When I gave up as a parent…..

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….and decided to be a learner instead. 

Many people encouraged us that our kiddos’ behavior would settle down around the adoption/after the adoption from the comfort that will come from having a forever home. Throughout the past couple of weeks, WonderBOY’s behavior has done just that. He is using his words, calming down on his own, and showing increasing levels of affection towards us as his caregivers. With many comparisons between the two, we got WB much younger in his trauma and his brain was so much more READY to receive love and re-wiring and we are so proud of the work that he has done with regards to his own regulation of his body and emotions. He has responded amazingly well to Trust-Based Relational Intervention approaches introduced to us by some of our foster/adoptive parents tribe.

WonderGIRL on the other hand came to us with such severe trauma and brain disregulation – we have truly been on a rollercoaster ride on how to parent her and how to retrain her brain with regards to behavior choices, learning cause and effect, and being at the mercy of her severe deficits in working memory. Her lying behaviors in particular seem to trigger my own insecurities around parenting – thus making a negative environment both for her and I during these daily hourly battles.

After a few bouts of grounding as an experimental consequence, Scott and I realized that we were essentially grounding ourselves during this time with NO behavior change from her. We even pulled her in to tell her that while we were not giving up on HER, we were giving up on trying to punish her for her behavior. We would try a new approach….

As many current parents do in times of struggle – I went straight to Amazon to see if I could find some resources that were direct and to the point about a new approach we could try. After devouring the first book in 2 days, I HIGHLY recommend these titles to any parents of kids with trauma struggling with symptoms most often referred to from a Reactive Attachment Disorder lens. Forbes and Post take traditional approaches and views and contrast them with their own suggestions that come from treating all behaviors as fear-based behaviors in a very real and easy-to-implement way that I love and want to pass along to anyone that may benefit.

I love this quote that if nothing else, gave me permission to prioritize love over expectations and relationship over right vs. wrong….something I felt in my heart but was having a much harder time implementing in real-time:
“Love-based parenting elevates the importance of the relationship to the highest position. No homework assignment, no chore, and no social etiquette is ever more important than than the parent-child relationship. Maintaining connectedness and attunement, thereby sustaining the balance of love of self and love of child, is the primal outcome of every interaction the parent has with the child. When this is achieved, the other less significant items will take care of themselves.”

My next step includes reading the same author’s take on how we can help and support these children within the school setting….what a great win-win for me when I can apply similar philosophies at both home and work!

On our adoption day

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I know it’s been a whole week and a bit since our adoption and I’ve been planning to do a re-cap on this blog, but it seems so HUUUUGGEEEE and lovely as an event, that it’s hard to put my feelings into words…..thus I just let the feelings sit in my heart and “marinate” as I like to say. So I will just add a few pictures from the day with a few words and go from there…..perhaps my processing will grow in the future and I can look back and journal more thoughts.

Opening the box from our wedding that included our vows, notes from our parents, and a special bottle of wine was a fun way to start off the night before the adoption. The kiddos were involved and were so excited that we had prayed and thought about adding them to our lives before we had even met them. The night before was hard hard hard…..the kiddos were extremely overwhelmed with such a huge event looming and WonderBOY sobbed with big man tears in my arms for about 20 minutes before being soothed to bed with a promise that he would feel better once it all got taken care of. A combination of leaving their past behind them and mistrust that it’s all too good to be true are common feelings when kiddos get adopted out of the foster system.

A special day should always include two things: new fresh outfits and oversized balloons. This mantra has influenced most celebrations I am involved with….including my wedding where balloons were one of the major costs of the whole day. Here we are trying to get everything in line for a picture (and away from those hot lights in the court hallway).

Judge U. is the same judge that we had for the criminal trial against the Wonders’ biological father so both him and this courtroom had many mixed feelings for all of us that were involved in that trying process. But on THIS DAY, he graced us with this gift of a forever family and he delivered that gift with kindness, gentleness and joy (breaking out the Thor gavel just for WB) and for that, we are so grateful.

Check out this tribe of amazing people below that have been such a big part of the creation and continued support of our family. All grandparents got to be present (including the Wonders’ biological grandmother and grandfather) and our team from the legal side of this process (social workers, lawyers, and guardians).

This lady right here was the kiddos’ first social worker and the one that really had to make the HARDEST decisions for them and for their family. The only tears from the day came when I got to hug her and thank her for everything she had to do and endure to keep these children in our care. She is not even a current social worker with DCFS and made a special trip and day off from her job to come celebrate with our family. We love her so much!!!

Even though the rain was falling throughout the whole morning, right after our court appointment was finished and pictures were taken….the amazing Fall sunshine came out! I love this shot of the trees behind us during this season that is all about change and transition….trees shedding their past leaves and getting ready to begin new growth and prepare for a brand new season of life….just like Team Brave Dinosaurs!

After our picture session was up to my liking (thank you Stori and Elke for your patience and understanding of my extremely rigid expectations), we enjoyed a yummy lunch at Scotty Browns and then some Menchies right after (shocking I’m sure)!!! What a lovely time talking through the morning and answering very sweet questions from the kiddos. Hearing WB call Scott “Daddy” over and over melted my heart time and time again. Since their biological father was a main source of stress and fear for both kiddos, they have always been at different levels of comfort with using this label for him. Hearing these words out of both of their mouths is a tangible sign that their hearts are healing.

Thank you again for all of your amazing kind words, cards, and special celebrations for our little family. We are so blessed to have you in our lives and I know that one of the special parts of joining our family for WB and WG is all of the extra people that have graced them with love, patience and true acceptance along the way.

On the proposal

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Children in the foster system have a million and one decisions made FOR them and TO them. One common character trait of MOST foster children include a need to control their environment….which of course comes from their complete lack of control in their past and their previous families. Knowing this, we wanted to make sure that our older wonders knew that our pending adoption was as much under their control as it was the state’s and ours.

Therefore, we decided to propose to them similar to a marriage proposal. We wanted them to know we respected them enough to truly give them the choice. But even more, we wanted them to know without doubt that we CHOSE them to be our forever son and daughter and that we are HONORED they would even want to be part of our beautiful mess of a family in the first place. The video is too long to post so here is a link to it on youtube: TBD Adoption Proposal. Enjoy!

Although this video is very sentimental and beautiful, it includes so much of the reality of our family….braces malfunctions, nervous outbursts of behavior and avoidance, and most of all, the love and laughter we get to all share together on a daily basis.

Many people have asked if the video meant that our adoption was final….and no, we haven’t had our official court proceeding yet but we already have a judge assigned to us and are awaiting some available times so it’s coming soon soon soon!

Thank you to all who have left messages and comments of love and support to our little family – it means a lot to all of us and I’m glad our video brought a little joy to your lives during a weekend and events in Burlington that left us all saddened and grieving.

Praise for the system

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First of all, I apologize that my blog posts have been scarce this past month. With volleyball, school, and Scott’s hunting season upon us, life has been so very full and priorities have to be set appropriately!

One exciting adventure of the past two weeks has been the movement towards finalization of adopting our two favorite little Wonders! We signed our official petition to the court (even WonderGIRL got to sign her official signature on the paperwork) and today, we filled out our final paperwork to go forward with a court date. While we are excited, our kiddos are conflicted and that struggle is hard on all of us. So today, I thought I would point out a few things about the state’s support during this transition that I am impressed with and want to publicize, since many of my points about the system on my blog haven’t been the most positive.

When many families decide to adopt a child, adopting out of the foster system is not often the most enticing situation. The gamble of what special needs and trauma-induced behaviors the child can have, the older ages, and the unknown and complicated dynamics of visits and a continued relationship with the biological family are all huge factors that push many away. Not to mention the big “dealbreaker”…..that many feel they cannot take the heartache of the children being returned back to their family or moved to a different home (to which I reply…..but isn’t the heartache of a child that needs a loving home while in transition so much more important).

But after all of that, the state tries to do what it can to make sure that adoptive families and foster children are fully supported after their legal adoption. especially when the children have special needs (which most foster children would be considered with their trauma background). We continue to get coverage for our Wonders’ supervision costs, damage to property costs, and other out-of-pocket expenses that they might accrue. And although we definitely didn’t start this journey or continued it with any costs/financial support in mind as a dealbreaker, it definitely feels comforting knowing their needs will always be met and supplemented by the state that has tried hard to protect them.

Next step?? Courtroom parties, real parties, and two new last names – we can’t wait!

On having a nanny….

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When Scott and I were brainstorming about our Fall craziness and how to lessen the impact on our little wonders’ need for consistently and structure – we had many conflicting feelings about hiring a “nanny.” Would that mean we’re not taking responsibility for our own kiddos? Will she take care of them with as much urgency as needed in their particular situation? And most importantly, would someone be able to handle their behaviors and tantrums and not be scared away???

Our initial interview with our amazing current “WonderNanny” was much more about laying out what could happen under her watch and then seeing if she was up to the challenge. And oh man, we are so grateful she was. She jumped in, attached instantly to WB and WG and has been such a positive light in their lives. Please check out these amazing gifts she sends our way to surprise them.

And then came….

And in the end, every family needs different amounts of support and structure and WonderNanny completely gives us some respite and breaks during a season we need it the most – and for that, we are so grateful she fell into our lap.  We love her so much!

**Many people ask how we found WonderNanny. It went a little something like me browsing care.com and then being shocked at the price of using the site per month. Then stalking nannies I liked and looking them up on FB to see if they might fit. A couple of messages later and voila! No fee, easy communication and a bit of a care.com hack if you will.**

And the winners are….

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Kristina you are going to LOVE these (and if you’d rather have some rollerballs specifically for helping young kiddos I can make that happen instead!!!!). Jamie – little man must have known you would have NO time to read starting next week and need these books in your life. ?
Thanks to everyone for your comments – what great ideas for new posts!!!!

Giveaway time!!!

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These two products have been monumental in some of my personal development and growth towards contentment and peace with the daily chaos of our lives. I would love to share them with my readers as I really appreciate you tagging along on this journey with me and all of the supportive comments and love you have blessed me with throughout this past year. Please see the end of this post for details on how to enter.The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner (and accompanying journal) will help you transform your thinking from “I don’t have time for that!!!” into “I can use my time more wisely” with amazing insights and challenging questions. It’s my favorite gift to give to all the hard-working mamas in my life and I hope you will appreciate it as well!

Most of you know how much essential oils have transformed our families’ lives in the past year (sorry for all the oil posts and pictures). Not only with giving me the ability to create our own cleaning products, but also to impact our emotional health and well-being. These emotional aromatherapy oils are my favorite to put into rollerballs (as you see here) and to add to our home diffusers for boosts throughout the day. I am excited to give this set away to a lucky reader who could also benefit from using them!

To enter, please follow my new IG account called ROOTEDWELL (click link, then “follow”) for nuggets of knowledge and inspiration on building your own family’s wellness. Then leave a comment either on the blog post or on Facebook suggesting a topic you would like to read about on the blog sometime in the next few months OR what’s been your fave post so far.  Any and ALL suggestions and feedback welcome. This Friday, Aug. 19th, my little Wonders will pick out names and I will send you your goodies ASAP!

Again, thank you for reading throughout this past year….although your feedback is not the primary reason I am keeping up the blog, I do appreciate the support and engagement that it has brought about in our family’s rollercoaster of a journey.

1 year Blog-a-versary….what I’ve learned along the way

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It’s official! I have been blogging, ranting, enabling for about a year now and thought I would document this occasion with a few thoughts about what I’ve learned and enjoyed so far about this little experiment into the public journaling world.

  1. Writing about my experiences and adventures has brought about a great sense of peace and understanding…..there is something very therapeutic about processing one’s own thoughts through writing. Thinking about our struggles and our joys in a “big picture” kind of way when trying to put them into words has helped me gain insight and perspective into our family journey (particularly the struggles with the foster system that have irked me throughout the past year).
  2. As a follow up to #1, my irritability level has significantly decreased because I have something (someone??? all you readers) to share my emotions with and release those stress hormones through the creative expression of writing. I’m sure my husband and wonders definitely appreciate this one throughout our daily life.
  3. Keeping up with posts can be hard at times….I feel like the thoughts in my head are not all that exciting or I struggle with how much to share publicly. But once I realize that those thoughts about what others will think is really just about my own perception and not rooted in the WHY of this blog, I can move forward and more ideas flow into my brain.
  4. I hope that my blog has highlighted some of the joys and the struggle of fostering little ones. There are no two foster situations alike so our journey as Team Brave Dinosaurs is not an example and highlight of what it could/should like…..but I hope this blog (and however I choose to publish it) will be a solid document in years to come for WonderGIRL and WonderBOY. I hope they get to read it later and hear my thoughts, my love, and my passion for them as we grew our family through this process.
  5. One of my favorite lessons learned from this blog is something that I have been very much missing from my scrapbook days….and that is the ability to pay attention to ALL the moments with my family and document them. The big exciting adventures are great and I want to remember those forever…..but the tiny, funny moments and quotes???? Those are the ones that fill my heart with such immeasurable joy and contentment with my life that I can’t wait to look back on and relive….like WB modeling his new vest or meeting my new neice for the first time. All the feels over and over.


Coming later this week – a request for suggestions on what to blog about next AND a giveaway with two of my favorite “game-changer” products that I want to pass along to two of my readers who I appreciate so much!

 

4 years since this epic day….

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and my epic bouquet that still looks exactly like this picture. This was so fun to make (thank you Elke for being my partner in crafty crime on this one) and I love that I still get to hold it just as it was that year for many years to come.FPS029_MG_5091_processed A little bit of fun was had in our photobooth. A lot of fun has happened since our marriage 4 years ago…..adding two lovable little Wonders has been by far the most fun though!FPS108IMG_5495 My favorite seconds of this entire day was all of our loved ones making wishes on these balloons and sending them off into the universe to hopefully come true one day. For those of you that wished for children – hooray your balloon wish was granted. For those of you who wished for babies – sorry not sorry. No diapers and midnight feedings in this house. And for those of you that wished for Scott to stop playing his Marvel video game on his cell phone so much 4 years from this date (oh wait that’s just me)…..maybe we need a few more balloons.FPS514_MG_6692 As this was the happiest day of my life…..this picture below sums up how thrilled I was to have all of my beloved people all under one barn roof. Taryn, you clearly said something I absolutely adored right here. Not a surprise…..FPS547_MG_6796My marriage to Scott has gifted me so many things….a loyal partner who said yes when I needed him too. A cozy house to make memories in. An fire family that I love as if I shared blood with them. Feelings of safety and security that I have rarely felt before.

My marriage has also stretched me and I choose to view that as a gift as well. It has been unbelievably hard at times and in those times, we have learned how to communicate, how to take breaks, and how to unselfishly say sorry and make changes. Each day brings about new opportunities to practice those skills and I welcome them if it makes us stronger in the long run. I have learned to restructure my thinking about so many things to find peace and purpose in the good and the bad.

I will not sugar coat this whole adventure by saying it’s all been rosy…even before the added stress of our kiddos being in the mix, Scott and I struggled in our relationship. And now with our Wonders around us, those small rifts in our foundation get a bit bigger with each rumble they add. We continue to reach out for help and it’s carrying us through the lows. Our love and commitment carry us drag us through the conflicts and always lead to healing. The experience of living with broken beings who have endured trauma is definitely not easy and at times can feel incredibly suffocating, but with the grace of powers much bigger than I, I feel a purpose and a mission to love fiercely through all of it and lean towards the ultimate goal of peace and healing for all of us.

Thank you Scott for choosing me, loving our Wonders and me with a fierceness that can move mountains, and for working on yourself so you can be better for US. That work means more to me than all the letters, cards, and flowers you could ever give to me. I love you today and every day.