Tag Archives: kids with trauma

On WG’s adulting adventures

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There has been a LOT of emotions surrounding WonderGIRL’s 18th birthday….not just recently because of the sudden loss of her first mother a month ago….but we have been talking about this transition for the past YEAR in therapy. Since WG doesn’t have many peers in the same life season or with the same life history as she does, her frame of reference for what being “an 18 year old” actually looks like is largely based on fantasy, movie/tv show reality, and a history of irresponsible people in her life who were supposed to be the “adults.”

We knew we had to be careful with how we talked about this transition and how we approached her emotions with it….but also how we scaffold what it does actually mean to be an adult and start assuming responsibility for parts of her life she can have some agency over.

We made a list of some “adulting adventures” to try out the week of her birthday (and had some great suggestions from FB so thank you circle of influence)….each day she resisted and tried to negotiate out of each one, but afterwards, I could see the pride in her heart and eyes with what she accomplished all on her own.

Adventure #1 – learning to navigate public transit using bus schedules and our iPhone. Also, returning product to a retail store.
Adventure #2 – PAPERWORK. WG applied for further disability support by going through her (very thick) medical and IEP files to find appropriate documents, then scanned and emailed to our social worker. She also called Children’s Hospital to check on the status of her survey and applied for a state ID card through the DMV. She thought this task was by far the most exhausting. All mamas agree!!
Adventure #3 – these two volunteered at the Food Bank in the morning and rode the bus home without an adult. Then we took the rest of the day to enjoy ourselves, pamper our bodies and treat ourselves to a fun night in a nearby hotel room. Self-care is something I have been very intentional in showcasing to her through easy and hard times in our family.
Adventure #4 – grocery shopping on a budget. WG was given $50 to buy breakfast/lunch supplies for a week as well as plan and cook a family meal for 4. Our taco feast this night was delicious and she did amazing at calculating how much she was spending each step of the way.
Adventure #5 – Mrs. Fix It! This was a suggestion from Facebook and honestly I needed the tutorial as well. Learning what each tool is for followed by the task of fixing a broken board in her bed. She surprised both parents with how quickly she picked this up!

And to reward our sweet girl, her actual birthday consisted of NO responsibilities….just a day at home (her request) with close family and friends stopping by throughout the day to show their love. Thank you to those of you that took time out of our family holiday to spread the love to our little lady!!!

I will probably share more of her journey a bit later on the blog but both Scott and I have been commenting on a feeling of “turning a corner” in our journey with WonderGIRL. We are hopeful that growth is sprouting in big ways right now and that the harvest of strength and maturity to take on her own life is coming. Prayers and good vibes toward this are GREATLY appreciated.

On our “trauma-responsive” homeschooling approach

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As an educator, I was hopeful about the school closure and what I would be able to accomplish with our 6th grader, WonderBOY. Then the first two weeks hit and it was BUMPY….tantrums, holes in walls, and a very frustrated mama who was also trying to work from home. He is a bit behind in multiple academic skills so I was determined to help him fill in some of those gaps while we had dedicated time to do so the last 3 months.

A glimpse into his weekly schedule….assignments broken down in morning and afternoon chunks (icons on side represent physical activity, chore, and water before game time).

And then, I decided I was ready to experiment. To put all of my hopes and dreams into what a “trauma-responsive” environment could look like for him (and in my actual dreams, what an entire classroom doing this might mean for so many of our students with trauma histories). So we shifted our expectations and found great success with the following adjustments:

1. Meeting him where he was at each morning. We held a morning meeting and assessed his mood, tired-ness, weather outside (impacts him greatly), stress level with family, etc. This improved our trusting relationship and grounded him in the expectations for the day.

2. Go over assignment chunks each day (not entire assignment at one time) and adjust if mood not fitting….this means we might move assignments around or add in more physical activity or rest time.

WB loved to zoom bomb my meetings and see if he knew any teachers on my calls – what a goof.

3. Work in 20-30 minute increments….we had a timer system set up that he was in charge of. If he worked for 30 minutes, he always received a break to move his body, relax his mind, or do mindfulness in between work times. This was the BIGGEST factor in him staying focused and him producing quality work.

4. Find interest projects – he was not motivated by the art projects assigned but we wanted him to stay accountable for completing assignments. We switched up the assignments to photography collages and/or painting with Dad so he was highly motivated to work on them.

This collage prompt was “How I know I’m home.”

5. Part of increasing the success we were having meant we had to DECREASE his work load. But that did not mean we weren’t holding him to standards….we stayed consistent in what we expected every day, gave him choices of when to do certain items not IF he was going to do them, and adjusted to his escalations/anxiety. And it was still tiring on certain days as evidenced by the picture below. This nap lasted 3 hours and instead of hounding him with work upon waking, we just moved his work to the following day. We considered each week as an entity with work due by the end of the week, not due dates each day.

A return to Kindergarten nap times in the old days.

So what came of this all? Our relationship is strengthened and he is a lot more open to our feedback than prior to this homeschooling. We learned a ton about how he works, when he is distracted, and how we can set up his work times better. And his work was crazy improved from what he was able to produce in class….I’m pretty sure some of his teachers thought I may have been helping with the actual work in disbelief WB could produce what he was producing. He improved two entire grade levels in his online reading curriculum…..and I am confident he can continue to do the work into the summer months without complaints.

Now can this continue in a school building? I am not sure…..so many distractions from peers, no 1-on-1 attention from a trusting adult consistent throughout the day, multiple stressors in a middle school life make this “trauma-responsive” environment a hard one to replicate.

But rethinking education a little might move towards a safer environment for kiddos just like WB….what IF they only had one teacher for an entire day? What IF they had smaller class sizes? What IF each day started with an individual check in with each student, assessing their emotional “availability” to learn for the day? What IF there was a space for kiddos to go and get basic needs met like food or rest without needing to get it by acting out? What IF we structured a longer school day with MORE breaks built in for busy learners?

A trauma mama can dream right?????

Mother’s Day surprises

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Truth be told, I never really look forward to Mother’s Day. Internally, I can be so incredibly grateful for this role that I own and for the children that I get to take care of but every year for our family, it’s so freaking hard and complicated. Tensions are high and patience is short and it never works out the way each individual thinks it’s supposed to.

This year, we were one week out from having to disclose to our Wonders that their first mother had passed away. That they would be robbed of a chance they both wanted to see her again and ask her questions. That a piece of their story that loved them into existence had vanished without any closure.

And so I was worried. Worried that the grief and confusion of that event would stifle their ability to be joyous with me and appreciate their second mama.

Here is where the surprise came in….if you peruse the following images….

A dinner comprised of cheese and crackers (and no fighting or blood please) at the lake – mission accomplished.
Our day began and ended in the same way thanks to the brilliant sunshine that day – snuggles and chats in the little nest I’ve established on our deck.

What do you see? What I felt on that day and the days since has been what I am now calling my Wonders being “untethered.” They are no longer stuck in loyalty between two worlds. No longer feeling guilt if they love me more or wondering if their first mom loves them still. The tug-of-war has been (tragically) ended. And even I, a trained professional in this field, was blown away by how transparent this all was playing out right in front of me. Their mannerisms, their words, and their hugs just felt different and overwhelmingly deeper this year than in days past.

Since they have learned for their first mama’s death, WonderGIRL has been 143% more affectionate and kind toward me (see sweet letter above). The day after we told WonderBOY about the death, he started spontaneously claiming over and over again “you’re the bestest of the bestest of the mamas in the world” and hasn’t stopped since.

Typically as mamas, we don’t like surprises (or is it just me?). We like predictability and control and felt safety. But this surprise has been a good one and I wanted to document this day into history and perhaps adapt my own narrative about Mother’s Day in years to come.

On our recent grief

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On February 20th, I posted the following to my Facebook page:

In a matter of two weeks, so much of my world and my identity that I’ve worked very hard for has been questioned and threatened in ways I never imagined. 
My role as a mom, systems that are supposed to protect, my job, my sports program…..our family and me (along with a whole group of educators) could use some prayers right now to stay afloat. ? So much loss and uncertainty has been hard on all the hearts of Team Hoelzle Brown. 
I don’t usually post this stuff but maybe a little more “messy” on social media feeds will normalize the hard seasons of life and break down some walls between reality and online presences. 
And thank you to our helpers and our support system – I so appreciate you, your words, your check ins and your space when we need it.

And here we are on May 16th and I’m still struggling to put into words what has happened in our family (well and this world with a global pandemic happening) over the course of the past 4 months. There is a part of me that deeply wants to document the pains, the hurts, the injustice we encountered and the lessons learned here but also feel hesitation and don’t want to shame the loved ones involved.

So if you have been wondering, here is a readers’ digest version of our roller coaster the past few months –
1. (Week 1) Allegations were made that put our family in an open CPS and police investigation. This resulted in WonderGIRL not living with us due to a mandated safety plan. And resulting in an uncertain future for both our employment and her remaining in our care. (Identity as Mom and mandated reporter in question)
2. (Week 2) I was notified that my district position was eliminated due to a failed levy in our school district. A position that I am SUPER passionate about and know in my bones is a positive move for our community and for children in general. That same failed levy also put my next volleyball season at risk. (Identify as professional and coach threatened to be removed)
4. (Month 2) Then our state closed and schools closed and all of these traumatized and fragile beings were forced got to be in a house together 24/7 (minus WG) and the pain and the ripple effects during this stay at home order has been complicated at best.
5. (Month 3) 90 days later, CPS determined our case was unfounded (which we already knew) and now we are working to rebuild what a “new normal” looks like within our home…..
6. (Month 4) as the entire world determines what the “new normal” looks like for living, education, and beyond.

And just the irony of this all, if you had checked out my RootedWELL instagram story just days before any of this tsuanami of trauma hit, I was reflecting on “bits and pieces of my life and my interactions all colliding for good and for a purpose that is on fire within me.” And NOW in hindsight I am now considering (not believing yet) that there might be lessons in this for me to use. For me to light my passion even more. And like it says in the picture above, for me to use to help and guide someone else’s survival story.

I read today in an amazing book that I’m reading, “You have to endure the wound in order to heal the pain.” That resonates with me and with the mission we have for WonderGIRL and our family moving forward in a big way…..we endured the wound and now we heal. Prayers and good wishes are continued to be needed and as usual, thank you to our circle of loved ones for the check-ins, the support, the drop everything and come keep me company visits – all so very much appreciated.

Summer thorns

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Summer can be a hard time for our crew….this summer brought a few extra transitions that were tough as well.

While we look super happy and loving in the above picture at our camping site pool, we are also sadly grieving that in this picture there is only 4 members of Team Hoelzle Brown. Our sweet BraveGIRL decided to move back with her biological sister and legal guardian (reuniting her also with her twin sister) a few days before this camping trip. We are happy for her but ultimately, do not agree its in her best interest to move back and really wish we could still guide and influence her life for a bit longer. We poured our hearts and time and love into her and hope and pray the two years of lessons, struggles and character improvements will last her into her adulthood.

This grief is tough because it’s unresolved. There is no ending, but a lot of wondering and questions and mixed feelings that will last for a while. It’s been tough for our littles, especially WonderBOY as he misses her deeply. Seeing her empty room filled with cats instead of clothes on the floor is hard each day. And yes, we still communicate with her and will continue to be in her life as long as she lets us. We got an enthusiastic call on her first day at her new high school excited about the year ahead, so I continue to be hopeful for her. We love her and have high hopes for her future and I trust that she knows that deep down inside and will always remember that.

If nothing else, this experience is stretching and preparing our hearts to foster other little ones as they move back and forth between their biological families and ours, navigating that deep love and deep grief with each new placement.

Each summer, we dive deep and hard into the waters of our kiddos’ traumas, doubling down on therapy when we have enough time and space to process and endure the resulting emotions and behaviors afterward. In particular, we are exploring the “why” of some of WB and WG’s triggers and behaviors…..listening to them unpack their childhood is excruciating to sit and listen to. I can’t imagine enduring that they had to which leads to deep sadness. But I also become overwhelmingly angry that I couldn’t protect them….that I don’t have a time machine to go back and take away the hurts and the deep wounds that I am now accepting might never change or be healed.

For instance, Scott/Daddy/my hubs is away hunting right now. Both of our kiddos are struggling with that and do every year around this time…typical children might be worried Dad is going to get hurt or an accident will happen and just a sadness of missing him.

But instead, both of my kiddos are stuck with this automatic fear that he will not return and even stated to our therapist “What if he doesn’t want to live here anymore?”. Insert my own heart breaking. Insert imagining what it’s like to be a 2 year old waking up in the morning, searching for a parent who is not there and lashing out at his 8 year old sister who is charged with being his caretaker…..insert tears and grief and Daddy creating voicemails assuring him he loves our home and him and will be returning so he can listen to it over and over when he needs reassurance.

So with some of that, we decided to “stay home” quite a lot this summer. We watched lots of Netflix, enjoyed our new air conditioned home, and hunkered down together. I am sooooo ready for the new school year and soooooo excited for my new volleyball team, which gets me up and out of bed in the morning and makes these thorns hurt a little bit less which I am grateful for.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words through some of our “hard” this summer…..we appreciate your love and understanding and encouragement through it all over the years.

On Wondergirl’s new school

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For multiple years, we have been contemplating that public education might not be the best fit for our WonderGIRL. And not because I don’t fully believe in the public education system, because I completely do (as its one of my biggest life purposes and passions). But the education system, as it stands right now, automatically assumes that the age and grade of child determines what they are capable of. And with WG and so many other kiddos with significant trauma, this is not the case. Much research actually shows that children coming from significant trauma are about HALF their age in social and emotional development. Imagine having an 8 year old go to school with high school freshmen and sophomores…..ack!!!!After WG was not able to keep herself safe and out of harm’s way freshmen year at our public high school, we decided to try a small private school setting here in town. Being in a classroom with only 12 students and ONE teacher all day long is such a good fit for her. Less peers to be distracted by and less adults to manipulate and students that are a little more “her speed” when it comes to social and emotional problem solving. Although there are other challenges and setbacks with this choice as always, so far we are happy with our decision and WG is really trying to rise to our expectations of her.Parenting WG has been by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done. And not because her behaviors and challenges are big and scary but because I am having to change and release my own hopes and dreams for how much her story will be changed in the relatively short time we have had her. I am in a true grieving process right now…..what if she doesn’t change? What if she never learns about cause and effect? What if she always walks to that van of puppies and accepts the invitation to come inside??? Every core of my being believes that kids and people can change with the right supports and the right teaching….but the drastic changes that are needed with this one might not get there before we lose her to 18 and what will most likely be a desperate need to be out on her own. Many outsiders looking in see her for what I hope people always see in her….joy, energy, compassion, helpfulness…..but underneath there is significant brain damage from a traumatic birth journey and even more significant emotional damage from a significant abuse history.

So I am choosing to rewrite the story of parenting her and rewriting my own goals and dreams and wishes for her future……and learning to be okay in that editing process. Being okay with a future that might look different than what I thought for her…..and fighting for all the supports and therapy and healing that we can fit in the next two years while she is with us in our unconditional and loving home.Picture above of me and my girls….reminding me to look inside at their hearts….filled with love, but filled with a million little holes poked by a million different hurts that all of my love and effort and affirmations leak out of on a daily/hourly/second basis. So we start again like we do every morning…..looking to plug one hole so that another one shows itself for tomorrow. Time to go to work…..

On being the nurturing enemy….

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These words. A title for a role I am still working to understand. A role I’m not sure I want on the worst of days. And a role that was gifted to me, I accepted and now am working to grow into…..one day, one trigger, one kiddo at a time. We are battling big time with love and trust with our WonderGirl…..at this teenage crossroads, will she lean in or push us away? Let us protect her or forge out on her own?

In many ways, we are parenting a 3 year old. Someone who knows we are the mom and dad and knows we are safe but still needs to test the boundaries of their independence and new skills. How far away can I stray and those people over there will still be there when I return? And then you add in hormones, same-age peer comparisons and a complete lack of working memory…..and our battles can be exhausting.

So when I come across an article that literally makes me have my own fight, flight or freeze response with complete acknowledgement of all my insides….I just felt compelled to share. For other trauma mamas of course and for our tribes to get some perspective….not for pity but just for grace and understanding. Which is all we really want anyway…..

The most realistic quote I have come across in my years of the foster/adopt world:
“In many ways, the primary caregiver who steps in to parent, raise, and care for a child whose trust has been previously broken is often approached as the nurturing enemy. I have no words to describe how devastating and utterly depressing this reality is. It’s a mixture of hopeless and helpless, with an extra-large side of carnal frustration and a daily sprinkling a Divine Grace that is only ever enough to help you persevere through whatever current challenge is before you.”

Read the full article here.

My sweet WG is amazing in so many ways and I don’t want to take that away from her. She is loving, nurturing to others, a bundle of joy, and the list goes on and on. Many who meet her probably are baffled at my stories based on her behavior in public and social settings. And I am okay with the sometimes divergent path of this parenting journey with her…..it’s part of what we were called to do. And it’s also extremely helpful when others understand the struggle and come alongside us as we set boundaries for her and place expectations and restraints that might be against what THEY view as her needs or us being too harsh to a “normal teenage girl.”

And to all the other “nurturing enemies” reading this, I see you, I feel you, I know we stay in and isolate ourselves to of protection……so please come over for a glass of wine or coffee (or both) sometime. Swear words, slammed doors, and the potential of violence may be an added bonus to your beverage but so will empathy, compassion, and a whole lot of connection too.

 

BraveGIRL stays a while….

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As many of you know, a sweet friend of WonderGIRL’s came to live with us on a short-term basis in August and has been a lovely addition to our family. She is 15 and has a heart of gold that we have loved discovering over time. Through some family decision team meetings, it has been decided that BraveGIRL is going to stay with us long term. We hope to set her up for a successful transition to adulthood with some firm boundaries and a whole lot of daily lessons on family, relationships, and healthy decision-making. Also as usual on this blog, her story is her story and I won’t be sharing the story of what brought her to us publicly. Her trauma is big…..but my belief in her and her future is even bigger – which sums up about every single being in this house so she fits in quite nicely!!!!

This transition has included some bumpy roads for our other two Wonders as they navigate what it feels like to share their forever parents’ love and attention. Even though WG and WB are older, I imagine these are typical feelings from a 2 year old toddler with a newborn sibling…..feeling a disruption in the family make-up they once knew to be the end of the world. Rexie has already fallen in love with her, as evident in the quick dashes inside her bedroom as soon as the door opens and lots of snuggles in her lap.

Someone asked me the other night how many children Scott and I plan on bringing into our family….and the answer still remains the same and as simply complicated as ever – “however many God decides to give us.” We are still a licensed foster family and may start to take new placements this summer…..but are also open to considering an international adoption as well. Thank you to our ever expanding fan club for your prayers and support as our family size and structure ebbs and flows both physically and emotionally – we truly couldn’t be staying afloat without you.

 

Some nuggets of truth…

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I have been soaking up professional development in this last month….but conferences can be hard when there is so much information and not enough time to “download” and process it all. These two gems stuck with me once I returned home so in hopes to ground them in writing somewhere, I want to document them here and maybe pass on the inspiration to you as well! I got to listen to an entire day from two wonderful presenters around mindfulness with children (and adults) and both of these quotes came from that day.Although it sounds so counter-intuitive, when tragedy strikes (a person, a family or a nation), sometimes it is a cry out for change or an awareness rises out of the tragedy that can advocate for a person or people in a new way. Right now with the school violence as a hot topic, we are talking about what needs to change for increased safety in school. This is obviously important to me in my work…..I still hold steady to a belief that more school counselors having chances to dig deeper with all students AND teach proactive coping skills/mental health prevention to all students really is the answer. So the gift for me of he recent tragedy is that others are speaking up and advocating for a smilier belief to mine which hasn’t always been the case (especially when sometimes the counselor is pitted against smaller class sizes which is a hard case to make for administration).

And on a personal note, my own Wonders’ tragedy brought them on a broken road to us as their parents and that really is one of the most amazing gifts that has ever been given me. We use this language a lot with all of our kiddos, because it can be so hard to rationalize the “why” of trauma and things being done to you as a child, but a greater plan and purpose for them is there and we must communicate that to them over and over.My new favorite quote EVER….like in the history of ever!!!

With what we know about burn out, compassion fatigue, secondary trauma and the effect of childhood trauma on our actual medical life outcomes….this is HUGE!! I feel like self-care has alway been thought of as a fuzzy term just held sacred for the uppity ups of our world….but small moments of self-care can be hugely impactful to anyone’s day. Whether it’s some quiet moments of calm in the morning or in the midst of you work day, some power poses before bed, or just making conscious efforts to meet up with your loved ones – self-care can not be an option. It is a requirement, just like exercise, to cope with our increasingly pressurized and stress-filled world.

P.S. I realize that my blog has been overloaded with lots of “deep” as of late…..apparently the thoughtful me has been dominating!!! I need to get these cute kiddos of mine on here with an update and some kid quotes ASAP……stay tuned!!!

On the power of chess….

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My little man has always been into board games and learning how to play chess came very easily for him. What a great chance to learn patience, problem solving, and thinking through moves before we make them (all traits we are furiously working on in life with our wonders day in and day out). Especially for kids with trauma, these pathways in his brain (overriding “fight or flight” with “stop, breathe, think”) need to be reinforced over and over again and chess is a great vehicle to make that happen! He joined an after school chess club this year and we’ve seen some amazing improvements in his schoolwork, attention and general temperament since he started.They have all-day chess tournaments around the county (who knew???) so we got to partake in one at FHS last week and it was such a fun and relaxing day supporting him (and running into old friends – bonus!!!!). I am really grateful WonderBOY has found something other than sports he can devote some time and energy into to become the well-rounded man I wish for him to be!My friend Anna sent me this great article highlighting the benefits of this great game that I thought I would pass along to you too. Click here to read!