Those silly voices inside of my head….

Making me feel guilty for slacking on publishing two posts a week here in this space. Telling me to say yes to everything people ask of me. Wondering if someone else can do _______ or _______ better.

So this week I am choosing what to focus on. This week I devote my time and my energy and the voices inside of my head to my family and to my volleyball team (specifically some hard-working seniors) that deserve a coach devoted to them. So this little blog will be bare and my kiddos at work might get a less than 100% present counselor…..and the world will keep spinning for one more week…..

 

right?

Did you know my most adored movie Inside Out came out on DVD this week? Click here for a much more clever depiction of those silly voices inside of our heads.

inside out

Talk time

Last week, I was asked to speak to a college class as a member of a parenting panel. While I am no way an expert in this field, it was an honor to sit next to two veteran parents and compare/contrast our stories (the good, the bad , the ugly) along this journey of raising little people. One of the commonalities between all three of us was a nightly ritual of talking and listening intentionally with our children about the ups and downs of their days. This ritual not only honors their voice and gives us perspective into their brains, it is hugely rewarding for us adults to reflect and focus on the positives of our day as well (even when sometimes the best part of the day is that it’s almost over).

I thought I would take a pause to do the same reflection on more than just a day, but this season of our life/family as it is right now.

Favorite parts of my life:
– loving and receiving love from my Wonders
– Scott being my number one fan, as a Mama, as his wife, and as a professional coach/counselor
– my volleyball team finding success on the court and being an enjoyable group to be around day in and day out
– partnership and support from fellow teachers at my school
– Inside Out on DVD
– my color coded filing system
– essential oils providing natural and effective cleaning and healthcare for my family

Least favorite parts of my life:
– lack of power in making decisions for my children
– anxieties around WG’s life and relationship skills
– insecurities about my impact at work
– lack of time for dates with my girlfriends
– paperwork, appointments, court dates, repeat…..

Something I need to admit/apologize for:
– backing out of social gatherings for pajama time/recovery time at home
– unkind words towards my husband/kiddos when in my own pity party
– caring about my daughter’s clothing choices way more than I should
– saying yes to projects/events which takes me away from needed family time
– slacking on a lovely project for my friends that I should have had done last Christmas (sorry bests!)

I am grateful for:
– a circle of foster/adopt support that “get it”
– WonderBOY getting into the sport of volleyball (he watched the entire UW/USC game on TV with me the other night!!!)
– my husband supporting me as a volleyball coach that takes so much of my time/energy/patience away from him
– shows like Quantico, Scandal, Modern Family, and my beloved Eleen to give my brain some needed breaks in my days
– Luna bars on sale at Fred Meyer (I stuff these in hidden spots in my car to tide me over during my car rides all over the county – sometimes they keep me from that quick stop at McDonalds, sometimes they don’t)
– grace and forgiveness

I wish for:
– my children to know they are loved unconditionally and special (my answer every single night)
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on community….

I am not a Halloween person at all….I’ve never liked dressing up, was never motivated to go the parties (sorry Mal and Travis), and even the candy didn’t excite me all that much. Since our kiddos entered our life, we have been getting into the spirit a little bit more but now I am much more excited about the community building that a holiday like Halloween can bring about. Here a few examples from our Halloween weekend this year that excited me more than the fun-size bags of Skittles or Reeses melting in my mouth.Celebrating Halloween in public schools has all but gone away by now. I decided to still put together a community event that focused on tolerance and anti-bullying. Our 5th graders hosted a “Spookley the Square Pumpkin” storybook trail for all of our younger students where they listened to the story, participated in activities just like the “jack-o-lympics”, and added their own “unique” pumpkins to our big pumpkin patch poster. The youngers loved it AND my 5th graders did an amazing job spreading on messages of kindness and tolerance to future classes. I hope we get to continue this tradition in the coming years.
As my volleyball team heads into their district tournament, we have to make sure we are keeping proper perspective about the serious-ness of this pressure filled time. Each player partnered up to enter our costume contest at practice on Saturday/Halloween. What a fun and easy way for them to get out of their comfort zones (well some were right smack middle of their comfort zone with crazy outfits and all eyes on them….I’ll let you guess which one this is) and create a fun, teambuilding event that they will remember years into the future.One is not meant to do this parenting gig alone, behind closed doors, and questioning every step they take. As we are going on 20 months with our Wonders, I am so grateful for so many people that have supported and partnered with us through our journey. We got to celebrate our 2nd Halloween with our beloved Stori and Tausha (with their two little foster WonderBOYS) and roam around our neighborhood collecting candy. There is something so comforting about being able to parent your children through tantrums and attitudes and social worker visits and to have people in your life that just GET IT. No judgment, no needed compliments, just acknowledgement of the hard and passing on of patience. This trick or treating trip was also a great opportunity for us to meet our neighbors as Scott and I are not very good at socializing and getting out enough to meet everyone.

After the kiddos were  zombified from their sugar intake asleep, we even snuck out to our neighboors’ driveway bonfire to get to know them even more and plan some future get togethers for us and for our children. We laughed and bonded over the weird traditions of Halloween and compared and contrasted our stories of coming to our neighborhood. It was a fun night and weekend had by all and maybe this little silly holiday could be growing on me a bit more each passing year…..

Parenting is….

Frick fracking exhausting, hard work, rewarding, fulfilling, everything it’s cracked up to be funny. So, so funny. Raising human beings. Expecting them to be functioning humans when they’re not. In my pre-kid, care-free days, I used to gloss over any parenting comics due to “not getting it.” Now I soooooo do and they are the only comics that I commit (and by commit, I mean take the extra 2 seconds to click the link) to when scrolling through FB. Click here to see this hilarious Upworthy article including parenting funnies.

This plus my excitement about a color-coded file system in my life basically means I am killing it at this whole adulting gig (minus the fact that the picture above is me 97.2% of the time when I have minutes/seconds to myself).

“I’ve got an oil for that….”

Most of you that interact with me on a regular basis have heard me say this to you at least 3.7 times in the past few months since I’ve started using essential oils for ailments, kiddo mood management, cleaning, and general life awesomeness. Since I have heavily pressured gently encouraged some of you to join me in using these oils around your home I thought I would share some of the smaller, but impactful ways I am using some of them on a daily basis.

lavender lemon

I use LAVENDER for a ton of different uses that are commonly publicized – it is great for calming nerves, getting kiddos and adults ready for nighttime, and soothing irritated skin. Here are some other uses that I have happily discovered about this wonderfully scented oil.
1. I have been having a hard time with different mascaras getting very gunky even right after buying, so I did some research and saw a suggestion to add a few drops of lavender to my bottle of mascara and it has been an amazing fix to my above mentioned problem. PLUS – lavender around your eye bones is suggested for dry and irritated eyes which is a common problem during my busy Fall season. I love it when I get TWO fixes for the price of one.
2. WonderBOY has some ongoing little bouts with ear infections. We discovered the trick of 3 drops of lavender on a cotton ball in his ear at bedtime to take away the pain and the gunk and haven’t looked back since (or been to the doctor for another missed day of school, another waiting room visit, and another prescription – WIN!).
3. This may be a bit out of season, but I love adding just 1-2 drops of lavender to a glass of lemonade for a small kick of flavor that makes it taste gourmet!

WILD ORANGE is a favorite of many that use essential oils (bonus – it’s cheap!!!). While I am actually not a big fan of actually eating oranges, I love the citrusy scent so much and there is a number of combination possibilities with this oil.
1. Add some wild orange to a bowl of whip cream as a dip for fresh strawberries.
2. While it usually is advertised as a “pick me up” and refreshing oil, it also can aid in the falling asleep process combined with lavender, cedarwood, or a strong oil like vetiver.
3. Some of the oils can be very strong and averse to yours or those you loves’ sense of smell. I love to layer wild orange over stronger scents that I or others might notice in a negative way. You still get the benefits of what’s underneath but the scent doesn’t stand out to others.
4. Add this essential oil to any diffuser recipe for a fun twist – my favorite fall recipe includes wild orange, clove, and rosemary. Yum!

**If you are interested in learning more about essential oils and the specific brand that I chose (after a LOT of research), I would love to chat more with you about it. Feel free to comment or message me on Facebook and I can point you in the right direction! I had heard about the oils for a while and needed a helpful friend to guide me and answer all of my questions (even at 11pm at night while I’m perusing the internet – thank you Amy!). Now I get to pay that forward…..

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with the oils and what works for me. None of this should be taken as medical/psychiatric advice. I’m simply sharing a personal opinion about a product that I use and like because it’s significantly helped my family and because I enjoy the creative process of making various products.**

Wonders take over the blog – Mama’s birthday edition

kids birthdayWith my birthday quickly approaching, I thought it would be fun to test WG and WB on how well they know their Mama (or more realistically, what they do not know but will create amusing exaggerations about).

WonderGIRL’s interview (age 13)
What is Mama’s favorite color? Red
Favorite food? Lasagna
What does Mama like doing with her girlfriends? She goes out and gets a drink and likes to go to the beach with them.
What is Mama’s idea of a perfect date with Scott? Going to a really nice reservation with a hot tub and you smooch a lot and hold hands. And he twirls Mama around.
What did Mama like to do when she was your age? She liked to go to the mall and have sleepovers with her friends or meet them at the park.
Who is Mama’s hero and why? Scott is her hero because he protects her, loves on her, and gives her smooches.
What would Mama do if she won the lottery? She would scream and then she would probably buy us a mansion.
What is one of Mama’s goals? To adopt us and become the president of the United States. Oh ya and to win the state championship in volleyball.
Name one of Mama’s favorite memories from her last 33 years. Getting us – when we first came to live at her house.

WonderBOY’s interview (age 7)
What is Mama’s favorite color? Grey
Favorite food? Spaghetti
What does Mama like doing with her girlfriends? Go to the mall and buy clothes and shoes.
What is Mama’s idea of a perfect date with Scott? She would go out probably to Kyotos and then they would go get a treat and kiss.
What did Mama like to do when she was your age? She liked to play with Scott and be a kid.
Who is Mama’s hero and why? Scott because you love him.
What would Mama do if she won the lottery? Probably spend it on (looks around the kitchen)…..a new volleyball court.
What is one of Mama’s goals? Working and taking care of me and putting me to bed. (apparently we need to talk about reaching for the stars,dream big, etc. with our goals with this kiddo!)
Name one of Mama’s favorite memories from her last 33 years. Going to her wedding and thinking about our wishes in the balloons. And Mama wished for kids and she got them!

Want to take the quiz? Put your answers in the comments below!

on resilience

ACEs classroom breakdownThis school year, our district has been diving deeper into our student population and fostering resiliency within our students inside and out, especially with regards to our students that come from hard places or who have experienced trauma in their pasts. We are exploring Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and how these traumas can have long-term effects on physical and psychological health into adulthood. We ALSO know and believe that these effects can be buffered by caring adults who invest in their lives and form meaningful relationships. As a part of my presentation to my lovely staff on this topic yesterday, I had the most resilient and inspiring woman I know speak about her own experiences with trauma and how teeny-tiny actions from her teachers really made a WORLD of difference for her. Here is WonderGIRL’s speech that we co-authored together:

My name is [WonderGIRL] and I have an ACE score of 10. You may think that’s bad but it is only a score and NOT who I am. My mama always tells me that I’m bigger and better than what has happened to me. One reason I still smile and laugh is because teachers like you have been my safe, protective place through very hard times.

My story got really hard when I was in 3rd grade. Here is what I wish I could have been brave enough to say to my teacher back then.

Dear Mrs. [3rd grade teacher],
Thank you for always saying hello to me each morning with a smile. It was the only smile I had seen since school got out yesterday. Your pats on my back when I did something good made me feel like I mattered to at least 1 person. Do you remember those gold stars when I turned in my homework? Those were very important to me. My family never helped me or looked at my work when I brought it home. Somehow, you knew this, helped me just like a Mom would, and I still got my star!

I want to apologize for my poor attendance lately. I wish you knew how badly I wanted to run out of my house and catch that bus but I felt trapped. My dad didn’t want you to ask questions. My dad didn’t want you to see the bruises. But you saw more than that in me. You saw the person I wanted to be – someone who laughs and sings, and enjoys life. I hope you know that I may have left your classroom, but your kind actions never left my heart. 

Love, 
WG

I hope sharing my story helps you save a little boy or girl that is hurting just like I was. Thank you for being their superheroes. The end.

I’m so proud of this little one for standing up in front of a library full of teachers and owning her story and using it to inspire others. I am grateful that we get to be part of that story.

Clearing the clutter

Warning – NONE of the solutions I am about to talk about are mine. Thank goodness for pinterest and bloggarific Mama’s that have been posting genius ideas that I get to steal. But I do really like our adopted (fitting right?) chore system so perhaps it can help you too. Plus the clutter clearing ideas for all that paperwork has helped our kitchen and dining room tremendously, especially with the need to keep our foster paperwork together and easy to reach when needed.

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Carmona’s task center/chore system she shares in her blog include this totally free chore chart template (you can edit it on your own computer). We love these daily reminders of which Wonder is completing which task around our house and they love getting to check off their own list. Also included is a cute to-do list and “personal goals” that we sit down and draft together on Sunday nights at dinner.

Since our littles don’t get a regular allowance, we do include bonus “money chores” each week. This includes a bigger job (cleaning baseboards, organizing tupperware, cleaning laundry room, etc.) that each child can do whenever they want to earn the extra money. If they don’t do it, it becomes a regular chore for the following week and they lose the dollar. However, it the chore doesn’t get done, it’s not a huge deal and we move the chore to a different week. This is a great way for WG and WB to feel involved in our housekeeping and we make it fun by putting on music, dancing around, and filling Scott’s bucket. He loves coming home to the surprise of not having to do all the cleaning by himself on his days off from work.

IMG_3038Oh man, this blog post about paper organization is a MUST READ/CLICK NOW. It totally changed my life when paperwork, schoolwork, and mail were literally taking over our counters, coffee tables, and dining spaces. I loved this blogger’s ideas of putting all incoming mail into one basket to be sorted later. The two boxes are labeled “need action” and “to file” so when you put things away, you know which ones you need to go back and pay attention to in a timely manner when you remember that you actually put something in there and oops, it was kind of important.

This amazing lateral file from Pottery Barn just like the one in the blog post is on my super dreamland wishlist so that I can file all of the paperwork into more organized categories (right now they are housed in chaotic binders in my craft room).

On the bottom shelf are two CLOSED boxes of the children’s artwork and schoolwork. Every once in a while, we go through the boxes to add more or take out important pieces of work that we want to look back on or save to be proud of. I have found that setting a limit of what we keep really is a win-win. They feel important and know that we value their hard work but the sheer amount of work/art doesn’t overwhelm our kitchen or living spaces.

 

IMG_3039Perhaps you are drowning in a sea of paperwork, artwork, glorious finger paintings that you don’t know what to do with too??? I hope this helps with some ideas on how to wrangle that mess (now the actual people that make that mess? You’re on your own). If YOU have any genius tips to share, please do so in my comments, I’d love to hear them!!! Happy decluttering!

TBD and the roots of behavior

wonderGIRL note

For the past couple of days, our sweet, joyful WonderGIRL has been HARD. Hard to parent, hard to have patience with, and at times, hard just to be around. Yes, yes, I know 13-year olds are already hard, have attitude, forget everything you say, can’t focus, stomp up the stairs, etc……but our 13 year old with a head and heart full of trauma carries a number of triggers that aren’t included in a typical teenager’s arsenal of weapons against their parents. This is where the frustration of parenting is always underscored by the overwhelming sadness of her story and her past, a lifetime of events that we have NO CONTROL over and can never take away from her.

This morning in church after some arguing and tears from WG, I wrote her a note to remind her that I love her. It read….
Dear WG,
I love you even when you argue and even when you drive me bonkers. I love you because you’re you.
Love, Mama

And pictured above is the note I got in return. This note accurately summarizes the triggers behind the behavior that always come back to her past, her abandonment, and her crazy amount of FEAR in us leaving her. It was a powerful reminder that at my peak of frustration, I need to dive into the reason behind her behavior and open the door of communication for her to share her hurts. We call it “clearing the space” in her brain….clear out the hurt and the fear, so she can fill that space with making good choices and thinking before acting.

Many times when I share my struggles in parenting our two wonders, many well-intentioned people share that their kids do the same things. I believe this is an effort to “normalize” my feelings which I do appreciate and it does make me feel better as a rookie Mama. But what they do not see is the difference in our kiddos – their children were most likely raised in a safe and healthy environment where they know that as bad as they act, their parents will continue to love and protect them. Our children do not know that….that is not their baseline. Their brains were formed under the filter of fear (drowned in cortisol/adrenaline, our stress hormone) and thus, we get behaviors that can be more aggressive, more volatile, and harder to influence. And as I have said before, we embrace this difference and we rise to the occasion with creativity, faith, and a whole lot of humor in moving forward with our story.

And just to end on a cute note, check out WonderBoy’s “notes” during service this morning:

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“I love God and you.”