Category Archives: Team HB life

On our recent grief

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On February 20th, I posted the following to my Facebook page:

In a matter of two weeks, so much of my world and my identity that I’ve worked very hard for has been questioned and threatened in ways I never imagined. 
My role as a mom, systems that are supposed to protect, my job, my sports program…..our family and me (along with a whole group of educators) could use some prayers right now to stay afloat. ? So much loss and uncertainty has been hard on all the hearts of Team Hoelzle Brown. 
I don’t usually post this stuff but maybe a little more “messy” on social media feeds will normalize the hard seasons of life and break down some walls between reality and online presences. 
And thank you to our helpers and our support system – I so appreciate you, your words, your check ins and your space when we need it.

And here we are on May 16th and I’m still struggling to put into words what has happened in our family (well and this world with a global pandemic happening) over the course of the past 4 months. There is a part of me that deeply wants to document the pains, the hurts, the injustice we encountered and the lessons learned here but also feel hesitation and don’t want to shame the loved ones involved.

So if you have been wondering, here is a readers’ digest version of our roller coaster the past few months –
1. (Week 1) Allegations were made that put our family in an open CPS and police investigation. This resulted in WonderGIRL not living with us due to a mandated safety plan. And resulting in an uncertain future for both our employment and her remaining in our care. (Identity as Mom and mandated reporter in question)
2. (Week 2) I was notified that my district position was eliminated due to a failed levy in our school district. A position that I am SUPER passionate about and know in my bones is a positive move for our community and for children in general. That same failed levy also put my next volleyball season at risk. (Identify as professional and coach threatened to be removed)
4. (Month 2) Then our state closed and schools closed and all of these traumatized and fragile beings were forced got to be in a house together 24/7 (minus WG) and the pain and the ripple effects during this stay at home order has been complicated at best.
5. (Month 3) 90 days later, CPS determined our case was unfounded (which we already knew) and now we are working to rebuild what a “new normal” looks like within our home…..
6. (Month 4) as the entire world determines what the “new normal” looks like for living, education, and beyond.

And just the irony of this all, if you had checked out my RootedWELL instagram story just days before any of this tsuanami of trauma hit, I was reflecting on “bits and pieces of my life and my interactions all colliding for good and for a purpose that is on fire within me.” And NOW in hindsight I am now considering (not believing yet) that there might be lessons in this for me to use. For me to light my passion even more. And like it says in the picture above, for me to use to help and guide someone else’s survival story.

I read today in an amazing book that I’m reading, “You have to endure the wound in order to heal the pain.” That resonates with me and with the mission we have for WonderGIRL and our family moving forward in a big way…..we endured the wound and now we heal. Prayers and good wishes are continued to be needed and as usual, thank you to our circle of loved ones for the check-ins, the support, the drop everything and come keep me company visits – all so very much appreciated.

On this very day in 2020

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(copied from Facebook – not my writing)

Just so I NEVER forget….. April 2, 2020
Gas price a mile from home was $1.76
School cancelled – yes cancelled
Self-distancing measures on the rise.
Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other.
Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors.
Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.
Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.
Entire sports seasons cancelled.
Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events – cancelled.
Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings – cancelled.
No masses, Churches are closed.
No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 10 or less.
Don’t socialize with anyone outside of your home.
Children’s outdoor play parks are closed.
We are to distance from each other.
Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.
Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.
Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.
Shelves are bare.
Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.
Government closes the border to all non-essential travel.
Fines are established for breaking the rules.
Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.
Press conferences daily from the President.
Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths.
Government incentives to stay home.
Barely anyone on the roads.
People wearing masks and gloves outside.
Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.
Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.
This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.
Why, you ask, do I write this status?
One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.
We have so much!
Be thankful.
Be grateful.Be kind to each other – love one another – support everyone.
We are all one!

On our 2020 snow days

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In my opinion, these snow days were pretty perfect. The snow didn’t last all that long. People could still (for the most part) get out and get to work/appointments as needed. And from what I saw/read on social media, many mamas and families were taking some needed time to SLOW down, breathe and just be together. This reminder of forced “downtime” always reminds me to intentionally schedule it in when not forced by the weather….

Got some family photos in during a nice walk with the sunshine shining!!!

There were a few life habits that I started during Winter break that I was a bit worried about keeping going during the work week and honestly, having some of these snow days really helped me cement in a few things like:
1. drinking 1/2 my body weight in water ounces
2. started a 30-day cleanse
3. moving my body daily for at least 30 minutes
4. more board games/card games with my kiddos/Scott
5. all diffusers running with essential oils to calm our home

Loved seeing the snow contrasted with a few Christmas decorations still up!
My “grand central station” of coziness, reading, and personal development during the snow days (and my daily morning routine).

What about you? Any lessons you learned from snow days that you’re hoping to transfer to real life?

On my new toy

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As some of you know, me and fitness/exercise have somewhat of a complicated history. Because of some history with disordered eating and exercise, I have to be careful with this element of my wellness. What that has looked like in the past couple of years is a complete lack of motivation and any energy around my physical fitness, which has been nagging at me as I strive to be my best self.

While I do keep myself healthy with essential oils and moderation in eating habits, I have only actually sweat from physical activity less than 5 times this entire year (kind of embarrassing to admit as a COACH, but real all the same).

After some research and talking to trusted friends and loved ones that own a Peloton, I decided to save my oil gig paychecks for this beauty to grace our household and help me change this narrative of fitness in my world.

Even though I am posting this in the cloud of New Years’ Resolutions and what not, I am actually 3 weeks in and I am already quite in love and obsessed. The instructors are inspiring, funny, entertaining (makes me forget how hard I’m working). Everyone in my family can use it and enjoy the rides. I also love that I can throw on Netflix and take a scenic ride at the same time, which really appeals to my love of multi-tasking.

The Peloton company and app of course have everything dialed in as far as keeping you accountable and giving people with a competitive edge (me, enneagram 3 in full force here) goals, achievements and personal records to go after.

A lot of people have messaged me and asked how I like it so far and if you have any specific questions, just message me and I’d love to answer them. I really haven’t heard one negative thing about it (besides some not using it enough for whatever reasons….) from people that have had theirs much longer than me.

And of course, I have a referral code for $100 in free accessories if you’re interested in saving a bit of money when ready to jump to the dark side!!!

I am ready to take on some major fitness goals in 2020 (major, as in, break a sweat more than 5 times in a calendar year) with this tool….and will hopefully document that journey here when I can!!!

Team HB 2019 annual review

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This morning, our little crew took a trip to our local coffee shop to reflect together on our year and make big plans for 2020! We called it our annual review business meeting and even snagged the important meeting room to make it official.

For Scott and I, we reflected on this blog post to determine how far we made it on our goals. Turns out, we still have a lot of items still to check off and make more of so we’ll be continuing these efforts into 2020 (and maybe beyond that depending on the goal):

(From blog post)
“Some missing pieces that we’d like to change next year:
– being more intentional with how we’re showing love to our children (love languages, quality time, etc.)
– accept where they’re at
– commit to a trip together without kiddos
– attend a personal development conference together
– more transparency about mental health struggles in hopes that stigma goes down in families around us
– host more things at our house….we love our space and want more people in it with us!!!”

I also downloaded an awesome packet for both wonders from Big Life Journal and had them work on it together. The prompts and questions were easy for them to navigate while still digging deeper than a surface level conversation starter like “how was your year”? Plus it’s 25% off through Thursday the 2nd if you’re interested in doing this activity with your kiddos also!! Once they are finished, I will share some of their thoughts and writing to check back on later this year.

A little coloring action to highlight my 2019 word – VALUE.

My one little word this year was VALUE – although it didn’t resonate with me big time, when I took the time to reflect on the word and compare my daily actions or behaviors it really helped me stick to boundaries and priorities in my life. Read more about my 2019 word HERE. I can confidently say that my values of connection and growth were lived out on the daily in my life both personally and professionally this year – even when that connection or growth felt HARD and HEAVY.

We decided as a team this morning to keep checking in on these goals by having a “business meeting” each month to bring up our goals and reflect on our growth towards them. This is where having older kiddos has been so great for me – teaching goal-setting, growth mindset, and self-care to two kiddos who will NEED those things big time in their adult lives (plus how it helps the hubby and I right along with them).

Holiday highlights 2019

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3/4 of our big celebrations are complete – some favorite photos and few words to capture the memories.

WB and I trying to recreate my Aunts famous Chex mix.

Santa takes care of adults too.

My 17 turned 40 year old wanted knee high black heels and a high office chair.

Boy and screens.

Organizing her pile for the 28th time.

Red and green cheese plate while we played games on Christmas Day.

December already?!?!

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Oh my goodness this Fall season always seems to get away from me. Between volleyball and back to school and general life craziness, my commitment to blogging always goes away. But I do miss the posting and the chance to write out my thoughts so here’s the usual re-up in December of pictures and random musings by yours truly.

  • My one solid contribution – the cheese platter.
  • Aren’t they adorable????
  • Apple cup fun!
  • Some blazing rounds of Dutch Blitz – we are a tad competitive.

Thanksgiving was a great weekend where I got to see all of my brothers and spend a little down time watching football and eating lots of good food. I am beyond grateful for this crew in their flexibility this year…..they all dropped much of their schedule to help us with WonderGIRL’s spinal fusion surgery down at Children’s Hospital in Seattle and when that got delayed, we flipped the plans up to Ferndale without a hitch.

Now onto December and the holidays!!! In all honesty, I started decorating two weeks ago in anticipation of the surgery delaying things and I’m so glad I did. The cozy factor is in full effect in our house and I (and the cats) love it!

The cutest tree corner I ever did see.
WB found our tree this year!
Kitties approve.

We are still anxiously awaiting a phone call from Children’s to reschedule WG’s big surgery…..please send along prayers and good thoughts as she battles the constant anxiety and dread of when it will happen. It’s been a long time coming so the wait for the date (ha! new tagline) is a wee bit painful. Thank you to all of you who have reached out to check on her…..stay tuned for more details soon!

A few game-changers….

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I love when random things drop into my life and then poof! I can’t imagine what life was like before them….here are a few things (with links for discounts!) that have upleveled my work/home/foot/healthy eating game as of late.

Bombas socks have quickly become my favorite….the right amount of thickness and support so my feet don’t hurt after a day at work and practice. They just released these new “no-show” socks and I love them!!! But what I love the most is the mesh bag you can add on to your order to wash them in so you don’t lose them – genius!
Want some of your own? Click here to get 25% off your order!

A while back I was super interested in these Daily Harvest subscription boxes, that had proportioned smoothies and other meals ready to go. I love having a smoothie in the morning, but I could never keep up on having fresh fruit and greens in my fridge and ready to make quickly. Then my friend Amy posted about them and I quickly snagged my first box. I love how easy it is just to add liquid (I add half almond milk and half water), blend, pour back into the container and take with me to work!!!
I have a special code for you on this one as well – get $25 off your first box by clicking here. You will not regret trying this one out – I can’t wait for my second box to get here this week!

I know I am definitely late to the game on this one but an extended screen situation at my standing desk has been AWESOME!!! My poor eyes staring at my laptop for the past couple of years really needed an upgrade….lucky for me I found this ancient screen ready to go to surplus and I snagged it up. I have also been relying on my blue light blocking glasses to help with my headaches (my brain and body is still getting used to the new screen demands of my current position).

Do you use glasses like these? Mine are from https://ladybossglasses.com but many people have snagged them from Amazon too.

Any new game changers in your life??? Leave them below so I can go check them out – we all need to share our life hacks when we find them!!!

Summer thorns

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Summer can be a hard time for our crew….this summer brought a few extra transitions that were tough as well.

While we look super happy and loving in the above picture at our camping site pool, we are also sadly grieving that in this picture there is only 4 members of Team Hoelzle Brown. Our sweet BraveGIRL decided to move back with her biological sister and legal guardian (reuniting her also with her twin sister) a few days before this camping trip. We are happy for her but ultimately, do not agree its in her best interest to move back and really wish we could still guide and influence her life for a bit longer. We poured our hearts and time and love into her and hope and pray the two years of lessons, struggles and character improvements will last her into her adulthood.

This grief is tough because it’s unresolved. There is no ending, but a lot of wondering and questions and mixed feelings that will last for a while. It’s been tough for our littles, especially WonderBOY as he misses her deeply. Seeing her empty room filled with cats instead of clothes on the floor is hard each day. And yes, we still communicate with her and will continue to be in her life as long as she lets us. We got an enthusiastic call on her first day at her new high school excited about the year ahead, so I continue to be hopeful for her. We love her and have high hopes for her future and I trust that she knows that deep down inside and will always remember that.

If nothing else, this experience is stretching and preparing our hearts to foster other little ones as they move back and forth between their biological families and ours, navigating that deep love and deep grief with each new placement.

Each summer, we dive deep and hard into the waters of our kiddos’ traumas, doubling down on therapy when we have enough time and space to process and endure the resulting emotions and behaviors afterward. In particular, we are exploring the “why” of some of WB and WG’s triggers and behaviors…..listening to them unpack their childhood is excruciating to sit and listen to. I can’t imagine enduring that they had to which leads to deep sadness. But I also become overwhelmingly angry that I couldn’t protect them….that I don’t have a time machine to go back and take away the hurts and the deep wounds that I am now accepting might never change or be healed.

For instance, Scott/Daddy/my hubs is away hunting right now. Both of our kiddos are struggling with that and do every year around this time…typical children might be worried Dad is going to get hurt or an accident will happen and just a sadness of missing him.

But instead, both of my kiddos are stuck with this automatic fear that he will not return and even stated to our therapist “What if he doesn’t want to live here anymore?”. Insert my own heart breaking. Insert imagining what it’s like to be a 2 year old waking up in the morning, searching for a parent who is not there and lashing out at his 8 year old sister who is charged with being his caretaker…..insert tears and grief and Daddy creating voicemails assuring him he loves our home and him and will be returning so he can listen to it over and over when he needs reassurance.

So with some of that, we decided to “stay home” quite a lot this summer. We watched lots of Netflix, enjoyed our new air conditioned home, and hunkered down together. I am sooooo ready for the new school year and soooooo excited for my new volleyball team, which gets me up and out of bed in the morning and makes these thorns hurt a little bit less which I am grateful for.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words through some of our “hard” this summer…..we appreciate your love and understanding and encouragement through it all over the years.

Summer roses…

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When I’m working with students and we’re sharing in a group, I sometimes ask them to share both a rose and a thorn from their life. Making it acceptable to share both highs and lows from our personal worlds and connecting us with others in community.

Since its been a while, here are a few roses from our summer…

  • Beautiful couple, the most beautiful venue, and our new complete fam!!
Old Settlers weekend with our whole crew made my Ferndale heart VVEEERRRYYY happy.
  • Trailer life is the best life.
  • Trying out KOA camping – we like!!!
My gritty crew dominating at the WSU team camp and tournament!!!
  • WG and her best friend were inseparable this summer!!!
  • Fair day!
This dreamy little cabin was the best 7th anniversary date!!! We will definitely be heading back here for another weekend getaway soon!

Next post up will be sharing a few thorns we endured this summer!! I do really miss writing and sharing our family’s highs and lows here….I am in a weird stage of grief right now which is having me stuck and not writing but hopefully I’ll break out of that soon. Happy start of Fall everyone – my favorite season of the WHOLE year!!!