2 years as Team HB!!!

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Although this week is a bit crazy, we love looking back on our super lovey, super fun adoption day. Our hopes on this day were BIG….that our Wonders would feel content and fulfilled in our forever family and that the fear of abandonment would diminish by each passing day. And we have grown so much in this effort, yet (per usual), my timeline has needed to be adjusted for growth on their terms and not what my big hopes and dreams mapped out for them.

Each year during this week, their bodies and minds just “know”…..they have big scary nightmares and are constantly on edge. Even though in our hearts, this is one of the happiest memories we hold dear…..for them, it was a scary jump into an unknown that we are so proud they took. Each day I am grateful they trusted us with their forever….

Two nights ago, WonderGIRL and BraveGIRL surprised us by performing an originally written song they have been working on for weeks. Check my facebook page for the video (with permission to post), but their words pictured below are everything to me. Love them so so so much.

On the crisis of childhood…

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I have seen and experienced a lot in my years of school counseling and then recently, in my interactions with my own children and others in our community. And what I know for certain is that kiddos are struggling now more than ever. Epidemics of anxiety, suicidal ideation, and mental health struggles are one on the rise and our school counselors, teachers and mental health professionals are working OVERTIME to help the overwhelming number of kiddos dealing with these issues.

I have been asked multiple times “why” this might be….many people like to place blame on broken families, divorce, unstable jobs, drugs, and alcohol but I have some different theories that I thought maybe I would try to put into words here on my blog. My theory is not placing blame but instead highlights something that we are not developing in our kiddos from a very young age (and sometimes for very good reasons) – and that THING is that we are not encouraging and developing our kiddos’ ability to THINK.

To think is to pay attention to the ongoing narrative inside of our brains. To think is to sit and ponder something WITHOUT automatically getting the answer from someone (or google/Alexa/Apple Watch, etc.). To think is to problem solve. To think is to calm ourselves down. Thinking is not just for academic subjects but should be happening each waking moment. But if you were to ask today’s nation of kids “when do you think” – they will most likely say…..in class/school. To which I try to educate them in that they are THINKING all of the time. Those are not VOICES inside of your head that magical fairies put there…..that is your brain and it the most powerful tool you have to stay safe, thrive, and have healthy relationships. But in order to use it as a tool, you have to KNOW it is there and pay attention!!! And in order to know it is there and pay attention, you have to STOP and listen.

Our society as a whole, including this huge generation of kiddos are pretty terrible at one thing – stopping. And when we don’t stop, we don’t listen. We don’t pay attention. We don’t brainstorm alternative solutions. We don’t always choose empathy and compassion. We don’t proceed with caution…..instead we proceed with blazing, dangerous full speed ahead, no matter what is in our path.So how do we fix this? What do we do within our families and our schools to help our children develop these SKILLS (yes skills, not natural God-given IQ, brain power)? What can parents do? School systems? I will go into this on part 2 of this blog post later this week…..if you have any thoughts or wonderings about this topic, please feel free to leave comments or questions. I would love to see them!!!

On moving on…

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Fall is here and I am ready….mostly because I am pretty pumped September is outta here!!! We went through some stressful times in our fam last month so we are ALL ready to move onward and upward together!!!

We had one week in particular in September that was nothing short of a steaming hot mess. While walking hand in hand with each kiddo through that in their own ways, me and WG stopped to name all the bad stuff and then also all the good stuff we could think of. And admidst the mess, there was so much to be thankful for. I’d thought I would share a few of those bright spots here:

1. This manWe are bonded through battle….becoming a united front and navigating this parenting kids from hard places gig has stretched our relationship in ways we could have never done on our own. I am grateful to him everyday that he said yes and continues to say yes to the chaos showered over us daily.

2. This teamI am the luckiest coach to show up everyday and teach/guide these young women to be the best versions of themselves and team they can be. They are ridiculously funny, loving and hard working and it’s resulted in an undefeated season so far and a few more celebrations are sure to be on the horizon for this squad.

3. My new positionThis new “systems” level work in my district has been a whole new world for me as I’ve been so used to working directly with students day in and day out. I am starting to appreciate the process as much as the outcome (this is challenging for me to wait for as many of you know). It has been just what my mom heart needed to not have my compassion and patience stretched so thin at school that I couldn’t be the best mother I needed to be at home. I am very proud of the work our team has been working on and can’t wait to see the potential play out for our students, families and community!

I challenge you to start this new month with gratitude….and if anyone would like to join me in prayers for some of the lessons learned in September buying us at least one month of calm in October, Team Hoelzle-Brown would greatly appreciate it. ??????

On Wondergirl’s new school

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For multiple years, we have been contemplating that public education might not be the best fit for our WonderGIRL. And not because I don’t fully believe in the public education system, because I completely do (as its one of my biggest life purposes and passions). But the education system, as it stands right now, automatically assumes that the age and grade of child determines what they are capable of. And with WG and so many other kiddos with significant trauma, this is not the case. Much research actually shows that children coming from significant trauma are about HALF their age in social and emotional development. Imagine having an 8 year old go to school with high school freshmen and sophomores…..ack!!!!After WG was not able to keep herself safe and out of harm’s way freshmen year at our public high school, we decided to try a small private school setting here in town. Being in a classroom with only 12 students and ONE teacher all day long is such a good fit for her. Less peers to be distracted by and less adults to manipulate and students that are a little more “her speed” when it comes to social and emotional problem solving. Although there are other challenges and setbacks with this choice as always, so far we are happy with our decision and WG is really trying to rise to our expectations of her.Parenting WG has been by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done. And not because her behaviors and challenges are big and scary but because I am having to change and release my own hopes and dreams for how much her story will be changed in the relatively short time we have had her. I am in a true grieving process right now…..what if she doesn’t change? What if she never learns about cause and effect? What if she always walks to that van of puppies and accepts the invitation to come inside??? Every core of my being believes that kids and people can change with the right supports and the right teaching….but the drastic changes that are needed with this one might not get there before we lose her to 18 and what will most likely be a desperate need to be out on her own. Many outsiders looking in see her for what I hope people always see in her….joy, energy, compassion, helpfulness…..but underneath there is significant brain damage from a traumatic birth journey and even more significant emotional damage from a significant abuse history.

So I am choosing to rewrite the story of parenting her and rewriting my own goals and dreams and wishes for her future……and learning to be okay in that editing process. Being okay with a future that might look different than what I thought for her…..and fighting for all the supports and therapy and healing that we can fit in the next two years while she is with us in our unconditional and loving home.Picture above of me and my girls….reminding me to look inside at their hearts….filled with love, but filled with a million little holes poked by a million different hurts that all of my love and effort and affirmations leak out of on a daily/hourly/second basis. So we start again like we do every morning…..looking to plug one hole so that another one shows itself for tomorrow. Time to go to work…..

On #couplegoals

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Like many other women these days, I have been drinking up the Rachel Hollis Kool-aid, complete with reading her book, consuming all of her online content and listening to her new podcast with her husband. She is a force of a woman and I love that about her. I also appreciate her intentional moves with her husband to connect and plan their life….something that’s been nagging at my heart and our marriage for a while as we navigate a new life with 3 older children.Once I thought through some of the latest squabbles in our relationship, so many of them came from little misunderstandings about our busy schedule. Honoring your partner’s need for hobbies, and interests and yes their own life AND getting all the kids to all the things is a tricky balance. I love Rachel’s suggestion of sitting down each Sunday and going through the week…we are one month into this new adventure and it’s been a great connecting point at the end of each weekend and has made our weeks (filled with three different school schedules, my volleyball schedule, and Scott’s hunting) feel a little bit smoother.We have also been trying to get a monthly date night in starting this summer and hopefully continuing….making this an effort will not only improve our own connection, but also show our kiddos who are starting to be interested in romantic relationships a positive model of respect and pursuing your partner, even as adult married (yet still independent) humans.

One conversation we held during a date night during the summer was setting our VALUES as a couple. I thought I would document those here (just in case we lose our way and the only way back is to google search my blog for important life contents).

Scott and Patti’s Relationship Values (in no particular order of importance):
1. Quality time together – yearly vacations, building downtime into weekends (saying no to all the invites)
2. Communication about conflict/feelings – we don’t keep things under wraps and we don’t allow our children to let things go “unresolved” (we also resolve our conflict in front of our children….hoping they see the problem solving, grace, and forgiveness involved in a true relationship)
3. Personal Growth – we believe in therapy, we believe in personal growth books, we believe in moving forward and becoming better selves
4. Pursuit of passions – each of us has passions outside of our family and we support each other in time away to enjoy those things
5. Traditions/Celebrations – we love yearly chances to celebrate family moments and we do so, unapologetically…..live-a-versaries, forever family days, birthdays, behavior improvement rewards, etc.Have you tried this with your partner or children?? It turned out to be a great conversation and led me to do some analyzing about how we spend our time and whether or not that REALLY matched up with the values we agreed upon. Happy Thursday everyone!

August recap

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Wow. A whole month has gone by and I haven’t posted!!!! August was a fun month filled with last chance summer trips, together time and prepping for school/volleyball.

Here are a few shots to sum it all up:

While September is in full swing and our calendar is filled with all sorts of goodness, posts to come include a new adventure for WonderGIRL, some intentional steps in our marriage, and some thoughts on the hard job of growing up. Intention is my focus for September and that includes what I document here in this space…..hope you are having a great transition to Fall my friends!

On our wedding song….

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Our first dance song during our wedding was probably one that only a few in the room/barn knew but one that was super impactful for me for many many years. “A Page is Turned” by Bebo Norman is sung by an artist that my girlfriends and I met on a Young Life trip to Malibu in high school and became an obsession for all of us and me well Into my college years and beyond (his Pandora station is one of my faves). I had always thought it would be the perfect wedding song before I had a partner to marry and then as I was planning our special day with Scott and listened to the lyrics, my eyes were filled with tears on how perfect and God-orchestrated the words were for us and our story filled with storms and preparing “the one to hold (us) up when (we) come undone”.

A page is turned by the wind to a boy in curly grin
With a world to conquer at the age of ten
But as history unfolds and the storybook is told
He finds salvation but not at the hands of man
And the God of second chance
Picked him up and He let him dance
Through a world that is not kind
And all this time, preparing him, the one
To hold him up when he comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And now a man, here you stand
Your day has come
A page is turned in this world to reveal a little girl
With a heart that’s bigger, as it is unfurled
By the language in her soul, that’s teaching her to grow
With a careful cover of love that will not fail
And the God of second chance
Picked her up and He let her dance
Through a world that isn’t kind
And all this time, preparing her the one
To hold her up when she comes undone
Beneath the storm, beneath the sun
And grown up tall, here you are
Your day has come
Beneath the air of autumn, she took him by the hand
And warm beneath the ardor, she took his heart instead
And high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand….just for her hand

 A page is turned in this life, he’s making her his wife
And there is no secret to the source of this much lifeWhen the grace falls like rain is washing them again
Just a chance to somehow rise above this land

Where the God of second chance
Will pick them up and He’ll let them danceThrough a world that is not kind
And all this time, they’re sharing with the one
That holds them up when they come undoneBeneath the storm, beneath the sun
And once again, here you stand
And once again, here you stand
Your day has come

To Scott….thank you for always holding me up when I’ve come undone. And dancing with me through all the storms and all the sun. One day more and one day less…..until there are no more days to count. I love you.

On craving community….

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It’s amazing to me that even though I love being social and outgoing and all that jazz…..staying at home and hunkering down into routine is always a default mode. Especially with kiddos, sometimes its just easier to “chill at home” then make the effort to get out and see other people.

But then we do that and I love it so much….being in community with others makes me crave more community with others. And at this season in our life, it doesn’t always have to be a big fancy dinner (although I do love that) or something hugely entertaining for the kiddos (although that’s an added bonus so we don’t have to hear “mom” every 10 seconds)….it just has to be us out of our house, out of a normal routine and connecting with others while we’re at it.

Moral of the story – text me and lets hang out!!!!! Oh….until August 20th. Then its volleyball season and ain’t nobody got time for a social life when there are games to be won. ?

Helllooooo August!!

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Soooo….just to be real transparent, August 1st kind of gives me a panic attack. School starts back again, tons of meetings, and volleyball tryouts are right around the corner!! Every year, I have to try and settle my self-talk down about the 2-3 weeks I have RIGHT NOW to relax, enjoy time with my family, camp and relax a bit….but the looming 2-3 weeks after that kinda freak me out.

This year, I am starting a new position, WonderGIRL is starting a new school, and life will just look and feel a bit different….which is both exciting and challenging all at once. So my goal this August is to just be in the present, have some courageous confidence about the role I’m stepping into, and try to transform my panic into preparedness for the Fall and thus, into excitement for what is to come!!!I already shared this graphic on my social media, but I really do love it. In all areas of my life whether it’s my chosen profession or a few of my little fun side hustles, I hope to have a purpose when showing up to all of them, including parenting my littles. Sometimes, the purpose feels big and world-shaking, other times it feels super intimate and inside family walls only….but I like that divergent part of our world and our tribe…keeps things from getting too boring around here.And just to end this post but start August on a CUTE note, look at Rexie Roo cuddled up on my legs. Not quite a lap cat YET…..but baby steps (right after this flash went off, he realized he was being somewhat cuddly and nice and quickly abandoned ship…..grrrrr).

Parents of teens support group….

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I’ve seen (and commented on) multiple posts of parents of teenagers reaching out for support and community. And while I totally FEEL that all over the place and hope to make a splash in this arena through my future job at FSD, it just doesn’t seem to be an available option right now.

But until then….this podcast is seriously a MUST LISTEN!!!! Every episode is real, insightful and you walk away with real tactics or mindsets shifts you can use right away with your teens. The show is based on a real life moms relationship with her sons (who committed suicide three years ago) therapist. Her fire was lit to help save other teens from that outcome and talks each week with an amazing counselor (y’all know I’m hard on counselors typically) on how to connect with your tween/teen in the most vulnerable years of their life.

Check out the podcast now!!!! (Also perfect to listen en route to your family vacay WITH your spouse while the kiddos have their headphones on)

Hint: the “DM episodes” are quick snippets of them answering listeners’ questions and you can listen to them in any order.

The real episodes might be better in order as the beginning episodes really build on each other.