Getting married in our late 20s meant we had some stuff to work out in our early relationship. Some past patterns and hurts that showed up early and threatened our relationship in big ways….I am so glad those hurts stretched us, made us vulnerable, and got us into therapy because it built two individual humans strong enough to endure what was to come.
The last two years have included some dark and hard tunnels. And I respect and love this man for blindly walking through them with me hand in hand….without knowing when the light will come.
Two years ago I wrote about my new love and discovery of the Enneagram personality typing system. And let me tell you, my excitement and the novelty of that discovery has NOT worn off over time. Anytime I am discussing relational health (or dysfunction) with others, I ask if they know their enneagram types and whether or not that information might be helpful in understanding the other person. There is something about knowing my spouse’s and childrens’ types that almost depersonalizes their hurtful behavior (whether intentional or not) and helps bring us to a place of resolution much faster.
As a devoted and (sometimes embarrassingly passionate) enneagram 3 – I want to be best at understanding how this assessment works, my type and how to use it to achieve success and the best possible outcome. Next step is of course – read all the things!!! Here are a few of the books I have read in diving deep into this topic.
I would highly recommend the Becoming Us book although it does have a heavy biblical base to it.
There are lots of other places to find information too. I follow some amazing instagram sites where creators add memes, videos or other graphs visuals about types that can help you understand yourself and those around you better. DM me on instagram and I can point you in the right direction or just search enneagram hashtags for some great content!
I have presented multiple workshops on this topic throughout my school district (my fave was to our whole entire crew of bus drivers – it was awesome) to raise their self-awareness, the most courageous act of self-care there is in education I believe. Even just knowing our little set of school counselors’ enneagram types can help me relate to them more and provide meetings/professional development that will be truly effective for them.
This coming week on Wednesday, I am SUPER stoked to present a workshop combining the Enneagram and my other love, ESSENTIAL OILS at my house. We are going to be talking through our types and which oils might be beneficial to us (especially in times of misalignment or stress). If you’d like an invite, just message me and I’ll get you the details. I have been working this idea in my head for a while so we’re excited to offer it this summer – and in person too!!!
Let me know if you’d like to come to our workshop – Wednesday, 7/14 at 6pm!
Want to start figuring out your type? There are a lot of different quizzes you can take….or some people read about each type and try to figure out which resonates the most for them. Here is the quiz that I most often give to people to take which also gives short descriptions of each type: Fast Enneagram Test
Let me know if you’re as into this as I am! I love to geek out on types and figure out how everyone in my circle of love works – inside and out!
As I have talked about multiple times on the blog, my sweet husband and I’s relationship has been a blessed but rocky road of overcoming many things (as many marriages are). We began seeking counseling before we were married and continue to work on our relationship and our own baggage and trust issues from childhood.
Now that our marriage is an example for our children heading into the real world, I constantly reflect on what we are showcasing to them on a daily basis and whether or not it will help or hurt them build a solid long-lasting relationship to start their own families.
And at the beginning of our placement with the Wonders, I would feel soooo guilty about any fighting or arguing that happened in front of the kiddos. They would hear our snarky voices or us walking away from each other in anger…..or they would observe our passive aggressive actions and comments that we tried to disguise in “adult language.” We would try and include them in the restore and forgiveness stage of this conflict so they could learn that arguing doesn’t always lead to someone leaving (a message engrained in their minds and hearts from childhood) but sometimes I still wondered if it was ruining their hopes of this new family environment being perfect in every way for them.
But OUR wonders may need to see something different than other children who have been raised in a healthily attached home. Just like our relationship is burdened with triggers and ghosts from a traumatic childhood, theirs will be too. They will struggle with trusting their partner, crippled with fear that something bad is always going to happen, unable to enjoy a positive period because of that imminent fear…..and these things will drain them and their partner be harmful to their relationship IF they don’t know any ways to get through this.
What I hope and pray they see in our marriage is:
– as many “I forgive you’s” as apologies
– even when mean words are said, we restore and come back together
– no one ever leaves (and if they do, it’s a coping strategy and they always come back)
– daily choosing to commit to their partner no matter what they have been through (and multiple home decor signs documenting this just in case we forget – wink wink)
– respectful language around feelings and actions, not blaming and accusations
– this relationship is HARD WORK…..and that hard work needs to happen often for it to survive
– tears and strong feelings mean the relationship is important, not that that the relationship is doomed to end
– non-perfect people make non-perfect marriages –> and imperfection means a huge need for communication, emotional coping skills, and forgiveness
Each year, each new experience and each new Wonder that you say yes to without logistics, reality or even perks cements my faith that you were put in my life for a plan far greater than mine.
Thank you for helping me fulfill my purpose professionally and personally as a mama, knowing when to cheer from behind or when to step in front and help me set some boundaries. We love spending our anniversaries growing and learning at the Global Leadership Summit – inspiration for our year ahead for our marriage, our careers and our souls. (Recap of my experience at the GLS up next on the blog)
What I see in the above picture is JOY – our beloved friends and family cheering us on after our vows. What I feel when I look at this picture is TRIUMPH. Overcoming a tricky road to get to our wedding day and 3 years later, still working on our insecurities and processing our pasts to be the best spouse we can be for each other and now, for our children. I am proud to call this man my loyal husband and father to our family and I aim to make him proud of me each and every day. Thanks for loving me and enduring my crazy for the past 5 years hon – when you meet a girl that looks like a high schooler in Haiti, you should’ve known what you were in for. Cheers to many more years (and kids and craft projects and nagging and sinks full of dishes to wash after your 48 hour shifts)….
P.S. See? I told you I wouldn’t post a sappy Facebook picture of us. That’s what the new blog is for.
