Tag Archives: adoption

31/40 – on our adoption day

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I get to share my birthday week with another lovely celebration – a day when we got to forever welcome WonderBOY and WonderGIRL into our family forever and ever. There was a lot of emotions that went into the build up to this day and lot of grief that is inherently mixed up in adoption. But for us as parents, it was ultimately a public affirmation that we were doing the right thing. And a relief that the life of these two little ones wouldn’t be hanging in the balance between chaos and care any longer.

You can read more about the details of this day and see more pics here.

This year (October 18th) marks 7 years as a forever family!!!

#11-#16/40 – on the beginning of our forever family

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Alright so yes this is cheating. I am going to link a blog post I did a while back documenting some pivotal moments in the forming of our family with our little (at the time) Wonders. But if I’m nothing else at almost 40 years old, I am efficient and always looking for a way to get things done faster.

On the story of us – 7 years later

A collection of inspiring quotes and my fave inspirational photo of my two little ones.

On the newest members of Team HB

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These two little guys were rescued from a no-good, ugly situation (thank you Rescue Pet Vet) and since our family is pretty good at accepting and loving on siblings from no-good, ugly situations….we couldn’t pick just one and separate them. ?⁣⁣

Introducing Hamilton and Hallford – our Wonders’ first last names and part of what makes M and T so special and so strong. We wanted to honor that piece of their world as well as their first Mom Maria Hallford who passed away earlier this year. ⁣⁣

And yes we now have 4 cats. And yes I’m a crazy cat lady. And yes they’re going camping with us. I think that covers all the questions….

Scott adds: “And yes I was as surprised as you are.” (hehe he was on shift – we went for one, came home with 2!)

Mother’s Day surprises

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Truth be told, I never really look forward to Mother’s Day. Internally, I can be so incredibly grateful for this role that I own and for the children that I get to take care of but every year for our family, it’s so freaking hard and complicated. Tensions are high and patience is short and it never works out the way each individual thinks it’s supposed to.

This year, we were one week out from having to disclose to our Wonders that their first mother had passed away. That they would be robbed of a chance they both wanted to see her again and ask her questions. That a piece of their story that loved them into existence had vanished without any closure.

And so I was worried. Worried that the grief and confusion of that event would stifle their ability to be joyous with me and appreciate their second mama.

Here is where the surprise came in….if you peruse the following images….

A dinner comprised of cheese and crackers (and no fighting or blood please) at the lake – mission accomplished.
Our day began and ended in the same way thanks to the brilliant sunshine that day – snuggles and chats in the little nest I’ve established on our deck.

What do you see? What I felt on that day and the days since has been what I am now calling my Wonders being “untethered.” They are no longer stuck in loyalty between two worlds. No longer feeling guilt if they love me more or wondering if their first mom loves them still. The tug-of-war has been (tragically) ended. And even I, a trained professional in this field, was blown away by how transparent this all was playing out right in front of me. Their mannerisms, their words, and their hugs just felt different and overwhelmingly deeper this year than in days past.

Since they have learned for their first mama’s death, WonderGIRL has been 143% more affectionate and kind toward me (see sweet letter above). The day after we told WonderBOY about the death, he started spontaneously claiming over and over again “you’re the bestest of the bestest of the mamas in the world” and hasn’t stopped since.

Typically as mamas, we don’t like surprises (or is it just me?). We like predictability and control and felt safety. But this surprise has been a good one and I wanted to document this day into history and perhaps adapt my own narrative about Mother’s Day in years to come.

Summer thorns

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Summer can be a hard time for our crew….this summer brought a few extra transitions that were tough as well.

While we look super happy and loving in the above picture at our camping site pool, we are also sadly grieving that in this picture there is only 4 members of Team Hoelzle Brown. Our sweet BraveGIRL decided to move back with her biological sister and legal guardian (reuniting her also with her twin sister) a few days before this camping trip. We are happy for her but ultimately, do not agree its in her best interest to move back and really wish we could still guide and influence her life for a bit longer. We poured our hearts and time and love into her and hope and pray the two years of lessons, struggles and character improvements will last her into her adulthood.

This grief is tough because it’s unresolved. There is no ending, but a lot of wondering and questions and mixed feelings that will last for a while. It’s been tough for our littles, especially WonderBOY as he misses her deeply. Seeing her empty room filled with cats instead of clothes on the floor is hard each day. And yes, we still communicate with her and will continue to be in her life as long as she lets us. We got an enthusiastic call on her first day at her new high school excited about the year ahead, so I continue to be hopeful for her. We love her and have high hopes for her future and I trust that she knows that deep down inside and will always remember that.

If nothing else, this experience is stretching and preparing our hearts to foster other little ones as they move back and forth between their biological families and ours, navigating that deep love and deep grief with each new placement.

Each summer, we dive deep and hard into the waters of our kiddos’ traumas, doubling down on therapy when we have enough time and space to process and endure the resulting emotions and behaviors afterward. In particular, we are exploring the “why” of some of WB and WG’s triggers and behaviors…..listening to them unpack their childhood is excruciating to sit and listen to. I can’t imagine enduring that they had to which leads to deep sadness. But I also become overwhelmingly angry that I couldn’t protect them….that I don’t have a time machine to go back and take away the hurts and the deep wounds that I am now accepting might never change or be healed.

For instance, Scott/Daddy/my hubs is away hunting right now. Both of our kiddos are struggling with that and do every year around this time…typical children might be worried Dad is going to get hurt or an accident will happen and just a sadness of missing him.

But instead, both of my kiddos are stuck with this automatic fear that he will not return and even stated to our therapist “What if he doesn’t want to live here anymore?”. Insert my own heart breaking. Insert imagining what it’s like to be a 2 year old waking up in the morning, searching for a parent who is not there and lashing out at his 8 year old sister who is charged with being his caretaker…..insert tears and grief and Daddy creating voicemails assuring him he loves our home and him and will be returning so he can listen to it over and over when he needs reassurance.

So with some of that, we decided to “stay home” quite a lot this summer. We watched lots of Netflix, enjoyed our new air conditioned home, and hunkered down together. I am sooooo ready for the new school year and soooooo excited for my new volleyball team, which gets me up and out of bed in the morning and makes these thorns hurt a little bit less which I am grateful for.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words through some of our “hard” this summer…..we appreciate your love and understanding and encouragement through it all over the years.

On being the nurturing enemy….

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These words. A title for a role I am still working to understand. A role I’m not sure I want on the worst of days. And a role that was gifted to me, I accepted and now am working to grow into…..one day, one trigger, one kiddo at a time. We are battling big time with love and trust with our WonderGirl…..at this teenage crossroads, will she lean in or push us away? Let us protect her or forge out on her own?

In many ways, we are parenting a 3 year old. Someone who knows we are the mom and dad and knows we are safe but still needs to test the boundaries of their independence and new skills. How far away can I stray and those people over there will still be there when I return? And then you add in hormones, same-age peer comparisons and a complete lack of working memory…..and our battles can be exhausting.

So when I come across an article that literally makes me have my own fight, flight or freeze response with complete acknowledgement of all my insides….I just felt compelled to share. For other trauma mamas of course and for our tribes to get some perspective….not for pity but just for grace and understanding. Which is all we really want anyway…..

The most realistic quote I have come across in my years of the foster/adopt world:
“In many ways, the primary caregiver who steps in to parent, raise, and care for a child whose trust has been previously broken is often approached as the nurturing enemy. I have no words to describe how devastating and utterly depressing this reality is. It’s a mixture of hopeless and helpless, with an extra-large side of carnal frustration and a daily sprinkling a Divine Grace that is only ever enough to help you persevere through whatever current challenge is before you.”

Read the full article here.

My sweet WG is amazing in so many ways and I don’t want to take that away from her. She is loving, nurturing to others, a bundle of joy, and the list goes on and on. Many who meet her probably are baffled at my stories based on her behavior in public and social settings. And I am okay with the sometimes divergent path of this parenting journey with her…..it’s part of what we were called to do. And it’s also extremely helpful when others understand the struggle and come alongside us as we set boundaries for her and place expectations and restraints that might be against what THEY view as her needs or us being too harsh to a “normal teenage girl.”

And to all the other “nurturing enemies” reading this, I see you, I feel you, I know we stay in and isolate ourselves to of protection……so please come over for a glass of wine or coffee (or both) sometime. Swear words, slammed doors, and the potential of violence may be an added bonus to your beverage but so will empathy, compassion, and a whole lot of connection too.

 

Disney Cruise highlights

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So much fun to share – it may take many blog posts to fully do this magical trip justice. Also, I realized on the ship the beautiful irony of us being aboard the Disney WONDER celebrating the adoption of our two littles I chose to call my “Wonders” here on the blog almost 4 years ago. ❤️ Here are a few highlights:

1. The room – I was so impressed with the room…. super comfy beds, fairly spacious bathrooms (one for toilet, one for shower, both with sinks and mirrors), and plenty of storage space for clothes and toys. Since my kiddos needed down time each day we did spend a fair amount of time in ours and especially loved the non-stop choices of Disney movies and shows on our tv. 2. The dining experience – it’s really not enough to just say the food. Although the food was soooo delicious, the ambiance in each of the three themed restaurants coupled with a waiting staff that stayed with us every night was awesome. Our sweet waiter Sean from Ireland had Shirley temples with extra cherries waiting for Tre each night and Alvito brought me every single dessert to try even when I tried to say I only wanted one. Our favorite restaurant was Tiana’s place set out of New Orleans – it felt like Mardi Gras. In one of the restaurants, our drawings came alive in real animation alongside Disney characters! How cool is that?!?3. What to do, what to do – Disney really has the activities thing nailed down on these cruises. So many choices all throughout the day and night – it was hard to choose each morning how to schedule our days! Both WG and WB absolutely loved their own spaces and the activities for them (and meeting new friends from all over there). Everything was seamlessly scheduled and organized that it could be relaxing and busy all at the same time! We loved watching movies both in the fancy movie theatre (Coco and Last Jedi) and on the Jumbotron at the kids pool/deck. 4. Bahamas beach time – as many of you know, WB loves the sand so spending an entire day in Nassau was quite a treat. Unlimited coconut drink for Mama, water and sand time for the kiddos! 5. Characters and shows – at Disneyland the lines for meeting characters are so long, it’s hard to justify missing out on rides for the autographs and pics. On board, there are multiple meet and greets every day AND the characters interact in the kids club all day alongside the kiddos so those long lines aren’t even necessary. I loved how the characters changed outfits according to the daily themes (pirate, Christmas sweaters, beach day). The broadway level shows in the theatre were also amazing – it even snowed inside during Frozen!If you are thinking of a family cruise, you must consider one of these Disney options – soooooo worth the money for the quality of the cruise (rooms, programming, food) but also for the magical memories of doing all of these things together. Talking about the kiddos club activities each night was my favorite part of the day! And plus, there was lots of time for adult time in our private pool and area along with adult only programs and bars (4 different adult bars on board!) while the kids are away enjoying every moment. (this is us on Christmas Day watching the NFL game in our private booth with our own TV, beers and snacks)

And I almost forgot – they always have professional photographers on hand to capture these moments. Since we have never gotten official family photos done (and we don’t get dressed up all that often) – I loved this option and can now use some of the images for New Years cards since Christmas cards didn’t happen this year. Thanks for making your way through that novel. Happy New Year to you and hope to “Sea”? ya in 2018!!!

One year as Team Hoelzle Brown…

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As many adoptive families know, family celebrations carry this dual impact of excitable joy and uncontrollable grief. The tension of those two things fighting for space in our Wonders’ heads and hearts this week has been and continues to be huge.

But tonight, I lay here grateful that they said yes. Grateful the system worked to protect these two. And grateful for the coming forever years we get to continue loving them, protecting their bodies and hearts, and walking alongside them in their grief. If new here, click here to read our adoption day story.At dinner tonight, I was brought ice cream with a candle for my own birthday and as I blew it out, WonderGIRL said “I’m guessing you had nothing to wish for since you told me all your wishes came true when you adopted us.” And while that is true – my wishes are now only multiplied into bigger wishes for how WG and WB  and all other brave kiddos we love on will get to grow and thrive in their future.

I also want to make a plug that there are bunches of kids in this county (I get an email daily telling me the desperate need) who are wishing on every candle and every star for a loving family that will step into the gap and take a chance on vulnerable littles (and even more vulnerable teens!). Follow your heart….ask questions….get involved. Saying yes, if just in your heart for now, is the first step.

On our adoption day

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I know it’s been a whole week and a bit since our adoption and I’ve been planning to do a re-cap on this blog, but it seems so HUUUUGGEEEE and lovely as an event, that it’s hard to put my feelings into words…..thus I just let the feelings sit in my heart and “marinate” as I like to say. So I will just add a few pictures from the day with a few words and go from there…..perhaps my processing will grow in the future and I can look back and journal more thoughts.

Opening the box from our wedding that included our vows, notes from our parents, and a special bottle of wine was a fun way to start off the night before the adoption. The kiddos were involved and were so excited that we had prayed and thought about adding them to our lives before we had even met them. The night before was hard hard hard…..the kiddos were extremely overwhelmed with such a huge event looming and WonderBOY sobbed with big man tears in my arms for about 20 minutes before being soothed to bed with a promise that he would feel better once it all got taken care of. A combination of leaving their past behind them and mistrust that it’s all too good to be true are common feelings when kiddos get adopted out of the foster system.

A special day should always include two things: new fresh outfits and oversized balloons. This mantra has influenced most celebrations I am involved with….including my wedding where balloons were one of the major costs of the whole day. Here we are trying to get everything in line for a picture (and away from those hot lights in the court hallway).

Judge U. is the same judge that we had for the criminal trial against the Wonders’ biological father so both him and this courtroom had many mixed feelings for all of us that were involved in that trying process. But on THIS DAY, he graced us with this gift of a forever family and he delivered that gift with kindness, gentleness and joy (breaking out the Thor gavel just for WB) and for that, we are so grateful.

Check out this tribe of amazing people below that have been such a big part of the creation and continued support of our family. All grandparents got to be present (including the Wonders’ biological grandmother and grandfather) and our team from the legal side of this process (social workers, lawyers, and guardians).

This lady right here was the kiddos’ first social worker and the one that really had to make the HARDEST decisions for them and for their family. The only tears from the day came when I got to hug her and thank her for everything she had to do and endure to keep these children in our care. She is not even a current social worker with DCFS and made a special trip and day off from her job to come celebrate with our family. We love her so much!!!

Even though the rain was falling throughout the whole morning, right after our court appointment was finished and pictures were taken….the amazing Fall sunshine came out! I love this shot of the trees behind us during this season that is all about change and transition….trees shedding their past leaves and getting ready to begin new growth and prepare for a brand new season of life….just like Team Brave Dinosaurs!

After our picture session was up to my liking (thank you Stori and Elke for your patience and understanding of my extremely rigid expectations), we enjoyed a yummy lunch at Scotty Browns and then some Menchies right after (shocking I’m sure)!!! What a lovely time talking through the morning and answering very sweet questions from the kiddos. Hearing WB call Scott “Daddy” over and over melted my heart time and time again. Since their biological father was a main source of stress and fear for both kiddos, they have always been at different levels of comfort with using this label for him. Hearing these words out of both of their mouths is a tangible sign that their hearts are healing.

Thank you again for all of your amazing kind words, cards, and special celebrations for our little family. We are so blessed to have you in our lives and I know that one of the special parts of joining our family for WB and WG is all of the extra people that have graced them with love, patience and true acceptance along the way.

On the proposal

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Children in the foster system have a million and one decisions made FOR them and TO them. One common character trait of MOST foster children include a need to control their environment….which of course comes from their complete lack of control in their past and their previous families. Knowing this, we wanted to make sure that our older wonders knew that our pending adoption was as much under their control as it was the state’s and ours.

Therefore, we decided to propose to them similar to a marriage proposal. We wanted them to know we respected them enough to truly give them the choice. But even more, we wanted them to know without doubt that we CHOSE them to be our forever son and daughter and that we are HONORED they would even want to be part of our beautiful mess of a family in the first place. The video is too long to post so here is a link to it on youtube: TBD Adoption Proposal. Enjoy!

Although this video is very sentimental and beautiful, it includes so much of the reality of our family….braces malfunctions, nervous outbursts of behavior and avoidance, and most of all, the love and laughter we get to all share together on a daily basis.

Many people have asked if the video meant that our adoption was final….and no, we haven’t had our official court proceeding yet but we already have a judge assigned to us and are awaiting some available times so it’s coming soon soon soon!

Thank you to all who have left messages and comments of love and support to our little family – it means a lot to all of us and I’m glad our video brought a little joy to your lives during a weekend and events in Burlington that left us all saddened and grieving.