Category Archives: Team Brave Dinosaurs

on resilience

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ACEs classroom breakdownThis school year, our district has been diving deeper into our student population and fostering resiliency within our students inside and out, especially with regards to our students that come from hard places or who have experienced trauma in their pasts. We are exploring Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and how these traumas can have long-term effects on physical and psychological health into adulthood. We ALSO know and believe that these effects can be buffered by caring adults who invest in their lives and form meaningful relationships. As a part of my presentation to my lovely staff on this topic yesterday, I had the most resilient and inspiring woman I know speak about her own experiences with trauma and how teeny-tiny actions from her teachers really made a WORLD of difference for her. Here is WonderGIRL’s speech that we co-authored together:

My name is [WonderGIRL] and I have an ACE score of 10. You may think that’s bad but it is only a score and NOT who I am. My mama always tells me that I’m bigger and better than what has happened to me. One reason I still smile and laugh is because teachers like you have been my safe, protective place through very hard times.

My story got really hard when I was in 3rd grade. Here is what I wish I could have been brave enough to say to my teacher back then.

Dear Mrs. [3rd grade teacher],
Thank you for always saying hello to me each morning with a smile. It was the only smile I had seen since school got out yesterday. Your pats on my back when I did something good made me feel like I mattered to at least 1 person. Do you remember those gold stars when I turned in my homework? Those were very important to me. My family never helped me or looked at my work when I brought it home. Somehow, you knew this, helped me just like a Mom would, and I still got my star!

I want to apologize for my poor attendance lately. I wish you knew how badly I wanted to run out of my house and catch that bus but I felt trapped. My dad didn’t want you to ask questions. My dad didn’t want you to see the bruises. But you saw more than that in me. You saw the person I wanted to be – someone who laughs and sings, and enjoys life. I hope you know that I may have left your classroom, but your kind actions never left my heart. 

Love, 
WG

I hope sharing my story helps you save a little boy or girl that is hurting just like I was. Thank you for being their superheroes. The end.

I’m so proud of this little one for standing up in front of a library full of teachers and owning her story and using it to inspire others. I am grateful that we get to be part of that story.

TBD and the roots of behavior

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wonderGIRL note

For the past couple of days, our sweet, joyful WonderGIRL has been HARD. Hard to parent, hard to have patience with, and at times, hard just to be around. Yes, yes, I know 13-year olds are already hard, have attitude, forget everything you say, can’t focus, stomp up the stairs, etc……but our 13 year old with a head and heart full of trauma carries a number of triggers that aren’t included in a typical teenager’s arsenal of weapons against their parents. This is where the frustration of parenting is always underscored by the overwhelming sadness of her story and her past, a lifetime of events that we have NO CONTROL over and can never take away from her.

This morning in church after some arguing and tears from WG, I wrote her a note to remind her that I love her. It read….
Dear WG,
I love you even when you argue and even when you drive me bonkers. I love you because you’re you.
Love, Mama

And pictured above is the note I got in return. This note accurately summarizes the triggers behind the behavior that always come back to her past, her abandonment, and her crazy amount of FEAR in us leaving her. It was a powerful reminder that at my peak of frustration, I need to dive into the reason behind her behavior and open the door of communication for her to share her hurts. We call it “clearing the space” in her brain….clear out the hurt and the fear, so she can fill that space with making good choices and thinking before acting.

Many times when I share my struggles in parenting our two wonders, many well-intentioned people share that their kids do the same things. I believe this is an effort to “normalize” my feelings which I do appreciate and it does make me feel better as a rookie Mama. But what they do not see is the difference in our kiddos – their children were most likely raised in a safe and healthy environment where they know that as bad as they act, their parents will continue to love and protect them. Our children do not know that….that is not their baseline. Their brains were formed under the filter of fear (drowned in cortisol/adrenaline, our stress hormone) and thus, we get behaviors that can be more aggressive, more volatile, and harder to influence. And as I have said before, we embrace this difference and we rise to the occasion with creativity, faith, and a whole lot of humor in moving forward with our story.

And just to end on a cute note, check out WonderBoy’s “notes” during service this morning:

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“I love God and you.”

 

Wonders take over the blog….

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WG and WB have been very interested in the blog and what I’m writing about them specifically….today, they wanted a chance to publish their own random musings so here ya have it.

IMG_2847WonderGIRL says….
Okay, so what I was saying earlier was that Cat Valentine has this blog, it’s a slap, it’s a video where she just talks and talks and talks about random things. I haven’t seen them but we watched one on her computer and she talked about kittens and ya.

Ummm….hey can we go to the trampoline zone today? Ugghhh. You actually wrote that? What else can I talk about? Normally my brain just comes up with things and then I talk fast. Marco Murrey quit from his other team the Cowboys and he switched to the Philidelphia Eagles and it’s kinda sad because (WB interrupts: he misses his friends) he worries that his friends don’t appreciate him but I think it’s a good thing so he can have different experiences.

I’m full of attitude, full of joy, and trying to get everyone to have fun. (WB: and you’re fear and you’re disgust, quoting from Inside Out, one of our fave movies).

IMG_2846-0WonderBOY says….
What should I talk about? I’m going to do what I do in Science. My name is _____ and I don’t like it when my sister doesn’t share but I do. When we argue a lot, Scott doesn’t like it. We like football, basketball, and Seahawks.

I want to be a “fighterfighter” when I grow up and I will work at Scott’s station. I will have a wife, a dog, and me, and a baby but I don’t know how much babies we will have. And a cat. And I really want to explore in our little forest thing and our trail. That Jake and BJ sometimes don’t like each other when they fight.

You always say to me, “get your pajamas on, go to bed, and close your eyes. Oh and you’re so lucky to be my mama.” (prompt that we talk about feelings on our blog) You feel sad when I’m mad at you. Now I’m going to go play catch in the hallway. The end.

Positive attention strategies (part 2)

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Another installment of how we intentionally pay attention to our little wonders in unique ways throughout each month/season…..

Monthly Birthday 1-on-1’s (inspired by this blog post)
Each month, on their birthDAY (4th and 20th), each kiddo gets to stay up late with both parents for special 1-on-1 time. They get to pick the activity (one rule: NO screen involved). WG will often ask for spa night (nails and essential oils) and WB loves to bike ride or scooter around at night. While one gets attention, the other wonder is pretending practicing being happy for someone ELSE being celebrated and getting attention in a positive way.

“Speed Dating” game
We love using intentional eye contact as a way to bond with our little wonders. Sometimes we just make eye contact to “test” how long it takes one of us to look away. We did a 1-minute affirmation challenge (I called it “speed affirming” like speed dating) where family member pairs made eye contact for one minute. I tried really hard to find another title besides speed dating, but it was so close to that, I just stuck with it! One person gets to talk for 1 minute straight affirming all of the wonderful things about their partner. We started with parent to kiddo partners but also included husband-wife and kid-kid affirmations (adorable to listen to). This was another good activity to do right before bed to promote a positive transition to bedtime.

Sunset Reading Marathon
Our kiddos aren’t always super willing to drop everything and read. We try to be good role models in them being able to see us reading for enjoyment and learning from time to time but they can still be hesitant and stubborn around being forced to read. We also like to reward them choosing to read with a few extra minutes to stay up past bedtimes. So a few times a month, we let them choose books and as long as they STAY reading, they can stay up as long as they want. During the summer, we hosted these marathons in the back of our truck as the sun went down just a few streets away in our neighborhood. What a fun and cozy way to fall in love with our books and share the beauty of nature at the same time!
backup sept 2015 1773 backup sept 2015 1776Interested in part 1? Click here!

Can I have your attention please?!?

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Focus and attention are two primary concerns in our household. We struggle with WB and WG paying attention to our words, their own tasks and homework, and to the care and keeping of themselves. This will always be a daily struggle and we are charged with the job of being creative in how we can effectively manage life without going absolutely bonkers when repeating ourselves calmly 152 times.

But the kind of attention that we have worked REALLY HARD on changing the meaning of with both of our children is HOW we get attention, how we seek attention when we need it, and how we positively give it to safe people that we love. After childhoods filled with cycles of negative and positive attention for all the wrong reasons, we wanted to teach them both a few lessons here:

1. Sometimes people other than ourselves will get different doses of attention – and that is OKAY.
2. I can ask for attention when I need it (instead of acting out, talking like a baby, crying, creating a false injury/illness).
3. Positive attention includes eye contact, questions and responses to keep the conversation going, and calm tones of voices.
4. Just because someone gives me attention DOES NOT automatically mean they are a safe person or that they are close enough to me to kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc.

I thought I would share a few strategies we use with our little wonders (many borrowed from multiple wonderful mamas and mommy-bloggers throughout the years) in order to teach these lessons on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

Nightly “Talk Time”
As a way to practice social conversation skills and to creatively get some juicy tidbits about their days, we have started a short “interview” at the end of each night where each family member gets undivided attention while they share about their day.
Our four questions include:
1. What was your favorite part of your day?
2. What was your least favorite?
3. What did you learn today?
4. What are you grateful for?
This has become a valued routine in our home that can take place anywhere and with anyone (babysitter/family member) as a way to peacefully end the day and transition into bedtime.

backup sept 2015 1809 Family Date Night
Each year, we nervously head towards WonderGIRL becoming a teenager and diving into the world of dating so we are extra careful about how we talk about romantic relationships and love interests. As a way to show her how one partner should treat each other, we like to go on random family date nights. We get dressed up, flowers are sometimes given, head out to a fancy spot and practice our best manners and conversation skills. Although WB really loves the attention and “kid friendly” restaurants, I think WG gets the most out of these experiences as she has an amazing father figure in Scott to teach her how a true gentleman treats his love.backup sept 2015 416 backup sept 2015 418

 

More ideas to follow in a future blog post including our special birthday 1-on-1 time, “speed dating” game, and sunset reading marathons. Stay tuned!

Dear teachers of WB and WG…

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At our staff retreat last week, we were asked to write letters sharing the hopes and dreams we have for our children (real or imaginary) entering our school building. It was an emotional and high-impact activity that inspired passionate and hard work for the next two days from our staff. I thought today, our first day of school, would be a perfect day to share that letter.

Dear staff,
Thank you in advance for your kind and compassionate care of my children. I know that your work is buried in thankless extra hours and efforts but I see it and I appreciate every moment of preparation and love you have poured into your students already before they even walk in the door.

My biggest hope for my children this year is that they GROW and thrive. I want them to grow in their confidence in reading and enjoy the books that they are reading. I want them to love math and be excited about solving larger problems. I want them to have strategies for moving past “not getting it” and be okay in messing up and trying again. I also want them to feel every day that their teachers only want them to try their best, not get 100% or a 4 on every assignment. I want them to feel good enough as a student, even if they are not at standard.

I dream that one day, my children will blend in with other children, and not stand out with behavior problems due to their traumatic past. I hope that staff views their behavior through a lens of trauma, not defiance. They learned these behaviors from extremely abusive adults and now, I hope different adults teach them about kindness, self-control, and perseverance through their own actions and the guidance they provide to them.

I want WG and WB to walk into a classroom with a teacher that greets them by name and looks them in the eye to honor the unique and important people they are. I want them to practice controlling their impulses, be allowed “re-do’s” and also learn how to solve conflict with peers in a more calm way than they can now. I hope that this school year is a stepping stone to the future in them becoming successful citizens with careers that make them feel purposeful and relationships with family and friends that are mutually respectful, trustworthy, and free of abuse.

But my biggest wish is that my children feel safe, comfortable, and loved unconditionally. Loved unconditionally during the days/times that they are compliant, calm, and working hard. But more importantly, loved unconditionally on the days/times that they are defiant, out of his or her seat for the 142nd time, or being aggressive to another child. Those are the days/times they need your love and guidance the most and as fiercely as you can give it.

Thank you in advance for changing my child’s world for the better….
Mama Brave Dinosaur  (Mr. WonderBOY reading me one of his favorite stories during “carpet time”)


TBD and “the system”

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There is a lot of talk in the foster world about “the system” which seems to include the state department, legal system, CPS, and all agencies that supports (term used loosely) the most vulnerable children in our communities/state. From my experience and in talking to other families, it seems as though dealing with the system is much more discouraging than some of the hardships that come with caring for the children and their various traumas. People reply to my complaints with “ya…the system” or “I’m sorry it’s just the system” or my favorite “the system just doesn’t work that way.”

One of the biggest emotional roller coasters for us has been the timeline with our wonders and moving things along – not for our benefit as silly impatient adults, but for two little ones who long to be a permanent piece in someone’s family puzzle. We want things to move along for them, their healing, and their future mental health. It is hard when one person promises us a termination trial in October, then to get a phone call the next week saying it has been, in fact, set for February. 5 months probably seems like such a short time in their legal world, but for a 13 and 7 year old child, this time just feels like a gamble – more time for things to change or for stability to be ripped away.

So that’s where we sit. Here, in the middle of no-man’s land where we dream of making these children our own forever, but in reality, we have no power over their lives. When one or both are struggling and the voice inside my head (both professionally and emotionally) know that one judge’s decision could significantly change that struggle for the better, I find it hard to find the reason and logic behind waiting so long. So I turn to this little inter-space to make sense of it all….why do we get all of the responsibilities, but none of the power? All of the appointments, and the documenting, and the medicine, and the late night tantrums yet our say means little in front of the court? It reminds me of this sage quote from one much wiser than I. ? Many commented on my last post about the irony/magic of Team Brave Dinosaurs’ acronym being TBD (God thing #439 in our story) because our little family is in a lot of different ways, to be determined…..and these frustrations really speak to that being true. 

Many people know that documenting gratitude is one of the most monumental ways we can shift our negative thinking into positive thinking. And since we know our thoughts control our feelings (or did you know that? Well now you do) – I want to intentionally shift my thinking so my heart and emotions come right along with it. The SYSTEM is the reason we have WG and WB in our lives in the first place. The SYSTEM listened to reports that they were in danger and removed them from harm’s way. The SYSTEM saved them. The SYSTEM made us parents and trusted two rookies with a very important job. The SYSTEM helped create our family and for that, I am grateful and shall remain that way for the months/years/endless moments to come before a judge gifts Team Brave Dinosaurs with a promise of forever. And if when those thoughts fail to take root in my brain, I will just love them fiercely and rely on forces more powerful than us to take charge.IMG_0847

TBD and our beloved Essential Oils

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Three months ago, I dove into experimenting with essential oils as a way to take charge of my family’s health, both physically and mentally. It’s been a fun way to not only care for their emotional and physical needs, but I have gotten a creative surge from creating recipes for rollerballs and diffusers around the home as well. The added bonus is that both my husband and my little wonders love the oils and ask for them on a daily basis.

How we most commonly use them:
1. Daily application for mood management – we use Vetiver, Cedarwood, Lavender, and the Grounding Blend (carried by coconut oil) on our bodies and feet. I have seen huge gains here in their capabilities to calm down quicker and move on to a different task since using this combination. We have been able to transition WonderGIRL off of her medication for ADD in part because the oils have had such an impact on her focus/irritability/mood.  I also rub it on WonderBOY’s feet before bedtime – he loves the massage (connection with Mama) and it has helped him go to bed without as big of a fight.

2. Supplements – now that volleyball and school meetings/schedules have started, I am not the best in eating regular and healthy meals. I have noticed a huge difference since starting the supplements in my digestive system and general energy throughout the day, even if/when I sneak in a fast food trip in between appointments.

3. Diffuser recipes – we love mixing up recipes in our diffuser to not only make our home smell nice, but get some emotional benefits as well. Our favorite family recipe reminds us of the ride “California Soarin'” from Disneyland (it includes Cedarwood, Rosemary, and Wild Orange). My favorite benefit has been the diffuser recipe (Respiration Blend + Frankincense) in our bedroom, significantly decreasing hubby’s snoring (and all the wives/girlfriends say…SIGN ME UP)!!!

4. Cleaning products/laundry detergent – we have been working hard to make our home toxin-free (encouraged by our support of this wonderful documentary) and making our own cleaning products has been super-charged thanks to our essential oils!

If you are interested in learning more about essential oils and the specific brand that I chose (after a LOT of research), I would love to chat more with you about it. Feel free to comment or message me on Facebook and I can point you in the right direction! I had heard about the oils for a while and needed a helpful friend to guide me and answer all of my questions (even at 11pm at night while I’m perusing the internet – thank you Amy!). Now I get to pay that forward…..

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with the oils and what works for me. None of this should be taken as medical/psychiatric advice. I’m simply sharing a personal opinion about a product that I use and like because it’s significantly helped my family and because I enjoy the creative process of making various products.

the birth of Team Brave Dinosaurs

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It is not news to anyone that all families go through multiple seasons….seasons of hard, struggle, pain and then seasons of calm, ease, and peace. Right now our little Team Brave Dinosaurs is in a bit of a season of hard – so I thought it might be helpful to my little blog but also for my heart for me to reflect on the start of our journey and all of the beautiful messes we created together when starting our family.

As many of you know, my husband and I had always planned to build our family first by adopting a child/children. We were open to many different possibilities of doing this although we had started working towards a possible international adoption. Many countries require a marriage of at least 2 years before applying so we were chugging along, enjoying our free time and quiet up until that point. God definitely had a different plan and in February of 2013, He asked us to take in two of His most loved, yet most broken. All we had to do was say “yes.”  Easy to type in a sentence, much harder to dive in and do. But we did.
We believe that their story up until that point is just that, THEIR story and I will not be diving into that story here on the blog.

When we picked up WonderGIRL and WonderBOY (WG and WB) from the DSHS office, they were SOOOO excited to be coming home with their school counselor. What a treat to see one of your teachers’ homes, kitchens, and even have a sleepover!!! I still remember WG’s exact three questions in the car as we drove to our house
1. When we have dinner, will we all eat together at a table?
2. Will you take us to church?
3. Do I call you Mommy?
Three questions from a very excited kiddo, but three questions that without any filter, highlighted her need for belonging, for love, and for help in her healing process.

We had absolutely NO kid-friendly items in our house – I blame my occupation for that, because all of the good stuff was in my office/classroom at school. The kiddos passed the time by sliding up and down our stairs, filling our house with the most genuine and uninhibited laughs I had ever heard.

We got to go on a Target shopping spree (Mama’s favorite!!!) for essential items that night. As we piled plastic plates, cups, class valentines, toothbrushes, etc. onto the conveyor belt and as the prices beeped onto the screen, WG was frozen and locked on the screen. As the total climbed, her head began to significantly droop. She turned to me as I pulled out my wallet, and said quietly, “I am so sorry. You really don’t have to pay for all of this.” To which I replied, “We want you to feel comfortable. We care about you. We will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and at home while you stay with us.” This perked her up enough to walk hand-in-hand with me to the car as we left the store.

It’s funny that many of the rituals and routines we started that first week, we still do 19 months later. And many of our “firsts” (new experiences to them) are still activities we love doing together – movie theater dates, walking to the park, visiting the fire station, and sliding down those darn stairs (my poor banister).

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Going from zero kids and a relatively quiet house to parents of two was obviously a culture shock for hubby and I. We navigated that carefully, fumbled endlessly, and joked about not even being in the same chapter, let alone on the same page in the whole parenting game. Some of the most precious moments I will cherish with my husband were some of those first nights after we put the children to bed and we would process, cry, hug and really take in the impact of our new normal.

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Our second night together was Valentine’s Day so we brought the children to a romantic date at Red Robin. You can see in the picture above how shy and clingy both were in public – for those of you that know them now, it is shocking to see them so still!!! At dinner, WG was very honest in saying that the words “family”, “foster”, “mom”, “dad”, etc. made her feel uncomfortable. We discussed that instead we were a TEAM and Scott and I were their coaches. We called the shots and kept everyone safe. Of course we needed a team name and identity so each child got to pick one word to describe our team. I’m sure this doesn’t surprise anyone that WG chose “brave” (I might have said crazy at that point in time) and sweet 5 year old, all-boy WB chose “dinosaurs”. It obviously stuck and thinking about that conversation brings the sweetest sense of peace to my heart because it was the first family decision we made together. Both children finally had a voice and control – 11 and 5 years too late, but we were ready to make up for lost time in that realm as quickly as possible.

We are #soblessed to have these two in our life and honored to have the opportunity to change their seemingly dark path and point it towards the light. They fill our hearts with unspeakable joy, passion, and love (along with wall dings, endless cereal droppings, and laundry but who’s keeping track). More on our story and a current legal update will be coming in a later blog post – thanks for reading and to most of you reading this, thank you for supporting us through the start of it all and continuing through the present.

Cheers to 3 years

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 What I see in the above picture is JOY – our beloved friends and family cheering us on after our vows. What I feel when I look at this picture is TRIUMPH. Overcoming a tricky road to get to our wedding day and 3 years later, still working on our insecurities and processing our pasts to be the best spouse we can be for each other and now, for our children.
I am proud to call this man my loyal husband and father to our family and I aim to make him proud of me each and every day. Thanks for loving me and enduring my crazy for the past 5 years hon – when you meet a girl that looks like a high schooler in Haiti, you should’ve known what you were in for. Cheers to many more years (and kids and craft projects and nagging and sinks full of dishes to wash after your 48 hour shifts)….

P.S. See? I told you I wouldn’t post a sappy Facebook picture of us. That’s what the new blog is for.