Tag Archives: divorce

On my life update FAQ’s –

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I have been in a functional freeze state about oh-so-many things in my life as of late….this blog being one of them. Blogging and writing has been such a coping strategy for me for so long and I’ve had a block keeping me from doing so…..BUT I want to reclaim things that bring me joy and help me sort through the absolute chaos in my heart and mind as of late. To round up the last 6 or so months since I published this post, I thought I would do a few frequently asked questions that come up often from folks (not that I mind you asking – but it’s hard to answer some hard ones over and over ya know?).

Are you still coaching?
Nope. The pain from the loss of my job at Ferndale is still deep and fresh and I’m not ready for the high school coaching scene again (maybe not ever around here). I love coaching and developing younger players and am definitely open to private trainings and younger club coaching opportunities. I do plan on going into more detail at some point about this on the blog but can’t until some other processes play out so stay tuned.

Why did you leave Ferndale (Schools)?
I love love loved my role as school counselor and counseling leader in Ferndale (especially our counseling team – the absolute BEST in all the land). The tides changed dramatically with new leadership (which is completely normal and I accept that) and I no longer could align my professional values and needs with the agendas playing out there, especially in regards to hiring/firing practices. As a school counselor, there are a LOT of game-time decisions made about very important children and families in our buildings and in 16 years in the profession, I was NEVER anxious about whether or not administration would support me and those decisions until recently. I couldn’t let that affect my mental health but more importantly, I knew I wouldn’t be able to provide the best services I could for students and families with that pressure and anxiety hanging over my program. I do want to say with 100% certainty, there are AMAZING staff members throughout Ferndale School District – I miss so many of them, especially watching their brilliance and care for little ones play out each and every day in buildings throughout this community I care very much about.

What are you doing these days for work?
I am in my self-employed, entrepreneur ERA! As some of you know, I have dreamed of owning a business focused on supporting children and families with trauma for multiple years. It was close to fruition in 2020 before Covid and some other life events happened that created necessity to stay in my role at Ferndale.

Rooted WELL is the name of my wee little company – I help educators and families create safe spaces for children with needs that are not well supported in the existing public school system. This can include professional development and trainings, but I also have individual clients I get to see on a regular basis to support the work as well. This Spring, I was afforded the amazing opportunity to be an adjunct professor for the school counseling graduate program at WWU which re-ignited my passion for supporting new school counselors with resources, training, and burn-out prevention support.

Coming soon – presenting at a national virtual conference, a new website, online course for new school counselors, and whatever else my busy busy brain dreams up! Yes, I also still make money from tik tok and even help a few other clients do the same so that’s a fun little side gig along the way.

Are you and Scott staying together?
No. We are talking and co-parenting and are making it work for the sake of our kiddos, but our romantic relationship has come to an end. It is my hope (and I know his too) that we can forge a new relationship moving forward with foundations of respect, trust and genuine care for each other but some individual healing, forgiveness and growth needs to happen first.

We still hang out, go to events together, and can be around each other – so if you see us out, it’s not weird but it’s also not a date (so come talk to us but don’t be awkward). I think that covers all the bases of what folks might want/need to know. There is a lot of information out in public about us but also a lot behind the scenes very much impacting my decisions so thank you to those of you reaching out and supporting us BOTH through this tough time.

How are the kids?
The Wonders have unique backgrounds that make a family rupture like the one we are experiencing difficult. We are supporting both of them and overall, they are handling it with respect, open communication and an an amazing amount of grace. It has highlighted those things that I love about both of them (and hopefully those are seeds we have been planting and tending to in the 10 years we’ve been honored to parent them).

Do you plan on moving?
I think so? The small town of Ferndale is one of the loves of my life and a piece of my identity I value dearly. However, because of the coaching/professional stuff that went down and the betrayal trauma occurring nearby as well, it’s been a bit of an emotional minefield to live and interact with folks here. WonderBOY wants to finish his HS career here so one of us will have to stay but I would say it is very likely I will not be a Ferndale-for-life kinda gal like I originally envisioned for myself.

How are you handling all of this?
I have THE BEST network of people around me to help me handle things. So some days are good and I am smiling and other days, I’m frozen in bed watching seasons upon seasons of my emotional support shows (what are they you ask? Gilmore Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, Sex and the City, Hart of Dixie and The Challenge). Throughout the past 9 months there have been times that my mind is strong and stable, yet my body has not been. And at other times, it’s the exact opposite which has been difficult for a number of reasons with multiple triggers of some past hurts and struggles.

What can I do to help?
Feel free to refer to this blog post I wrote about this very topic. This summer, I am very much grieving some “typical” summer trips I have done in the past…i would love walks and invites to enjoy the summer sun in the PNW with you. AND some days, I have to say no and take care of myself alone in my depression nest and I so appreciate all my peeps understanding that!

Thank you for reading all of this. I am a pretty open book so catch me in person or give me a call if you’d like to connect!!! And a cute little photo reward for all this reading –>

A core group of my support network the past 9 months. I would NOT have gotten through some very dark days and nights without these fine folks (and a handful of others not pictured here).

Swiftie Soundtrack (June edition)

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Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.

LOML
Who’s gonna stop us from waltzing
Back into rekindled flames?
If we know the steps anyway
We embroidered the memories
Of the time I was away
Stitching, “We were just kids, babe”
I said, “I don’t mind, it takes time”
I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed
I felt aglow like this
Never before and never since

If you know it in one glimpse, it’s legendary
You and I go from one kiss to gettin married
Still alive, killing time at the cemetery
Never quite buried
In your suit and tie, in the nick of time
You lowdown boy, you stand up guy
Holy Ghost, you told me I’m
The love of your life

You said I’m the love of your life
About a million times

Who’s gonna tell me the truth
When you blew in with the winds of fate
And told me I reformed you
When your impressionist paintings of Heaven
Turned out to be fakes
Well, you took me to hell, too
And all at once, the ink bleeds
A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme
But I felt a hole like this
Never before, and ever since

If you know it in one glimpse
It’s legendary
What we thought was for all time
Was momentary
Still alive, killing time at the cemetery
Never quite buried
You cinephile in black and white
All those plot twists and dynamite
Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry
You said I’m the love of your life

You talked me under the table
Talking rings and talking cradles
I wish I could un-recall
How we almost had it all
Dancing phantoms on the terrace
Are they second-hand embarrassed
That I can’t get out of bed?
Cause something counterfeit’s dead
It was legendary
It was momentary
It was unnecessary
Should’ve let it stay buried

Oh, what a valiant roar
What a bland goodbye
The coward claimed he was a lion
I’m combing through the braids of lies
“I’ll never leave” …
“Never mind”
Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire
Your arson’s match your somber eyes
And I’ll still see it until I die
You’re the loss of my life

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Previous monthly songs:
July – Long Live
August – Cruel Summer
September – It’s Time to Go
October – Illicit Affairs
November – Should’ve Said No
December – You’re Losing Me
January – Happiness
February – White Horse
March – Death by a Thousand Cuts
April – Better Man
May – Marjorie and So Long, London

Swiftie Soundtrack (May edition)

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Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date. This month, we shall list two songs which makes sense based on how many hours I have spent listening to the newest (double) album.

Marjorie
Never be so kind, you forget to be clever
Never be so clever, you forget to be kind

And if I didn’t know better
I’d think you were talking to me now
If I didn’t know better
I’d think you were still around
What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, you’re alive in my head
What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, so alive

Never be so polite, you forget your power
Never wield such power, you forget to be polite

And if I didn’t know better
I’d think you were listening to me now
If I didn’t know better
I’d think you were still around
What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, you’re alive in my head
What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, so alive

The autumn chill that wakes me up
You loved the amber skies so much
Long limbs and frozen swims
You’d always go past where our feet could touch
And I complained the whole way there
The car ride back and up the stairs
I should’ve asked you questions
I should’ve asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me
Should’ve kept every grocery store receipt
‘Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams
And how you left them all to me

What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, you’re alive in my head
What died didn’t stay dead
What died didn’t stay dead
You’re alive, so alive
And if I didn’t know better
I’d think you were singing to me now
If I didn’t know better
I’d think you were still around
I know better
But I still feel you all around
I know better
But you’re still around

So Long, London
I saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist
I kept calm and carried the weight of the rift
Pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away
My spine split from carrying us up the hill
Wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill
I stopped trying to make him laugh
Stopped trying to drill the safe
Thinkin, how much sad did you think I had
Did you think I had in me?
Oh, the tragedy …

So long, London
You’ll find someone …

I didn’t opt in to be your odd man out
I founded the club she’s heard great things about
I left all I knew, you left me at the house by the Heath
I stopped CPR, after all it’s no use
The spirit was gone, we would never come to
And I’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free

For so long, London
Stitches undone
Two graves, one gun
I’ll find someone …

And you say I abandoned the ship
But I was going down with it
My white knuckle dying grip
Holding tight to your quiet resentment and
My friends said it isn’t right to be scared
Every day of a love affair
Every breath feels like rarest air
When you’re not sure if he wants to be there
So how much sad did you think I had,
Did you think I had in me?
How much tragedy?
Just how low did you think I’d go?
Before I’d self-implode
Before I’d have to go be free

You swore that you loved me but where were the clues?
I died on the altar waiting for the proof
You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days
And I’m just getting color back into my face
I’m just mad as hell cause I loved this place

For so long, London
Had a good run
A moment of warm sun
But I’m not the one
So long, London
Stitches undone
Two graves, one gun
You’ll find someone …

Screenshot

Previous monthly songs:
July – Long Live
August – Cruel Summer
September – It’s Time to Go
October – Illicit Affairs
November – Should’ve Said No
December – You’re Losing Me
January – Happiness
February – White Horse
March – Death by a Thousand Cuts
April – Better Man

Swiftie Soundtrack (April edition)

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Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.

Better Man
I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin’ a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

I wish it wasn’t 4 a.m., standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it
I know the bravest thing I ever did was run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
But I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it was always on your terms
I waited on every careless word
Hoping they might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning

But your jealousy, oh, I can hear it now
Talking down to me like I’ll always be around
Push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun
Oh, you never thought I’d run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
But I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

I hold onto this pride because, these days, it’s all I have
And I gave to you my best, and we both know you can’t say that

I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man
Yeah, yeah

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
But I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

We might still be in love, if you were a better man
(But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man) yeah, yeah

I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

We might still be in love, if you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man

Previous monthly songs:
July – Long Live
August – Cruel Summer
September – It’s Time to Go
October – Illicit Affairs
November – Should’ve Said No
December – You’re Losing Me
January – Happiness
February – White Horse
March – Death by a Thousand Cuts

3/40 On a professional learning moment

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When I was in grad school, my parents, who had been married for 25+ years were going through what I would consider to be a messy divorce. And learning about how to support children with family changes as a school counselor and then living it as an adult child out of the home was particularly difficult for me.

I had a hard time managing my own boundaries with supporting my family and their needs…..plus finding the energy to put forth effort into my graduate studies and assignments.

When having a 1-on-1 discussion with one of my professors at the time, who I respect very much, she told me that in the future as a professional, “there will always be crises and pressures outside of work that are going to affect your emotions. You have to find a way to cope and manage those so you can show up to work and do what’s best for students.”

I was only 24 at the time….and I remember being super bitter at this professor for saying this. I felt like she was dismissing my pain. Not realizing the impact of my family falling apart…..and telling me that I needed to “buck up and be tougher.”

But NOW, 15 years under my best as a school counselor…..8 years as a mom to kiddos with significant trauma needs….and just life in general – WOW I realize her words are so incredibly true. Life, as an adult with a family, is just a constant rotation of joyous moments and heartbreaks. Life, as an elementary school counselor has the same roller coaster feel most days. You don’t turn off the “mom” hat when going to work. And it’s hard to turn off the “educator” heart when driving home for the day.

I feel that one of my strengths I’ve developed over the years is my own emotional BOUNDARIES – I can be incredibly upset about something happening at home AND show up with joy and compassion at school for my students. I had a student intern ask me how I developed this…..and it just came with time. And a large toolbox of coping strategies (mindfulness, daily movement, support network, alone time, cognitive self-talk and reminders of my worth) that I rely on daily.

With that being said, compassion fatigue and burn-out are HARSH realities for educators….and I have felt those at times throughout my career. But I also think there are skills and habits we can learn that help us move through those times and keep on keeping on…..with a little help from our friends and role models of course.

This image really struck out to me as being helpful when navigating this constant push towards “work-life balance”:

Working on my wellbeing is always something I can improve on…..lowering my standards of what this looks like and maintaining daily habits is incredibly important to me. Side hustle commercial break: Our wellness community is doing a fun little online event focusing on these habits – if you’re interested in this class (and some oily freebies from me!) – click here to register.

Although I had a negative reaction at the time, her words are still very important to me as I reflect on showing up for both my school and home family in the healthiest way I can……and just like Mr. Larson in my first story, I appreciate a mentor’s willingness to say something hard and be faced with potential conflict, knowing it might push the receiver to a healthier and greater place as a result.