One of the ways I wanted to challenge myself this year was to focus on my inner narratives and states of BE-ing (see one little word post). Obviously I love writing, blogging, and sharing my story, but was feeling a pull to go a bit deeper and found a course from this amazing Daily Om website (with a ton of different classes if you’re interested).

Although these are a bit more personal, I want to document them (or the ones I feel comfortable to) here so I can reflect on them once the year has come and gone. One of the gifts of my traumatic year is an experience of feeling “broken open” – to my own exploration of self, curiosity and paths forward.

Each week has a different theme with a variety of questions – sometimes I choose one or a couple to reflect on so here we go.

Week 1 – Roadblocks
What is standing in your way right now?
Right now I am in an “in between” phase from resigning from my position and the betrayal trauma in my marriage. So many of the identities that I held TIGHTLY onto and led my purpose are now wiped away, with the opportunity to start again and build myself from the ground up. The enormity of this seems to be a barrier for me right now. I have so many ideas, some conflicting, some foggy, some so big that it’s hard to fathom them coming to fruition.

Can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list? In other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn? What tasks do you need to perform? Who do you need to convince?
To overcome this barrier, I feel like I need to go deep within myself and my. knowing to narrow down my wants for the future. Narrow down my niche and my business plan to move forward. These obstacles are definitely fears – failure is my biggest fear and I don’t want to start this business and not have it succeed. Most other things I have set my mind to in my life have come true…..which has always been a source of pride for me. But it’s also led to this year as I am mid-life and still nowhere further than where I started. I am working on accepting this and being okay in this realization and space.

What is the longest-running obstacle in your life?
The longest-running obstacle in my life has definitely been my body dysmorphia and disordered thoughts/behaviors around exercise and working out. My identity as an athlete ended after my freshman year of college and I had a really hard time with that transition. I couldn’t find joy in fueling my body or exercise as that was always guided for me by coaches and my goals within the sport or activity I was participating in. This has come up for me specifically through this current crisis as my body is reacting to the stress and grief I am feeling. Why do others lose weight and my body is gaining weight? It seems so unfair…..at a time when I am most insecure about myself and my worth, why can’t this one thing just happen naturally for me? I overcame it then with some counseling and surrounding myself with supportive folks – I also found a boyfriend and others that valued my body and spoke truth into some of my insecurities which helped me at the time. I am fortunate now to have a therapist that I feel very safe with to process some of these relapsing thoughts and keep guardrails up on the safety around my disordered urges and triggers.

What steps have you used to make progress toward overcoming it? How far have you come with it? What do you wish would happen? How would that be possible?
I am a researcher – so when I am facing barriers and obstacles I like to research what others have done to overcome it. I suppose I need to do the same with my new business adventure – what business plan and strategy can I follow to start feeling the momentum of sales and success? Who can I network with that will be a guide for me? Starting at the new co-working space is an exciting motivator for me and feels like it will keep me externally motivated toward my goals.