Alright so yes this is cheating. I am going to link a blog post I did a while back documenting some pivotal moments in the forming of our family with our little (at the time) Wonders. But if I’m nothing else at almost 40 years old, I am efficient and always looking for a way to get things done faster.
On the story of us – 7 years later
Mother’s Day is complicated for so many folks…for our family, it’s been a bit of a historical minefield of triggers, memories, and confusing feelings. Click here for a post I did about this confusion a few years back. I love images like the one below that get posted on social media to recognize both the beauty and the pain that is Mother’s Day.
Last year, for Mother’s Day, I requested a solo weekend in our trailer as a weekend to breathe, rest, have no motherly duties or motherly guilt for not doing the duties….and it was EVERYTHING. An important moment in my life to reinforce that hard work, whether professional, physical or emotional….has to be counterbalanced with REST. I recalled that weekend at many stressful moments during this past year, reminding myself to take time to rest and fill up my own cup from within and from a place of stillness and quiet.
I am excited to repeat this excursion again this coming weekend at one of our favorite campgrounds….and the timing couldn’t be any better for my chaos filled brain, heart, and body.
So, if you’re still reading, here is your daily dose of encouragement to take the time, get away, shut your door, go fo that walk….and do what you need to in asking for what you need. And a cute pic of me with my Wonders after a delicious Mother’s Day breakfast (followed by an equally delicious 2 hour nap at home).
A lovely friend (thank you Anna) gave me some amazing ideas for specific moments in my life she was curious about. I work well off of a list to check off (enneagram 3 coming in hot here) so let the fun begin….
It was March 2010 and I was coming off of a breakup…my HSLP Elke had agreed to a mission trip to Haiti and asked if I would come along. I needed a little something extra fulfilling in my life at that moment and said yes!
One funny moment happened at the planning meeting before the trip – I showed up in all my Ferndale volleyball gear coming straight from practice and met Scott for the first time. After the fact, he shared that he was 100% convinced I was a high schooler at that point in time (we were hanging with our fave high schooler Julia so that made sense).
Once to Haiti, we ended up having beds next to each other in the church building on site at the orphanage. This meant lots of exhausted moments trying to escape the heat and children crawling all over our laps while said rest was trying to happen.
A lot of time was spent falling in love with the children there and being safe spaces for them to get love and nurturing from.
At this trip, we had a conversation about our intentions to adopt children as the primary way to build our future families and I remember thinking that I had never heard someone else (let alone a male at that time with my circle of peeps) feel the same way I did. Also, on this trip, I got to sit next to Scott on the flight home as he had literal panic attacks from his fear of flying…..I kept him busy with aggressive bantering and tales of Haitian babies to keep him occupied.
A week later, he texted Elke to ensure his odd of a “yes” from me was in his future. We drank too much wine at Scotty Browns on our first date as we spent hours talking about our trip. And the rest is history!!!
A year later, we were fortunate enough to take a return trip to the same orphanage together. Oh did our favorite little Haitian crew (and Julia of course) love that we were dating.
So all of this culminated in my all-time favorite picture of me and my husband atop a Haitian hill at sunset with our little loves playing with garbage and loving us. This picture serves as a quick dopamine boost whenever I need to remember our story, our collective purpose, and the beautiful start of the broken road that led us to each other .
Over this last week, I’ve been following along on social media as a handful of my friends have been exploring various Disney parks with their families and friends. Naturally, it has me reflecting on both my childhood trips and taking our kiddos there years back as well.
What I remember from my childhood trips to Disney have very little to do with the rides or the food or the magic of it all – but really about the funny family moments that happen in between all of those other bigger adventures. Obviously, my parents took us WAY before fast passes were a thing so standing in line with my parents and 3 brothers (one older and two way younger than me – just babies it seemed) took up hours and hours of these trips. We often bring these moments up about my younger brothers being incredibly entertaining to us in line by singing songs (usually atop my older brother’s shoulders) and cracking jokes to all that would listen. It is really a shame that we don’t have pics and videos from this time saved for all of time on social media (their current wives and partners are probably sick of our stories and would love to see it in real time).
Other vivid memories I have from my childhood trips:
– character breakfast
– the Disney waterpark (Blizzard Beach I want to say?)
– exploring Epcot on my own with my brother (we were teens) as my parents let us be on our own for a bit….and me really thinking I was hot stuff making eye contact with other teen boys doing the same thing
– visiting different countries at Epcot (we didn’t travel a whole lot so this was eye opening for me and loved seeing bite sized cultures in this way)
– eating at the Germany Oktoberfest spot (all the pretzels please)
Memories I don’t have but am thankful for:
– my parents (Mom mostly I’m sure) planning for, saving money for and taking 4 crazy kids on a road trip, Disney adventure
– getting up early and then closing the park down so the magic never ends
– Mom master planning the schedule so we didn’t miss the parades and the good stuff
So I suppose the moral of this story is…..THANK YOU MOM for your sacrifices in making these trips happen – I appreciate all of that so much more now that I’m a parent. HEY DISNEY PARENTS – it’s not all about the sites and the rides but the in between moments that mean the most….try to stay calm and enjoy those too without stressing about getting to the next thing, micromanaging your kiddos’ moods and getting the perfect photos (PS this is also a pep talk to myself on every family vacation).
Stay tuned just in case I track down photos from my childhood trips (then my bros should really be scared)…..hehe.
As a human that fell in love with a man with complex PTSD and a handful of elementary school children with similar struggles (before we begun our fostering journey), there was a period of time when I felt super frustrated with what was available to me and them as far as resources. When I am faced with a situation I don’t understand, I want to learn more and research and dive into the topic.
But at the time (over 10 years ago), there was not a lot available as far as reading, internet groups, documentaries, etc. on this topic. And I knew in my gut that there had to be more out there and different ways of doing things, healing, shifting the education system to better support folks that have experienced childhood trauma.
Enter this book:
This book really helped me understand the role of traumatic experiences living inside our bodies and playing out in physical responses (versus being just a brain/thought process that was affected). And although I had graduated with my masters in counseling, the spectrum of other services and resources that actually showed greater healing potential than just talk therapy outlined in this book really opened my eyes.
Reading this book motivated me to look further into other modalities of healing for both my husband and my students (and for my future mama self, my foster children). Unfortunately, some of the only recommendations offered to folks (especially children) who have experienced trauma is medication and talk therapy. And although sometimes those do help address the symptoms, there are so many other options out there that I wish would be promoted as options as well. These include things like yoga, mindfulness, EMDR, psychedelic interventions, and specific trauma informed types of therapy.
Later, this book was a catalyst in me advocating for my WonderGIRL as her parade of counselors provided by the state were just not doing anything for her or for us. I dove into attachment therapy and really felt like it was what she needed. It led us to our current therapist who is still treating WG and I am the MOST grateful we found her and she agreed to walk alongside our family during some of our toughest years.
Since I read this, I have also found other books that have really helped me become more trauma-informed and invested both at work and in my family. If you are interested in some of these reads, here is a link to my recommended reading list.
Many people don’t know this, but prior to receiving the head coaching gig at FHS, I had firm plans to move down to Vancouver, Washington to start my counseling career down there. Chelsey’s impact on my life and the love and family feel of my hometown during this time changed my mind and my course forever…..and for that and to her, I am so incredibly grateful.
April 2018
An excerpt from this blog post talking about a former player of mine, Chelsey Rae Ebert, who suffered and died from terminal cancer her sophomore year of high school (my first year as head volleyball coach at FHS).
This experience (her illness, being in community with her, being asked to speak at her funeral, etc.) still is one of the largest motivators I have to continue coaching 17 years later. Each year before our Fall season, I spend some quiet time at her gravesite to set intentions and remember that the relationships I build and foster each season far outweighs our record, our successes or any trophy.
My grandmother has said some very wise words to me throughout my 39 years on this earth so her quotes may show up more than once here in my 40 moments/lessons list.
Today’s lesson is something she said to me a while back (I don’t even remember the context) but I have thought about it multiple times since she said it and repeat it back to folks often.
She said to me (when I must have been talking about a realization that I was getting older) “you always view yourself from the inside as if you were 21.”
And I find it so true!!! That’s why it’s so shocking when you throw your back out….or the grey hairs show up….or you realize the entire Super Bowl half time show is to make “the older generation” happy.
To commemorate these wise words, a few photos from my 21st year without many cares in the world and before I learned a whole lot of hard life lessons (comments such as “you look exactly the same” and “wow I can’t believe that was 20 years ago” strongly encouraged).
Recently, I have been getting feedback from others like “wow you are so self-aware” or “that’s great that you can recognize that” when sharing about my personal life. And while I appreciated the comments, I started to wonder where this seemingly elevated sense of self-awareness might have come from – part of my role as a school counselor is to help build and encourage this awareness and I love any research having to do with this topic so why not examine my own?
I have always felt connected to my inner thoughts so I’m guessing the natural urge to become a counselor developed from that. But living alone in my 20’s after the start of my career is where I can pinpoint starting a loving and kind relationship with myself….learning how I work best, rest best, restore my strength when I need to….ON MY OWN with no other crutches or people there to rely on for this work (although let’s be honest I was with my HSLP Elke 90% of this time anyway). This experience was a lesson that I still reflect on when navigating my own stress levels and emotional world.
As an extrovert and highly social person, many people told me I would hate living alone….but I truly LOVED it. I still love alone time to this day…..restorative moments in my room with the door closed or a weekend away in my trailer are activities that I now work into my schedule intentionally to keep myself whole and happy.
When I’m talking to young adults, I try and encourage them to try living on their own for a bit, knowing the beauty and self-compassion that can come from focusing on nothing but one’s own self.
Have you ever lived on your own? What did you discover? Or….how do you create this same experience if you’re always living with others (alone time built in, morning routines, etc.?) I would love to hear!
When I was in grad school, my parents, who had been married for 25+ years were going through what I would consider to be a messy divorce. And learning about how to support children with family changes as a school counselor and then living it as an adult child out of the home was particularly difficult for me.
I had a hard time managing my own boundaries with supporting my family and their needs…..plus finding the energy to put forth effort into my graduate studies and assignments.
When having a 1-on-1 discussion with one of my professors at the time, who I respect very much, she told me that in the future as a professional, “there will always be crises and pressures outside of work that are going to affect your emotions. You have to find a way to cope and manage those so you can show up to work and do what’s best for students.”
I was only 24 at the time….and I remember being super bitter at this professor for saying this. I felt like she was dismissing my pain. Not realizing the impact of my family falling apart…..and telling me that I needed to “buck up and be tougher.”
But NOW, 15 years under my best as a school counselor…..8 years as a mom to kiddos with significant trauma needs….and just life in general – WOW I realize her words are so incredibly true. Life, as an adult with a family, is just a constant rotation of joyous moments and heartbreaks. Life, as an elementary school counselor has the same roller coaster feel most days. You don’t turn off the “mom” hat when going to work. And it’s hard to turn off the “educator” heart when driving home for the day.
I feel that one of my strengths I’ve developed over the years is my own emotional BOUNDARIES – I can be incredibly upset about something happening at home AND show up with joy and compassion at school for my students. I had a student intern ask me how I developed this…..and it just came with time. And a large toolbox of coping strategies (mindfulness, daily movement, support network, alone time, cognitive self-talk and reminders of my worth) that I rely on daily.
With that being said, compassion fatigue and burn-out are HARSH realities for educators….and I have felt those at times throughout my career. But I also think there are skills and habits we can learn that help us move through those times and keep on keeping on…..with a little help from our friends and role models of course.
This image really struck out to me as being helpful when navigating this constant push towards “work-life balance”:
Working on my wellbeing is always something I can improve on…..lowering my standards of what this looks like and maintaining daily habits is incredibly important to me. Side hustle commercial break: Our wellness community is doing a fun little online event focusing on these habits – if you’re interested in this class (and some oily freebies from me!) – click here to register.
Although I had a negative reaction at the time, her words are still very important to me as I reflect on showing up for both my school and home family in the healthiest way I can……and just like Mr. Larson in my first story, I appreciate a mentor’s willingness to say something hard and be faced with potential conflict, knowing it might push the receiver to a healthier and greater place as a result.
When I asked my husband what he thought some of my moments would be for this series, his answers were typical life milestones (“our wedding, getting the kids, 3rd in state for volleyball”) and must to his surprise, none of those were actually on my list.
While I love a good milestone and celebration (especially if there is a reason for obnoxiously large balloons) – I am hoping to capture smaller moments that might not register to others outside of my circle when they occur.
One such moment in my volleyball career includes a team that did not place at the state tournament. It was the first year we won the district championship and some of our lessons and training in selflessness and teamwork that this story will highlight may have very well contributed to that success.
This particular season, we had a player on our team that was truly the light and joy of our squad. Not your “typical” athlete or volleyball player and without volleyball, some of my players probably never would have met this player or been friends with her (not because of negative qualities, just different circles and high school interests). But her uniqueness, humor and personality was something to be remembered.
At a team bonding event before matches began, around a campfire, players were sharing their goals and hopes for the season. This particular player went a different route then her teammates, not sharing any performance or post-season goals, but that her particular goal was to continue growing relationships with her teammates because “it was the first time she ever felt like she belonged.” (yes I was teary).
Fast forward a month later…..I get a ton of excited texts on a Thursday morning from what seemed like my entire team. This very same player was VOTED HOMECOMING QUEEN for the entire high school. Dressed all fancy and paraded in front of the school during the school-wide assembly with the pride of a champion. And her teammates, equally proud could barely contain their excitement both that morning and at practice that day. Turns out, the entire team rallied as her campaign committee to share her light and her importance to their classmates and got the school to recognize someone that might have flown under the radar otherwise.
Although it’s a small story, it’s a story about the importance of a team. The value of athletics and extra-curricular opportunities for kids in school. The importance of teaching character as a coach. How, in our program, we value everyone’s unique role and contribution to the greater good and accept folks for who they are, not just how they help us win. I don’t know all the specifics and behind the scenes work that this took. And that’s part of why this moment stands out to me – I had nothing to do with the idea or the orchestration of the campaign and the outcome. I, along with my newly crowned Queen, just got to live in the magic of others’ kindness…..beautiful thing.