Tag Archives: trauma

Mother’s Day surprises

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Truth be told, I never really look forward to Mother’s Day. Internally, I can be so incredibly grateful for this role that I own and for the children that I get to take care of but every year for our family, it’s so freaking hard and complicated. Tensions are high and patience is short and it never works out the way each individual thinks it’s supposed to.

This year, we were one week out from having to disclose to our Wonders that their first mother had passed away. That they would be robbed of a chance they both wanted to see her again and ask her questions. That a piece of their story that loved them into existence had vanished without any closure.

And so I was worried. Worried that the grief and confusion of that event would stifle their ability to be joyous with me and appreciate their second mama.

Here is where the surprise came in….if you peruse the following images….

A dinner comprised of cheese and crackers (and no fighting or blood please) at the lake – mission accomplished.
Our day began and ended in the same way thanks to the brilliant sunshine that day – snuggles and chats in the little nest I’ve established on our deck.

What do you see? What I felt on that day and the days since has been what I am now calling my Wonders being “untethered.” They are no longer stuck in loyalty between two worlds. No longer feeling guilt if they love me more or wondering if their first mom loves them still. The tug-of-war has been (tragically) ended. And even I, a trained professional in this field, was blown away by how transparent this all was playing out right in front of me. Their mannerisms, their words, and their hugs just felt different and overwhelmingly deeper this year than in days past.

Since they have learned for their first mama’s death, WonderGIRL has been 143% more affectionate and kind toward me (see sweet letter above). The day after we told WonderBOY about the death, he started spontaneously claiming over and over again “you’re the bestest of the bestest of the mamas in the world” and hasn’t stopped since.

Typically as mamas, we don’t like surprises (or is it just me?). We like predictability and control and felt safety. But this surprise has been a good one and I wanted to document this day into history and perhaps adapt my own narrative about Mother’s Day in years to come.

TBD and the roots of behavior

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wonderGIRL note

For the past couple of days, our sweet, joyful WonderGIRL has been HARD. Hard to parent, hard to have patience with, and at times, hard just to be around. Yes, yes, I know 13-year olds are already hard, have attitude, forget everything you say, can’t focus, stomp up the stairs, etc……but our 13 year old with a head and heart full of trauma carries a number of triggers that aren’t included in a typical teenager’s arsenal of weapons against their parents. This is where the frustration of parenting is always underscored by the overwhelming sadness of her story and her past, a lifetime of events that we have NO CONTROL over and can never take away from her.

This morning in church after some arguing and tears from WG, I wrote her a note to remind her that I love her. It read….
Dear WG,
I love you even when you argue and even when you drive me bonkers. I love you because you’re you.
Love, Mama

And pictured above is the note I got in return. This note accurately summarizes the triggers behind the behavior that always come back to her past, her abandonment, and her crazy amount of FEAR in us leaving her. It was a powerful reminder that at my peak of frustration, I need to dive into the reason behind her behavior and open the door of communication for her to share her hurts. We call it “clearing the space” in her brain….clear out the hurt and the fear, so she can fill that space with making good choices and thinking before acting.

Many times when I share my struggles in parenting our two wonders, many well-intentioned people share that their kids do the same things. I believe this is an effort to “normalize” my feelings which I do appreciate and it does make me feel better as a rookie Mama. But what they do not see is the difference in our kiddos – their children were most likely raised in a safe and healthy environment where they know that as bad as they act, their parents will continue to love and protect them. Our children do not know that….that is not their baseline. Their brains were formed under the filter of fear (drowned in cortisol/adrenaline, our stress hormone) and thus, we get behaviors that can be more aggressive, more volatile, and harder to influence. And as I have said before, we embrace this difference and we rise to the occasion with creativity, faith, and a whole lot of humor in moving forward with our story.

And just to end on a cute note, check out WonderBoy’s “notes” during service this morning:

IMG_3022

“I love God and you.”