As much of parenting children with extreme histories of trauma is, periods of doubt and questioning come up often. This is not unique to foster and adoptive parenting as I hear from a number of parents that raising whole and healthy humans is the toughest job around and no one hands us instruction manuals. But the variable here that is pertinent to raising others’ children is the lack of shared genetics, knowledge of histories and feelings of helplessness that comes from not knowing anything about what happened before they came into your world and changed it forever.
And sometimes the only comfort for that helplessness is sharing the misery and connecting with other trauma parents in the same boat. While I was sharing a particular update within the last 6 months that has been incredibly difficult for our family and for one of our Wonders with another adoptive parent, he said something that has stuck with me and given me hope during some very dark moments, weeks, and periods of questioning. He assured/reminded me of the fact that intergenerational trauma and the effects of trauma can be passed down through multiple generations. So our influence on their lives is not just meaningful if a positive outcome comes out of our efforts to that particular child….but the influence will persist into the very chemistry of their children, their grandchildren and on and on and on.
When we signed on to foster and eventually adopt, we wanted to steer the path of these vulnerable little ones toward a better outlook gifted to them through a series of horrific events and experiences. So thinking about it in this “long game” sense gave me some hope that our efforts weren’t wasted and hoping that just a slight break in these cycles would benefit our future grandchildren and beyond.
If you are parenting (or educating or caring for vulnerable children in any way), I see you and the hard work you are putting in. The sacrifices to your families and network of loved ones, to your health and the emotional safekeeping of all those around you. I encourage you to find some perspective in this knowledge and release some of the pressure you might be putting on yourself to save them (they are not broken) or to get a positive outcome (we are not in control of another human’s future, even though we try).
If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend the following read (not only if you are a foster/adopt parent but also if you know generations before you experienced specific or historical trauma) – it might shed some light on some mysteries surrounding you or your health.
