on a new kind of heartache….

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I had big plans to set up multiple blog posts during my Spring Break. Something big and hard hit our family this past week and I find myself grieving on a daily hourly basis…..something I want to write about and process before other posts get published.

And I’m not there yet…..and I’m okay with that. Today, as our little family breaks out of our home that has been a bit of a prison for the past 9 days and jumps onto a ferry to enjoy the sunshine and enjoy each other – I pray for more laughter than lectures, more smiles than tears, and more comfort than fear.

and on his 9th trip to Haiti….

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I am in awe of his passion and love for this country and their people. I love that this little country (and the Haitian babes) brought us together and paved an amazing path of compassion and service for our future relationship. Here is a picture from 2011 on our second trip together (also known as my most favorite picture of us EVER)….
Unfortunately, my beloved anxious traveler is having a few doubts about leaving us (but mostly the kiddos) for his trip with an amazing charity called One Spirit Medical Missions. We would love your prayers and calming thoughts for him as he travels for the next day and impacts the children and people of Haiti in huge ways through medical outreach for the next 10 days. I am so proud of his work and even more excited that our wonders get to observe firsthand what it looks like to have a servant’s heart and sacrifice comforts, money and leisurely time with us for a greater purpose that he has been called to.

Please also pray for WonderGIRL and WonderBOY to have faith that Daddy will come back home safe and sound and for their own anxious hearts to be filled with the same love and admiration that I do thinking about his outpouring of love and passion for Haiti.

March favorites

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Here are a few things that I am pretty darn excited about this month (hint: there will be absolutely no SNOW included):

Facebook articles that confirm my parenting (and coaching) beliefs – Love this one by a Stanford dean. We love our kiddos and want the best for them but by high school they need to start experiencing the hard stuff and finding their own solutions to practice before they are truly on their own!

Canon all-in-one printer – can’t wait to print photos on this highly-recommended printer. My last HP all-in-one was seriously the most amazing printer and I had it for a good 10 years so I have been mourning it’s loss for a while. A little trip to Best Buy last weekend connected me with a lovely salesman that highly recommended this one. Happy day!

Oily Vinyl Kit Club – Elizabeth and Amy have teamed up to produce and create vinyls for your DIY rollerballs and sprays to use around your house or gift to friends and family. Here is a sneak peek of April’s vinyl kit:

Pinterest husband -a  few side by side comparisons of my pin to his finished product.  We are very self-aware to know that a renovation or house building project would be the end of us so this little arrangement of my sharing a picture and him building works out perfectly. He’s so lucky he has me to keep him busy on his days off. ?(still need to add hooks and a cozy cushion)

A mother’s comfort…..

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Yesterday’s church service was a message of hope and encouragement…..using excerpts from Psalm 139, our Pastor spoke eloquently about God knowing us intimately and before we were even a glimmer in someone’s eyes. My own brain and heart was filled with comfort, knowing that there was a plan for me all along and that I was “fearfully and wonderfully” made to do good things. Knowing that “everyday of my life was recorded in (His) book” was communicated in order for us to trust and have faith in that which we do not know.

However, for my trauma-filled WonderGIRL, today’s message brought out anger and deep-rooted abandonment fears. Did God know what was going to happen to her when He “knit her together?” And if He did know, why did He let that happen? Why did her Mom forget about her when Moms weren’t supposed to do that? And of course the fear of “will my Mom now forget how to love me and leave me too?” Her questions and tears filled our car on the way home from church. But then later they turned to vicious words and looks toward me over teeny tiny issues.

What I attributed as “teenage behavior”, my amazing husband saw as much more (which I appreciated once I got over my disappointment in being wrong). Identifying that her hard feelings in the morning were connected to her behavior toward me later brought about a huge sense of relief in her that I just had no idea was there. This took our parenting approach from the forcing of “respectful re-do’s” and safety plans to an approach to get out her angry thoughts and assure her that I would never leave. I asked her to pretend her biological mother was sitting with us and invited her to say anything she felt like saying as I typed a letter recording her words.

Here is a small excerpt of her letter:
Why did you even have me if you were just going to pass me off a million different times? What was the point of having two kids if you never paid attention to them? (WB) was little so he doesn’t understand.. All he knows is that me and (Dad’s girlfriend) were the only people that talked to him. I understood that you didn’t care but he didn’t. I understood that I wanted you to be part of my life but you never cared enough to show up or try.

You didn’t come to the court date. It’s like you didn’t want us. You thought “oh well it doesn’t work.” It’s always worth a try when it comes to family. I usually give up but I go back and try to figure it out. Like one time I went to the dentist and I was doing homework before that and when I came back, the homework was easier.

Also, I wish you realized what you had and then you lost it.

And then I got to hold her, re-assure her, and send her off to bed with the kind of comfort that is supposed to come from a mother. I share this story and this message because it documents the filter of a trauma-impacted brain and how we can sometimes think we are comforting or encouraging someone, when it is actually increasing their fear and doubts even further. WonderGIRL specifically is often told by well-intentIoned youth leaders to pray and forgive the people that have wronged her, which sometimes pushes her into further depression and confusion around her abuse. We are still navigating these triggers delicately and would love some sage guidance from any of you trauma-mamas out there on how to have these conversations……until then, we just take one day at a time with great love and even greater patience.

On my side gig…

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Although I wasn’t even considering DoTerra as a business when I first started using their amazing essential oils – what has grown from just sharing my excitement with friends and family has grown into a beautiful network of mamas, teachers, entrepreneurs, and generally awesome people that I love spending time with!

I get to leave my house every once in a while, sit around tables and living rooms, enjoy some cocktails and appetizers, meet amazing women working their butts off to keep their families happy and healthy….and then educate and empower them to make over their whole lives with natural wellness products.

The ripple effect of all of this fun networking is that I make enough money to make a big impact on our family’s ability to create awesome memories and enjoy experiences together. My hubby and I decided last year to combine his overtime paychecks and all of my DoTerra earnings in order to save for the Disney cruise we gifted the kiddos with last Christmas. We are so excited for this family trip of a lifetime AND extra excited that we didn’t have to sacrifice household expenses to make it happen (especially with our surprise house buying adventure – that might not have been possible if we hadn’t been saving!).I am super grateful for my mentors, Amy and Jodi, for supporting me throughout this journey and I love love love ALL of my oily tribe that are having great experiences with the oils and having some fun right along with that. Hearing their stories of how the oils are positively impacting so many emotional and physical ailments in their home makes my heart incredibly happy and increases my passion for getting this information out into the world!!!

A few links to how I use essential oils in my home:
OIls for Mama
Oils for Hubby
Oils for Kiddos

I’m always happy to share more about the business side of DoTerra if you’re interested. It doesn’t take any inventory or extra costs to start sharing so many people experiment to see what they can do in a short period of time and then take it from there! (Please excuse a little sales pitch very now and again here and on my FB – I’m too excited to keep it myself!)

On the transition…

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Many people have asked how the transition to the new house has been on our sweet little Wonders. I had this post scheduled for today with only pictures (mattress store selfies while Dad does the shopping negotiating everything else less important than laying on beds and taking pics with the kiddos) but then wrote it last night when a few other transitions had popped up to cope with and process as well.WonderBOY was extremely anxious about moving. He was typically pretty anxious in our old home, never wanting to be on a separate floor from us and on most nights, ending up on the floor in our room or at the top of the stairs sleeping so he can hear us watching tv downstairs. I remember the day that Scott got our keys to the new place and started moving our first load…..we came in after the packing and as soon as WB saw the “empty” living room, he just started crying. The fear of not knowing where “our things” went was very hard for him.

The deep fears of loss and abandonment not only get attached to people, but to belongings that hold memories and comfort for this little man. Assuring him that our things were indeed at the new house and even his self-packed boxes were waiting for him in his new room were not enough…..after another load was packed, he was filled with relief and joy when seeing his new room and his “stuff.” So excited in fact, that he didn’t even look at the rest of the house and got to work right away organizing his room. So sweet…..since settling in, he has started to feel more comfortable and has even tested out sleeping in his own room (even though we are on separate floors now and out of earshot). Throwing our big “snow week” into the mix after the move may have done more damage than good with transitioning as my little man craves structure and routine and that week had absolutely ZERO of that. I am looking forward to a few weeks of normal schedule here to get us back on track.WonderGIRL has loved the move to our new house, due to the fact that she has some fun girl friends she already knows that live close by (thank you coaching world for inserting players and their younger sisters into our tribe for this very benefit). Working on her room together and giving her more independence with the kitchen and more breathing room is going to be such a positive for her.

WG has been praying for more “foster siblings” since we moved as we had to renew our home study and paperwork last week. In a fate-filled turn of events, two sweet young girls came home with us for a short-term stay (on the very date WG and WB came home with us three years prior – crazy right?). The one thing WG thought she was missing from her life came with some very hard feelings when the reality of that wish came true. Feelings of “being replaced” and jealousy toward the other girls in the house were big topics of conversation as we cared for new friends in our home and shared our rooms, our meals, and our love. I have faith this will get easier for her as we continue to open our homes to children in need and start trusting that she is ours forever and ever, no matter who we get to love on and care for temporarily.

As I shared the news today with my Wonders that our new friends wouldn’t be coming back home with us tonight and that they were waiting for a new plan at the CPS office, WG promptly replied “Shouldn’t we go sit with them? They are probably so scared.” Tears start forming as I remember this because I knew they were scared too but didn’t have the same panic response as her who lived it and endured it a few years back and THAT breaks my heart and makes me love her so so much all at the same time. It is moments and statements like these (which I NEED) to remind me that this girl is:
1. a fighter and has endured tragic events so much worse than I can even imagine.
2. ready to care for others (probably better then she can care for herself).
3. learning about compassion and perspective taking in some big ways.
4. someone that can use her trauma to help others, maybe only to inspire them when she thrives as a hopeful story but also to connect in ways that may of us truly can’t understand.

3 year live-a-versary!

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3 years ago today, WonderGIRL and WonderBOY got to come home with us. The first couple of days were a lovey, chaotic blur. Interested in the whole story? Click here to relive that weekend.

Saying yes to “an short term” emergency weekend stay for the Wonders was preceeded by an activity inspired by a church sermon at Cornwall, encouraging us to surrender our plans and our control to God. These paintings were an artistic outlet for me in processing that message and making it apply to my life. Little did I know that three days later, I would be asked to surrender in a HUGE way and then be rewarded in an even GREATER way than I could have imagined. (Also surrendered in the process – sleep, scrapbooking, my sanity, faith in my abilities to keep a kiddo with trauma safe, time to get ready, and date nights but who’s keeping track). We have created so many fun memories together on our “live-a-versary” celebrations (monthly for the first year and now annually) – the following pictures are from our secret weekend field trip from last year to Seattle. The year before that, we traveled to Friday Harbor, a favorite date spot of Scott and I.This year, we will have a quiet celebration at home followed by a bigger celebration this coming weekend as we get to celebrate our official adoption and welcoming our loved ones to our new home.

Funny story – I’ve been trying to plan our adoption party for quite a few months now…..venues and dates just never seemed to work out for all sorts of silly reasons. In hindsight, I attribute this to another reminder that God is in true control as now we have the perfect “party house” for the perfect “party” reason on the anniversary weekend of what turned out to be the perfect way for us to start our forever family – all which were causing my constant need for control personality quite a bit of anxiety. Perhaps I need to listen to that “I surrender” message a few more times…..

Back to the dale….

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These past two weeks have been full of surprises – a super fast close and move date and then a whole week off with snow to settle in! As many of you know from the paint samples that were on our old living room wall for well over a year, I have some commitment issues when it comes to decorating a house. This week with our snow-mageddon storm, I had some time to work all of that out and start making our HOUSE a HOME. Part of that included quite a bit of Amazon shopping which then I felt super guilty about – sorry beloved delivery people – your sacrifical efforts this week to get to our house in the weather and bring me my furniture were SOOOOOO appreciated.Still deciding if I like this headboard or not with the navy and white decor. Perhaps with the wood dresser and some cooler nightstands – it will go better? Feel free to weigh in – it helps with the indecisiveness.Love love love the sliding barn doors on our closet – poor Scott is living out of a different closet since this one is a bit small but so cute to have a little nook all to myself.Did I mention that our downstairs has a FULL KITCHEN??? We love all of the possibilities that this opens up, including keeping the kiddos contained during snack and breakfast times. Scott found this adorable little table and chairs to perfect their personal “kid cafe.”I know many of you saw the progression of WonderGIRL’s room unfold over Instagram posts, but today we added real mattresses and bedding and the inner 14 year old me is uber jealous about this whole situation (although the real 14 year old me should be extremely grateful because I had a huge room, bathroom, and most importantly, the DJ Tanner phone in my room where I could sneak three way calls after bedtime with all my homies – so thank you Mom and Dad).We don’t have much in our upstairs living space and I hope to build the room around this amazing vintage-y piece of goodness I found at our local furniture store. I am so excited to actually get to put my scrapbooks on display versus hidden in my craft room. Don’t mind the cluttered mess on top – I’m feeling out what looks good and where all my “mantle” decor from the old place can go.I used to be utterly ENAMORED with these old Bobbsey Twin books on display at my Grandma and Grandpa’s house growing up. After the passing of my Grandpa and my Grandma moving out of their beloved home, I was the lucky recipient of these gems. I feel honored to get to display them for future generations of readers to lovingly peruse while visiting my house as well. The copy of Gone with the Wind shown on the right is from 1913 – how cool is that????

As many people have mentioned, the renovation that the previous owners did on this house are beautiful and PERFECT for our family. We are extremely grateful to them for putting such care and attention to detail in so many place throughout the house – hopefully they catch this post and others on FB (the previous owner is a childhood classmate of mine) and can see some of the results and love come out of their amazing efforts in fixing up their home for a future family.

On moving….

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The stars and powers above that be have teamed up to align and we are moving!!! Although we’re pretty content in our current home, we would love to add some more room (separate rooms to be exact) for the kiddos and for potentially more children in our home. We thought our “starter home” was dang big when we moved in….add two energetic school-age children to the mix and voila! We’re constantly on top of each other!!!When looking for our forever home to team up with our new forever family (still gives me all the feels to say that), we had a few key things we were looking for. Extra rooms for more foster/adopted children. A separate living space, especially for entertaining our friends and family and their lovely kiddos! A mother-in-law suite or independent living space for WonderGIRL  to grow into and practice independent living before heading out into the real world (insert extreme Mama anxiety here). The house we found has all of these specifications and we are so lucky we found it when we did! It even has a special nook (see picture above) that the Wonders have deemed our “cool-down” spot to escape to when feelings are strong and tempers are hot.Oh ya and the master bathroom after their recent renovation on the house is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
It’s been fun to share the planning and decorating ideas with the kiddos. I can’t wait to be intentional with our spaces and create some calm, happy places for each member of our family (and future family members too!).The “mess” of moving has been interesting to process with WonderGIRL and WonderBOY. Moves before for them have been forced on them and the result of usually negative experiences (a relationship change, being kicked out, foster care, etc.). They also haven’t traveled with all of their belongings before. Sometimes they wander around our current house and point at objects, asking, “Do we get to bring this?” And we respond with “Yes. All of it. We are literally CARRYING all of this into our new house piece by piece, box by box.” Their eyes and smiles get big after this response.

We have also used this experience to teach them about the value of money. That moving into a nice house is a result of smart management of our money. We are careful to tell WG and WB that “we aren’t CHOOSING to spend our money on that” instead of “We don’t have money for that.” They both know we have money (and most likely, much more money in our family than what they are used to) and we don’t want to lie to them with dismissive statements like that. We reinforce these concepts each time we go shopping, create wish lists for birthdays and Christmas, and head out to meals together as a family.

I’m sure there will be more stories to share as this adventure unfolds but thank you for all of your kind support and some of your physical support too (you know who you are crazy friends that actually ENJOY the moving process and have helped us so far). Cheers to new adventures!