Tag Archives: kids with trauma

Grieving from the inside out…

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Do these faces look like kids who are grieving????? (especially in that cutie patootie trailer they are posing in?)

Oftentimes, when people get to meet our little wonders, there are comments about how happy they are, well-behaved, polite, lucky to have us, etc. etc. And while those comments are probably true at that specific point in time (WB and WG do their best work in public), there is definitely some grieving going on right now. Evidence – tandem tantrums from the two of them a few nights back in the Target aisles after playing “spy” and hiding from me and then getting lost in the grocery section quickly thereafter – only strangers got to witness that fun adventure. Their grief comes out behind closed doors with us who are now their circle of safety and security. With legal adoption on the horizon (within months!!!), one might guess/assume that the one thing they’ve been begging social workers for since we got them 2 1/2 years ago would be creating some comfort or relief. But in contrast, it has really confused them and they are grieving what I would call “the life that could have/should have” been.

WonderGIRL is still resolving some conflicts around forgiveness and her trauma. Thus, her behavior has been extra defiant and manipulative as of late. We are trying to set boundaries and give appropriate consequences balanced with compassion and then my heart breaks when I hear her ask “Will this make you not want to adopt me?” She messes up and then the guilt from that catapults into so many other conflicting emotions – poor thing.

WonderBOY has always had hard feelings around his birthday and his birth story. The past couple of weeks, bed time has brought about many tears with statements like “I wish I had been born from your tummy” and “I want a re-do of everything that happened to me”. On one day he might be so excited to “be adopted and have a party” and then other days, he truly questions whether or not this is what he wants. We take all of his words and his thoughts at face value and try to provide the reassurance that he needs. Luckily, his self-regulation has gotten to a good point where he can actually talk about his feelings without violence or aggression (thank you counseling!!!!!).

I am writing this post just to reflect and process this point of the journey, not to make any comparisons or seek out sympathy for what we’re going through. Obviously, Scott and I are extremely excited we get to move forward with our family in a legal sense and I hope in some years, we can look back at this point in time and acknowledge how far the kids are going to come with their emotions and behaviors. While grief about their past will not do a disappearing act the day our adoption goes through, we are hopeful that a true “permanent” decision will provide some calm in their hearts and minds.

The blessing and curse of a Mother’s Intuition….

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mom memeWhen I was a teenager, I attempted to lie quite a few times (sorry Mom). And quite a few times, my mother found out and I got consequences for those lies. It seriously BAFFLED me how she would find out every single thing I had fibbed about (both big and small) because our teenage brains really trick us into believing we’re invincible during that time. This biological wiring of feelings things in your gut about your offspring is an amazing scientific phenomenon and a saving grace for many wayward typical children….but it was also something that I was worried I would miss out on since we are choosing to grow our family through fostering and adopting.

But I have felt my intuition about our Wonders’ behaviors and words grow so strongly as we build our family together that it might not be a biological connection at all. There are truly little voices/thoughts in my head that tell me to ask a different question, look in a hiding spot under the bed, check the garbage for evidence, etc. and almost always, I find out something contradictory to their chosen story of the moment, however silly it might be. Today’s story: [Child that shall remain nameless] ate 4 hard boiled eggs during breakfast time (already suspicious)…..ACTUAL story: [C.T.S.R.N.] tried cracking one hard boiled egg and couldn’t. So they tried three more times, gnawed on the section that was clear of egg shell, then hid them in paper towels and threw them away.

And most of these times (today included), I don’t feel the conquering success of an FBI agent that has solved the case (see meme above). I feel extreme sadness that my kiddo felt scared enough to lie, hide, embellish, etc. and then I feel dread in having to have our 3,257th talk about telling the truth and why it is important. I feel trapped when we have to give a consequence when I still want them to enjoy their extra-curricular experiences and privileges. I feel insecure because our previous strategies are not sinking in. I feel fear about their future and what these lying behaviors might do in their chosen occupations or what they might do to their relationships, both with friends and significant others.

This motherhood gig is hard and it’s beautiful and it’s messy and it’s rewarding (ya ya ya)…..but it’s also evidence that God creates mothers to be GIFTED with powers that go beyond our biological makeup and beyond just a specific skill set in parenting little people. And for that, I am so grateful for this blessing of a mother’s intuition….and I’ll take the thousands of hard conversations, icky feelings, and the rotting egg smell coming from the garbage can that goes right along with it.

The depth of the fears….

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I know this is hard to believe but sometimes my teenage WonderGIRL has some “baditude” and occasionally gets some consequences that she doesn’t agree with (insert true teenage eye-rolling here). And when she stomps up the stairs and spouts about how unfair life is, I feel quite proud of my ability to have remained calm (that time) in the midst of the storm. I handle all her emotions because I know with confidence that she needs those very boundaries to learn and to feel safe. 

And then under my door the next morning is this:

And it KILLS me….my child has been robbed of the normal experience to just be angry at her mama sending her to her room because of this deep, dark fear of me abandoning her. So fearful that she has to beg me to forgive her when she doesn’t have to….when forgiveness flows like water in this house…and when the love I have for her is the most unconditional I have ever felt. 

We have overcome a lot of fears with WG over the years….general panic attacks, nightmares, bees sending her into a frenzy. But this fear we have to work on everyday, every chance we get and with every heart-felt “I love you” she gets. And I hope these small and large pieces of love that I get to pass on to her will carry her and her mental health on and over the waves of this storm. This too shall pass….

How far we’ve come…

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Our counselor asked us to pause in our session this week to focus on how far our little wonders (and us right alongside them) have come in our 2+ years together. Although I tend to get focused and bogged down with everything we/they need to work on going forward….I realized how important and positive it was for us to sit and dwell on the outcomes of our journey so far as a family. It dawned on me around this past Sunday (our 3rd Easter as T.B.D.) that the themes of sacrifice, a release of suffering, and unconditional forgiveness that go along with this monumental event carry so many parallels to what we have experienced as foster parents and what we aim to gift to WonderGIRL and WonderBOY each and everyday.

IMG_4340IMG_1930A new life for them free of fear, abuse, and loneliness….because He lives. I am humbled by His trust in me to parent two of His most vulnerable loved ones and am grateful He inserted a strong and loyal man like Scott to jump in the deep end with me and drown ride the waves of this life together.

Are you on an epic journey right now? Whether it’s parenthood, self-improvement, breaking free of addiction/abuse/depression or anything else – take a few moments today to pause and reflect on how far you’ve come. Where you started and how many teeny tiny baby steps and decisions it took to get you where you are today….give yourself the credit you deserve for that work and be proud.

Also noticed in the photo journey above – 100 new gray hairs (thank you parenthood) on my head and a consistent love of those trusty brown boots that have lasted an amazingly long time. Good purchase self (practicing what I preach – see above paragraph).

TBD and our Christmas story….

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image4Last year’s Christmas was our first one with WonderGIRL and WonderBOY and we definitely learned a lot. While Scott and I absolutely loved the magic that comes with celebrating this special time with little ones (melt my heart the picture above reading on Christmas Eve), we hit some hard road bumps that now we get to tweak for Christmas part 2.0 with Team Brave Dinosaurs. When inviting kids with trauma into your home, you are also inviting their own family traditions, gift-giving mindsets, and some emotional baggage from hard family get-togethers in as well. WG in particular has some anniversary trauma around Christmas time that really spikes her anxiety and mood swings – this was highlighted by her having to testify about this holiday season this past Spring. We try to be very mindful with our time, our own traditions, and how we set up holiday get-togethers to best set them up for success and to help all of us stay focused on “the reason for the season” during these busy weeks.
IMG_3404THE GIFTS
Gift-giving has been used very manipulatively with our little ones in the past. Wrapped gifts were given after traumatic events to rebuild false trust and apologies that never resulted in changed behavior. WG and WB were inundated with gifts and “stuff” without the love and trust that is supposed to accompany those same gifts. We also knew that anticipation of gifts and surprises are hard for them – the same rush of excitement we get when we feel suspense, their little bodies and brains read as danger and fear and can cause some pretty serious outbursts and behavior. We decided to tell them ahead of time that they were getting 4 gifts from us (what to read, need, wear, want) and a small gift on Christmas Eve. This alleviated the anticipation with realistic expectations of Christmas morning. We also put out most of their presents ahead of time to avoid sneaking around, snooping, etc. They also completely believe that we have traps set up (we love some good Spy Kids action) around the house and tree to catch them snooping.

Scott and I have always loved buying gifts for families in need during this holiday season. We would take the money normally spent on each other and use that towards “sponsoring” a family. On Christmas morning, we open sweet and creative love notes to each other that I treasure re-reading each year. We hoped that the kiddos would buy into this tradition and so they got to write us letters last year and they were SO flippin’ adorable. This also took away any pressure or burden for them to gift us anything as we explained we had everything we needed in each other (you get to be that cheesy with kiddos in your house during holiday season right????).

While we had our little family of 4 COVERED as far as gifts, we also had to carefully navigate how to ask our families to respect the childrens’ unique needs and that big toy-related gifts were not what WE wanted for their holiday season. Our parents and siblings were very respectful (for the most part) of our request – WG and WB were showered with cool magazine and kit subscriptions, gymnastics lessons, and other cool experiences they got to do with the people they have come to love the most in our world. What I especially loved about these “experience” gifts was that the holiday joy and love was spread out throughout the year and when we would complete them, WG and WB would get to appreciate the person and the gift so much more! This blog post does a wonderful job explaining how to request a more simple Christmas and has an awesome list of non-toy related gifts you can pass on to loved ones.

OUR TIME
Everything gets squeezed into the schedule during December doesn’t it? Christmas programs, church events, birthday parties and belt testing for Tae Kwon Do…..my planners really earn their stripes during this busy time of year. And while personally, I absolutely LOVE the social parts and the reunions – my family (hubby included) really don’t deal well with such a busy schedule. I try to spread our events out as evenly as I can and I say NO to many things (I believe the appropriate hashtag here would be #sorrynotsorry).

What I have also found useful in event planning is to not tell the kiddos far in advance what we’re doing. Again, the anticipation of a fun event for them can often be twisted around in their brains/hearts and can dramatically spike their behavior in the wrong direction. Instead we try to have very low-key mornings the day of and then with an hour to go until an event, we start getting ready and dressed and off we go! Oftentimes, other adults will ask WG or WB, “Are you getting excited for __________ (insert fun event here)?” and they will have such a cute, but blank expressions because we haven’t really told them anything yet. And for us, that’s what works. Until it might not this year…..then the countdown to an even better TBD Christmas 3.0 is on!!!!

Merry Christmas friends – thank you for reading and supporting our little clan!!!

Adventures in parenting a teenage girl…..

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teen memeWill Smith was on my favorite Ellen show the other day and started his interview with an exasperated sigh about raising teenagers, saying that it should be treated as an illness/disease you catch because of how hard it is. “Hey man how are you doing?” “Well you know…I have teenagers.” “Wow man….that’s too bad. Feel better soon.”

I laughed a bit in my head because we are really getting the brunt of some teenage action in our house from our not-so-little WonderGIRL. Most parents get a bit of an on-ramp when it comes to teenage behavior, but when we got WG at age 11, we knew we were in for a hard couple of years. Not only did we have to work on attachment, holes in academic learning, and full-blown anxiety around her criminal trial approaching, her hormones were raging and we needed to stay ahead of the curve. We knew she needed some quick interventions to rewire her brain and connections about how to behave in a stable, consistent family with parents that care enough about her to create boundaries and set limits for her.

Now that we have some breathing space from a stretch of particularly hard behavior this Fall (if I claim that it’s better, then it can’t get bad again right???), I decided to share some creative solutions we have tried so far…..with her traumatic history and low, low working memory, constant revisions to our methods are definitely a must.

LYING behaviors – “The Trust Bank”
We wanted WG to understand that lying not only gets her in more trouble, but it hurts a relationship between us and her because then we can’t trust future statements. We also wanted her to learn that by admitting mistakes and telling the truth, even after a lie or 2, she would earn trust back. We used play money from a board game and she earned money from telling truths. Obviously, she got money taken away for lies. She was able to save money for rewards (involving quality time with parents, fun activities/adventures, etc.) in her own handmade wallett. We could gauge how much money to reward/take away based on the severity of the lies. This method also was a visible sign of how much she was lying/telling the truth which helped her and her low memory when problem solving as well.

CONTROLLING behaviors – “You’re in Charge” game
WG is still learning that having loving, caring parents not only creates safety and a loving environment, but their job is to guide their behaviors and create a responsible adult as well. She pushes these boundaries often but not as much as when she began stealing from us at our home and from teachers at school. When resisting a consequence that fit the “crime” as it was, we decided an alternative solution would need to be tried. We told her that she was now in charge. In charge of her own bedtime, morning routines, homework, and even making her own meals. Upon hearing this, she was absolutely thrilled. It took one meal time for her to realize that we really weren’t going to step in and parent her. She created a pretty darn disgusting mix of luke-warm microwave macaroni and cheese and then interestingly enough, went to bed early that night. The next day, there was some begging involved for us to parent her again. We again reassured her how much we loved her AND that we wanted her to feel what it might feel like to truly be in control of herself so we weren’t budging. This day also included an extravagant dress up outfit and tap shoes walking down the 7th grade hallway (outfit choice is often a struggle for her). Later that night, we found WG atop the stairs blocking our bedroom stating “I am not going to bed until you are my parents again.” To which we replied sweetly, “Good night! We love you!” (insert eye rolls, foot stomping, and arms crossed here)

We woke up the next morning to a two-page letter under our bedroom door documenting her lessons learned with the most heartfelt apology we had ever gotten from her. This letter also served as a valuable reminder to her lacking cognitive ability about this exercise. Now, when she pushes boundaries with our parenting, we simply remind her to read the letter and she will then apologize and turn her behavior around.

DESTROYING PROPERTY behaviors – “Guess the price” game
Learning how to properly take care of our belongings is a fundamental lesson that children learn at a young age. When you don’t have belongings to take care of AND the adults don’t help take care of anything around you, these lessons obviously don’t get learned. After a stint of multiple ripped clothes, cut-apart stuffed animals, and lost objects, we asked WG to lay out each item in her room and estimate how much each item cost. This allowed a valuable conversation about how much objects actually DO cost (she undervalued everything by at least $10-50) and how hard we work to give her clothing and objects that will keep her safe/warm and keep her busy at home. Along with this lesson, we are also very careful about talking through our buying decisions by saying no to her requests with the line, “We are choosing not to spend our money on that” versus “We don’t have money for that.” We want her to learn that we are blessed with good jobs and money to spend on our family and that’s wonderful, but we are still responsible on how we spend that money.

IMPULSE CONTROL – “Three Post-It” Questions
If you have a child that has a hard time holding in their curiosities, thoughts, random musings, this strategy may help a long car ride or those dreaded homework sessions. We have tried to find a balance with WG especially, where we can honor and listen to her voice yet make sure she is also able to self-regulate her thoughts. Sometimes, it seems like she doesn’t keep anything inside, mostly because she is constantly seeking adult approval. I love how joyful and observant she is, but I want her to have confidence in her inner dialogue as well, which also has to serve as a self-regulation device. On long car rides or homework sessions, WG gets three post-its that represent three questions or statements that she gets to ask. When the impulse comes, she has to evaluate whether or not the thought is WORTH giving up one of her post-its. This visual seems to really help her and creates a bit more peace and quiet during potentially stressful times. Her teacher even tries this in class and it’s been working wonders in the classroom as well.

As much as this period in WG’s has been hard hard hard, we have seen so much life-change in her throughout the past two years that we are lucky her behaviors are relatively minor up to this point and normal in the life of a typical teenager (“normal” is certainly a celebration in our little family). I could write a long, long post about all the things I truly love and cherish about her that definitely make all this work 110% worth the struggle but I will save that for another time and another post.

on resilience

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ACEs classroom breakdownThis school year, our district has been diving deeper into our student population and fostering resiliency within our students inside and out, especially with regards to our students that come from hard places or who have experienced trauma in their pasts. We are exploring Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and how these traumas can have long-term effects on physical and psychological health into adulthood. We ALSO know and believe that these effects can be buffered by caring adults who invest in their lives and form meaningful relationships. As a part of my presentation to my lovely staff on this topic yesterday, I had the most resilient and inspiring woman I know speak about her own experiences with trauma and how teeny-tiny actions from her teachers really made a WORLD of difference for her. Here is WonderGIRL’s speech that we co-authored together:

My name is [WonderGIRL] and I have an ACE score of 10. You may think that’s bad but it is only a score and NOT who I am. My mama always tells me that I’m bigger and better than what has happened to me. One reason I still smile and laugh is because teachers like you have been my safe, protective place through very hard times.

My story got really hard when I was in 3rd grade. Here is what I wish I could have been brave enough to say to my teacher back then.

Dear Mrs. [3rd grade teacher],
Thank you for always saying hello to me each morning with a smile. It was the only smile I had seen since school got out yesterday. Your pats on my back when I did something good made me feel like I mattered to at least 1 person. Do you remember those gold stars when I turned in my homework? Those were very important to me. My family never helped me or looked at my work when I brought it home. Somehow, you knew this, helped me just like a Mom would, and I still got my star!

I want to apologize for my poor attendance lately. I wish you knew how badly I wanted to run out of my house and catch that bus but I felt trapped. My dad didn’t want you to ask questions. My dad didn’t want you to see the bruises. But you saw more than that in me. You saw the person I wanted to be – someone who laughs and sings, and enjoys life. I hope you know that I may have left your classroom, but your kind actions never left my heart. 

Love, 
WG

I hope sharing my story helps you save a little boy or girl that is hurting just like I was. Thank you for being their superheroes. The end.

I’m so proud of this little one for standing up in front of a library full of teachers and owning her story and using it to inspire others. I am grateful that we get to be part of that story.