Category Archives: School Counseling

On being a leader….

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Each year, Scott and I attend the Global Leadership Summit, streamed live at Cornwall and each year, I walk away with some amazing take-aways about how to better myself as a leader, both on the court, in the building I’m working at, and within our family with our kiddos and my husband. In order to keep these take-aways fresh in my brain as we transition to fall, I thought I would record them here as a way to process these amazing two days full of speakers that truly spoke into my heart and life in big ways.

Bill Hybels (pastor of huge church in Chicago) –
Nugget: God is an equal opportunity storywriter and every leader can be developed into something great.
Action: Foster young leaders and affirm their leadership material (2 minute conversation for lifetime impact). Take chair time each day to read, reflect, pray, surrender and let leadership ideas come into your space.

Sheryl Sanberg (Facebook CEO, woman crush, author of Lean In)-
Nugget: Switch from post-traumatic stress disorder to post-traumatic GROWTH. Helping others fix the common mistakes of grieving (personalization, pervasiveness, permanence). We shouldn’t measure how much resilience someone already has but focus on how to build it.
Action: Keep the course in walking with others who are experiencing grief/trauma right now in their families/marriages/childhoods. Foster gratitude and joy each day within our littles so their growth is bigger than their grief.

Marcus Lemonis (business guru, from The Profit tv show) –
Marcus was adopted and talked about this mom “being able to adopt” instead of “unable to have biological children” and I loved this phrase and mindset so much. We get a lot of questions about having our own biological children and the simple answer is….we are able to foster and adopt and that’s it.

Bryan Stevenson (wrote Just Mercy about the unfair incarceration and justice needed for so many African Americans – must read, can borrow my copy!) –
Nugget: Hopelessness is the enemy of justice and leadership. We must choose psychological and physical discomfort in order to enact change. The broken teach use how grace is SUPPOSED to work. The opposite of poverty is justice, not wealth.
Action: What am I doing to foster hope within my elementary students, families and staff?

Andy Stanley (pastor/leadership author) –
Nugget: If we were to do it all over again, what would we do all over again? Being a leader and leading are two different things.
Action: When looking at data/stats – focus on successes and then how to “make it better”

Day 1 – done and done. My brain was full but my heart was ignited…..

 

On kiddos who feel BIG

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I have talked to lots of parents throughout my years as a school counselor and just mama-to-mama talks about how to help children regulate their emotions. Many times it can feel like you are just along for the ride as they navigate life’s highs and lows (that probably in your opinion shouldn’t even have been a feeling at all) in BIG ways and if being honest, usually in public….with eyes watching….judging……and your cheeks turning red……

I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks I pass along to those parents in order to help their child LEARN how to regulate their own emotions (versus the parents stepping in and doing it for them). I, myself, have one kiddo that feels big feelings on a daily basis and another who is pretty numb and doesn’t show any feelings. And if given the choice, between the two, I would 100% choose the big feelings because these reactions and strategies to regulate them are easily taught and remembered.

Always remember that all feelings are OKAY, but some reactions to feelings are NOT OKAY. When we tell children to NOT feel something, this is suppressing a very real physical reaction in their body and in adulthood, this suppression of feelings can result in lower skills in problem solving and denial of problems that need help/mental health support.

  1. Rate the problem. (NOTE: this does not say “name the problem” – it doesn’t always matter WHAT actually happened, but we can just help the child REACT to the problem).

    Parent: “What size problem is this? Small, medium or big? (for an older child/teen you can have them rate it 1-10)
    ** Don’t disagree with the child’s rating but if you don’t agree, you can say “Okay….I probably would say small but let’s go with ________.**
    If the child says small, I would say “Okay sounds like you can handle that one on your own and move on.”
    If the child says medium or big, I would say “What can we do to turn it into a small or medium problem?”
    (You could teach these beforehand or give a few examples like….take a deep breath and move on, apologize, use calm words to tell the other child ________, etc.)

    This can help the child learn that not all problems are HUGE and that they are in control of choosing how they react.

  2. Choice or choice.
    If you child has a hard time hearing the word no, try to increase the amount of control they “perceive” to have by giving them two choices that are BOTH acceptable to you as the parent. This is especially helpful during transition times or schedule changes.

    Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
    Parent: “You can either go to bed now and I’ll turn off your lights or you can choose a book to read for 5 minutes and then turn the lights off yourself.”

    Many times, we are trying to make our children OBEY when the extra 1-2 minutes or extra 1-2 chips at lunch doesn’t matter in the big picture. Children need to know they have control and choices and can make compromises with other people as problem solvers.

  3. Give them time to regulate before a disappointment.
    When a choice isn’t possible and a firm no is coming…..give your child some time to be ready and anticipate their own disappointment.

    Child: “Can I have extra game/screen time?
    Parent: “I’m about to tell you an answer you’re not going to like and it might make you mad. Are you ready for me to tell you?”
    If child says no, then say you’ll ask again in a minute.
    If child says yes, I would say “If you’re mad when I tell you the answer, that’s okay. What strategy can you use if you’re mad? (breathing, go to room, get a hug, etc.). Unfortunately, game time is done for the day but if you ask again respectfully tomorrow, I will add an extra 1-5 minutes onto your screen time.”

    **It’s important to reward a calm and respectful response, even if they are mad.**

If you are parenting a special kiddo with big feelings, I hope this helped you (there are lots more tricks I’ve learned along the way that I would love to share with you). But more importantly, I hope you appreciate that a child with big feelings also means they experience LIFE in a way that is exaggerated and colorful and AWESOME. For the low lows and the big tantrums, there is usually BIGTIME JOY and that is what being a kid is all about.

(check out this big time joy- WonderBOY and his Mickey Mouse pancake at our favorite Everson Cafe 544)

Moving on…..

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The end of this school year had some big transitions for our team…..as a follow up to one of my previous posts which caused some light concern by some of our tribe, here is our news. I was just hired by Ferndale School District for the following year to be a school counselor at Eagleridge Elementary…..after 8 years without school counselors, I am excited they have “seen the light” and value that elementary counselors can bring, especially with prevention and awareness of mental health concerns and general crises at that level. (When asked what Nooksack would be like without a school counselor, after the initial huge eyes and wide mouth awestruck expression, some answers included “CHAOS!”, “I’m pretty sure it would just burn down.” “The bullies would just run amok!!”). I get to work with some amazing new counselors and staffs at Ferndale AND my commute got a whole lot shorter, saving our family some general quality time at home versus in the car and on the road (5 minutes versus 40 minutes – when will I listen to all of my podcasts now?????).

This decision was not easy for me to make and already after a week with no students, I am missing them terribly. I ADORED my staff and my students and had a lot of support and leadership within my career at NV – making my mixed emotions big on the last couple of days of school. I got to sneak this epic school-wide selfie in (complete with our whole staff and parents in attendance that day).

This decision meant some heartache for WonderBOY as well since he will be no longer attending the only elementary school he has known. This was hard for him to leave his friends, beloved teacher and anticipate a new school in the Fall….so my Mama heart hurt knowing that my adult decision impacted his “felt safety.” We are both ready to take on this new challenge with all the feelings and anxieties along the way.

WonderGIRL completed middle school (all the applause and all the exhaustion here) and is off to HS in Ferndale as well (already part of the plan after we moved in February). Although this 8th grade year was a tough one for so many reasons with WG, she finished amazingly with her Breakout project on Foster Care. The amount of time, energy, and personal vulnerability she poured into this was awesome and she scored well (not surprising….she’s quite the charmer) on her final presentation!!! Here she is at their 8th grade celebration showing off her work.

Thank you for your prayers, support, hugs, and jelly bellies during this time where I personally struggled with crazy feelings of self-doubt, guilt, and anxiety – I truly feel like God is orchestrating this move in so many ways…..placing this amazing house in our path to be followed with job openings the very next school year. This simple decision of “saying yes” and doing that trust Fall into his plan has worked out for me time and time again along this winding journey of faith and personal growth and I am hopeful it will continue to do so this summer and beyond.