On “self-care” being weaponized against us

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As many of you know, I am a big encourager of self-care. Prioritizing your own basic needs of movement water, connection and rest ALONG with your other priorities. Since the pandemic has started, the pendulum has swung aggressively the other way, weaponizing self-care as “toxic positivity” and even oppressive in some circles (education included).

I think taking care of one’s self, both physically and emotionally shouldn’t need a label. And the fact that it does and we have to remind folks to attend to their own self IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. We have adapted to daily schedules in our society that are so busy, hectic and focused on performance, work and social status that individuals are forgetting that their body and brain need to be healthy enough to even do those things in the first place!

How I operationally define self-care is really just focusing on self-awareness leading to healthy habits. I stop long enough to see what my body, brain and heart needs during specific moments of the day….and then throughout my week and schedule, I actually and intentionally give my self those things.That’s it!

How do I focus on awareness? Stop, meditate, be still, turn off the podcast/music while driving, read personal development books, free write/blog, go to bed early so my mind can wander (and hopefully not turn into sleep-stealing anxiety), etc.

Without awareness, we don’t know what to self-regulate. Without an ability to self-regulate, many people then start to self-medicate (typically in harmful ways to our physical and mental health).

The other piece of self-care that I don’t think gets talked about often enough is setting and adapting your own personal standards of “success” or “good enough.” This is the truest form of love (as quoted in the image above) – being humble enough to shift your own standards of good enough so your actually are good (and healthy and whole and connected to folks that also love you).

One example of this is my goal with exercise this year – as a former athlete, I have some interesting habitual thoughts when it comes to “working out” and fitness. That post could be an entire novel on its own but some of my disordered thinking about exercise and movement has blocked my motivation to even want to do it at all. So this year, after coming to terms with some of that, I am LOWERING my standards of what I think daily exercise should/could/would look like for me. Instead, my goal each day is just 20 minutes of movement. Even if that movement doesn’t make me sweat, doesn’t burn enough calories, isn’t cutesy enough to post on social media, etc. And I have found that just the simple mindset shift of this has made me actually feel more accomplished (and consistent) that what I was expecting of myself previously.

So with that, I will just summarize with this – whatever self-care is to you, I hope you lean into it. I hope you MAKE time for your self this week, this month, this year….and I hope those moments reinforce the narrative that you are important and of value alongside everyone else you’re caring for. Healthy habits Tik Tok

I consider Tik Tok creativity my self-care on some days (okay all days).

4/40 On living alone…

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Recently, I have been getting feedback from others like “wow you are so self-aware” or “that’s great that you can recognize that” when sharing about my personal life. And while I appreciated the comments, I started to wonder where this seemingly elevated sense of self-awareness might have come from – part of my role as a school counselor is to help build and encourage this awareness and I love any research having to do with this topic so why not examine my own?

Some of you may recognize this wall art….

I have always felt connected to my inner thoughts so I’m guessing the natural urge to become a counselor developed from that. But living alone in my 20’s after the start of my career is where I can pinpoint starting a loving and kind relationship with myself….learning how I work best, rest best, restore my strength when I need to….ON MY OWN with no other crutches or people there to rely on for this work (although let’s be honest I was with my HSLP Elke 90% of this time anyway). This experience was a lesson that I still reflect on when navigating my own stress levels and emotional world.

As an extrovert and highly social person, many people told me I would hate living alone….but I truly LOVED it. I still love alone time to this day…..restorative moments in my room with the door closed or a weekend away in my trailer are activities that I now work into my schedule intentionally to keep myself whole and happy.

When I’m talking to young adults, I try and encourage them to try living on their own for a bit, knowing the beauty and self-compassion that can come from focusing on nothing but one’s own self.

Have you ever lived on your own? What did you discover? Or….how do you create this same experience if you’re always living with others (alone time built in, morning routines, etc.?) I would love to hear!

On the butterfly and her cocoon

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The new movie, Encanto, has the most beautiful soundtrack….I have loved reading about the meaning behind the songs that are sung entirely in Spanish. This one and its meaning struck me in a big way so I thought I would share the lyrics along with a picture of my current grief.

And as I was listening to this song during a Peloton ride, the instructor said, “the butterfly never holds on to the cocoon – no matter how long it kept it safe and warm.” Breathe in……let go…..accept what is…..repeat.

Dos Oruguitas
Two little caterpillars in love
They spend their nights and early mornings
Full of hunger
They keep walking and navigating a world
That changes and keeps changing
Navigating a world
That changes and keeps changing

Two little caterpillars stop the wind
As they hold each other with warmth and consent
They keep growing, but they don’t know when
To look for a corner shelter
The time keeps changing
They are inseperable
And the time keeps changing

Oh little caterpillars, don’t hold on each other anymore
You have to grow apart and come back
That’s the way forward
Miracles are coming, chrysalises are coming
You have to leave and build your own future

Oh little caterpillars, don’t hold on each other anymore
You have to grow apart and come back
That’s the way forward
Miracles are coming, chrysalises are coming
You have to leave and build your own future

Two little caterpillars feeling disoriented
In two cocoons all bundled up
With new dreams they’re already lacking
All you have to do is do what is necessary
In the world that keeps changing
Knocking down its walls

And then our miracle is coming
Our miracle
Our miracle
Our miracle

Oh, butterflies, don’t hold on each other anymore
You have to grow apart and come back
That’s the way forward

You are already finding miracles, breaking chrysalises
You have to fly, and you have to find
Your own future

Oh, butterflies, don’t hold on each other anymore
You have to grow apart and come back
That’s the way forward

You are already finding miracles, breaking chrysalises
You have to fly, and you have to find
Your own future

Oh, butterflies, don’t hold on each other anymore
You have to grow apart and come back
That’s the way forward

You are already finding miracles, breaking chrysalises
You have to fly, and you have to find
Your own future

3/40 On a professional learning moment

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When I was in grad school, my parents, who had been married for 25+ years were going through what I would consider to be a messy divorce. And learning about how to support children with family changes as a school counselor and then living it as an adult child out of the home was particularly difficult for me.

I had a hard time managing my own boundaries with supporting my family and their needs…..plus finding the energy to put forth effort into my graduate studies and assignments.

When having a 1-on-1 discussion with one of my professors at the time, who I respect very much, she told me that in the future as a professional, “there will always be crises and pressures outside of work that are going to affect your emotions. You have to find a way to cope and manage those so you can show up to work and do what’s best for students.”

I was only 24 at the time….and I remember being super bitter at this professor for saying this. I felt like she was dismissing my pain. Not realizing the impact of my family falling apart…..and telling me that I needed to “buck up and be tougher.”

But NOW, 15 years under my best as a school counselor…..8 years as a mom to kiddos with significant trauma needs….and just life in general – WOW I realize her words are so incredibly true. Life, as an adult with a family, is just a constant rotation of joyous moments and heartbreaks. Life, as an elementary school counselor has the same roller coaster feel most days. You don’t turn off the “mom” hat when going to work. And it’s hard to turn off the “educator” heart when driving home for the day.

I feel that one of my strengths I’ve developed over the years is my own emotional BOUNDARIES – I can be incredibly upset about something happening at home AND show up with joy and compassion at school for my students. I had a student intern ask me how I developed this…..and it just came with time. And a large toolbox of coping strategies (mindfulness, daily movement, support network, alone time, cognitive self-talk and reminders of my worth) that I rely on daily.

With that being said, compassion fatigue and burn-out are HARSH realities for educators….and I have felt those at times throughout my career. But I also think there are skills and habits we can learn that help us move through those times and keep on keeping on…..with a little help from our friends and role models of course.

This image really struck out to me as being helpful when navigating this constant push towards “work-life balance”:

Working on my wellbeing is always something I can improve on…..lowering my standards of what this looks like and maintaining daily habits is incredibly important to me. Side hustle commercial break: Our wellness community is doing a fun little online event focusing on these habits – if you’re interested in this class (and some oily freebies from me!) – click here to register.

Although I had a negative reaction at the time, her words are still very important to me as I reflect on showing up for both my school and home family in the healthiest way I can……and just like Mr. Larson in my first story, I appreciate a mentor’s willingness to say something hard and be faced with potential conflict, knowing it might push the receiver to a healthier and greater place as a result.

On dopamine boosts this January

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Throughout the past two years, as my family and I have been struggling through some ruptures and bouts with depression, I have come to rely on savoring small moments of joy or activities that give me a quick boost in the middle of days (or nights when I’m laying awake)! And per usual, if there’s not a pic or a blog post, did they even really exist in the first place?

Teacher Style Box
I found this subscription clothing service through instagram and stalked their page for a good long while before committing. And I have loved MOST of the clothes that have come my way….here’s how it works: you pick the pieces you want to be saved in your closet. They send you two pieces a time. You wear (or purchase to keep) and then send back for cleaning.

Rented pants. New boots from Christmas. Rainbow tee shirt? It was a good outfit day.
Bag and label ready to go!
Banana republic slacks. Cute top.

Using this service has really kept me invested in choosing fun outfits for work. PLUS, I don’t have official statistics on this – but it has actually made me do less online shopping and browsing because I’m excited to pair things already in my closet with my TSB pieces. AND if I want to try something trendy but not sure if it will be a good fit for my body, I can always order it from this service and just send it back after trying! Check it out here if you’re interested ($10 off your first month!).

Blog book
Each January, I get excited to print my blog posts into physical print. Although no one around here ever looks at them, I dream of future generations pawing through them and gasping at outfits/hair and reading some thoughts of their (great, great) grandmother living during this crazy time. I switched to a new company just to try a different format and I fell in love – now I have to fight off the urge to get all of my old books printed just like these ones. We’ll see how long I can hold off.

Beautiful cover.
Monthly title pages.

The pages are thick and beautiful. The text and photos are laid out in magazine style which I love. Plus, at the beginning of each book, they take all of your photos and make a double page collage layout – my favorite part of the whole thing!!!

My little scrapbooker’s heart is so happy looking at this!

Writing for me has always been therapeutic….and now putting that writing into this blog and then printing into books feels beautifully creative – just like scrapbooking did. But all of it really is summed up in a love for STORYTELLING. Living my life, capturing photos and words, and fitting them back together is the purpose of this blog and I’m happy you’re here to share the journey with me.

Tik Tok
If you’ve been around me at all in the last two five months, you know I am always humming Tik Tok songs and have been creating ridiculous videos just really because they make me laugh. Then I promised a student that if she met a few goals we set together, I’d make a TT with her. And then she did. And then we did. And then that video ended up getting over 90,000 views in a matter of days!!! Isn’t that madness?

Haha…..I’m not really sure how videos do on here but I’ll try and post it so you can peek at this viral masterpiece.

Isn’t it the cutest?!?! Also, yes she’s a 4th grader. Yes, she’s very tall. Yes, I’ve already recruited her for volleyball. The end.

Stay tuned for probably more Tik Tok fun….I try to pretend like it’s not a big deal but I’m obsessed.

2/40 On a fave volleyball moment

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When I asked my husband what he thought some of my moments would be for this series, his answers were typical life milestones (“our wedding, getting the kids, 3rd in state for volleyball”) and must to his surprise, none of those were actually on my list.

While I love a good milestone and celebration (especially if there is a reason for obnoxiously large balloons) – I am hoping to capture smaller moments that might not register to others outside of my circle when they occur.

One such moment in my volleyball career includes a team that did not place at the state tournament. It was the first year we won the district championship and some of our lessons and training in selflessness and teamwork that this story will highlight may have very well contributed to that success.

This particular season, we had a player on our team that was truly the light and joy of our squad. Not your “typical” athlete or volleyball player and without volleyball, some of my players probably never would have met this player or been friends with her (not because of negative qualities, just different circles and high school interests). But her uniqueness, humor and personality was something to be remembered.

At a team bonding event before matches began, around a campfire, players were sharing their goals and hopes for the season. This particular player went a different route then her teammates, not sharing any performance or post-season goals, but that her particular goal was to continue growing relationships with her teammates because “it was the first time she ever felt like she belonged.” (yes I was teary).

Fast forward a month later…..I get a ton of excited texts on a Thursday morning from what seemed like my entire team. This very same player was VOTED HOMECOMING QUEEN for the entire high school. Dressed all fancy and paraded in front of the school during the school-wide assembly with the pride of a champion. And her teammates, equally proud could barely contain their excitement both that morning and at practice that day. Turns out, the entire team rallied as her campaign committee to share her light and her importance to their classmates and got the school to recognize someone that might have flown under the radar otherwise.

Although it’s a small story, it’s a story about the importance of a team. The value of athletics and extra-curricular opportunities for kids in school. The importance of teaching character as a coach. How, in our program, we value everyone’s unique role and contribution to the greater good and accept folks for who they are, not just how they help us win. I don’t know all the specifics and behind the scenes work that this took. And that’s part of why this moment stands out to me – I had nothing to do with the idea or the orchestration of the campaign and the outcome. I, along with my newly crowned Queen, just got to live in the magic of others’ kindness…..beautiful thing.

On our visit to Atlanta

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Last July, we went along on a work trip with Scott to Atlanta – WonderBOY and I got to explore and swim during the days while he was at his conference. In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day today, I thought I would share some pictures and experiences from the very birthplace of such an important leader in our history.

My most memorable moment(s) of the 3-day trip was taking WB to the National Center for Civil and Human Rights – many recommended it to me but also noted “but it’s probably pretty boring for a teenager.”

But WB was SOOOOO engaged the entire time. He took over 100 photos on his camera, asked a million questions, read almost every display and talked about the experience with Dad forever at dinner that night.

Reading about children who died during this time – this boy was only 13, the same age as WonderBOY.

Some quotes and questions I don’t want to forget him saying and asking:
“I know if I look more native (he’s a registered member of Choctaw nation but presents as very Caucasian), I might get treated differently and that’s not okay.”
“I don’t understand why we don’t learn more of THIS information in school.”
“Are there any jobs after high school I can do to keep this work going?”

Other impactful displays at the Center.

We also participated in a simulation of a diner “sit-in” protest with the Freedom Riders – with headphones on and sitting at the diner counter, we had sounds of horrific abuse in our ears as our chair and counter rumbled beneath us. It was only 40 seconds of the experience (and I did not know what we were getting into when stepping in line) and because of WonderBOY’s history, I was worried about trauma triggers during the whole thing…..but he was so moved by it, rightfully angered by it, and had so many questions – I knew it was worth it.

Just this week, he watched a movie in class about Dr. MLK Jr. and the Freedom Riders and I know he was 100% more engaged and curious, because he had this experience in his realm of knowledge in a variety of forms (music, physical touch, vision, physical, etc.).

WB loved this image so much, we bought a canvas for his room to always remember this visit.

So, long story short….if you’re ever in Atlanta, GA, I would HIGHLY recommend this tour. Even if you have children, even if they are “hard to please” teens and even if other tours or tourist attractions seem more flashy. It will be time WELL SPENT.

40 moments in my 40th year

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Chip and Dan Heath, in their new book The Power of Moments, describes a “defining moment” as a short experience that is both memorable and meaningful.

Using this definition, I wanted to document some of those moments I’ve experienced in my 40 years of life on this planet. Some were special and joyous, some a powerful lesson was learned (and even more exciting, remembered years later), and others are just words that stuck with me over the course of time.

I am going to tag these moments as 40 moments in the sidebar if you’d like to see them all in one place. —->

Imagine this human…..sitting at a table at Skyline Elementary with her 5th grade teacher, Mr. Larsen and parents at their student-teacher conference. Thinking I was pretty smart, getting good grades on most things and the worse thing my teacher would tell my parents is “your child talks too much” (a very common report card comment for me)…..

Instead Mr. Larsen gets real serious, leans in and tells my parents I’m not reaching my potential. (insert very nervous 5th grade girl who thought she was all that and ready for another glowing review conference here) That he sees me “lessening” my abilities to “fit in with the crowd.” He tells me “Don’t ever be less than you are to impress the boys, your friends, or people you want to be your friends.” These definitely weren’t trendy things in the 1990’s but currently this moment would be described as: mic drop. Mind blown emoji. Dead skull.

And although I probably rolled my eyes at the time – this lesson has stuck with me for the ENTIRETY of my life.

I am so thankful that Mr. Larsen took the time to grow me into something more, even when I was one of the “smart ones” in his class. That he was brave enough to say something hard in front of parents, not knowing how they’d react. That he cared about each student individually enough to share their strengths AND an area to grow.

So here I am, almost 40, and have actively practiced the art of “not lessening.” I work really hard to not compare my work to other school counselors or coaches. To other foster/adopt parents. To other women my age on social media. And I attribute this trait (and my resulting fairly okay on most days mental health) to Mr. Larsen, 5th grade teacher, meeting with a smart girl and her parents and sharing a hard thing.

Also, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t add:
Teachers matter.
Educators change lives.
Support your local school district (vote yes on our Ferndale levy pretty please).
Thank a teacher.
Bring them coffee.
The end.

One Little Word 2022

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This word directly relates to where I perceived myself to be at on January 28th of 2020 where I made an Instagram story with the following sentiments.
“I’m a big goal setter but sometimes I push them back and procrastinate. This month and this year is different (said with a cringe amount of confidence). I’m leaning in and putting those steps out into the universe. I can see now that there are people and things being placed in my path that are meshing and aligning so well for what I’m trying to do. I can’t attribute that to anything else but my purpose coming to light. It’s driving me in a new way and I’m so thankful for that.”

Literally the. next. day, an event happened in my family that would rupture it’s very foundation of safety and my heart. The next month, my position in my district was taken away due to a failed levy. And the month after that, our schools were shut down to Covid-19 along with the rest of the world. So needless to say, my hopes, dreams and positive disposition about “everything happening for a reason and falling into place” was really shot to hell and my heart and mental health was in shambles. My theme song for that year would have been a combination of Alanis’ Morrisette’s “Ironic” and “Shot Through the Heart” by Bon Jovi.

So this year, my word that resonated the most with me is……

What I am hoping to reclaim:
– my marriage
– a new role as Mom to adults with trauma
– the belief in myself as a leader in education
– my pursuit of impactful experiences outside of school counseling role (public speaking, writing, podcast, etc.)
– prioritizing vacation and travel for our family and myself
– saying no to people or experiences that drag me down

Even “reclaimed” my hair which had gotten out of control long since the last time I cut it in March of 2020.

Here is what a fancy Facebook quiz told me about my 2022 and I rather like the final result:

Why does stubborn and independent have to be combined together two times?!?!? Sheesh I get it…..

A few other members of Team HB picked words as well –
Scott – GROWTH
WonderGIRL – RESTORE
WonderBOY – “your mom” (typical answer these days – oh joy)

If you’re interested in checking out my previous’ years words on the blog, just click the “one little word” tag below the post and they should all pop up.
2010- me (the year I went to Haiti and met Scott)
2011- you
2012- us (got married)
2013- rooted
2014- connect (Team Brave Dinosaurs formed February 2014)
2015- (survive), didn’t pick a word out of sheer chaos that was our journey this year including criminal trial and extremely hard trauma behaviors
2016- together (adoption!)
2017- allow
2018- spark
2019- value
2020- vision
2021- heal

On our 3rd annual Team HB meeting

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Two years ago, we started this tradition of sitting down together as a family to review our year and have a casual conversation about what the next year had in store for us. This year, we reconvened our meeting and much to my surprise, there was minimal resistance from the Wonders and my husband.

Listing 22 things we wanted to accomplish year. It was fun to compare mine with Scott’s to see the overlap.

Per usual, the kiddos worked on some worksheets from Big Life Journal (I also like to use these at work with students and still on sale) to capture some of their thoughts.

Although this practice seems a little corny and REALLY feeds into the January “new year new me” hype that I’m not a big fan of, our family has been through some weird transitions this past year so this type of coming together and circling back up together was quite comforting to my Mama heart. Plus, it’s really fun to look back on past years’ work and see how much everyone has grown and changed.

And just because I like to be real and honest here, we also reviewed our family goals from last year and really sucked at all of them except for 8 family hikes….so we live, we learn – and maybe we needed more than just one year to get some of those things checked off our family bucket list.