Quotes I live by (Wednesday)

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You have to love your kids enough to make them hate you sometimes – my beloved Gramma, Audrey

I feel so blessed to have my Gramma in my life as an adult and now as a relatively new mama to older kiddos. She raised 7 kiddos, maintained a loving and beautiful marriage, and was the best party host I know (red cheeks from wine and everything – just like me!!!).

She actually said this quote to me when I was a young adult (like mid 20’s) when I got to play one of our many games of Scrabble together. I’m sure she was referencing perhaps a story I was working with as a new counselor or even a family outside of our own, but her words play in my brain and heart multiple times as I raise our wonders AND as I coach parents and families through struggles in my role as a school counselor.

Many people think children (especially children out of the foster system) just need love but what they need almost MORE than that love is BOUNDARIES. Someone to help them regulate their brains, their emotions and their bodies in a safe environment. I heard at a counseling conference that parenting always takes two hands – the hand of compassion AND the hand of restraint. Sometimes these boundaries look like a firm “no” but sometimes they look like allowing your child to struggle and to fail, in order for them to learn valuable lessons they will need as they move towards adulthood. And now as I parent myself, I understand why the parents I have worked with as a counselor struggle with this. When their pain is your pain, how can you sit back and watch the pain happen.

And especially now with those professional experiences and now with personal ones, I feel more passionate about the need for this restraint and this allowing of them to “hate you.” These lessons are what they will remember in the long run. You are not just creating happy children NOW – you are inspiring creative problem-solvers for the FUTURE when you allow them to navigate the hardships on their own (with your guiding hand and your loving and safe self to fall back on of course).

Tomorrow’s quote….tensions are rising (hint hint).

Quotes I live by (Tuesday)

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Clean your own porch before you start on someone else’s (quote by a very wise GU volleyball camp director)

*This quote’s context was all about players not “coaching” and critiquing teammates’ on the court during play, but as I say often, volleyball is a metaphor for life and nothing could compare more strongly then THIS quote in THIS social/political climate RIGHT NOW.*

This one is pretty self-explanatory but again, I come back to it often when I have strong feelings that pop up either about something I see someone else do or say OR when I start perusing social media and hard, critical thoughts pop into my train of thought. How I combat these thoughts is by swiftly trying to “clean up my own porch” by thinking about my own past, my own actions and identifying what I could do to change/improve.

This self-awareness exercise has helped me in a number of situations (social media during the presidential campaign anyone???) and above all, lessens the strong feelings enough to move on. Not that I am a bold enough person to say many critical things of others that often anyway (unless you’re my volleyball players…..then…..well that’s the only way were gonna get better girls!!!!), but again, I don’t even like having the toxic thoughts and energy that judgement brings so I try to sweep them right out of up there as quickly as I can.

Hump day quote coming up tomorrow…..right from my grandmother’s sweet (and blunt) heart to yours.

Quotes I live by (Monday)

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Along this winding road of 34 (almost 35!) years, there have been a few quotes spoken or read that have stuck out to me as not only useful, but rocks of truth that I find myself coming back to time and time again. I thought I would share those thoughts/quotes this week to document them into the permanency of blogland and as usual, potentially pass along the inspiration to someone else that could use it.

Love is a verb – Stephen Covey
Love DOES – Bob GoffAlthough this quote is more of a cluster of little quotes with similar meanings – I love all that it implies. That love is a moving, breathing thing. It changes from season to season and looks different in each and every relationship it shows up in. It’s not just a warm, fuzzy feeling but that true love is in actions. I also remember reading from Bob Goff that as much as love DOES, it also DOESN’T. The importance of saying no and setting boundaries is just as important as what you say yes to. I come back to this so much, especially now with a busier “mama” schedule. We try to limit our activities, especially on weekends to recover and reset for our weeks that add stressors to my Wonders’ hearts/brains and to our relationships.

One other interpretation of this quote is that “love is work.” That work is hard, that work is tiring, and that work will kick your behind from one side of hell to another. And the real, actionable kind of love keeps putting the work in, even when you really really don’t want to (yes kind of true in relationship to marriage/romantic relationship struggles but this quote seems much more applicable to me in raising little humans into what are supposed to be successful, empathetic adults).

Stay tuned this week for more quotes….some of the true foundational pieces of how I live/choose my humble little life.

 

Oily kids for the win

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I love how much using essential oils with our wonders has empowered them to tackle both their physical and emotional struggles on their own without having to rely on medications.  The other cute part is how passionate they have become in sharing with others and helping me “teach.”

​​(WonderBOy sharing how he’s packing his keychain for school – heart eye emoji for days)
Want in on this action? I have a few rollerballs and spray goodies left over from a craft fair a few weeks back. If you know a new mama that could benefit from some of these, please message me and I’ll hand them over for a discounted price than what we sold them for previously. PS lots of people have raved to me about the tushy spray. Get one while they last!

Happy birthday WB!!!!

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9 years ago my little man came into this world….3 years ago he bounced/raced/collided into our life and changed it forever. (Photos gifted to us by bio Grandmother after disclosing how much of a trigger birthdays are for WB. This baby books gets looked at nightly heading into a birthday….so grateful she gave it to us.)

On continuing education….

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…for this trauma mama journey I’m on. This podcast is an awesome weekly reminder to keep practicing small steps in a completely overwhelmingly large journey towards trust and healing through relationship with our kiddos. 

Based off of the Trust Based Relational Intervention approach by Dr. Karen Purvis (TBRI), I love how calm these speakers are and how easy some of their suggestions can be. Shorter episodes, huge content…..great for family members AND educators and anyone working with children. Even without trauma, these practices are just good solid parenting skills. Hope you’ll check it out!


Quote from the above episode that I love love love: “Healing is always disruptive and always has side effects you don’t want.” Let’s get our messy healing on shall we???

on my “why”….

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I’ve had a few people ask me lately about all of the different things I do and how busy/hard-working I must be….so I thought I would share a little bit about my very intentional purposes in CHOOSING (because I don’t like the term “too busy”) what I engage in and the amazing people I get to engage WITH along the way.

As a counselor, I am in love with the concept and reality of each person having a story. Stories that involve relationships, ups and downs, milestones and miseries, and everything in between. And the more I learned about and experienced these stories first hand or through my profession, I became obsessed intrigued by the stigma around all things “hard” in those stories. We, as Americans, have a really hard time talking about our struggles…..as if those struggles = failure. The stigma around mental health in particular is one that I am passionate about. Both in my field of counseling, but also in my newer passion of natural wellness through essential oils – I am driven to break down these walls and invite people to openly share struggles with ALL steps of their journey. We are usually fairly open about physical ailments, but the relational, mental, and emotional struggles have an entire set of different “social norms” that hurt us by keeping them hidden.

Mamas, in particular, have a hard time sharing struggles. It is all too easy to compare ourselves to the perfect Instagram Mamas and Pinterest inspiration and feel like we’re never doing enough. Along with that comes anxiety, depression and insecurities about our everyday lives. But by sharing those struggles with others, it opens up the opportunity to welcome and receive SUPPORT and help for those very struggles. And the ripple effect is that others feel open and honest in sharing their struggles too (the biggest way to combat social stigma is by sharing about your own – easier said than done of course).

So this is why I do what I do….bringing stories out of the dark and into the light, stepping out of my comfort zone to involve myself in others’ struggles to hopefully be helpful (or sometimes just to be available, no action needed), and every once in a while, empowering kids and parents with tools they might need to relieve even just a fraction of a struggle…..victory and miracle achieved.Feel free to follow along on my RootedWELL Instagram page – right now there’s a super cute video of WonderBOY filling up his oils keychain for school (melt my heart). All things family wellness posted there…..

On settling in….

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Starting from scratch decorating a room is a great way to carry out any vision (okay more like Joanna Gaines vision but whatever).  Redecorating or changing a room is where I get stuck because everything coordinating is a must for my eyes. Loved being able to insert furniture pieces and decore that I love staring at in our upstairs space (Mama’s sanctuary) little by little.*Most furniture came from Wilsons in Ferndale. Love that place. 

*Clock from Grandflora in Lynden. 

*Decor mostly from Hobby Lobby. Someone save me if this store comes to Bellingham and I have easier access. 

Just when you think…..

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you’re doing pretty good at this parenting kids from hard places gig…..

  • felt safety: making the child feel boundaries and safety even when afraid – check
  • give the child choices and control – check
  • make them feel heard – we have nightly talk times to make sure they process all of the feelings from their days – check
  • increasing gratitude by talking about it and praising their behaviors/efforts often – check
  • advocate for them, especially in school when successes happen differently than for other students – check
  • gaining tools and training as parents so that we can provide the best care possible for our child – check
  • understanding their behavior as strengths they possessed to stay safe in their previous trauma and to choose our battles in discipline – check

AND even then….your child from a hard place can still break your heart into a million pieces and send you into a delirious, anxious, basket case by running away from your safe home and changing the course of your own felt safety as a parent forever and ever.

About a week ago, with my husband half a world away, I got a phone call at midnight from the police who had WonderGIRL at a gas station downtown after she escaped from our home (and the new dozens of windows and doors that we hadn’t thought we needed to alarm). First of all, I am super thankful that WG is pretty small, thus altering a concerned citizen to call the police about a “little girl walking in the dark.” Second of all, I am extremely proud of the police officers who didn’t believe WG’s first story claiming her previous last name and who her guardian was. They took extra effort in charging her dead cell phone and calling the person listed as Mama to reach me and although that phone call shook me to my core, I am thankful they found me at all.

I lived in fear and in tears for that entire first week….kept both kiddos in my room at night and barricaded the doors. I lost my patience at least 73 times a day as my fuse was short and the actual amount of time I could sleep was even shorter. I wondered how we would make it through these teenage years alive if her only complaint about our family was that “she had rules” would compel her to put herself into extreme danger without a thought in her head of another option during that particular day and night.

And now that we are a week out with my husband who flew home early from his mission trip, a ton of prayers gifted to us from our inner-circle tribe, and a team of devoted mental health professionals and doctors that have spoon-fed me next steps – I am at a place to give up this situation to my greater power and trust that HE will HAVE to take this on, because I, alone cannot prevent everything harmful from happening to my not-so-little WonderGIRL. She has to go through the lectures and the restrictions…..she has to endure the extra security system on her doors and windows and the safety plan of escorts at her school…..she has to feel guilty about seeing her parents in tears more than ever before…..and all in my hopes that she will remember this experience as one she never wants to repeat again.

I am sure I will have more to process on this later – but I appreciate your supportive words and prayers offered through my Facebook page and you continued love and support for our little, messy family as we navigate new, deep, and treacherous waters. Although I am grieving the loss of an innocence I once believed my WonderGIRL to have, I also know I need to grow right alongside her and widen my understanding of her brain and trauma so I can keep her safe and guide her towards a productive life in the future. I also have faith that we will get to look back at this experience and remember how far we have come…..together.