I love giving gifts that mean something to the receiver and honoring something from that particular point in time. I don’t always knock it out of the park and sometimes I just run out of time, but I was excited about a few things this particular Christmas.
Honoring a lost loved one: The Wonders’ biological mother passed away a few years ago which resulted in some complicated grief for both of them in their own ways. I wanted to honor her memory in a way that both of them could access when desired and for years to come. We had saved letters that she had written to the kiddos when they were in foster care and she was working on getting them back. Although the entirety of the letter is not her handwriting, I knew the signature was and had that made into special bracelets for them.
The box included the bracelet, the original letter, and a laminated picture of her signature to keep all in one special spot.
Honoring a hard year(s): Each year, our family members write letters to each other and those are the first things we open Christmas morning. I combined my love of photos with my new favorite song/anthem of the year (from my favorite new podcast of the year). Each time I heard this song, I would imagine what it would be like for each of my family members to TRULY believe the words and live their truth and best, healed lives moving forward and it got me each time. If you ever saw me singing in my car, it was most likely to this song at a high volume (or a 90’s hip hop playlist). Their “letters” included a special picture from this year, a card explaining the lyrics and a special laminated (can you tell I got a laminator for Christmas?) picture with the lyrics overplayed for them to display somewhere they might need it.
Stay tuned for another blog post with one more special present I gifted this year. What was your favorite that you watched someone unwrap with love this year?
I struggled with what to call the experience of WonderGIRL moving out of our house unexpectedly this last summer – although many writers talk about it as a transition (when your teen moves out or goes to college) defined as “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another”….that just didn’t fit this particular experience.
Our experience was much less of a process and ongoing period but a jump off a cliff into the anxiety-ridden unknown. And as we move forward, I am going to write about this experience just from my point of view and not sharing a lot of details about her or her choices during this time – and the reason I’m writing about it at all is to practice my own form of self-care and survival and my own processing of disenfranchised grief that happened during this time.
At the end of July, WG decided she was ready for adulthood outside of our home. While I am sure she was fully convinced she had the skills necessary to do so at the time, I knew a different story but had no control one way or the other. In Brene Brown’s newest book (must-read BTW), she writes, “as it turns out, being able to see what’s coming doesn’t make it any less painful when it arrives.” Because the thing is, we PREPARED for this transition. We were talking about her adulthood with her therapist starting at the age of 16! We purchased a house to transition into a downstairs apartment for her. We had countless conversations spelling out (and acting out awkwardly) every hard thing she might encounter and how her emotions might react to front load her body’s reaction. We provided all the safety and the protection and the structure that all the books said we should.
The only picture I have of us during this time period. We saw each other less than 5 times in 5 months.
And I’m pretty sure the hurt and the grief was the same amount as folks that literally didn’t even see the cliff looming ahead. After she left, we tried to set up regular meeting times – they all fell through. After she left, I tried to text and remind her of our unconditional love – they weren’t returned. After she left, I checked my phone obsessively just for a sign that she was still alive or hadn’t ended up at the ER for suicidal thoughts. I felt twinges of hope when she sounded lucid and genuine and then waves of despair when I encountered the shell of a daughter I had raised for the last 7 years.
I truly felt like a failure – I did all the things that I knew how to do from countless trainings on the effects of trauma. I did all the things I thought I should do as a foster/adoptive mama. I advocated for her in all the ways I knew how to – and it still ended like this and her choices were that of any other kiddo aging out of foster care (I’ll share those devastating stats below) – so what was all the heartache, the criminal trial, the social workers, the allegations, the painful moments even for?!?!
This feeling (not her or her actions, just MY bodily response) sent me into a state of depression for quite a few months this Summer/Fall. People even reached out to me with typical requests to share my blog or talk to their friends about adopting or taking in teens with trauma and I told them I was the wrong person to ask – I would have told them to run the other way!!!!
I went to work and to volleyball and sometimes thought of nothing else besides returning to my bed and Netflix the second I could. I found small pockets of joy (especially during volleyball) that kept me going but was having a hard time. I found this image while scrolling social media and it resonated with me for that time period – like I’m going to work and outwardly showing signs of flourishing, but definitely ALSO in a period of depression.
And just in case someone you know is in a similar state, I thought I would share a little section titled “What helped me during this time period?” – my husband and WB understanding my grief and letting me be – check ins with our therapist – vocalizing my struggle to my colleagues and my volleyball team – adjusting my goals of movement and self-care to accurate standards (work out 1/week vs everyday for example) – texts that just say “checking in” without any judgement if I don’t respond – being clear with my boundaries (“I don’t want anyone to come in my room tonight”, “I can’t go to that family thing – you need to go without me.”)
Although WG didn’t technically age out while “in the system”, any history of foster care and a trauma-brain can contribute to these outcomes.
Again, I am writing about this experience just to process it for myself but also to highlight a journey that I don’t see revealed in many other places. Having a struggling adult child with mental health issues is SO ISOLATING – you care about their privacy and dignity with their own story and can’t share the same as with a little child, yet folks really don’t know how to help or what to say even if you do share. So you spare them that experience and say nothing…..
As I am still smack-dab in the middle of this transition, other things I’d like to document here: – what I learned (about myself, about young adults with her background, about our system) – the impact on my marriage
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WonderGIRL – we couldn’t be more proud of you. Yes, of the graduation and your sweet personality and the landing of your first job….but MOSTLY for the work you’ve put in and the emotional growth you have shown over these last 8 years with us. It has taken excruciating painful hours and tears to get to this point but you’re DOING it – you are changing the wiring of your brain. You’re blazing new trails for your future family. You’re learning to love in healthy ways. Ready for the world you are….we can’t wait to walk alongside you and cheer you on. Love, Team Hoelzle Brown (your #1 fans always)
It’s been a while since we did some interview questions – let’s capture her brain, thoughts, and dreams as she heads into her 19th trip around the sun!
What Makes You Happy? My job and my boyfriend. Rexie – the cat. And music….like country and love songs. My favorite song right now is “Don’t You Want to Know” by Noah Schnacky.
What Makes You Sad? Missing my sister Haillee.When bad things happen to good people…..like when others die for no reason (car accident) or when someone loses someone they love.
What is Your Favorite Thing to Do? Hang out outside of this house. Get ice cream. Sleep.
What is Your Favorite Food? Spaghetti – the “OG” kind. Not anything fancy.
What Do You Like to Learn About? People’s lives.
What WAS Your Favorite Subject in School? Culinary….because I enjoy the teacher and it was fun to learn new recipes.
Who is Your Best Friend? Sophia – She is understanding and loving no matter what.
What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up? I DON’T KNOW (she says frustrated). Right now I’m a caregiver at an assisted living home – I love the residents, but am not sure I can emotionally handle some of their struggles.
Where Would You Like to Travel? I want to go to Paris one day. I want to visit Rome. I want to go to Georgia again. Disneyworld would be fun. And London.
What’s Your Favorite Place to Be? The beach and water – it’s very soothing.
What Are Your Favorite Shows to Binge? The Vampire Diaries, Gilmore Girls, Legacies and On My Block
What Would You Buy Right Now If You Could? A new bed….because I don’t want my old one anymore. Because there’s too many memories and hard emotions on it.Or a house.
Where do you hope to be in 1 year from now? I hope to have a stable job. I hope me and (boyfriend) are still together. I want to be more accepting of myself (with the help of you – Mom). And I hope to be driving with my license by then as well.
“she will RISE with a spine of steel and a roar of thunder”…..and she did just that. Happy graduation day sis!!
We couldn’t be more proud of you and the amazing human being you’ve turned into. Continue to shine your light for all to see and always remember you’re so much more than what has happened to you.
A look back at each grade….the photos (sorry sis), the memories, the favorite teachers, and lessons learned! Enjoy!
5th grade This is the year I met my WonderGIRL. She was new to our elementary school (since moving in with her Grandma the summer prior) and very excited to meet with me whenever she had the chance. I had a special lunch for all of our new Nooksack students and left a small paper invite on her desk the day of the event. She bounced in enthusiastically and was instantly the life of the party. Long story short….after that day, we had weekly meetings uncovering crisis after crisis outside of school, which led to a disclosure, which led to placement in foster care, which led to a final spot in our home. At the end of the school year, we cleaned out her backpack and tucked inside a little pocket was the invite from me to the special lunch she had saved…..when I asked her why she saved it, her reply was “It was the first time I had ever received an invitation to anything.” (insert heartbreak here).
I didn’t get her school pic this year but she participated in dance this year and loved it! I however had a lot to learn about being a dance Mom – her teacher, Mrs. Jones had to drag me kicking and screaming instruct me every step of the way.
I am BEYOND grateful for the staff at NES for their support of WonderGIRL and little bro (and ME) this school year. The pursuit of their foster placement then inviting them to our home, then working through childcare and juggling my life as a new and instant parent was as HEAVY and chaotic lift and this staff held me and the kiddos above water daily and I will never forget these months in transition with them. They were equal parts therapists, feeding specialists, bodyguards (against bio family), and most importantly, our cheerleaders every step of the way.
Mrs. Malpica
Ms. Tjoelker and Mrs. Maxwell
Middle School 6th-8th grade Well….I was going to try to go year by year but this entire season of our life was a bit of a blur. As the honeymoon phase ran out in our home for both kiddos, middle school was a TOUGH time for WonderGIRL. She was facing insurmountable trauma with a looming criminal trial against her bio father (where she had to testify in person) and at the same time, trying to attach and be cared for by our family. School had always been a safe place where WG could leave the troubles of home and create her own world of personality, attitude and stories to get what she needed…..and middle school was no different. We learned how to tackle missing assignments and homework (with minimal bumps and bruises), managing multiple teachers and expectations (very challenging for kids with trauma still early in attachment skills), and a lot of lessons in friendships – the creating and keeping of quality relationships during this stage was hard.
6th grade
7th grade
8th grade
During her 7th grade year, we got to adopt WG and going to the school to tell her she was legally free to adopt is one of my favorite memories of this time. Her teachers rallied around her excitement and shared the joy as if they were in our family as well.
8th grade was a bit of a minefield with behaviors and academics – but we survived and were ready for a fresh start in a new home and new school district.
Freshman Since moving to Ferndale, we knew that WG would start her career at Ferndale High School (my alma mater) and I was excited for her to experience new opportunities, new classes, and new students to create friendships with here that lived close to us. She had mixed feelings about the teachers knowing me and all her uncles, but loved taking a variety of classes (especially culinary!) and jumped head first into trying to make new friends (although she would report she could have made some better choices in this arena). All in all, it was a bit of a rough year but we survived and learned some lessons along the way.
Sophomore After we evaluated our safety concerns with WG at the public high school and doing some research, we decided to enroll her at a tiny private school down the road from us. We were confident with a small class size and one teacher for an entire day, WG would be able to cope appropriately with her social-emotional needs, and be able to access academic learning. This year, she met Ms. Hanson, literally a teacher angel sent down from heaven, to be WG’s teacher. WG instantly felt connected to her and trusted her (two vital precursors to kids with trauma being able to learn) and later we found out that this teacher had a trauma and adoption history of her own….her understanding and protection of WG this year was such a blessing to our family.
The structure and predictability that this school provided for WG created a “trauma-responsive” school setting that truly allowed WG to grow academically in big ways. We began to see growth not only in her assignments, but in her truth telling, friendship skills, and trust in us as her caregivers.
Junior Because of Ms. Hanson, we decided to try another year at this school. The growth continued. WG now had a best friend from the school that she was inseparable with and started dating, both milestones that created a lot of lessons (and some grief and loss) this school year. Our beloved Ms. Hanson had to leave before the end of the school year, thus proving the only thing keeping WG at this particular school was the felt safety and care that she provided. Plus we felt WG had made some huge improvements in her behavior, trustworthiness, and academics enough to be ready to finish her schooling at FHS.
Senior We are so proud of WG this year finishing stronger than ever academically, socially, and beyond. When hearing the results of her cognitive and academic testing for her special education plan, our team was in awe of her jump in scores in every area. I knew that her inner healing from daily (forced) movement and oils, private school, years of counseling, and other methods had done wonders…..but it was nice to hear them in number/evaluation form too.
This was also the year she finally received her spinal fusion surgery (originally scheduled a year prior). That journey is an entire story on it’s own. Click here to read.
WG’s goal this year was for peers and teachers to see her as completely different than her freshman year. And I’m hoping they did….because we do! Ending the year, she already started a job as a caregiver at a local assisted living home, has a wonderfully sweet boyfriend, and is working on financial savings to start paying bills to truly transition to “adulthood.” Next up – graduation and our grad party with our amazing network of supporters…..all the celebrations for how far she has come and how far we believe she can go from here!
5 months ago, we were anxiously waiting for 2 rods and 22 screws to be installed into WonderGIRL’s back by an amazing surgical staff at Seattle Children’s…..now here we are, pain-free and working on what a healthy attachment between Mama and daughter actually means and feels like after 7 years together.
Early last year, I saw the idea of a house assistant from an oily leader I follow and was immediately intrigued. While I don’t necessarily make enough to justify hiring someone to do this full time, I know that my mental health would significantly improve if I could “outsource” small little projects and goals I have each week that tend to always be on my list and never get checked off.
WonderGIRL hasn’t been cleared to work quite yet since her spinal fusion surgery in September but has quite the itch to start earning and saving money. And since she has turned 18, we are starting the process of transitioning to experience what it’s like to pay bills, rent, etc. practice which you can’t practice if you don’t earn money!! Which led to my idea to have WG start some hours each week as our house assistant…..
The interview process – I “posted” the job for her to read and then she called and asked for an interview. We are trying to really simulate an actual working environment versus just glorified chores whenever she can fit in….hence the silly interviews.
She has worked for two weeks now (two shifts per week) and I think this might be my best parenting idea YET! I have found that I am more motivated to clean/get projects done when I make a list for her shifts and then the mental health and clarity I feel when said projects are completed has been huge for me!!!
Don’t tell her this but basically her list each week consists of things I know I should do around the house but basically don’t want to or have been putting off – then when it’s done, I think “Oh ya!!! that’s why I put that on my list way back when!!”
My goal this month was to PRIORITIZE….my time, my spaces, and people – and sometimes this prioritizing means you have to hack other parts of your world that are taking away from those priorities.
So….just an idea of any of you with a teen in your house that is not finding work OR other mamas (especially with network marketing businesses – what she does for my oils gig (organizing and creating samples, mail, filing paperwork, cleaning supply room, etc.) has been life changing. And if you don’t think someone in your own family might fit the bill for what you need, maybe think about hiring out – so many wonderful humans out there right now that might need work.
And then the payoff – what she bought with her own money recently!!!
OOF – I was NOT prepared for how hard it was going to be to support WonderGIRL’s recovery at home from this procedure. Up all night, trying to manage the excruciating pain and pain meds, and the needs of other members of our family was something I am sure newborn parents know the demands of, but we had never experienced.
Luckily, brother and Dad were great helps in keeping her brain distracted from the pain (shows she binged: Vampire Diaries (again), The New Girl, Julie and the Phantoms) and going on walks in the sunshine.
The care and exchanges that happened during this time were so powerful for WG to attach to me….something that hadn’t happened in 6 years of her living with us. Many do not know, but WG has suffered from reactive attachment disorder for most of our time together – meaning she very easily trusts and attaches to most humans, but hasn’t to us, her caregivers and especially me, her mother. Up until this point, she hasn’t come to me for help when needed, doesn’t miss me when away, and doesn’t actively seek out any affection or attention from me.
The bonds that happened during this recovery were just what she needed to feel tethered to me and on the first day I went back to work in-person, I got many text messages “missing me.” She even told me after work that she thought something was wrong with her because she “thought about me all day.” We got to explain that this was actually normal for children and similar to what a toddler feels when being dropped at childcare for the day. I am grateful for this surgery in giving us all chances to heal and move forward.
A few progression pics from her one-month follow up appointment and scar healing:
This is “Mocha”, WG’s Higgy Bear, a present we found for her on the day of her one-month check up. She named him Mocha, in honor of the winner of the nurse milkshake competition. We got her a monkey, since she was telling all nurses that she wanted to get a pet monkey when she grows up while under the influence of her pain meds.
Upon returning home, a dip in the hot tub was the first “cleared” adventure.
Thank you all of your love and check-ins on her progress. We are still amazed at the freedom that this procedure has given her….and can’t wait to see her mobility and flexibility grow and grow in the months and years ahead.
After almost 8 hours in surgery, our surgeon came out to let me know that everything went smoothly with the procedure….and what an amazing procedure it is – 2 rods and 22 screws later!
I’m still in awe!
I will say, WonderGIRL coming down from the anesthesia was filled with scary delusions and statements. I am glad I was assertive in asking I be there for this process (they usually don’t let parents in until the patient is all the way lucid) as her past abuse and trauma coming out would have been handled differently by nurses if I had not been there to assure her safety.
That day was also filled with some pretty cute and funny statements.
The following days in the hospital were HARD – she was emotional, in pain, and scared. With only me being there, I didn’t have anyone to “tag in” to the room to support her which was taxing at best. We are so grateful to the nurses in the hospital – they were amazing with WG and participated in her milkshake competitions with joy. `
As soon as WG was out of surgery, she was even asking for Nurse Amy (from the clinic) when barely lucid. Here is a pic with Nurse Amy 2 days after surgery:
Recovery from this surgery is intense – sitting up on day 1 and walking on day 2!! This video of her walking and the amazing nurse guiding her gives me all the proud mama feels….here is a peek at what her scar looks like on Day 3:
On day 4, WG had met all of her post-surgical goals and we got the okay to go home (after leaving with what felt like half the pharmacy at Children’s). As you can imagine, the 1.5 hour ride home with a spinal fusion surgical patient in the passenger seat was a nervous one for me, the driver. About halfway home, our moon roof window IMPLODED and sounded like a bomb went off on top of our car….anxiety times 100 for the rest of the drive home (also….so many pot holes in our neighborhood – sorry sis!).
We arrived home in tears but was quickly encouraged with an outpouring of love from our loved ones….
Next up – recovery at home and how it has impacted our relationships.
WonderGIRL was originally scheduled to have this Spinal Fusion Surgery in November of last year….due to the Children’s Hospital having some mold issues, the surgery was postponed (then Covid, then more mold….then we got a date)!
WG’s scoliosis had progressed to the point of needing surgery (see above x-ray) which you can imagine caused a huge amount of anxiety for her. Any major medical procedure is, of course, cause for anxiety, but for a childhood victim of sexual abuse – the vulnerability of being under anesthesia while strangers “fixed” your body really took a lot of counseling sessions and pep talks to even agree to the surgery. Even when she brought this fear up to her surgeon, the doctor’s response of “You won’t even remember it” did not appease the anxiety at all, instead, it multiplied the fear.
I documented the entire journey on my Instagram stories here if you want to peek – I’ll share a few highlights throughout my blog posts as well.
We had to go down to Seattle the day before for her Covid test and stayed in a hotel nearby….saying goodbye to little bro and Dad were hard (only 1 parent was allowed in the hospital due to Covid) but we tried to have a calm night before heading in early to her procedure.
She was so incredibly brave the morning of, amidst many tears…here she is waiting for the anesthesiologist to come in at 6am in the morning.
