As most of you are aware, I’m a pretty strict volleyball coach (out of love and competitiveness of course). Once practice starts, players are only allowed to talk about volleyball and we stay pretty focused on what we need to do during the two hour block of time we get to grow our skills physically and mentally.
And then at other times, outside of the gym, I get to know these players on a much deeper level. I hear about their interests, their life dreams and goals, questions and wonderings about our world, and of course some romantic relationship problems come up from time to time.
As a mom and educator, I really value these “in between” times of being a coach. We spend a lot of time driving in these cozy vans and other hours at all of our teammates’ houses (thank you by the way!!!) for team dinner once a week. I hope their families appreciate other caring adults speaking encouragement and life lessons to their children and I hope the players at some point in their adult life, think back to some of these conversations as critical points in an important decision or problem solving situation they will ultimately face after their career as an athlete in high school is over.
Yesterday during our van ride home, players were asking me about foster care and my experiences and per usual the comment came up, “I can’t imagine being that attached to the kids and then they leave your family.” To which I replied very genuinely, becoming attached to other humans and then letting them go is a CENTRAL part of the human experience that everyone experiences. I become deeply attached to both my players and my students for a few years at a time, and then we let them go to a new chapter and new adults to attach to. I cherish watching them from afar on their social medias or updates from their parents and I hold my pride for them always for what they gave to our volleyball program when they were at FHS.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned as I get older and have moments of attachment is to APPRECIATE the moments right there, in the present, while they are happening knowing this break in attachment will come someday. So full circle –> this conversation happened last night in our van ride home, which made me appreciate those sometimes very long van rides after a very long day of volleyball to which I can now include in my 40 moments blog adventure! Love it when that happens…..
It’s been a long time figuring out my personal fitness journey as an adult. Because of some history with my status as an athlete and disordered eating/exercising, figuring out the balance was difficult.
There was a time in my adult life that I went about 6 months without a single day of intentional exercise and obviously I know this is not healthy for me and my stress levels. I am not a good “gym-goer” – I don’t like being around others when working out due to my competitive and comparison-prone nature. I also can’t have goals like weight loss or size of clothes because of that being such a slippery slope into some past habits.
Enter the Peloton – I had been seeing them pop in friends’ homes and social media feeds and was instantly intrigued. After watching from afar, we made the purchase and really haven’t looked back since. You can read my thoughts on this here and here. And although I do love the short, yet tough workouts and the inspiring, engaging instructors, I also just love being in a room by myself and getting this attainable goal done when needed.
I also love a “distraction” method of working out where I can put on my favorite emotional support Netflix series and walk for an hour at a time on the tread. I set up my laptop, hit “resume show” and get a ton done (most of my 40 moments were written while walking). This formula has helped me hit some huge minute milestones on my Peloton and has helped me with my yearly goal of 20 minutes of movement each day.
Shown here in the dark – during school/volleyball, many of my walks are taking place after the sun goes down.Love a good visual tracker!
With 6 aunts and uncles and a ton of cousins around, our family gatherings at Grampa and Gramma’s house were filled with lots of noise, laughter, cousin wrestling and other shenanigans that I have fond memories of. They had a large house that I viewed as a mansion at a time and the bottom floor was where cousins got to hang out quite a bit to watch tv and play.
In the corner of this bottom floor was my Grandma’s book collection, which included this set of “The Bobbsey Twins” chapter books. When just me and my brother were visiting (and he wouldn’t let me change the tv from anything but wrestling), I was enamored with these books and was a voracious reader. But more than the content, I loved the feel of the old bindings and the fragile pages beneath my fingers.
Once my grandparents moved out of that house, I was fortunate enough to inherit this book collection. They now are displayed prominently in my own home with other treasured stories like my scrapbooks, our wedding memory box and other meaningful artifacts.
And even though my children didn’t catch this love of reading to enjoy these books, the display in my home brings me comfort and joy. It also serves as an inspiration for what I hope to emulate in family gatherings like my grandparents did as my children get older and eventually start bringing new generations of kiddos into my home to feel the same love and joy I got growing up.
From the moment I can remember being a kid, I was both competitive and involved in some type of athletics. Until I became too tall, it was gymnastics. Until everyone (myself included) realized I couldn’t catch or throw a ball, it was softball. From middle school on, I was on all the teams. Volleyball, basketball and track (field to be specific) were the final three that lasted through high school.
My identity was very much wrapped up in this athletic life….practice and game schedules, the friends I hung out with, what clothes I wore….all of it really stemmed from what sport I was playing at the time. Although I wasn’t a star by any means, I did find success in specific sports and really appreciated the leadership potential my coaches saw in me.
This success led to recruitment from WSU to join the rowing team. Being a D1 athlete was both a privilege (my favorite perk: laundry service!) and a hardship. I felt a lot of pressure to perform and rise above my teammates without any prior experience at the actual sport….and I also wasn’t all that great, which was a hard pill for me to swallow at the time.
Some images of my time on the WSU novice crew team.
After choosing not to continue my crew career and focusing on a job (and let’s be honest, my social life) my sophomore year, I started to struggle. Without the scheduling boundaries, a coach to guide and mentor me, and my body/emotions resetting after going 200% for years – I started to struggle with extreme body dysmorphia and developed an eating disorder that took its toll both physically and emotionally. For me, this looked like restricted dieting and way too many hours exercising at our rec center on campus (even to the point of me going 3 times per day for 1-2 hours at a time).
Eventually, I was able to find a balance for myself but knowing what I know now as a professional, I was definitely experiencing what is now known as post-athlete depression. My struggles with self-worth and my body would continue for years, but ultimately made better by maturity, my own control over exercise and dieting, and my supportive social network.
My own experiences have helped me prepare my own senior athletes for this very transition – many of my players get to go on and play college volleyball. But for others, high school is where their status of “athlete” ends. I encourage them to prepare for that transition mindfully. To think about what body movement brings them joy. To create a schedule that feels good to them and surround themselves with others who love and support them, no matter what they look like, what they eat or what kind of exercise routines they participate in. Just exposing them to the struggle of the transition is more than I had knowledge of at the time and I hope that this critical conversation can help them navigate it more healthier than I did.
To parents of teenage athletes, a few things to remember – 1. Their success in sports will be more tied to their emotional health than their physical health. Which one should you be checking in on more? 2. Let the coach coach. What they need from you is a protective and safe buffer that keeps out the pressure and the competition, not adding more on. 3. Monitor their eating, sleep, mental health closely – do you notice any changes? Extra workouts? Less food at dinner? Avoiding meal times altogether? 4. Talk to them about MORE than just sports…..what are their other interests and hobbies? What else can they do in their summer and free time besides training? Maybe you can do it together!!!
*My parents (and every single coach I had) were incredibly supportive of me as an athlete and did not necessarily do anything to put extra pressure on me – nor do I blame them for any of what I developed in college, as they tried to stay connected and I isolated what information they received. My pressure definitely came from myself and an unnecessary need to compare myself to others. But per usual, I like to use my hard stories for good and for prevention, so by sharing my story, I hope you can be more mindful with your own kiddos or athletes that you mentor.
Today, we celebrate 10 years of marriage and if you’ve been following along for any length of time, you know our marriage (like most) have had its share of roller coaster moments. I know that all marriages go through these – but with ours, some of those rockier moments came a bit earlier than to be expected due to a number of factors. Today I wanted to honor those 10 years with 5 moments that are memorable to me in big ways (but possibly are not the same magical moments you might expect one to document from a marriage).
Marriage moment #1 – your disclosure of your childhood abuse Technically this was before our marriage – in fact, it was probably within the first month of us dating which was so very brave of you after repressing your story for 27+ years up to this point. You told me what you had bravely survived and then you told me that you fully expected me to stand up, walk out and never speak to you again after hearing the disclosure. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.) How I did respond: “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. The only thing I need is that when you need help to work through it, you will get it.” And you have held strong to that commitment in every sense of the word…..not only seeking out the help you need but breaking down barriers and stigma for others in your line of profession and allowing me to share pieces of your journey here on the blog.
Marriage moment #2 – the day you said yes I told you that two students that had been removed from their home hadn’t returned to school and I was worried. I stalked the CPS worker and volunteered our home for the weekend as was only needed at the time. They needed an answer within the hour. I called you, explained the situation, and asked you to take two traumatized children you had never met into our home for a whirlwind weekend….you said said yes right away with the sweetest words, “whatever discomfort I might have in bringing them home does not compare with the fear they are feeling so yes let’s do it.” That weekend became months, those months became years, and the rest is history.
Marriage moment #3 – hitting rock bottom as a couple I haven’t shared much regarding the incredibly hard 2 years we’ve had navigating WonderGIRL’s transition to adulthood….but it has taken an extreme toll on all 3 of us remaining Team Hoelzle Brown members along with a toll on our marriage. Last Fall, it all came to a head with a gnarly argument where my voice was silenced and bad choices were made as far as communication with WG. But out of that darkness came some self-awareness from you that things needed to change. That the suggestions I was making to you like looking for other forms of trauma healing were needed like EMDR or psychedelic interventions. And while we navigated our relationship in silence and separate bedrooms for a while, you took your healing into your own hands. Relied on your own support network outside of me to keep you accountable and get you to Ketamine appointments. Switched counselors, knowing you were at a stalemate with your current one. You did the work and you are a much better man, father and husband because of it.
Marriage moment #4 – figuring out our biggest conflict In 2018 with both kiddos in school and activities along with our own pursuits, we realized that our biggest arguments came from scheduling and miscommunication about who/what/when in day to day life. At this point, we started having weekly scheduling meetings each Sunday night to go through our week and work things out ahead of time (Cozi, an online app, also helped with this). During this year, we also had a transformative discussion about our relationship values and I encourage other couples to do the same – it’s helped us prioritize some things like finances and schedules along with keeping us grounded together when distractions pull us away constantly. Read more about scheduling and our values in this blog post from 2018.
(HIS) Marriage moment #5 – learning I was right in 2021 *completely his words, not mine! This one is funny from his perspective because when we first got married, other veteran married couples would often offer advice to us as the newbies. 9 out of 10 spouses (usually husbands) would say that the secret to a happy marriage is to always say/assume/act as if “she is always right.” And you HATED that sentiment. You claimed that we didn’t follow other marital/gender norms so why should we follow that one. And while we don’t really use this mantra in our daily functioning, I do appreciate that you are more open to listening to me and my opinions on how things should go in regards to parenting, our mental health journeys, etc. I also think there is a lot to be said for our good communication skills and me growing in my ability to listen to YOU and trust some of your choices and opinions as well.
Thank you for being you and growing alongside me as a spouse and parent all these years. Also, a big thank you for sitting in the ER with me for 6+ hours yesterday and ruining our actual anniversary due to my strep throat contagious period. In sickness and in health….
More to come on our anniversary trip to Whistler (where I probably caught said strep throat) because it was AMAZING and I want to share all the places we found in case you want to travel there too someday.
WonderBOY has fully taken advantage of the Kids Bowl Free program this summer. And with the super cheap family pass option, so have Scott and I. He loves it so much he’ll even ride the bus or ride his bike down there to get his two free games in on his own.
As a teenager, I got to spend the same amount of hours at the bowling alley for a couple of different reasons. They did give out free games for report cards but also my father worked at the bowling alley, so I had lots of rides and lots of friends who wanted to bowl along with me (okay maybe not lots….just Joe, Kevin, and Paul really).
And just like I did then, I bring along my special ball with CHYNA engraved on it that I inherited from a bowler that passed away 20+ years ago when I got the remnants of her locker. Also, each trip usually means a side of fries (with tarter) and a trip to DQ afterward depending on what kind of wager we put on the games.
Mt. Baker Lanes hasn’t changed a whole lot…the same amazing friendly owners, good (actually delicious) food, and the nostalgic lanes bring back lots of happy memories for me. And I’m excited for it to hopefully be a happy memory for WB as well.
It all came down to this one little mini book, made out of literal trash and photos of me and my friends drinking the night before Thanksgiving. Talk about questionable young adult decisions, I really thought this would be the best “example” of my creativity when applying to Treasury of Memories, our local boutique scrapbooking store. Here is a video documenting the experience – and yes, I got the job which ultimately resulted in meeting my Heterosexual Life partner, Elke and a forever friendship that I hold incredibly dear to my heart.
Anyone that knows her (which to be honest is at least 82% of the entire Whatcom County population) knows about her infectious smile, giving heart and relentless pursuit of a good time, no matter how dull the current situation is. I am honored to walk alongside her through a whole lot of adult ups and downs and cheers to starting a new “prime” in our lives. At brunch yesterday, we talked about a question that I heard on my favorite podcast – what is the difference between “23 year old you” (when me and Elke met) and you now?
Our answers proved to be quite similar – looking inward for validation and the solutions to our problems, not others’ opinions or comparison to what others are doing. I would also add personally that something I have learned since being 23 and starting fresh in the professional world is that the many folks above your or “at the table” do not have it all figured out so trusting those systems or those folks in charge will not always result in a positive or healthy outcome, but with the right research, knowledge and values, trusting my inner guide toward the “right way” to do things can be trusted.
And because I made her dress up all sorts of extra for her birthday raincheck brunch (full of the most delicious mimosas – our fave), here’s a photo of us in our new prime….loving ourselves just as much as we love each other.
Happy happy birthday sweet friend!!! I love you so much!
I was 2 months into my first job as an elementary school counselor, fresh out of grad school. I had reported to CPS just a handful of times during my high school internship the year prior, but because of the age and agency of students, there was rarely any follow up.
So when I reported my first official CPS report on my own as a professional school counselor, I was a bit jaded with what would happen next. Much to my surprise, an investigator came within an hour of my report, did an extremely in depth interview, and then the following day, called me to follow up and let me know the child would be being placed into foster care that very afternoon. And knowing it made the child feel safe, asked me to go along with her as she met her new foster care placement. Although I want to spare the details of the abuse and the child, this experience was transformative in my life.
Being part of this little girl’s journey filled with both grief and attachment to me as her counselor would later inspire a few different things important to my career and life: – belief in the CPS system (although I later found this particular investigator was brand new, full of hope and that not all CPS workers think and act in the same comprehensive way as I detailed above) – passion for uncovering abuse disclosures in elementary school children and teaching my staff how to look for signs of potential abuse – a first hand look at the despair and grief that is a child being removed from their biological family, no matter the harm it was doing to them – her attachment to me as a safe person because I had believed her/helped her was communicated in her body language the day we took her to to her first placement and that will always stick with me
And 14 years later, “keeping kids safe” is one of the most sacred and rewarding parts of my job (and my family life as well).
This experience also was one of many in my school counseling career that confirmed I wanted to be a parent so incredibly badly, but wanted to do that through foster and adoption. In the same scrapbook as above, I listed my bucket list items at the time. I’m about half way through my list which seems fitting at this mid-point of my life.
I had a very privileged experience in my school journey and absolutely fell in love with school. The school supplies, the relationships with teachers, and yes even the actual learning excited me enough to want to work in that field for the rest of my life. However, there was a knowing inside of me that knew classroom teaching wasn’t the path….so I had to explore some other options. For my 18th “moment”, I thought I would highlight a few different moments where I knew what I wanted to pursue in my career.
With an interest in psychology and human behavior (although this wasn’t labeled for me until well into high school taking my first psych class – thank you Mr. Demorest), I began to explore options that combined school and psychology.
My senior year, I distinctly remember an experience where I was required to do a job shadow and I chose a school psychologist (literal combination of school and psychology – haha). And while I completely admire and value what school psychologists do….this experience showed me this was a career I was NOT interested in. That school psychologist (I wish I knew who it was) introduced me to school counseling and thought it might be more what I was looking for in the education field (working with a wide range of students, experiential learning, impact on emotions, preventing child abuse, etc.)….since I hadn’t had much experience with counselors up to that point, this was all new to me and I was excited to learn more. I’m not even sure if job shadows are still a thing…..but this particular experience was pivotal for me in deciding my future so I recommend seeking out these experiences prior to deciding on a college pathway personally.
In college at WSU (go cougs), I got the chance to work as an Orientation Counselor for their New Student Programs and FELL IN LOVE…..this experience of working with high school students, creating magical moments to increase their sense of belonging at the school and guiding their choices for academics, involvement, and more felt like home to me and I was excited to seek that out in my career. Our training was very extensive and included some principals of the Disney Way which has stuck with me throughout my professional and personal life.
And the rest is history really….I sought out experiences in my undergraduate career that would help prepare me for a graduate program in School Counseling, I applied to the best program around, and was the only student in my cohort straight out of undergrad. Two years later, I landed a leave replacement, then a permanent job and am currently obsessed with all things school counseling, 16 years later.
What I love most about being a school counselor: 1. No day is ever the same….I show up to work with a tentative plan and schedule, but then have to be flexible to the needs of students, staff, and families at any particular moment. This helps me feel a sense of urgency and value when I show up to work each morning.
2. I believe that school (especially elementary school) is a huge teacher of healthy RELATIONSHIPS….and reinforcing what a child already knows to be true about healthy caregiving OR rewriting harmful narratives about how caregivers act is very important to me.
3. I get to walk alongside teachers in teaching social emotional learning – all the other stuff besides content that creates healthy humans. Coping skills, responding to mistakes, getting along with others, etc are all skills that can be intentionally taught (and in my mind should be taught each and every day).
4. In my most recent years as a school counselor, I have really loved coaching parents as they navigate difficult situations like domestic violence, suicidal ideation, healing from trauma, adoption and attachment. This portion of the job used to intimidate me big time especially prior to becoming a parent, but I think the adults need as much support as youth in today’s world with so many pressures and threats to our mental health.
5. I get to PLAY every single day – when I come home from work, I can identify at least one (if not several) moments of joy from that day. Whether its me dominating at 4-square during recess or a laughable moment with a co-worker, my job really is full of fun. I also am an extremely extroverted human….so having relationships with so many folks, deepening those relationships, and being able to sing and dance with a microphone blasting music is a perfect combination for me! If schools are not a fun place to be, we are missing the mark and I appreciate my colleagues that feel the same!!!
I am so very grateful for all of the amazing staff and admin I have worked with as a school counselor that support me, my role and prioritize the importance of mental health work with students – unlike others in my field, I have never had an admin (Kevin, Cindy, Mischa, Joel if you’re reading this -thank you) that didn’t support school counseling and my crazy ideas 100% and that means so many students and families have been able to access supports desperately needed from the public school system.
As much of parenting children with extreme histories of trauma is, periods of doubt and questioning come up often. This is not unique to foster and adoptive parenting as I hear from a number of parents that raising whole and healthy humans is the toughest job around and no one hands us instruction manuals. But the variable here that is pertinent to raising others’ children is the lack of shared genetics, knowledge of histories and feelings of helplessness that comes from not knowing anything about what happened before they came into your world and changed it forever.
And sometimes the only comfort for that helplessness is sharing the misery and connecting with other trauma parents in the same boat. While I was sharing a particular update within the last 6 months that has been incredibly difficult for our family and for one of our Wonders with another adoptive parent, he said something that has stuck with me and given me hope during some very dark moments, weeks, and periods of questioning. He assured/reminded me of the fact that intergenerational trauma and the effects of trauma can be passed down through multiple generations. So our influence on their lives is not just meaningful if a positive outcome comes out of our efforts to that particular child….but the influence will persist into the very chemistry of their children, their grandchildren and on and on and on.
When we signed on to foster and eventually adopt, we wanted to steer the path of these vulnerable little ones toward a better outlook gifted to them through a series of horrific events and experiences. So thinking about it in this “long game” sense gave me some hope that our efforts weren’t wasted and hoping that just a slight break in these cycles would benefit our future grandchildren and beyond.
If you are parenting (or educating or caring for vulnerable children in any way), I see you and the hard work you are putting in. The sacrifices to your families and network of loved ones, to your health and the emotional safekeeping of all those around you. I encourage you to find some perspective in this knowledge and release some of the pressure you might be putting on yourself to save them (they are not broken) or to get a positive outcome (we are not in control of another human’s future, even though we try).
If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend the following read (not only if you are a foster/adopt parent but also if you know generations before you experienced specific or historical trauma) – it might shed some light on some mysteries surrounding you or your health.
