This bike and app has gotten me through one of the darkest years I’ve experienced so far.
Working out in short bursts by myself at home is the key combo for me….someone prone to disordered exercise, calorie counting and shameful body comparison. I am sad it has taken me so long to figure it out but am grateful to this little Peloton family I have cultivated to join me on rides and celebrate the milestones with!!!
I have exercised more days than not this year which I can’t say has really happened since college!!!
These two little guys were rescued from a no-good, ugly situation (thank you Rescue Pet Vet) and since our family is pretty good at accepting and loving on siblings from no-good, ugly situations….we couldn’t pick just one and separate them.
Introducing Hamilton and Hallford – our Wonders’ first last names and part of what makes M and T so special and so strong. We wanted to honor that piece of their world as well as their first Mom Maria Hallford who passed away earlier this year.
And yes we now have 4 cats. And yes I’m a crazy cat lady. And yes they’re going camping with us. I think that covers all the questions….
Scott adds: “And yes I was as surprised as you are.” (hehe he was on shift – we went for one, came home with 2!)
OOF – I was NOT prepared for how hard it was going to be to support WonderGIRL’s recovery at home from this procedure. Up all night, trying to manage the excruciating pain and pain meds, and the needs of other members of our family was something I am sure newborn parents know the demands of, but we had never experienced.
Luckily, brother and Dad were great helps in keeping her brain distracted from the pain (shows she binged: Vampire Diaries (again), The New Girl, Julie and the Phantoms) and going on walks in the sunshine.
The care and exchanges that happened during this time were so powerful for WG to attach to me….something that hadn’t happened in 6 years of her living with us. Many do not know, but WG has suffered from reactive attachment disorder for most of our time together – meaning she very easily trusts and attaches to most humans, but hasn’t to us, her caregivers and especially me, her mother. Up until this point, she hasn’t come to me for help when needed, doesn’t miss me when away, and doesn’t actively seek out any affection or attention from me.
The bonds that happened during this recovery were just what she needed to feel tethered to me and on the first day I went back to work in-person, I got many text messages “missing me.” She even told me after work that she thought something was wrong with her because she “thought about me all day.” We got to explain that this was actually normal for children and similar to what a toddler feels when being dropped at childcare for the day. I am grateful for this surgery in giving us all chances to heal and move forward.
A few progression pics from her one-month follow up appointment and scar healing:
This is “Mocha”, WG’s Higgy Bear, a present we found for her on the day of her one-month check up. She named him Mocha, in honor of the winner of the nurse milkshake competition. We got her a monkey, since she was telling all nurses that she wanted to get a pet monkey when she grows up while under the influence of her pain meds.
Upon returning home, a dip in the hot tub was the first “cleared” adventure.
Thank you all of your love and check-ins on her progress. We are still amazed at the freedom that this procedure has given her….and can’t wait to see her mobility and flexibility grow and grow in the months and years ahead.
After almost 8 hours in surgery, our surgeon came out to let me know that everything went smoothly with the procedure….and what an amazing procedure it is – 2 rods and 22 screws later!
I’m still in awe!
I will say, WonderGIRL coming down from the anesthesia was filled with scary delusions and statements. I am glad I was assertive in asking I be there for this process (they usually don’t let parents in until the patient is all the way lucid) as her past abuse and trauma coming out would have been handled differently by nurses if I had not been there to assure her safety.
That day was also filled with some pretty cute and funny statements.
The following days in the hospital were HARD – she was emotional, in pain, and scared. With only me being there, I didn’t have anyone to “tag in” to the room to support her which was taxing at best. We are so grateful to the nurses in the hospital – they were amazing with WG and participated in her milkshake competitions with joy. `
As soon as WG was out of surgery, she was even asking for Nurse Amy (from the clinic) when barely lucid. Here is a pic with Nurse Amy 2 days after surgery:
Recovery from this surgery is intense – sitting up on day 1 and walking on day 2!! This video of her walking and the amazing nurse guiding her gives me all the proud mama feels….here is a peek at what her scar looks like on Day 3:
On day 4, WG had met all of her post-surgical goals and we got the okay to go home (after leaving with what felt like half the pharmacy at Children’s). As you can imagine, the 1.5 hour ride home with a spinal fusion surgical patient in the passenger seat was a nervous one for me, the driver. About halfway home, our moon roof window IMPLODED and sounded like a bomb went off on top of our car….anxiety times 100 for the rest of the drive home (also….so many pot holes in our neighborhood – sorry sis!).
We arrived home in tears but was quickly encouraged with an outpouring of love from our loved ones….
Next up – recovery at home and how it has impacted our relationships.
WonderGIRL was originally scheduled to have this Spinal Fusion Surgery in November of last year….due to the Children’s Hospital having some mold issues, the surgery was postponed (then Covid, then more mold….then we got a date)!
WG’s scoliosis had progressed to the point of needing surgery (see above x-ray) which you can imagine caused a huge amount of anxiety for her. Any major medical procedure is, of course, cause for anxiety, but for a childhood victim of sexual abuse – the vulnerability of being under anesthesia while strangers “fixed” your body really took a lot of counseling sessions and pep talks to even agree to the surgery. Even when she brought this fear up to her surgeon, the doctor’s response of “You won’t even remember it” did not appease the anxiety at all, instead, it multiplied the fear.
I documented the entire journey on my Instagram stories here if you want to peek – I’ll share a few highlights throughout my blog posts as well.
We had to go down to Seattle the day before for her Covid test and stayed in a hotel nearby….saying goodbye to little bro and Dad were hard (only 1 parent was allowed in the hospital due to Covid) but we tried to have a calm night before heading in early to her procedure.
She was so incredibly brave the morning of, amidst many tears…here she is waiting for the anesthesiologist to come in at 6am in the morning.
I was dragging my feet for quite a bit preparing for school this Fall. Like many of us, the stress of not knowing so many factors really stunted my excitement level that is usually in OVERDRIVE during this back to school season. Here are a few ways I lit a fire under my own behind to prepare our home, our hearts and our fridges for back to school.
Up first, our mindset. I am working really hard to speak and think positively about the school year. I am colleagues and friends with 100’s of educators literally putting in hours to make this year a successful one filled with all the joys of in-person school as well as the benefits to a child’s social, emotional and academic growth. I want my kiddos to be excited about this new opportunity as well and be overwhelmingly thankful for what their teachers are providing to them.
Bitmojis are all the craze right now with educators but my Wonders loved creating their own. With working and schooling from home, we also created some door signs signifying when it’s okay for family members to enter during the day. Hoping these prevent some WonderBOY zoom bombs during my meetings (along with some creative switching around where zoom cameras are pointing).
One thing we struggled with last Spring was lunch getting too complicated (and honestly taking up too many dishes/uneaten leftovers, etc.). We are going back to food prep on Sundays where the kiddos can grab and go each lunch just as if they were packing their lunches before school. See picture above for our tubs (WB must have something from each bin and then can choose one extra/dessert).
Back to the counseling world means back to cheesy superhero costumes, amazing children’s books about feelings, and a whole school full of students and families to meet!
Oils and all the oils for this back to school transition. We have been relying on diffusers in our work stations and rollerballs like the ones above not only to keep us healthy but mostly to keep our emotions in check during this time. I have loved hosting this workshop for others too who are feeling all the feels during this time. You get this set for FREE when hosting (all you have to do is invite some peeps to a fun online class and I do all the rest). Reach out if you’re interested!!!
Many of my teacher friends have reached out asking what oils are in my “distance learning” survival kit so I created this pic below with my daily must-haves and thought you might want to peek too!!!
I know many of you have been working hard to set up learning spaces in your home. I created this short video for our school district with a ton of great ideas if you need some further inspiration!!!
Wishing you the best of luck this Fall!! It is my hopes to get to writing a bit more so hopefully some other inspiring ideas will be flowing out of this space…..TAKE CARE!
Although the summer wasn’t fully what we expected – with the Pandemic, most places and activities were shut down (including volleyball for the first time ever – how strange to truly have the summer off!).
But camping was still on the agenda (for us and everyone else in the nation it seems as well based on how busy all campgrounds were!). So in August, we set off for Yellowstone with a bunch of fun stops along the way. Because of the year we had endured so far, all 4 members of Team Hoelzle Brown were ready for some quality time together both in the car, in the trailer and exploring new places.
10 days in our home away from home!
We created some intentions early and our mantra for the trip was “KNOW BETTER, GROW BETTER”. We used this trip for some study materials in the car, interesting journal prompts, and a chance for us to restore and grow our relationships in a better direction (a few of them took some major hits early in the year).
Here are a few highlights –
Stopping to explore any place we wanted!
Pool time every where we could find it!
Roadside stops and breaths.
We set a goal of 100 miles walked/hiked and completed it on the last day!
Such beautiful scenery!
I was that mean Mom that made our kiddos do some learning in the car – we used these workbooks intentionally to fill in our some gaps of learning including some math and a whole lot of “real life” knowledge (that even I needed to grow better in as well).
We had friends and family along our road trip route that we couldn’t pass up the chance to see and catch up with. Here are a few of our fave meet ups!
We love the Englers!
My bestie from college!
Dennison crew.
Cousin Shelby!
Floating adventure.
A few places that we definitely want to return to on a future road trip include: – Fairmont Resort in Montana (hot spring pools, water slide, RV park, and some pool side drinks for the parents) – WSU (yearly pilgrimage perhaps?) – Missoula – hike the M (or was it W?) and loved the KOA there!
Meeting the bears.
Ferdinands!
One of my favorite stops!
Anniversary date at the Coug.
By the time we made it home, we already started planning next year’s adventure – I am so very grateful we have our trailer this summer (and beyond for this Fall and Winter while we’re still shut down from sports and other activities) to still create such special memories.
And I say first, because we have already started planning our next trip back!!
Day (night)1 highlights – Gibbon Falls date night (since the kiddos were both asleep), Artists Paintpots loop (loved this one!), grizzly and bison sightings and Firehole loop. Excited for a full day in the park tomorrow!
Day 2 Yellowstone adventures – Old Faithful, Grand Prismatic and all sorts of other beautiful scenery (including Scott gazing at elk more romantically than he looks at me).
Day 3 Yellowstone highlights – Norris Geyser Basin, south rim trail of Grand Canyon of YS, mammoth springs and a quick stop to play in the river while Kenz and her sore back rested after a LONG but beautiful day.
Here are a few other highlights from my over-instagramming during these couple of days….
Plan for next trip – more hikes!
The wait was worth it for this!
Hehe….
We can’t wait to go back once WonderGIRL’s back is in better shape – and if you’re reading this and planning a trip….my BIG recommendation would be to download the GYPSY app. It acts as a tour guide in the car with some Yellowstone information but also gives you some travel tips along the way – both myself and the kiddos loved this part and it works at all national parks!
We also loved exploring the town of West Yellowstone as well and did a little shopping, eating, hanging out at Lake Hepgen throughout our time here. What a wonderful pitstop on this epic road trip adventure and hopefully we’ll get back here as soon as we can!
There has been a LOT of emotions surrounding WonderGIRL’s 18th birthday….not just recently because of the sudden loss of her first mother a month ago….but we have been talking about this transition for the past YEAR in therapy. Since WG doesn’t have many peers in the same life season or with the same life history as she does, her frame of reference for what being “an 18 year old” actually looks like is largely based on fantasy, movie/tv show reality, and a history of irresponsible people in her life who were supposed to be the “adults.”
We knew we had to be careful with how we talked about this transition and how we approached her emotions with it….but also how we scaffold what it does actually mean to be an adult and start assuming responsibility for parts of her life she can have some agency over.
We made a list of some “adulting adventures” to try out the week of her birthday (and had some great suggestions from FB so thank you circle of influence)….each day she resisted and tried to negotiate out of each one, but afterwards, I could see the pride in her heart and eyes with what she accomplished all on her own.
Adventure #1 – learning to navigate public transit using bus schedules and our iPhone. Also, returning product to a retail store.
Adventure #2 – PAPERWORK. WG applied for further disability support by going through her (very thick) medical and IEP files to find appropriate documents, then scanned and emailed to our social worker. She also called Children’s Hospital to check on the status of her survey and applied for a state ID card through the DMV. She thought this task was by far the most exhausting. All mamas agree!!
Adventure #3 – these two volunteered at the Food Bank in the morning and rode the bus home without an adult. Then we took the rest of the day to enjoy ourselves, pamper our bodies and treat ourselves to a fun night in a nearby hotel room. Self-care is something I have been very intentional in showcasing to her through easy and hard times in our family.
Adventure #4 – grocery shopping on a budget. WG was given $50 to buy breakfast/lunch supplies for a week as well as plan and cook a family meal for 4. Our taco feast this night was delicious and she did amazing at calculating how much she was spending each step of the way.
Adventure #5 – Mrs. Fix It! This was a suggestion from Facebook and honestly I needed the tutorial as well. Learning what each tool is for followed by the task of fixing a broken board in her bed. She surprised both parents with how quickly she picked this up!
And to reward our sweet girl, her actual birthday consisted of NO responsibilities….just a day at home (her request) with close family and friends stopping by throughout the day to show their love. Thank you to those of you that took time out of our family holiday to spread the love to our little lady!!!
I will probably share more of her journey a bit later on the blog but both Scott and I have been commenting on a feeling of “turning a corner” in our journey with WonderGIRL. We are hopeful that growth is sprouting in big ways right now and that the harvest of strength and maturity to take on her own life is coming. Prayers and good vibes toward this are GREATLY appreciated.
Truth be told, I never really look forward to Mother’s Day. Internally, I can be so incredibly grateful for this role that I own and for the children that I get to take care of but every year for our family, it’s so freaking hard and complicated. Tensions are high and patience is short and it never works out the way each individual thinks it’s supposed to.
This year, we were one week out from having to disclose to our Wonders that their first mother had passed away. That they would be robbed of a chance they both wanted to see her again and ask her questions. That a piece of their story that loved them into existence had vanished without any closure.
And so I was worried. Worried that the grief and confusion of that event would stifle their ability to be joyous with me and appreciate their second mama.
Here is where the surprise came in….if you peruse the following images….
A dinner comprised of cheese and crackers (and no fighting or blood please) at the lake – mission accomplished.
Our day began and ended in the same way thanks to the brilliant sunshine that day – snuggles and chats in the little nest I’ve established on our deck.
What do you see? What I felt on that day and the days since has been what I am now calling my Wonders being “untethered.” They are no longer stuck in loyalty between two worlds. No longer feeling guilt if they love me more or wondering if their first mom loves them still. The tug-of-war has been (tragically) ended. And even I, a trained professional in this field, was blown away by how transparent this all was playing out right in front of me. Their mannerisms, their words, and their hugs just felt different and overwhelmingly deeper this year than in days past.
Since they have learned for their first mama’s death, WonderGIRL has been 143% more affectionate and kind toward me (see sweet letter above). The day after we told WonderBOY about the death, he started spontaneously claiming over and over again “you’re the bestest of the bestest of the mamas in the world” and hasn’t stopped since.
Typically as mamas, we don’t like surprises (or is it just me?). We like predictability and control and felt safety. But this surprise has been a good one and I wanted to document this day into history and perhaps adapt my own narrative about Mother’s Day in years to come.
