Tag Archives: foster system

On the “transition” away from us

Posted on by

I struggled with what to call the experience of WonderGIRL moving out of our house unexpectedly this last summer – although many writers talk about it as a transition (when your teen moves out or goes to college) defined as “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another”….that just didn’t fit this particular experience.

Our experience was much less of a process and ongoing period but a jump off a cliff into the anxiety-ridden unknown. And as we move forward, I am going to write about this experience just from my point of view and not sharing a lot of details about her or her choices during this time – and the reason I’m writing about it at all is to practice my own form of self-care and survival and my own processing of disenfranchised grief that happened during this time.

At the end of July, WG decided she was ready for adulthood outside of our home. While I am sure she was fully convinced she had the skills necessary to do so at the time, I knew a different story but had no control one way or the other. In Brene Brown’s newest book (must-read BTW), she writes, “as it turns out, being able to see what’s coming doesn’t make it any less painful when it arrives.” Because the thing is, we PREPARED for this transition. We were talking about her adulthood with her therapist starting at the age of 16! We purchased a house to transition into a downstairs apartment for her. We had countless conversations spelling out (and acting out awkwardly) every hard thing she might encounter and how her emotions might react to front load her body’s reaction. We provided all the safety and the protection and the structure that all the books said we should.

The only picture I have of us during this time period. We saw each other less than 5 times in 5 months.

And I’m pretty sure the hurt and the grief was the same amount as folks that literally didn’t even see the cliff looming ahead. After she left, we tried to set up regular meeting times – they all fell through. After she left, I tried to text and remind her of our unconditional love – they weren’t returned. After she left, I checked my phone obsessively just for a sign that she was still alive or hadn’t ended up at the ER for suicidal thoughts. I felt twinges of hope when she sounded lucid and genuine and then waves of despair when I encountered the shell of a daughter I had raised for the last 7 years.

I truly felt like a failure – I did all the things that I knew how to do from countless trainings on the effects of trauma. I did all the things I thought I should do as a foster/adoptive mama. I advocated for her in all the ways I knew how to – and it still ended like this and her choices were that of any other kiddo aging out of foster care (I’ll share those devastating stats below) – so what was all the heartache, the criminal trial, the social workers, the allegations, the painful moments even for?!?!

This feeling (not her or her actions, just MY bodily response) sent me into a state of depression for quite a few months this Summer/Fall. People even reached out to me with typical requests to share my blog or talk to their friends about adopting or taking in teens with trauma and I told them I was the wrong person to ask – I would have told them to run the other way!!!!

I went to work and to volleyball and sometimes thought of nothing else besides returning to my bed and Netflix the second I could. I found small pockets of joy (especially during volleyball) that kept me going but was having a hard time. I found this image while scrolling social media and it resonated with me for that time period – like I’m going to work and outwardly showing signs of flourishing, but definitely ALSO in a period of depression.

And just in case someone you know is in a similar state, I thought I would share a little section titled “What helped me during this time period?”
– my husband and WB understanding my grief and letting me be
– check ins with our therapist
– vocalizing my struggle to my colleagues and my volleyball team
– adjusting my goals of movement and self-care to accurate standards (work out 1/week vs everyday for example)
– texts that just say “checking in” without any judgement if I don’t respond
– being clear with my boundaries (“I don’t want anyone to come in my room tonight”, “I can’t go to that family thing – you need to go without me.”)

Although WG didn’t technically age out while “in the system”, any history of foster care and a trauma-brain can contribute to these outcomes.

Again, I am writing about this experience just to process it for myself but also to highlight a journey that I don’t see revealed in many other places. Having a struggling adult child with mental health issues is SO ISOLATING – you care about their privacy and dignity with their own story and can’t share the same as with a little child, yet folks really don’t know how to help or what to say even if you do share. So you spare them that experience and say nothing…..

As I am still smack-dab in the middle of this transition, other things I’d like to document here:
– what I learned (about myself, about young adults with her background, about our system)
– the impact on my marriage

On FCAM

Posted on by

This month is Foster Care Awareness Month. I am partipcating in an Instagram challenge to share different pieces of our story each day. Some of it is hard to capture in words…..partly because it hurts to remember some of it and because I want to be mindful that my children are out there and on social media – sharing their story without their consent is always a hard balance. So I will try to just share my side and my personal experiences……
⁣
? ??? ???????? ?? ????????.⁣
Way more content on trauma, attachment and responding to behaviors needs to be added. As well as secondary trauma and caring for yourself as foster parents. Even for ongoing training hours, all you have to do is watch a movie and give evidence of what you learned. ⁣
⁣
? ??? ?????? ??? ??? ???? ???????? ?? ??? ???????? ?? ????. ⁣
The system has….how much the children cost, the caseload overload of the case worker, reunification requirements of the bio family, checking off due dates for paperwork in mind, and the interest of the children in mind. ⁣
⁣
? ?? ???? ?? ??? ???? ?? “???? ???? ????”.⁣
THAT IS THE POINT. It will be too hard to have that be the reason to not offer a safe home to kiddos in desperate need. The time they spend with us is nothing but planting seeds, watering and tending to the soil, and crossing fingers/hoping there is a bountiful harvest. ⁣
⁣
? ??? ?????? ?? ???? ?????????/supported/funded. ⁣
The system is chaotic. There are no checks and balances, just the subjective opinions of case workers and supervisors. The policies are loosely followed and when asked about them, you as the foster parent will be labeled as “difficult” for questioning their process/motives.
⁣
? ??? ???????? ??? ?? ????? ?? ???? ???. ⁣
Nothing about a foster child’s experience is lucky. They are experiencing grief and have trauma stuck inside their bodies like a toxic poison that refuses to leave. Depending on the age of the kiddo, this trauma comes out in a myriad of ways….most of the time in ways that no one would describe as lucky. ⁣
⁣
? ??? ???? ???? ?? ????. ⁣
Most of them had “love”….as far as they felt it. All they actually need is: safety, boundaries, advocate for healing, consent over their world, a transition support plan after they turn 18…..⁣
⁣
Some of these experiences are just due to unfortunate circumstances in our particular story, others seem universal from talking to others and some are just my opinions formed from experiencing it as a professional trained in childhood trauma and mental health. It can be better….but without highlighting the dysfunction and addressing the complete lack of pay/support for the organization….I continue to be sad for all children placed in and experiencing “the system”. Many foster parents become “one and done” never usually due to the child, but the complete unfairness of loving:caring for the child within the system. ?⁣
⁣
Thanks for reading/listening!!! And per usual as a foster parent, I should say: all of this dysfunction is worth it for the child…..because the outcome of not even trying is so incredibly worse. And YOU may be lucky and get the diamond in the rough caseworker that makes it all worth it for YOU (@rachelbowlden). ⁣

On the story of US – 7 years later

Posted on by

This year I’ve encountered some new friends and colleagues that don’t know much about our family’s history – and I love sharing some of the monumental peaks and valleys woven throughout our now 7 years together (today is our “live-a-versary” as we have termed it….we love adding holidays to celebrate into the mix).

In honor of this day, I thought I would try to collect the different stories I have written here on this blog together in one spot, just in case anyone is interested in taking a look back….click the blue links to read more about each milestone!

1. The first few days

The first picture we took together – Valentine’s Day dinner at Red Robin. Team Brave Dinosaurs was named here. Their little scared faces break my heart.

2. Bio family’s termination of rights

3. The proposal

New forever names, same forever team!!!

4. Adoption day

5. Moving to Ferndale

6. The first cat

A snowy walk from last year around this same time!

Thanks for showing up, reading a bit, and supporting our family through the ups and downs of it all….we love you!

Praise for the system

Posted on by

First of all, I apologize that my blog posts have been scarce this past month. With volleyball, school, and Scott’s hunting season upon us, life has been so very full and priorities have to be set appropriately!

One exciting adventure of the past two weeks has been the movement towards finalization of adopting our two favorite little Wonders! We signed our official petition to the court (even WonderGIRL got to sign her official signature on the paperwork) and today, we filled out our final paperwork to go forward with a court date. While we are excited, our kiddos are conflicted and that struggle is hard on all of us. So today, I thought I would point out a few things about the state’s support during this transition that I am impressed with and want to publicize, since many of my points about the system on my blog haven’t been the most positive.

When many families decide to adopt a child, adopting out of the foster system is not often the most enticing situation. The gamble of what special needs and trauma-induced behaviors the child can have, the older ages, and the unknown and complicated dynamics of visits and a continued relationship with the biological family are all huge factors that push many away. Not to mention the big “dealbreaker”…..that many feel they cannot take the heartache of the children being returned back to their family or moved to a different home (to which I reply…..but isn’t the heartache of a child that needs a loving home while in transition so much more important).

But after all of that, the state tries to do what it can to make sure that adoptive families and foster children are fully supported after their legal adoption. especially when the children have special needs (which most foster children would be considered with their trauma background). We continue to get coverage for our Wonders’ supervision costs, damage to property costs, and other out-of-pocket expenses that they might accrue. And although we definitely didn’t start this journey or continued it with any costs/financial support in mind as a dealbreaker, it definitely feels comforting knowing their needs will always be met and supplemented by the state that has tried hard to protect them.

Next step?? Courtroom parties, real parties, and two new last names – we can’t wait!

TBD and “the system”

Posted on by

There is a lot of talk in the foster world about “the system” which seems to include the state department, legal system, CPS, and all agencies that supports (term used loosely) the most vulnerable children in our communities/state. From my experience and in talking to other families, it seems as though dealing with the system is much more discouraging than some of the hardships that come with caring for the children and their various traumas. People reply to my complaints with “ya…the system” or “I’m sorry it’s just the system” or my favorite “the system just doesn’t work that way.”

One of the biggest emotional roller coasters for us has been the timeline with our wonders and moving things along – not for our benefit as silly impatient adults, but for two little ones who long to be a permanent piece in someone’s family puzzle. We want things to move along for them, their healing, and their future mental health. It is hard when one person promises us a termination trial in October, then to get a phone call the next week saying it has been, in fact, set for February. 5 months probably seems like such a short time in their legal world, but for a 13 and 7 year old child, this time just feels like a gamble – more time for things to change or for stability to be ripped away.

So that’s where we sit. Here, in the middle of no-man’s land where we dream of making these children our own forever, but in reality, we have no power over their lives. When one or both are struggling and the voice inside my head (both professionally and emotionally) know that one judge’s decision could significantly change that struggle for the better, I find it hard to find the reason and logic behind waiting so long. So I turn to this little inter-space to make sense of it all….why do we get all of the responsibilities, but none of the power? All of the appointments, and the documenting, and the medicine, and the late night tantrums yet our say means little in front of the court? It reminds me of this sage quote from one much wiser than I. ? Many commented on my last post about the irony/magic of Team Brave Dinosaurs’ acronym being TBD (God thing #439 in our story) because our little family is in a lot of different ways, to be determined…..and these frustrations really speak to that being true. 

Many people know that documenting gratitude is one of the most monumental ways we can shift our negative thinking into positive thinking. And since we know our thoughts control our feelings (or did you know that? Well now you do) – I want to intentionally shift my thinking so my heart and emotions come right along with it. The SYSTEM is the reason we have WG and WB in our lives in the first place. The SYSTEM listened to reports that they were in danger and removed them from harm’s way. The SYSTEM saved them. The SYSTEM made us parents and trusted two rookies with a very important job. The SYSTEM helped create our family and for that, I am grateful and shall remain that way for the months/years/endless moments to come before a judge gifts Team Brave Dinosaurs with a promise of forever. And if when those thoughts fail to take root in my brain, I will just love them fiercely and rely on forces more powerful than us to take charge.IMG_0847