areas. As a non-typical teenager whose brain and impulse control is greatly impacted by her trauma, she was questioning the adoption and pushing us away in fear that all of this permanency stuff was really just a dream. Her nightmares of us leaving/dying/divorcing were happening nightly and her behavior aimed at creating distance between us and her.

But of course….I’m only processing all of that brilliantly and with compassion in true perfect HINDSIGHT because while I was in it…..you better believe there were more swear words than empathy in my brain regarding the lying, manipulation and defiance that triggered me day in and day out.And not that God knew that one month into being “legal parents” we would need a reminder that we are never fully in control of keeping our kiddos safe from every harm. But I am questioning whether or not HE intentionally set up a scenario where our beloved WonderGIRL grace would break her leg in order to teach me a few things…..

Some truly magic events happened immediately after the break, I bathed my child. I helped her walk. I did her hair. I picked out her clothes. Things I never got to do with her because we got her at age 11….when she could already do those things herself and where some of those things were not appropriate due to her abuse. I got to mother my child in ways and from stages that I never got to experience in real time. And during those times, her eyes lit up, she was giddy, and I fell more in love with her than I already was. It was true attachment in a way that I’m sure my education and training had told me to do in other ways before this point but I chose to ignore (insert my hubby being right about this very thing and rolling his eyes when he reads this here).

This NEED for me and my care reminded me of her NEED for this attachment, even when her biological age doesn’t call for it and even when my education and training tell me what is appropriate/inappropriate for her. This mom-tuition is real and I love that God gifted me with it to care with such amazing and vulnerable little beings.