I know I have been absent on here the last couple of months – it is hard to discern what stories to share and what stories to keep private to protect the relationships and journeys of those I love and care for.
In usual end of year fashion, I look forward to publishing my yearly blog book and don’t want to miss out on a chance to tell some stories from this year – perhaps even with the purpose of sharing inspiration to others that could use it.
This year, my One Little Word was heal (read blog post here). Part of this was researching some alternative forms of healing to the usual suspects of medication and talk therapy. These forms of help definitely have a place in our world of mental health but what I am finding is that some mental health struggles can actually be resistant to this treatment or even worse, they can make some symptoms even worse.
My husband, who has struggled with mental health stemming from childhood trauma (his most accurate diagnosis would most likely be Complex-PTSD but very few clinicians give this diagnosis – especially to adults). After a rough patch this year, he agreed to try some alternative forms of treatment, including both Ketamine infusions and EMDR. I thought I would share a piece of his story (with his permission) about Ketamine, in case you or a loved one is also struggling with depression/anxiety that may be resistant to other forms of treatment.
Northwest Ketamine was recommended to us and he had a very good experience there. I will post a Part 2 with some of his own thoughts on the treatment.
Have you heard of Ketamine infusions before? If the answer is no and you or a loved one is struggling with mental health, remember to do some research and ask questions – there is more out there than medication and talk therapy!
I struggled with what to call the experience of WonderGIRL moving out of our house unexpectedly this last summer – although many writers talk about it as a transition (when your teen moves out or goes to college) defined as “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another”….that just didn’t fit this particular experience.
Our experience was much less of a process and ongoing period but a jump off a cliff into the anxiety-ridden unknown. And as we move forward, I am going to write about this experience just from my point of view and not sharing a lot of details about her or her choices during this time – and the reason I’m writing about it at all is to practice my own form of self-care and survival and my own processing of disenfranchised grief that happened during this time.
At the end of July, WG decided she was ready for adulthood outside of our home. While I am sure she was fully convinced she had the skills necessary to do so at the time, I knew a different story but had no control one way or the other. In Brene Brown’s newest book (must-read BTW), she writes, “as it turns out, being able to see what’s coming doesn’t make it any less painful when it arrives.” Because the thing is, we PREPARED for this transition. We were talking about her adulthood with her therapist starting at the age of 16! We purchased a house to transition into a downstairs apartment for her. We had countless conversations spelling out (and acting out awkwardly) every hard thing she might encounter and how her emotions might react to front load her body’s reaction. We provided all the safety and the protection and the structure that all the books said we should.
The only picture I have of us during this time period. We saw each other less than 5 times in 5 months.
And I’m pretty sure the hurt and the grief was the same amount as folks that literally didn’t even see the cliff looming ahead. After she left, we tried to set up regular meeting times – they all fell through. After she left, I tried to text and remind her of our unconditional love – they weren’t returned. After she left, I checked my phone obsessively just for a sign that she was still alive or hadn’t ended up at the ER for suicidal thoughts. I felt twinges of hope when she sounded lucid and genuine and then waves of despair when I encountered the shell of a daughter I had raised for the last 7 years.
I truly felt like a failure – I did all the things that I knew how to do from countless trainings on the effects of trauma. I did all the things I thought I should do as a foster/adoptive mama. I advocated for her in all the ways I knew how to – and it still ended like this and her choices were that of any other kiddo aging out of foster care (I’ll share those devastating stats below) – so what was all the heartache, the criminal trial, the social workers, the allegations, the painful moments even for?!?!
This feeling (not her or her actions, just MY bodily response) sent me into a state of depression for quite a few months this Summer/Fall. People even reached out to me with typical requests to share my blog or talk to their friends about adopting or taking in teens with trauma and I told them I was the wrong person to ask – I would have told them to run the other way!!!!
I went to work and to volleyball and sometimes thought of nothing else besides returning to my bed and Netflix the second I could. I found small pockets of joy (especially during volleyball) that kept me going but was having a hard time. I found this image while scrolling social media and it resonated with me for that time period – like I’m going to work and outwardly showing signs of flourishing, but definitely ALSO in a period of depression.
And just in case someone you know is in a similar state, I thought I would share a little section titled “What helped me during this time period?” – my husband and WB understanding my grief and letting me be – check ins with our therapist – vocalizing my struggle to my colleagues and my volleyball team – adjusting my goals of movement and self-care to accurate standards (work out 1/week vs everyday for example) – texts that just say “checking in” without any judgement if I don’t respond – being clear with my boundaries (“I don’t want anyone to come in my room tonight”, “I can’t go to that family thing – you need to go without me.”)
Although WG didn’t technically age out while “in the system”, any history of foster care and a trauma-brain can contribute to these outcomes.
Again, I am writing about this experience just to process it for myself but also to highlight a journey that I don’t see revealed in many other places. Having a struggling adult child with mental health issues is SO ISOLATING – you care about their privacy and dignity with their own story and can’t share the same as with a little child, yet folks really don’t know how to help or what to say even if you do share. So you spare them that experience and say nothing…..
As I am still smack-dab in the middle of this transition, other things I’d like to document here: – what I learned (about myself, about young adults with her background, about our system) – the impact on my marriage
As I near the age of 40 (which means very little to me as far as ages go), I am noticing that this age DOES mean some things to people around me, especially women. And what I’m observing from both close and afar…..which makes me super excited, proud, inspired is that reaching higher ages and “mid-life” has prompted so many of my friends to “EVOLVE” or as I like to call it “up level.” They are realizing their potentials, they are healing themselves or accessing help to heal themselves, they are leaving toxic situation and they are pursuing their purposes. So instead of the old verbiage, “mid-life crisis”….I thought I would share a little about the collective “mid-life level up” I am witnessing around me and some resources you might be into as well.
Looking back on my life in creating my family within the last 10 years, my realization of purpose and prompts for healing needed to come earlier out of the need for sheer survival. Committing to a life of loving my husband and kids with complex-PTSD meant we all had to reflect on our own triggers, heal our reactions in small moments, and “do the work” (as I like to say) much earlier than might happen in typical family stories. This work included hours of therapy, handfuls of personal development reads and podcasts, tears and heartache, and hours of the holy grail of healing – meditation practices.
The books that keep “popping up” as inspiration in my journey:
Untamed should be required reading for all women. What Happened to You? should be required reading for all foster/adopt parents, educators and survivors of childhood trauma. Highly recommend BOTH!These two reads are “the HEAVY and HARD work.” They are a bit more cerebral and will gut punch you at times with their prompts and concepts but if you can stay present and dig in, enlightenment is on the other side waiting for you.I would recommend these books for “non-readers.” They are short stories and can be picked up, put down at any time. Great for coffee tables or travel. Small stories – big impact!
To all of my mid-lifers out there, I see you and honor you. Keep meditating and raising your self-awareness. Keep striving for your best self. And keep sharing your journey – you may never know the seeds of inspiration that grow in others’ hearts and be the missing puzzle piece for the evolution of another. Let’s level up together shall we?
P.S. And can I even do a blog post on personal growth without a Brene quote? I think not…..
”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.’’ – Brené Brown
A look back at each grade….the photos (sorry sis), the memories, the favorite teachers, and lessons learned! Enjoy!
5th grade This is the year I met my WonderGIRL. She was new to our elementary school (since moving in with her Grandma the summer prior) and very excited to meet with me whenever she had the chance. I had a special lunch for all of our new Nooksack students and left a small paper invite on her desk the day of the event. She bounced in enthusiastically and was instantly the life of the party. Long story short….after that day, we had weekly meetings uncovering crisis after crisis outside of school, which led to a disclosure, which led to placement in foster care, which led to a final spot in our home. At the end of the school year, we cleaned out her backpack and tucked inside a little pocket was the invite from me to the special lunch she had saved…..when I asked her why she saved it, her reply was “It was the first time I had ever received an invitation to anything.” (insert heartbreak here).
I didn’t get her school pic this year but she participated in dance this year and loved it! I however had a lot to learn about being a dance Mom – her teacher, Mrs. Jones had to drag me kicking and screaming instruct me every step of the way.
I am BEYOND grateful for the staff at NES for their support of WonderGIRL and little bro (and ME) this school year. The pursuit of their foster placement then inviting them to our home, then working through childcare and juggling my life as a new and instant parent was as HEAVY and chaotic lift and this staff held me and the kiddos above water daily and I will never forget these months in transition with them. They were equal parts therapists, feeding specialists, bodyguards (against bio family), and most importantly, our cheerleaders every step of the way.
Mrs. Malpica
Ms. Tjoelker and Mrs. Maxwell
Middle School 6th-8th grade Well….I was going to try to go year by year but this entire season of our life was a bit of a blur. As the honeymoon phase ran out in our home for both kiddos, middle school was a TOUGH time for WonderGIRL. She was facing insurmountable trauma with a looming criminal trial against her bio father (where she had to testify in person) and at the same time, trying to attach and be cared for by our family. School had always been a safe place where WG could leave the troubles of home and create her own world of personality, attitude and stories to get what she needed…..and middle school was no different. We learned how to tackle missing assignments and homework (with minimal bumps and bruises), managing multiple teachers and expectations (very challenging for kids with trauma still early in attachment skills), and a lot of lessons in friendships – the creating and keeping of quality relationships during this stage was hard.
6th grade
7th grade
8th grade
During her 7th grade year, we got to adopt WG and going to the school to tell her she was legally free to adopt is one of my favorite memories of this time. Her teachers rallied around her excitement and shared the joy as if they were in our family as well.
8th grade was a bit of a minefield with behaviors and academics – but we survived and were ready for a fresh start in a new home and new school district.
Freshman Since moving to Ferndale, we knew that WG would start her career at Ferndale High School (my alma mater) and I was excited for her to experience new opportunities, new classes, and new students to create friendships with here that lived close to us. She had mixed feelings about the teachers knowing me and all her uncles, but loved taking a variety of classes (especially culinary!) and jumped head first into trying to make new friends (although she would report she could have made some better choices in this arena). All in all, it was a bit of a rough year but we survived and learned some lessons along the way.
Sophomore After we evaluated our safety concerns with WG at the public high school and doing some research, we decided to enroll her at a tiny private school down the road from us. We were confident with a small class size and one teacher for an entire day, WG would be able to cope appropriately with her social-emotional needs, and be able to access academic learning. This year, she met Ms. Hanson, literally a teacher angel sent down from heaven, to be WG’s teacher. WG instantly felt connected to her and trusted her (two vital precursors to kids with trauma being able to learn) and later we found out that this teacher had a trauma and adoption history of her own….her understanding and protection of WG this year was such a blessing to our family.
The structure and predictability that this school provided for WG created a “trauma-responsive” school setting that truly allowed WG to grow academically in big ways. We began to see growth not only in her assignments, but in her truth telling, friendship skills, and trust in us as her caregivers.
Junior Because of Ms. Hanson, we decided to try another year at this school. The growth continued. WG now had a best friend from the school that she was inseparable with and started dating, both milestones that created a lot of lessons (and some grief and loss) this school year. Our beloved Ms. Hanson had to leave before the end of the school year, thus proving the only thing keeping WG at this particular school was the felt safety and care that she provided. Plus we felt WG had made some huge improvements in her behavior, trustworthiness, and academics enough to be ready to finish her schooling at FHS.
Senior We are so proud of WG this year finishing stronger than ever academically, socially, and beyond. When hearing the results of her cognitive and academic testing for her special education plan, our team was in awe of her jump in scores in every area. I knew that her inner healing from daily (forced) movement and oils, private school, years of counseling, and other methods had done wonders…..but it was nice to hear them in number/evaluation form too.
This was also the year she finally received her spinal fusion surgery (originally scheduled a year prior). That journey is an entire story on it’s own. Click here to read.
WG’s goal this year was for peers and teachers to see her as completely different than her freshman year. And I’m hoping they did….because we do! Ending the year, she already started a job as a caregiver at a local assisted living home, has a wonderfully sweet boyfriend, and is working on financial savings to start paying bills to truly transition to “adulthood.” Next up – graduation and our grad party with our amazing network of supporters…..all the celebrations for how far she has come and how far we believe she can go from here!
This month is Foster Care Awareness Month. I am partipcating in an Instagram challenge to share different pieces of our story each day. Some of it is hard to capture in words…..partly because it hurts to remember some of it and because I want to be mindful that my children are out there and on social media – sharing their story without their consent is always a hard balance. So I will try to just share my side and my personal experiences…… ? ??? ???????? ?? ????????. Way more content on trauma, attachment and responding to behaviors needs to be added. As well as secondary trauma and caring for yourself as foster parents. Even for ongoing training hours, all you have to do is watch a movie and give evidence of what you learned. ? ??? ?????? ??? ??? ???? ???????? ?? ??? ???????? ?? ????. The system has….how much the children cost, the caseload overload of the case worker, reunification requirements of the bio family, checking off due dates for paperwork in mind, and the interest of the children in mind. ? ?? ???? ?? ??? ???? ?? “???? ???? ????”. THAT IS THE POINT. It will be too hard to have that be the reason to not offer a safe home to kiddos in desperate need. The time they spend with us is nothing but planting seeds, watering and tending to the soil, and crossing fingers/hoping there is a bountiful harvest. ? ??? ?????? ?? ???? ?????????/supported/funded. The system is chaotic. There are no checks and balances, just the subjective opinions of case workers and supervisors. The policies are loosely followed and when asked about them, you as the foster parent will be labeled as “difficult” for questioning their process/motives. ? ??? ???????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ???? ???. Nothing about a foster child’s experience is lucky. They are experiencing grief and have trauma stuck inside their bodies like a toxic poison that refuses to leave. Depending on the age of the kiddo, this trauma comes out in a myriad of ways….most of the time in ways that no one would describe as lucky. ? ??? ???? ???? ?? ????. Most of them had “love”….as far as they felt it. All they actually need is: safety, boundaries, advocate for healing, consent over their world, a transition support plan after they turn 18….. Some of these experiences are just due to unfortunate circumstances in our particular story, others seem universal from talking to others and some are just my opinions formed from experiencing it as a professional trained in childhood trauma and mental health. It can be better….but without highlighting the dysfunction and addressing the complete lack of pay/support for the organization….I continue to be sad for all children placed in and experiencing “the system”. Many foster parents become “one and done” never usually due to the child, but the complete unfairness of loving:caring for the child within the system. ? Thanks for reading/listening!!! And per usual as a foster parent, I should say: all of this dysfunction is worth it for the child…..because the outcome of not even trying is so incredibly worse. And YOU may be lucky and get the diamond in the rough caseworker that makes it all worth it for YOU (@rachelbowlden).
5 months ago, we were anxiously waiting for 2 rods and 22 screws to be installed into WonderGIRL’s back by an amazing surgical staff at Seattle Children’s…..now here we are, pain-free and working on what a healthy attachment between Mama and daughter actually means and feels like after 7 years together.
This year I’ve encountered some new friends and colleagues that don’t know much about our family’s history – and I love sharing some of the monumental peaks and valleys woven throughout our now 7 years together (today is our “live-a-versary” as we have termed it….we love adding holidays to celebrate into the mix).
In honor of this day, I thought I would try to collect the different stories I have written here on this blog together in one spot, just in case anyone is interested in taking a look back….click the blue links to read more about each milestone!
The first picture we took together – Valentine’s Day dinner at Red Robin. Team Brave Dinosaurs was named here. Their little scared faces break my heart.
Last night I presented to a group of 60 or so parents and educators on supporting small children through the highs and lows of our world right now….they had great questions and affirmed that yes, parenting right now is extra crazy, extra hard, and extra exhausting.
I believe in my core that most, if not all parents humans are struggling right now to stay afloat in this pace and demands of life (pace pre-Covid, demands during Covid/racial reckoning/politics, etc.). So here is a little learning that I have discovered for my two kiddos with trauma that might help any of you work towards normalcy and calm during this pandemic.
Unpredictability, especially in brains with trauma, is the fastest trigger for a fear response, thus alerting our fight or flight to jump into action! Routines and rituals can help calm this limbic system part of our brain that is constantly scanning for threats or safety (ahem, the coughing next aisle over in the grocery store that you never paid attention to before)….with outside practices, social engagements, sometimes school and activities shut down – how can we set up routines and rituals within our home that ground ourselves and our children into a flow state?
Here are a few ideas that we have tried…
One of my fave places for our Take-Out Tuesday routine (trying to support local restaurants each week during the shut-down) – Skai Sushi!
If you have kiddos that already have BIG feelings and reactions, I’m sure throwing this pandemic into the mix hasn’t been the easiest transition. I did a post about this here if you’d like to read more tried and true strategies from my work as a school counselor.
While I think about this work, I am reminded that this time at home has been a time for me and my hubby to commit to intentional healing with our kiddos….we have the time to set new routines in motion, fix old negative habits, restore past hurts and for that, I am grateful.
The routines and rituals aspect has helped my energy level and patience through this hard time as it also gives me something to look forward to with my family….and the repeating each week just feels stable, calm, and safe in a way that I can’t describe.
What routines and rituals have you implemented since quarantine?? I’d love to hear more ideas!!!
The day that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were announced the winners of the 2020 election – although so many things happened in my family this year that kinda defined the year, the hope and relief that moment held was hugely impactful for me.
3. Drinking a glass of wine/beer each night – figured out this severely impacted my sleep and my mood the next day.
4. My creative problem solving and reliance on my knowledge of trauma even when faced with “authorities” who claim to know more/differently.
5. Public speaking (writing?) about trauma, education, healing, etc.
6. That systems are broken, are subjective, and human error (even with the best of intentions) in a matter of seconds can change history….especially in the case of CPS, police investigations, racism, discipline in schools, equity in education. I already knew this on a theoretical level, but our involvement with these systems this year really brought me new perspective and lowered my overall trust in many things.
7. Our attachment therapist – hands down. Literally an angel placed in our lives 4 years ago (okay not placed, I actually stalked her in order to get her in my family’s life) and I don’t know how I would have gotten through this year without her. And my former stepmother, who stepped up to take WonderGIRL for 3 months during the hardest season of this year. I do not know what we would have done without her stepping up (and whether or not WG would still be here if she didn’t).
8. I am thankful for these silver linings (this could probably be its own post): – trauma-informed classrooms and increased focus on social emotional health in schools – zoom learning for WG and WB (with their attention and focus issues, this has actually benefited their learning big time) – attachment and trust that has come after WonderGIRL’s spinal fusion surgery in September – Scott’s openness to different modes of healing/therapy – more people open to natural solutions for mental and physical health – date nights outside under cozy tents – learning that I am more of a homebody than I thought and the slower pace of life without over scheduling is key to our collective wellness – soft clothes, pajamas, jumpers please and thank you – so much board game time with our kiddos this year (Dutch Blitz, Phase 10, and Sequence) – extra time for camping and road trips – no Fall volleyball season means I got to celebrate my birthday in Vegas with my girlies!
9. Dear self (full of optimism and vision and hope), Hold on for dear life. You know what you’re doing. They need you. You will get to the other side. It’s okay not to be okay. Love, Me (full of more accurate vision of reality and still a little hope left)
10. Wildest dreams for 2021: More time for this……
Just kidding (kind of). Still marinating on what next year could look like….stay tuned!
To be honest, this year didn’t look a whole lot different for us….we learned early with the kiddos (this is our 6th Christmas with our Wonders!) that a ton of events around this holiday is NOT healthy for any of us. So just like in years past, we spread out family gatherings (and used masks when appropriate), we had a slow Christmas morning with minimal presents and stimuli, and increased the answer “yes” to many of their requests.
Here are a few happy pictures I want to remember from this year:
New happy jams – and the perfect Christmas card picture we took the day after I ordered our Christmas cards. Just the way 2020 worked for all of us…..bad timing!
Waiting for Daddy to get off work was hard!
New DJ set….
Vampire diaries swag.
All the cat toys!
Watching WW1984 as a family!
And because it’s funny – I went crazy with the Snapchat filters on Savannah and he hated every moment of it. Scott at work thoroughly enjoyed however.
