Tag Archives: kids with trauma

One year as Team Hoelzle Brown…

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As many adoptive families know, family celebrations carry this dual impact of excitable joy and uncontrollable grief. The tension of those two things fighting for space in our Wonders’ heads and hearts this week has been and continues to be huge.

But tonight, I lay here grateful that they said yes. Grateful the system worked to protect these two. And grateful for the coming forever years we get to continue loving them, protecting their bodies and hearts, and walking alongside them in their grief. If new here, click here to read our adoption day story.At dinner tonight, I was brought ice cream with a candle for my own birthday and as I blew it out, WonderGIRL said “I’m guessing you had nothing to wish for since you told me all your wishes came true when you adopted us.” And while that is true – my wishes are now only multiplied into bigger wishes for how WG and WB  and all other brave kiddos we love on will get to grow and thrive in their future.

I also want to make a plug that there are bunches of kids in this county (I get an email daily telling me the desperate need) who are wishing on every candle and every star for a loving family that will step into the gap and take a chance on vulnerable littles (and even more vulnerable teens!). Follow your heart….ask questions….get involved. Saying yes, if just in your heart for now, is the first step.

Update on WonderGIRL

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Many of you have been asking how my little (okay not so little) WonderGIRL has been doing after a rough end of middle school and through this summer transition into high school. Thank you for caring about her and us and our household enough to ask these questions knowing that the answer might not be (and most likely won’t be) the coveted “miracle” transformation of a young girl saved by her adopted forever family.

I don’t share a lot of WG’s personal story on here because it is HERS and hers alone to share. But I will share my own story and that is one of struggle on how to help, when to not help, when to step back, when to step in and all the decisions and doubt about these decisions creep in to my brain and camp there for days and nights on end.

The beautiful and messy thing with kids with trauma is that when you DO dive into their story and find a counselor/coach/intervention that will help them, all the feelings and all the triggers come back into your world stealing your lovable little person away from you and inserting tantrums and hurtful words around every corner.  While stuffing those memories and those feelings is often the EASIER route….it is not often the healthy one. So I sat back after WG’s 4th counselor moved onto a different career away from a community agency and waited for the RIGHT counselor and a specifically trained counselor in attachment, as my Mama gut knew that THIS piece was so much more important than just talking about her past abuse. Even though that meant our daughter wasn’t involved in every professional’s most urgent suggestion to have her in counseling after she ran away….I knew in my heart this was what needed to happen.

And two sessions in with an amazing new counselor that included lots of tears and attacks toward me but with someone that WG finally trusted…..I am so grateful I did this because we have REAL feelings now people! My once overly numb WonderGIRL is feeling things in a new way and actually talking about them…..these feelings being unveiled right now sound like verbal attacks on me and comparisons to her biological mom and I am sooooo okay with that because I feel like they are memories being dug up within the magical garden of her heart. I don’t garden and I don’t know anything about it but I do know you can’t grow a successful and beautiful garden without dealing with and taking out the weeds.

So to answer your well-intentioned questions about how WG is doing…..we are okay. Tomorrow we might not be and that’s okay too. We’ll do some weeding and then we’ll “water” the garden with love and laughter and watching silly teenage shows together and start again. I am equal parts anxious and excited for her to start her high school career….if for nothing else, we get to insert more trusted adults into her life to teach her lessons about caring adults and felt safety wherever she goes. No matter what classes she takes and what grades she gets in her high school career, this is the most important thing she needs from education right now.

This picture above is what I returned to after a particularly ugly interaction while running around our neighborhood. She left mad but obviously turned a corner and was willing to talk about it when we got home. Love this…..

And when in doubt, turn the camera around and take some silly selfies. The true way to a teenager’s heart…..

On kiddos who feel BIG

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I have talked to lots of parents throughout my years as a school counselor and just mama-to-mama talks about how to help children regulate their emotions. Many times it can feel like you are just along for the ride as they navigate life’s highs and lows (that probably in your opinion shouldn’t even have been a feeling at all) in BIG ways and if being honest, usually in public….with eyes watching….judging……and your cheeks turning red……

I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks I pass along to those parents in order to help their child LEARN how to regulate their own emotions (versus the parents stepping in and doing it for them). I, myself, have one kiddo that feels big feelings on a daily basis and another who is pretty numb and doesn’t show any feelings. And if given the choice, between the two, I would 100% choose the big feelings because these reactions and strategies to regulate them are easily taught and remembered.

Always remember that all feelings are OKAY, but some reactions to feelings are NOT OKAY. When we tell children to NOT feel something, this is suppressing a very real physical reaction in their body and in adulthood, this suppression of feelings can result in lower skills in problem solving and denial of problems that need help/mental health support.

  1. Rate the problem. (NOTE: this does not say “name the problem” – it doesn’t always matter WHAT actually happened, but we can just help the child REACT to the problem).

    Parent: “What size problem is this? Small, medium or big? (for an older child/teen you can have them rate it 1-10)
    ** Don’t disagree with the child’s rating but if you don’t agree, you can say “Okay….I probably would say small but let’s go with ________.**
    If the child says small, I would say “Okay sounds like you can handle that one on your own and move on.”
    If the child says medium or big, I would say “What can we do to turn it into a small or medium problem?”
    (You could teach these beforehand or give a few examples like….take a deep breath and move on, apologize, use calm words to tell the other child ________, etc.)

    This can help the child learn that not all problems are HUGE and that they are in control of choosing how they react.

  2. Choice or choice.
    If you child has a hard time hearing the word no, try to increase the amount of control they “perceive” to have by giving them two choices that are BOTH acceptable to you as the parent. This is especially helpful during transition times or schedule changes.

    Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
    Parent: “You can either go to bed now and I’ll turn off your lights or you can choose a book to read for 5 minutes and then turn the lights off yourself.”

    Many times, we are trying to make our children OBEY when the extra 1-2 minutes or extra 1-2 chips at lunch doesn’t matter in the big picture. Children need to know they have control and choices and can make compromises with other people as problem solvers.

  3. Give them time to regulate before a disappointment.
    When a choice isn’t possible and a firm no is coming…..give your child some time to be ready and anticipate their own disappointment.

    Child: “Can I have extra game/screen time?
    Parent: “I’m about to tell you an answer you’re not going to like and it might make you mad. Are you ready for me to tell you?”
    If child says no, then say you’ll ask again in a minute.
    If child says yes, I would say “If you’re mad when I tell you the answer, that’s okay. What strategy can you use if you’re mad? (breathing, go to room, get a hug, etc.). Unfortunately, game time is done for the day but if you ask again respectfully tomorrow, I will add an extra 1-5 minutes onto your screen time.”

    **It’s important to reward a calm and respectful response, even if they are mad.**

If you are parenting a special kiddo with big feelings, I hope this helped you (there are lots more tricks I’ve learned along the way that I would love to share with you). But more importantly, I hope you appreciate that a child with big feelings also means they experience LIFE in a way that is exaggerated and colorful and AWESOME. For the low lows and the big tantrums, there is usually BIGTIME JOY and that is what being a kid is all about.

(check out this big time joy- WonderBOY and his Mickey Mouse pancake at our favorite Everson Cafe 544)

On continuing education….

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…for this trauma mama journey I’m on. This podcast is an awesome weekly reminder to keep practicing small steps in a completely overwhelmingly large journey towards trust and healing through relationship with our kiddos. 

Based off of the Trust Based Relational Intervention approach by Dr. Karen Purvis (TBRI), I love how calm these speakers are and how easy some of their suggestions can be. Shorter episodes, huge content…..great for family members AND educators and anyone working with children. Even without trauma, these practices are just good solid parenting skills. Hope you’ll check it out!


Quote from the above episode that I love love love: “Healing is always disruptive and always has side effects you don’t want.” Let’s get our messy healing on shall we???

Just when you think…..

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you’re doing pretty good at this parenting kids from hard places gig…..

  • felt safety: making the child feel boundaries and safety even when afraid – check
  • give the child choices and control – check
  • make them feel heard – we have nightly talk times to make sure they process all of the feelings from their days – check
  • increasing gratitude by talking about it and praising their behaviors/efforts often – check
  • advocate for them, especially in school when successes happen differently than for other students – check
  • gaining tools and training as parents so that we can provide the best care possible for our child – check
  • understanding their behavior as strengths they possessed to stay safe in their previous trauma and to choose our battles in discipline – check

AND even then….your child from a hard place can still break your heart into a million pieces and send you into a delirious, anxious, basket case by running away from your safe home and changing the course of your own felt safety as a parent forever and ever.

About a week ago, with my husband half a world away, I got a phone call at midnight from the police who had WonderGIRL at a gas station downtown after she escaped from our home (and the new dozens of windows and doors that we hadn’t thought we needed to alarm). First of all, I am super thankful that WG is pretty small, thus altering a concerned citizen to call the police about a “little girl walking in the dark.” Second of all, I am extremely proud of the police officers who didn’t believe WG’s first story claiming her previous last name and who her guardian was. They took extra effort in charging her dead cell phone and calling the person listed as Mama to reach me and although that phone call shook me to my core, I am thankful they found me at all.

I lived in fear and in tears for that entire first week….kept both kiddos in my room at night and barricaded the doors. I lost my patience at least 73 times a day as my fuse was short and the actual amount of time I could sleep was even shorter. I wondered how we would make it through these teenage years alive if her only complaint about our family was that “she had rules” would compel her to put herself into extreme danger without a thought in her head of another option during that particular day and night.

And now that we are a week out with my husband who flew home early from his mission trip, a ton of prayers gifted to us from our inner-circle tribe, and a team of devoted mental health professionals and doctors that have spoon-fed me next steps – I am at a place to give up this situation to my greater power and trust that HE will HAVE to take this on, because I, alone cannot prevent everything harmful from happening to my not-so-little WonderGIRL. She has to go through the lectures and the restrictions…..she has to endure the extra security system on her doors and windows and the safety plan of escorts at her school…..she has to feel guilty about seeing her parents in tears more than ever before…..and all in my hopes that she will remember this experience as one she never wants to repeat again.

I am sure I will have more to process on this later – but I appreciate your supportive words and prayers offered through my Facebook page and you continued love and support for our little, messy family as we navigate new, deep, and treacherous waters. Although I am grieving the loss of an innocence I once believed my WonderGIRL to have, I also know I need to grow right alongside her and widen my understanding of her brain and trauma so I can keep her safe and guide her towards a productive life in the future. I also have faith that we will get to look back at this experience and remember how far we have come…..together.

A mother’s comfort…..

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Yesterday’s church service was a message of hope and encouragement…..using excerpts from Psalm 139, our Pastor spoke eloquently about God knowing us intimately and before we were even a glimmer in someone’s eyes. My own brain and heart was filled with comfort, knowing that there was a plan for me all along and that I was “fearfully and wonderfully” made to do good things. Knowing that “everyday of my life was recorded in (His) book” was communicated in order for us to trust and have faith in that which we do not know.

However, for my trauma-filled WonderGIRL, today’s message brought out anger and deep-rooted abandonment fears. Did God know what was going to happen to her when He “knit her together?” And if He did know, why did He let that happen? Why did her Mom forget about her when Moms weren’t supposed to do that? And of course the fear of “will my Mom now forget how to love me and leave me too?” Her questions and tears filled our car on the way home from church. But then later they turned to vicious words and looks toward me over teeny tiny issues.

What I attributed as “teenage behavior”, my amazing husband saw as much more (which I appreciated once I got over my disappointment in being wrong). Identifying that her hard feelings in the morning were connected to her behavior toward me later brought about a huge sense of relief in her that I just had no idea was there. This took our parenting approach from the forcing of “respectful re-do’s” and safety plans to an approach to get out her angry thoughts and assure her that I would never leave. I asked her to pretend her biological mother was sitting with us and invited her to say anything she felt like saying as I typed a letter recording her words.

Here is a small excerpt of her letter:
Why did you even have me if you were just going to pass me off a million different times? What was the point of having two kids if you never paid attention to them? (WB) was little so he doesn’t understand.. All he knows is that me and (Dad’s girlfriend) were the only people that talked to him. I understood that you didn’t care but he didn’t. I understood that I wanted you to be part of my life but you never cared enough to show up or try.

You didn’t come to the court date. It’s like you didn’t want us. You thought “oh well it doesn’t work.” It’s always worth a try when it comes to family. I usually give up but I go back and try to figure it out. Like one time I went to the dentist and I was doing homework before that and when I came back, the homework was easier.

Also, I wish you realized what you had and then you lost it.

And then I got to hold her, re-assure her, and send her off to bed with the kind of comfort that is supposed to come from a mother. I share this story and this message because it documents the filter of a trauma-impacted brain and how we can sometimes think we are comforting or encouraging someone, when it is actually increasing their fear and doubts even further. WonderGIRL specifically is often told by well-intentIoned youth leaders to pray and forgive the people that have wronged her, which sometimes pushes her into further depression and confusion around her abuse. We are still navigating these triggers delicately and would love some sage guidance from any of you trauma-mamas out there on how to have these conversations……until then, we just take one day at a time with great love and even greater patience.

On the transition…

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Many people have asked how the transition to the new house has been on our sweet little Wonders. I had this post scheduled for today with only pictures (mattress store selfies while Dad does the shopping negotiating everything else less important than laying on beds and taking pics with the kiddos) but then wrote it last night when a few other transitions had popped up to cope with and process as well.WonderBOY was extremely anxious about moving. He was typically pretty anxious in our old home, never wanting to be on a separate floor from us and on most nights, ending up on the floor in our room or at the top of the stairs sleeping so he can hear us watching tv downstairs. I remember the day that Scott got our keys to the new place and started moving our first load…..we came in after the packing and as soon as WB saw the “empty” living room, he just started crying. The fear of not knowing where “our things” went was very hard for him.

The deep fears of loss and abandonment not only get attached to people, but to belongings that hold memories and comfort for this little man. Assuring him that our things were indeed at the new house and even his self-packed boxes were waiting for him in his new room were not enough…..after another load was packed, he was filled with relief and joy when seeing his new room and his “stuff.” So excited in fact, that he didn’t even look at the rest of the house and got to work right away organizing his room. So sweet…..since settling in, he has started to feel more comfortable and has even tested out sleeping in his own room (even though we are on separate floors now and out of earshot). Throwing our big “snow week” into the mix after the move may have done more damage than good with transitioning as my little man craves structure and routine and that week had absolutely ZERO of that. I am looking forward to a few weeks of normal schedule here to get us back on track.WonderGIRL has loved the move to our new house, due to the fact that she has some fun girl friends she already knows that live close by (thank you coaching world for inserting players and their younger sisters into our tribe for this very benefit). Working on her room together and giving her more independence with the kitchen and more breathing room is going to be such a positive for her.

WG has been praying for more “foster siblings” since we moved as we had to renew our home study and paperwork last week. In a fate-filled turn of events, two sweet young girls came home with us for a short-term stay (on the very date WG and WB came home with us three years prior – crazy right?). The one thing WG thought she was missing from her life came with some very hard feelings when the reality of that wish came true. Feelings of “being replaced” and jealousy toward the other girls in the house were big topics of conversation as we cared for new friends in our home and shared our rooms, our meals, and our love. I have faith this will get easier for her as we continue to open our homes to children in need and start trusting that she is ours forever and ever, no matter who we get to love on and care for temporarily.

As I shared the news today with my Wonders that our new friends wouldn’t be coming back home with us tonight and that they were waiting for a new plan at the CPS office, WG promptly replied “Shouldn’t we go sit with them? They are probably so scared.” Tears start forming as I remember this because I knew they were scared too but didn’t have the same panic response as her who lived it and endured it a few years back and THAT breaks my heart and makes me love her so so much all at the same time. It is moments and statements like these (which I NEED) to remind me that this girl is:
1. a fighter and has endured tragic events so much worse than I can even imagine.
2. ready to care for others (probably better then she can care for herself).
3. learning about compassion and perspective taking in some big ways.
4. someone that can use her trauma to help others, maybe only to inspire them when she thrives as a hopeful story but also to connect in ways that may of us truly can’t understand.

On moving….

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The stars and powers above that be have teamed up to align and we are moving!!! Although we’re pretty content in our current home, we would love to add some more room (separate rooms to be exact) for the kiddos and for potentially more children in our home. We thought our “starter home” was dang big when we moved in….add two energetic school-age children to the mix and voila! We’re constantly on top of each other!!!When looking for our forever home to team up with our new forever family (still gives me all the feels to say that), we had a few key things we were looking for. Extra rooms for more foster/adopted children. A separate living space, especially for entertaining our friends and family and their lovely kiddos! A mother-in-law suite or independent living space for WonderGIRL  to grow into and practice independent living before heading out into the real world (insert extreme Mama anxiety here). The house we found has all of these specifications and we are so lucky we found it when we did! It even has a special nook (see picture above) that the Wonders have deemed our “cool-down” spot to escape to when feelings are strong and tempers are hot.Oh ya and the master bathroom after their recent renovation on the house is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
It’s been fun to share the planning and decorating ideas with the kiddos. I can’t wait to be intentional with our spaces and create some calm, happy places for each member of our family (and future family members too!).The “mess” of moving has been interesting to process with WonderGIRL and WonderBOY. Moves before for them have been forced on them and the result of usually negative experiences (a relationship change, being kicked out, foster care, etc.). They also haven’t traveled with all of their belongings before. Sometimes they wander around our current house and point at objects, asking, “Do we get to bring this?” And we respond with “Yes. All of it. We are literally CARRYING all of this into our new house piece by piece, box by box.” Their eyes and smiles get big after this response.

We have also used this experience to teach them about the value of money. That moving into a nice house is a result of smart management of our money. We are careful to tell WG and WB that “we aren’t CHOOSING to spend our money on that” instead of “We don’t have money for that.” They both know we have money (and most likely, much more money in our family than what they are used to) and we don’t want to lie to them with dismissive statements like that. We reinforce these concepts each time we go shopping, create wish lists for birthdays and Christmas, and head out to meals together as a family.

I’m sure there will be more stories to share as this adventure unfolds but thank you for all of your kind support and some of your physical support too (you know who you are crazy friends that actually ENJOY the moving process and have helped us so far). Cheers to new adventures!

When I gave up as a parent…..

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….and decided to be a learner instead. 

Many people encouraged us that our kiddos’ behavior would settle down around the adoption/after the adoption from the comfort that will come from having a forever home. Throughout the past couple of weeks, WonderBOY’s behavior has done just that. He is using his words, calming down on his own, and showing increasing levels of affection towards us as his caregivers. With many comparisons between the two, we got WB much younger in his trauma and his brain was so much more READY to receive love and re-wiring and we are so proud of the work that he has done with regards to his own regulation of his body and emotions. He has responded amazingly well to Trust-Based Relational Intervention approaches introduced to us by some of our foster/adoptive parents tribe.

WonderGIRL on the other hand came to us with such severe trauma and brain disregulation – we have truly been on a rollercoaster ride on how to parent her and how to retrain her brain with regards to behavior choices, learning cause and effect, and being at the mercy of her severe deficits in working memory. Her lying behaviors in particular seem to trigger my own insecurities around parenting – thus making a negative environment both for her and I during these daily hourly battles.

After a few bouts of grounding as an experimental consequence, Scott and I realized that we were essentially grounding ourselves during this time with NO behavior change from her. We even pulled her in to tell her that while we were not giving up on HER, we were giving up on trying to punish her for her behavior. We would try a new approach….

As many current parents do in times of struggle – I went straight to Amazon to see if I could find some resources that were direct and to the point about a new approach we could try. After devouring the first book in 2 days, I HIGHLY recommend these titles to any parents of kids with trauma struggling with symptoms most often referred to from a Reactive Attachment Disorder lens. Forbes and Post take traditional approaches and views and contrast them with their own suggestions that come from treating all behaviors as fear-based behaviors in a very real and easy-to-implement way that I love and want to pass along to anyone that may benefit.

I love this quote that if nothing else, gave me permission to prioritize love over expectations and relationship over right vs. wrong….something I felt in my heart but was having a much harder time implementing in real-time:
“Love-based parenting elevates the importance of the relationship to the highest position. No homework assignment, no chore, and no social etiquette is ever more important than than the parent-child relationship. Maintaining connectedness and attunement, thereby sustaining the balance of love of self and love of child, is the primal outcome of every interaction the parent has with the child. When this is achieved, the other less significant items will take care of themselves.”

My next step includes reading the same author’s take on how we can help and support these children within the school setting….what a great win-win for me when I can apply similar philosophies at both home and work!

Praise for the system

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First of all, I apologize that my blog posts have been scarce this past month. With volleyball, school, and Scott’s hunting season upon us, life has been so very full and priorities have to be set appropriately!

One exciting adventure of the past two weeks has been the movement towards finalization of adopting our two favorite little Wonders! We signed our official petition to the court (even WonderGIRL got to sign her official signature on the paperwork) and today, we filled out our final paperwork to go forward with a court date. While we are excited, our kiddos are conflicted and that struggle is hard on all of us. So today, I thought I would point out a few things about the state’s support during this transition that I am impressed with and want to publicize, since many of my points about the system on my blog haven’t been the most positive.

When many families decide to adopt a child, adopting out of the foster system is not often the most enticing situation. The gamble of what special needs and trauma-induced behaviors the child can have, the older ages, and the unknown and complicated dynamics of visits and a continued relationship with the biological family are all huge factors that push many away. Not to mention the big “dealbreaker”…..that many feel they cannot take the heartache of the children being returned back to their family or moved to a different home (to which I reply…..but isn’t the heartache of a child that needs a loving home while in transition so much more important).

But after all of that, the state tries to do what it can to make sure that adoptive families and foster children are fully supported after their legal adoption. especially when the children have special needs (which most foster children would be considered with their trauma background). We continue to get coverage for our Wonders’ supervision costs, damage to property costs, and other out-of-pocket expenses that they might accrue. And although we definitely didn’t start this journey or continued it with any costs/financial support in mind as a dealbreaker, it definitely feels comforting knowing their needs will always be met and supplemented by the state that has tried hard to protect them.

Next step?? Courtroom parties, real parties, and two new last names – we can’t wait!