Tag Archives: adoption

Praise for the system

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First of all, I apologize that my blog posts have been scarce this past month. With volleyball, school, and Scott’s hunting season upon us, life has been so very full and priorities have to be set appropriately!

One exciting adventure of the past two weeks has been the movement towards finalization of adopting our two favorite little Wonders! We signed our official petition to the court (even WonderGIRL got to sign her official signature on the paperwork) and today, we filled out our final paperwork to go forward with a court date. While we are excited, our kiddos are conflicted and that struggle is hard on all of us. So today, I thought I would point out a few things about the state’s support during this transition that I am impressed with and want to publicize, since many of my points about the system on my blog haven’t been the most positive.

When many families decide to adopt a child, adopting out of the foster system is not often the most enticing situation. The gamble of what special needs and trauma-induced behaviors the child can have, the older ages, and the unknown and complicated dynamics of visits and a continued relationship with the biological family are all huge factors that push many away. Not to mention the big “dealbreaker”…..that many feel they cannot take the heartache of the children being returned back to their family or moved to a different home (to which I reply…..but isn’t the heartache of a child that needs a loving home while in transition so much more important).

But after all of that, the state tries to do what it can to make sure that adoptive families and foster children are fully supported after their legal adoption. especially when the children have special needs (which most foster children would be considered with their trauma background). We continue to get coverage for our Wonders’ supervision costs, damage to property costs, and other out-of-pocket expenses that they might accrue. And although we definitely didn’t start this journey or continued it with any costs/financial support in mind as a dealbreaker, it definitely feels comforting knowing their needs will always be met and supplemented by the state that has tried hard to protect them.

Next step?? Courtroom parties, real parties, and two new last names – we can’t wait!

Grieving from the inside out…

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Do these faces look like kids who are grieving????? (especially in that cutie patootie trailer they are posing in?)

Oftentimes, when people get to meet our little wonders, there are comments about how happy they are, well-behaved, polite, lucky to have us, etc. etc. And while those comments are probably true at that specific point in time (WB and WG do their best work in public), there is definitely some grieving going on right now. Evidence – tandem tantrums from the two of them a few nights back in the Target aisles after playing “spy” and hiding from me and then getting lost in the grocery section quickly thereafter – only strangers got to witness that fun adventure. Their grief comes out behind closed doors with us who are now their circle of safety and security. With legal adoption on the horizon (within months!!!), one might guess/assume that the one thing they’ve been begging social workers for since we got them 2 1/2 years ago would be creating some comfort or relief. But in contrast, it has really confused them and they are grieving what I would call “the life that could have/should have” been.

WonderGIRL is still resolving some conflicts around forgiveness and her trauma. Thus, her behavior has been extra defiant and manipulative as of late. We are trying to set boundaries and give appropriate consequences balanced with compassion and then my heart breaks when I hear her ask “Will this make you not want to adopt me?” She messes up and then the guilt from that catapults into so many other conflicting emotions – poor thing.

WonderBOY has always had hard feelings around his birthday and his birth story. The past couple of weeks, bed time has brought about many tears with statements like “I wish I had been born from your tummy” and “I want a re-do of everything that happened to me”. On one day he might be so excited to “be adopted and have a party” and then other days, he truly questions whether or not this is what he wants. We take all of his words and his thoughts at face value and try to provide the reassurance that he needs. Luckily, his self-regulation has gotten to a good point where he can actually talk about his feelings without violence or aggression (thank you counseling!!!!!).

I am writing this post just to reflect and process this point of the journey, not to make any comparisons or seek out sympathy for what we’re going through. Obviously, Scott and I are extremely excited we get to move forward with our family in a legal sense and I hope in some years, we can look back at this point in time and acknowledge how far the kids are going to come with their emotions and behaviors. While grief about their past will not do a disappearing act the day our adoption goes through, we are hopeful that a true “permanent” decision will provide some calm in their hearts and minds.

One little word for 2016

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Choosing a guiding word for your year is a concept that I have bought into with varying intensity over the years. In 2013 I chose rooted, thinking this would be the year we start the adoption process.  One artifact from that particular year was a vision board I made as a result from participating in this workshop by Ali Edwards:

I love looking back at this vision board about my word because the following year in February is when my purpose and “mom’s life” begun so the board really did have a huge amount of meaning. I also feel that being purposeful and mindful about what being “rooted” would mean to us as a couple led to some hard work and counseling that set us up to even be able to start the roller coaster of our foster journey the following year.

In 2014, my word was connect which eh, didn’t impact me a whole lot. I didn’t set a word for my 2015 but in hindsight, I should have chosen survival. Hard year, lots of lessons, coming out stronger because of it.

This year, I am choosing the word together. I consider myself to be a strong and independent person and love conquering things on my own. Although I consider these to be positive characteristics, it sometimes means that I have a hard time asking/receiving help and relying on others (insert Scott nodding emphatically here). This year, I hope to embrace the help and the cooperation with others and yes, even embrace relying on others to get what I need and/or want. I want my word to not only be an adjective that describes my marriage and my family, but I want it to be a living, breathing action that I put effort into on a regular basis.

Together with my husband, I want to grow our marriage and focus on what WE need, not just what our children need on a daily basis. I want to work on who I am as a wife and a partner, so it will help us be together and live together peacefully and joyfully.

As most Mamas can attest to, time away from the house and the family to connect with other females can be the most healing thing we do with our free minutes. This year, I want to focus on intentionally setting up dates with my ladies and together, we can fill up our tanks and be the best wives, mamas, human beings we can be.

Coming up in February, we have an important court date where the outcome COULD be that our wonders are legally free. I won’t get to be part of the court proceedings as I will be testifying at some point during the trial. Being okay with not being in the courtroom as the single most important decision is being argued and facts presented is going to be extremely hard for me. I have to trust that our team of social workers, lawyers, GAL’s and commissioner will all work together and put the needs of our little wonders truly at the center of the proceedings. I have to rely on others to fight for our forever and this week will prove to be one of the biggest tests to my faith I have encountered so far in my 33 years of life.

As a follow-up to those court proceedings, my greatest wish is that we get to work towards finally being a forever family (in the legal sense). Our case getting turned over to adoption would mean being together as parents and kiddos for the rest of our lives – and there is no greater together than that.

The foundation to all of this will be me knowing that I cannot alone do this life. I will rely on my faith and my belief in a God that has a plan for me, my marriage, and my future family. Together in my faith journey, I want to surrender my control through prayer, some meditation, and quiet time to invite in His plan and His grace.

And just because this last portion of the post was so serious, I love this sweet little robot rendition of “Together”, a childhood classic. What’s your word for 2016? Leave it in the comments below because we all know putting it in writing (okay into cyberspace) makes it all happen magically and just as you planned…..yep. Just like that.