Tag Archives: mental health

On asking for help

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I just recently listened to this podcast episode (highly recommend), highlighting sister Amanda’s experience with stepping into others’ times of needs and how it has shifted her perspective on asking for help. This naturally had me reflecting on my own recent time of need and how difficult it’s been for me to ask for help, but that when I have, the depth and widening of my support system has become crystal clear and has gotten me through multiple dark days.

The three amazing ladies in this episode remark on the act of HELPING and how sacred it feels to be asked to help. I can reflect on those times in my life that I have been asked to step into others’ time of crisis or need as truly some of the most impactful moments I have been a part of. These times include me walking alongside a player of mine with cancer treatments and into her passing, my work with our county mobile response team helping navigate crisis after crisis in our schools and a handful of other personal cases that are not mine to share publicly here. This also lead to me reflecting on how when I don’t ask for help, I am actually denying others’ the chance to feel this impact and value in my life in a similar fashion.

ambigous loss garden metaphor

And because I have just walked a year long process of navigating depression and a number of ambiguous losses (“a person’s profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one”), here are some ideas on what could/do help me so that you can encourage yourself to step into that gap for others. We all know that when when we tell someone else, “please let me know what I can do to help”, this RARELY leads to concrete answers (my own self included here) but in hindsight, I happen to have a number of concrete answers so better late than never right?

Offers of LOVE (aka “help”) to someone going through a private or ambiguous loss:
– clean their house (hiring someone or coming to do it yourself)
– meal offerings (if you’re in my circle, family style Woodstock salad from Guud bowls please and thank you)
– invites so that I have items on my calendar to look forward to and reminders that I am not alone
– walks to get them outside and moving (with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable), bonus points for night walks in the dark so no one can see the crying
– massages or self care (even though this is obvious, I am starting to see the impact of how incredible this experience has been in DISCONNECTING my mind from my body and these kinds of self-care experiences help to soothe that very thing and bring them back together)
– texts or phone calls (even when there is no response): No, it will not make them feel worse. Yes, they definitely read each and every one
– recommendations of impactful books if they are a reader/researcher (bonus points to just send it to their house without asking)
– asking specific questions about counseling and medication support (someone remembering that I have counseling on a certain day and reaching out on that day has been so special and meaningful)
– without permission, making plans to come over and spend time with them (again, with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable)

And to my circle, thank you for doing these things so I have a list to even put out in the world in the first place. Thank you for stepping into my darkness and being the light. I hope to offer it back to you as we adventure along this painful adulting journey side by side, year after year.

P.S. A few books to consider if you find yourself or another in need of some reading, acceptance, exploration into the journey of healing:

On my 2023 – a year in review

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I’ve been hesitant to write this post for a number of reasons but also am motivated to write this post for a number of different reasons. Some of my blog posts have become markers in time where I can read and experience the emotions that have faded over time – the lessons learned and meaning made from those moments are so important for both growth and gratitude moving forward.

My current goal when synthesizing all that I have endured this year is ACCEPTANCE – in particular, “to use my pain as a source of information about what matters most to me, and then to act on it” (from ACT “core processes” by Dr. Steven Hayes). One step in that acceptance for me is reviewing the timeline of this year to see both the JOYS and the absolute SORROW that made up my 2023. I am sure more processing will come for some of these events but for now I will just simply list and add a few snippets/photos as I see fit. Here we go….

January
– Taking WonderBOY to his first Seahawks game
– A week into this year, I was informed that I (as coach) was being investigated for bullying due to parent complaints by my school district
– Bestie’s 40th birthday celebration in Chelan
– Traveled 1-on-1 with WB to Stanford to see my bestie and catch a basketball game

February
– Participated in my investigation interview with third party
– Traveled to Vegas for Pooh’s birthday
– School Counseling conference with so many lovely people I adore

March
– Facilitated a school-wide response for community tragedy in area
– Unexpected death of a dear friend from graduate school
– WonderGIRL got married (my experience of this was complicated at best)
– Contract not renewed for coaching due to “results of the third party report” (see June events) and “going in a different direction”
(ALL 4 of these events happened within 10 days of each other – enter depression/anxiety like I’ve never experienced before)

April
– News article becomes public with commentary flowing freely on the internet
– Shania Twain concert with brother and sis-in-law

May
– Travel to Mexico for my cousin’s beautiful wedding and time with family

June
– First time in 18 years NOT coaching Spring/Summer volleyball
– Year 16 of school counseling comes to a close working alongside an amazing staff and T
– Fire family and in-law camping trips
– Received written reports from third party investigation deeming allegations NOT SUBSTANTIATED (3 months after being fired for said reports)

July
– Took WonderGIRL to Vegas for her 21st birthday
– Another bestie turns 40 and celebrates in Whatcom County
– Death and funeral of an integral teacher and friend in my life
– Attended The Eras Tour and became a converted elder millenial Swiftie for life

August
– Made the incredibly difficult decision to resign from school counseling position to protect my own mental health and stay true to my values
– Once again, grieving the absence of volleyball starting
– My father ends up hospitalized for diabetes-related symptoms for one week with extra care needed beyond hospital visit
– WonderBOY and Scott travel to Alaska for a family fishing expedition
– 11 year wedding anniversary

September
– Establish RootedWELL Coaching, my new LLC business adventure

October
– WB and Scott travel to Wyoming, WB experiences his first kill
– Solo camping adventure for my birthday
– Discovery of my husband’s current/recent infidelity (very end of month)

November/December
– Grieve my marriage, survive my symptoms, rely on my support system
– Start counseling (both individual and marriage) and medication knowing I cannot cope with this particular struggle by myself
– Navigate the holidays (and Apple Cup and birthdays) amidst pain and questioning

In these two months, I have cried and felt more than all the times in my entire life put together. If you know me, you know it is very difficult for me to cry and be vulnerable with my emotions (Enneagram 3 problems). This has opened up a number of experiences for me, including true understanding of what it feels like to walk through attachment trauma AND to fully let others in to help support me through this time. And although I am experienced heightened emotions NOW, the loss of so many pieces of my identity in BLINDSIDING fashion this year is really the true source of my pain long-term and my greatest need to rebuild in the new year.

The glimmer of it all – I have seen and been encouraged by the strength of my Wonders as they also navigate this attachment rupture – their mature words, their empathy and care for me, and their focus on their own coping skills reinforces what seeds I so desperately wanted to plant for them in their hearts and minds. It’s been a bittersweet time for me to see those seeds grow and shine in support of me and our family as we walk through this struggle together.

Some folks might be wondering why I’m including some of these details in my very public blog and here is my response – I’ve always felt aligned with my integrity when I share both the ups and the downs of my life. This is no different. I will be sharing MY experience (with consent from my husband)….and just like others have shared theirs with me, it helps to navigate alongside others who have experienced similar things. Compassion after all means “to suffer together” – my hope is that by me sharing, it can help me make meaning of the events from this past year but also might help someone else in the process of reading by being exposed to new ideas/concepts in their journies. That is and will always be my hope for this blog.

On glimmers

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As I talked about in my previous post, the last 9 months have been excruciating on my mental health, my feelings of self-worth, and on multiple relationships in my world. I learned of “glimmers” last year at some point, but really found myself being intentional with looking for them as a coping skill during the “only kinda” bad days. On the really bad days, I just let myself feel, numb, and hide from the world (also a strategy that works for me in times of stress so I just let it happen and hope it doesn’t turn into too many days in a row).

What is a “glimmer”? In the context of mental health, a “glimmer” typically refers to a small, fleeting, or brief moment of positive emotion, hope, or improvement in a person’s mental and emotional state. It’s often used when discussing individuals who may be experiencing mental health challenges or going through difficult times.

For example, someone going through depression or anxiety may have moments of “glimmer” where they briefly feel a bit better, experience a positive thought, or have a temporary respite from their symptoms. These moments of hope or positivity can be important indicators of progress and resilience in the face of mental health challenges.

Here are a few glimmers I have had the foresight to capture and document with a picture:

The perfect fall leaf.
Hallford preventing Scott from laundry.
Hugs from my players.
Three generations of Browns.
Friendships that span years, seasons, and trials.
These boys always using me as a pillow.
Having the time to help my Dad recover and heal.
PNWonderland.
A treasure made by an impactful man in my life.
Stuck with me forever Elke.
This beautiful new (to me) walking trail.

My challenge to you, whether you’re in the good times or the not so good times, is to wake up and look for the glimmers. Reassure yourself that they’re there – the more you look for them, the more you find. But also, if you don’t or can’t find any, having a no-good terrible bad day is okay too (I am available to have one alongside you if needed!!!!).

40/40 – on my lessons learned

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While reflecting on past moments for this series, it really changed my perspective on moments that were happening in the actual present. Is this moment significant? What makes it special or memorable? Is this something I should reflect on/document or should I just be in it and feel it? What about this moment is standing out to me?

And what I learned is that so many moments ARE significant, in all sorts of ways. Sometimes positive and special but also some are significant because they are utterly heartbreaking and impact the course of our lives or of someone’s life that we love dearly. In my 40th year, what I know for certain, is that the journey of a life is really a never-ending series of heartaches and pain, followed by resiliency and support from loved ones if you’re lucky enough to have those and then sprinkled with content-ness in between (some bigger sprinkles of time than others).

Some of my heartbreaks and pain the last couple of years have been both professionally at work and then personally within my beautifully and messily created family. And the realization and sinking in that I am replaceable in so many different parts of my world – coaching, school counseling, district leadership and in friendships. And all of those systems and people will keep moving on without me….minus the crew that is tied to me through parenting and marriage. I have adjusted the time and energy I spend on the outside world versus the world within these four walls accordingly…not just physical time but also emotional and mental energy as well.

I just want to add in here that this quote should also be available with he/him and they/them pronouns as I do think the grown ups in the home while parenting are the ones that are irreplaceable, not just the “mom”. K rant over.

Some of my other “moments” from this past year that I haven’t documented include:
– WonderGIRL learning her own moments of growth and vulnerability in relationships and work life as she transitions to adulthood
– WonderBOY finding his voice in sharing with others how he feels and what he needs to be in relationship with them
– Scott and I focusing on date nights and travel with each other….even though we mercilessly tease each other to outsiders, I do enjoy his company quite a bit
– little nuggets of love and growth from students at school (the hugs alone are all separate moments I treasure dearly)
– saying no to activities that drain my energy
– showing up to things that fuel my tank
– the opening of the new high school gymnasium and my team’s first match in the facility (okay and winning in 5 was pretty sweet too)
– getting ridiculously sick (2 different times) and relying on my husband and Western medicine
– 2 cups of brewed coffee at home each morning (bonus moment points to when Christmas lights are involved on a dark morning)
– discovering Pickleball along WonderBOY and Scott as a fun and physical family outing
– finding a community of like minded professionals in the school counseling world through Tik Tok
– experiencing WB getting cut from a basketball program and observing him handle it with grace and maturity
– every day in May walking challenge (I definitely want to walk outside more as part of my 2023 goal setting)
– Scott and I checking each other non-verbally when chatting with our teens in order to keep conflicts at a minimum (okay I really hate this but know it’s needed)
– valuing and loving my body in its present form without constant comparison or criticism from my inner thoughts
– Hallford’s visits to my school and his patterns of laying on my chest and purring each and every night
– having an emergency foster placement around Halloween time….watching my husband parent him in such a more connected and positive way than 8 years ago when starting out with the Wonders AND having him bond with my volleyball team
– said foster placement moving away and leaving my school, breaking my heart open to the possibility of fostering again
– critical conversations at work that are making me realize what I want and don’t want as I move forward professionally, working in an education system that is so incredibly flawed but also so incredibly necessary to care for kids
– connecting more with my sister in law through our Sunday walks (and Pho dates when we don’t want to walk)

And to end this post, a quote moving into this next chapter of my 40’s:

27/40 – on no longer being an “athlete”

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From the moment I can remember being a kid, I was both competitive and involved in some type of athletics. Until I became too tall, it was gymnastics. Until everyone (myself included) realized I couldn’t catch or throw a ball, it was softball. From middle school on, I was on all the teams. Volleyball, basketball and track (field to be specific) were the final three that lasted through high school.

My identity was very much wrapped up in this athletic life….practice and game schedules, the friends I hung out with, what clothes I wore….all of it really stemmed from what sport I was playing at the time. Although I wasn’t a star by any means, I did find success in specific sports and really appreciated the leadership potential my coaches saw in me.

This success led to recruitment from WSU to join the rowing team. Being a D1 athlete was both a privilege (my favorite perk: laundry service!) and a hardship. I felt a lot of pressure to perform and rise above my teammates without any prior experience at the actual sport….and I also wasn’t all that great, which was a hard pill for me to swallow at the time.

Some images of my time on the WSU novice crew team.

After choosing not to continue my crew career and focusing on a job (and let’s be honest, my social life) my sophomore year, I started to struggle. Without the scheduling boundaries, a coach to guide and mentor me, and my body/emotions resetting after going 200% for years – I started to struggle with extreme body dysmorphia and developed an eating disorder that took its toll both physically and emotionally. For me, this looked like restricted dieting and way too many hours exercising at our rec center on campus (even to the point of me going 3 times per day for 1-2 hours at a time).

Eventually, I was able to find a balance for myself but knowing what I know now as a professional, I was definitely experiencing what is now known as post-athlete depression. My struggles with self-worth and my body would continue for years, but ultimately made better by maturity, my own control over exercise and dieting, and my supportive social network.

My own experiences have helped me prepare my own senior athletes for this very transition – many of my players get to go on and play college volleyball. But for others, high school is where their status of “athlete” ends. I encourage them to prepare for that transition mindfully. To think about what body movement brings them joy. To create a schedule that feels good to them and surround themselves with others who love and support them, no matter what they look like, what they eat or what kind of exercise routines they participate in. Just exposing them to the struggle of the transition is more than I had knowledge of at the time and I hope that this critical conversation can help them navigate it more healthier than I did.

To parents of teenage athletes, a few things to remember –
1. Their success in sports will be more tied to their emotional health than their physical health. Which one should you be checking in on more?
2. Let the coach coach. What they need from you is a protective and safe buffer that keeps out the pressure and the competition, not adding more on.
3. Monitor their eating, sleep, mental health closely – do you notice any changes? Extra workouts? Less food at dinner? Avoiding meal times altogether?
4. Talk to them about MORE than just sports…..what are their other interests and hobbies? What else can they do in their summer and free time besides training? Maybe you can do it together!!!

*My parents (and every single coach I had) were incredibly supportive of me as an athlete and did not necessarily do anything to put extra pressure on me – nor do I blame them for any of what I developed in college, as they tried to stay connected and I isolated what information they received. My pressure definitely came from myself and an unnecessary need to compare myself to others. But per usual, I like to use my hard stories for good and for prevention, so by sharing my story, I hope you can be more mindful with your own kiddos or athletes that you mentor.

On Ketamine – FAQ’s answered by the husband

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One of my most-read blog posts was documenting my husband’s journey with his own mental health and healing from significant childhood trauma and abuse. Since he was brave enough to share a bit of his story, we have been contacted a handful of times with questions about Ketamine and EMDR, two modes of healing not often talked about when addressing mental health. I thought this might be a good catch-all blog post that anyone can share with someone curious about ketamine and some answers from a pretty blunt, adult male perspective (and I love him for that).

Ketamine journey – part 1 (what is it)
Ketamine journey – part 2 (his perspective)

What happens in a Ketamine session?
You go into a room with a nurse and they take your vitals. Then, talk to you a little bit about how you’re doing. If you’re nervous or anything like that…..then they walk you through next steps like putting the IV line in, getting you an eye mask, and headphones with music. You can talk to them if you need to since they sit there the whole time with you.

How does it feel when you’re under?
First off, they start with low doses and progress upward in the process of your appointments. When they put the IV in, it takes 10-15 minutes for it to kick it out of a 45 minute session. Once it kicks in, I can feel it “coming on” where my body feels fuzzy everywhere but not scary, it’s a nice feeling. After that, it’s hard to explain….when you close your eyes, stuff just starts to come up – it depends on what you’re focused on, what you’re working through. For me, it was past trauma and having conversations with my abuser.

They start you with 6 sessions, 2/week and it progressively gets tougher as time goes on.

What happens if you panic/freak out when you’re “under”?
There is someone there to help talk you down if you do panic and give you choices and control if you want to stop. I ripped the eye mask at one point and they helped calm me down with some different coping strategies (heat, ice, oils, etc.). I only panicked for a short time before I realized I was safe. That was only because I was digging through some deep stuff at that point.

Were you nervous?
The first time – yes. In my first IV, they gave me a small bit of anxiety meds and that helped but then after that, I knew what to expect. I was nervous at the next appointment after a really hard one and then the nurse helped remind me of the procedures that I can request to stop it. Then it was one of my better sessions.

Did it help?
Yes it definitely helped. I have had very little anxiety after I started last year. The ruminating thoughts, which was the biggest thing for me, have pretty much gone. Sine I haven’t been to an appointment in a while, I can “feel the edge” starting to creep back in which is a reminder for me to schedule an appointment.

How often do you need to go?
They suggest 2 sessions a week for 3 weeks. After that, you do 1 a month for 3-4 months. And then every other month. At this point, I schedule sessions as needed. It’s been 2 months right now and I want to schedule another session before summer ends.

How is Ketamine different than traditional talk therapy and/or medication?
I did both of those things for years and there’s not anything wrong with those, I just personally plateued with those methods. Ketamine helped me be present in my trauma/mind’s eye and deal with it in “real time” through conversations or observing what happened with my adult brain. I realized that trauma was definitely stored in my actual body (which my wife has been telling me for years) and my left side actually was agitated more during treatments which is interesting and proved that point to me.

How do I know if Ketamine is a good choice for me?
If you have been trying other things like therapy, medication, or other mental health interventions and it feels like nothing is working or stagnant (also known as treatment-resistant anxiety/depression)- this is an option for you to look into. You can call the place for a consult and they ask you questions about your history of trauma, medication, referral and hopes for the treatment to address your anxiety and depression.

Even after him enduring this interview, he offered to talk to anyone with questions about his experience, so if that’s you – let me know and we can set it up.

Happy Father’s Day to a perfectly imperfect father….

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This man has been completely transformed by becoming a father….a father to a number of kiddos who ONLY knew a father that was abusive, manipulative, and barely provided even a slight version of love and nurturing to them.

And just like many fathers, he had to grow into the role over time and that wasn’t easy. Understanding the dynamics of each child and figuring out to humbly love them unconditionally, as well as navigate his own childhood triggers and feelings about parenting.

What I love the most about the example he shows them and is very open to expressing to them…..is admittance of his struggles and roller coaster of mental health journey. And a constant willingness to get help for those struggles….to become a better father, husband and person always. That is what they need to see….a vision for their future, not only for their own health but for the health of their future family relationships as well. When they hit bumps in their roads, I hope they look back and remember their father hitting the same bumps and seeking help from his community, his family, and mental health professionals.

I am so very proud of the journey towards true and healthy fatherhood this man has taken. And while it makes me a bit jealous, seeing the love and adoration the Wonders have for him through the ups and the downs is truly magical.

And boy do our nieces love their “Uncle Sock” as well….so cute!

Click here for some cute words from the Wonders on Father’s Day 2016.

Ketamine journey – part 2

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From his perspective:
Ketamine treatments (see part 1 for “what is ketamine”?) have been life changing for me. The treatments have allowed me to think clearly. It has taken my anxiety that i have had most of my life and made it almost non existent. The best way I can describe it is that I can finally breath, but not in the physical sense. I feel like I have clarity and a thousand pounds of gunk as been removed from my chest. 

WB and I waiting for Dad after his last session!

NW ketamine has been amazing every step of the way. They have answered all my questions and took away any anxiety or nervousness i had about the process. Their clinic is so inviting and relaxing. The staff is incredible. You’re in a room with a nurse and you sit in a giant comfy chair. There are all kinds of essential oil scents to smell during the process. 

During the infusion the only way I can explain it is you are seeing things through your minds eye. It is an out of body experience that is hard to describe. I never felt scared or unsafe. The nurse is always there in case you need to talk to them. One of the most impactful things for me was that I actually got to “talk” to my abuser and finally say no. Also during this process I was actually able to see in myself that I have worth. If you know me, that is not something I’ve ever done or thought. 

PS. I listen to non lyrical Native American flute music on my AirPods during the session (he really felt you needed to know this part.)

  • Celebration lunch at Fogo De Chau in Bellevue.
  • How cool are these elevators?!?!?!

From my (wife’s) perspective:
I have a lighter and more free husband after the last three weeks of treatment. PTSD and other mental health diagnoses can feel like a jail cell sometimes and can be incredibly isolating when others don’t know the heaviness of what is happening behind closed doors. He is slower to react and more gentle in his interactions with me and the kiddos. I am so grateful we have a supportive network that can suggest these modes of treatment and that we have the resources to seek them out for ourselves and our family. I am also grateful my husband loves me enough to listen to my ideas and try them out, making himself incredibly vulnerable to not only the action but me writing about it afterward (and just to reiterate, with his permission).

A piece of the healing puzzle

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I know I have been absent on here the last couple of months – it is hard to discern what stories to share and what stories to keep private to protect the relationships and journeys of those I love and care for.

In usual end of year fashion, I look forward to publishing my yearly blog book and don’t want to miss out on a chance to tell some stories from this year – perhaps even with the purpose of sharing inspiration to others that could use it.

This year, my One Little Word was heal (read blog post here). Part of this was researching some alternative forms of healing to the usual suspects of medication and talk therapy. These forms of help definitely have a place in our world of mental health but what I am finding is that some mental health struggles can actually be resistant to this treatment or even worse, they can make some symptoms even worse.

My husband, who has struggled with mental health stemming from childhood trauma (his most accurate diagnosis would most likely be Complex-PTSD but very few clinicians give this diagnosis – especially to adults). After a rough patch this year, he agreed to try some alternative forms of treatment, including both Ketamine infusions and EMDR. I thought I would share a piece of his story (with his permission) about Ketamine, in case you or a loved one is also struggling with depression/anxiety that may be resistant to other forms of treatment.

Northwest Ketamine was recommended to us and he had a very good experience there. I will post a Part 2 with some of his own thoughts on the treatment.

Have you heard of Ketamine infusions before? If the answer is no and you or a loved one is struggling with mental health, remember to do some research and ask questions – there is more out there than medication and talk therapy!

On 9 years

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Getting married in our late 20s meant we had some stuff to work out in our early relationship. Some past patterns and hurts that showed up early and threatened our relationship in big ways….I am so glad those hurts stretched us, made us vulnerable, and got us into therapy because it built two individual humans strong enough to endure what was to come.

The last two years have included some dark and hard tunnels. And I respect and love this man for blindly walking through them with me hand in hand….without knowing when the light will come.