Tag Archives: grief and loss

On our recent grief

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On February 20th, I posted the following to my Facebook page:

In a matter of two weeks, so much of my world and my identity that I’ve worked very hard for has been questioned and threatened in ways I never imagined. 
My role as a mom, systems that are supposed to protect, my job, my sports program…..our family and me (along with a whole group of educators) could use some prayers right now to stay afloat. ? So much loss and uncertainty has been hard on all the hearts of Team Hoelzle Brown. 
I don’t usually post this stuff but maybe a little more “messy” on social media feeds will normalize the hard seasons of life and break down some walls between reality and online presences. 
And thank you to our helpers and our support system – I so appreciate you, your words, your check ins and your space when we need it.

And here we are on May 16th and I’m still struggling to put into words what has happened in our family (well and this world with a global pandemic happening) over the course of the past 4 months. There is a part of me that deeply wants to document the pains, the hurts, the injustice we encountered and the lessons learned here but also feel hesitation and don’t want to shame the loved ones involved.

So if you have been wondering, here is a readers’ digest version of our roller coaster the past few months –
1. (Week 1) Allegations were made that put our family in an open CPS and police investigation. This resulted in WonderGIRL not living with us due to a mandated safety plan. And resulting in an uncertain future for both our employment and her remaining in our care. (Identity as Mom and mandated reporter in question)
2. (Week 2) I was notified that my district position was eliminated due to a failed levy in our school district. A position that I am SUPER passionate about and know in my bones is a positive move for our community and for children in general. That same failed levy also put my next volleyball season at risk. (Identify as professional and coach threatened to be removed)
4. (Month 2) Then our state closed and schools closed and all of these traumatized and fragile beings were forced got to be in a house together 24/7 (minus WG) and the pain and the ripple effects during this stay at home order has been complicated at best.
5. (Month 3) 90 days later, CPS determined our case was unfounded (which we already knew) and now we are working to rebuild what a “new normal” looks like within our home…..
6. (Month 4) as the entire world determines what the “new normal” looks like for living, education, and beyond.

And just the irony of this all, if you had checked out my RootedWELL instagram story just days before any of this tsuanami of trauma hit, I was reflecting on “bits and pieces of my life and my interactions all colliding for good and for a purpose that is on fire within me.” And NOW in hindsight I am now considering (not believing yet) that there might be lessons in this for me to use. For me to light my passion even more. And like it says in the picture above, for me to use to help and guide someone else’s survival story.

I read today in an amazing book that I’m reading, “You have to endure the wound in order to heal the pain.” That resonates with me and with the mission we have for WonderGIRL and our family moving forward in a big way…..we endured the wound and now we heal. Prayers and good wishes are continued to be needed and as usual, thank you to our circle of loved ones for the check-ins, the support, the drop everything and come keep me company visits – all so very much appreciated.

Summer thorns

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Summer can be a hard time for our crew….this summer brought a few extra transitions that were tough as well.

While we look super happy and loving in the above picture at our camping site pool, we are also sadly grieving that in this picture there is only 4 members of Team Hoelzle Brown. Our sweet BraveGIRL decided to move back with her biological sister and legal guardian (reuniting her also with her twin sister) a few days before this camping trip. We are happy for her but ultimately, do not agree its in her best interest to move back and really wish we could still guide and influence her life for a bit longer. We poured our hearts and time and love into her and hope and pray the two years of lessons, struggles and character improvements will last her into her adulthood.

This grief is tough because it’s unresolved. There is no ending, but a lot of wondering and questions and mixed feelings that will last for a while. It’s been tough for our littles, especially WonderBOY as he misses her deeply. Seeing her empty room filled with cats instead of clothes on the floor is hard each day. And yes, we still communicate with her and will continue to be in her life as long as she lets us. We got an enthusiastic call on her first day at her new high school excited about the year ahead, so I continue to be hopeful for her. We love her and have high hopes for her future and I trust that she knows that deep down inside and will always remember that.

If nothing else, this experience is stretching and preparing our hearts to foster other little ones as they move back and forth between their biological families and ours, navigating that deep love and deep grief with each new placement.

Each summer, we dive deep and hard into the waters of our kiddos’ traumas, doubling down on therapy when we have enough time and space to process and endure the resulting emotions and behaviors afterward. In particular, we are exploring the “why” of some of WB and WG’s triggers and behaviors…..listening to them unpack their childhood is excruciating to sit and listen to. I can’t imagine enduring that they had to which leads to deep sadness. But I also become overwhelmingly angry that I couldn’t protect them….that I don’t have a time machine to go back and take away the hurts and the deep wounds that I am now accepting might never change or be healed.

For instance, Scott/Daddy/my hubs is away hunting right now. Both of our kiddos are struggling with that and do every year around this time…typical children might be worried Dad is going to get hurt or an accident will happen and just a sadness of missing him.

But instead, both of my kiddos are stuck with this automatic fear that he will not return and even stated to our therapist “What if he doesn’t want to live here anymore?”. Insert my own heart breaking. Insert imagining what it’s like to be a 2 year old waking up in the morning, searching for a parent who is not there and lashing out at his 8 year old sister who is charged with being his caretaker…..insert tears and grief and Daddy creating voicemails assuring him he loves our home and him and will be returning so he can listen to it over and over when he needs reassurance.

So with some of that, we decided to “stay home” quite a lot this summer. We watched lots of Netflix, enjoyed our new air conditioned home, and hunkered down together. I am sooooo ready for the new school year and soooooo excited for my new volleyball team, which gets me up and out of bed in the morning and makes these thorns hurt a little bit less which I am grateful for.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words through some of our “hard” this summer…..we appreciate your love and understanding and encouragement through it all over the years.