Category Archives: Personal Development

40/40 – on my lessons learned

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While reflecting on past moments for this series, it really changed my perspective on moments that were happening in the actual present. Is this moment significant? What makes it special or memorable? Is this something I should reflect on/document or should I just be in it and feel it? What about this moment is standing out to me?

And what I learned is that so many moments ARE significant, in all sorts of ways. Sometimes positive and special but also some are significant because they are utterly heartbreaking and impact the course of our lives or of someone’s life that we love dearly. In my 40th year, what I know for certain, is that the journey of a life is really a never-ending series of heartaches and pain, followed by resiliency and support from loved ones if you’re lucky enough to have those and then sprinkled with content-ness in between (some bigger sprinkles of time than others).

Some of my heartbreaks and pain the last couple of years have been both professionally at work and then personally within my beautifully and messily created family. And the realization and sinking in that I am replaceable in so many different parts of my world – coaching, school counseling, district leadership and in friendships. And all of those systems and people will keep moving on without me….minus the crew that is tied to me through parenting and marriage. I have adjusted the time and energy I spend on the outside world versus the world within these four walls accordingly…not just physical time but also emotional and mental energy as well.

I just want to add in here that this quote should also be available with he/him and they/them pronouns as I do think the grown ups in the home while parenting are the ones that are irreplaceable, not just the “mom”. K rant over.

Some of my other “moments” from this past year that I haven’t documented include:
– WonderGIRL learning her own moments of growth and vulnerability in relationships and work life as she transitions to adulthood
– WonderBOY finding his voice in sharing with others how he feels and what he needs to be in relationship with them
– Scott and I focusing on date nights and travel with each other….even though we mercilessly tease each other to outsiders, I do enjoy his company quite a bit
– little nuggets of love and growth from students at school (the hugs alone are all separate moments I treasure dearly)
– saying no to activities that drain my energy
– showing up to things that fuel my tank
– the opening of the new high school gymnasium and my team’s first match in the facility (okay and winning in 5 was pretty sweet too)
– getting ridiculously sick (2 different times) and relying on my husband and Western medicine
– 2 cups of brewed coffee at home each morning (bonus moment points to when Christmas lights are involved on a dark morning)
– discovering Pickleball along WonderBOY and Scott as a fun and physical family outing
– finding a community of like minded professionals in the school counseling world through Tik Tok
– experiencing WB getting cut from a basketball program and observing him handle it with grace and maturity
– every day in May walking challenge (I definitely want to walk outside more as part of my 2023 goal setting)
– Scott and I checking each other non-verbally when chatting with our teens in order to keep conflicts at a minimum (okay I really hate this but know it’s needed)
– valuing and loving my body in its present form without constant comparison or criticism from my inner thoughts
– Hallford’s visits to my school and his patterns of laying on my chest and purring each and every night
– having an emergency foster placement around Halloween time….watching my husband parent him in such a more connected and positive way than 8 years ago when starting out with the Wonders AND having him bond with my volleyball team
– said foster placement moving away and leaving my school, breaking my heart open to the possibility of fostering again
– critical conversations at work that are making me realize what I want and don’t want as I move forward professionally, working in an education system that is so incredibly flawed but also so incredibly necessary to care for kids
– connecting more with my sister in law through our Sunday walks (and Pho dates when we don’t want to walk)

And to end this post, a quote moving into this next chapter of my 40’s:

39/40 on choosing a word each year

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Like many people, I love the week between Christmas and New Year’s….it’s quiet and a wonderful time for rest, reflection and goal-setting. I began choosing a word during my time at Treasury of Memories as it was big in the scrapbook world back then. And then it grew from there…..some words are more impactful than others, but I do love focusing on a word much more than exact resolutions that never seem to stick beyond January.

Here is a visual of my words so far and I’ll post a few links below of previous blog posts if you’re interested in exploring more on how to I used these.

One Little Word over the years….
2010- me (the year I went to Haiti and met Scott)
2011- you
2012- us (got married)
2013- rooted
2014- connect (Team Brave Dinosaurs formed February 2014)
2015- (survive), didn’t pick a word out of sheer chaos that was our journey this year including criminal trial and extremely hard trauma behaviors
2016- together (adoption!)
2017- allow
2018- spark
2019- value
2020- vision
2021- heal
2022 – reclaim

Picking a word is the hardest part….I love being inspired by what others choose and I usually have a few picked out to let simmer in my brain. Then throughout the first week of January, I see which ones rises to my heart/brain more than others. The moments of clarity in these moments of “choosing” are sweet and simple and help my investment in the word throughout the year.

Recently, on instagram, there have been some fun options to screenshot for ideas of words….here are three that I recently did and although I’ve already used Heal, I do love the idea of power and ideas since I have a whole lot of the latter and have been feeling very little of the former as of late.

And as I do each year, I would love to hear your word and also would love to hear your process for how you choose said word!!! Happy last week of 2022….one more “moment” to post and I will have completed by goal for this 40th year around the sun (better late than never).

29/40 – figuring out fitness as an adult

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It’s been a long time figuring out my personal fitness journey as an adult. Because of some history with my status as an athlete and disordered eating/exercising, figuring out the balance was difficult.

There was a time in my adult life that I went about 6 months without a single day of intentional exercise and obviously I know this is not healthy for me and my stress levels. I am not a good “gym-goer” – I don’t like being around others when working out due to my competitive and comparison-prone nature. I also can’t have goals like weight loss or size of clothes because of that being such a slippery slope into some past habits.

Enter the Peloton – I had been seeing them pop in friends’ homes and social media feeds and was instantly intrigued. After watching from afar, we made the purchase and really haven’t looked back since. You can read my thoughts on this here and here. And although I do love the short, yet tough workouts and the inspiring, engaging instructors, I also just love being in a room by myself and getting this attainable goal done when needed.

I also love a “distraction” method of working out where I can put on my favorite emotional support Netflix series and walk for an hour at a time on the tread. I set up my laptop, hit “resume show” and get a ton done (most of my 40 moments were written while walking). This formula has helped me hit some huge minute milestones on my Peloton and has helped me with my yearly goal of 20 minutes of movement each day.

Shown here in the dark – during school/volleyball, many of my walks are taking place after the sun goes down.
Love a good visual tracker!

Moments #22-26/40 – On five moments in our marriage

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Today, we celebrate 10 years of marriage and if you’ve been following along for any length of time, you know our marriage (like most) have had its share of roller coaster moments. I know that all marriages go through these – but with ours, some of those rockier moments came a bit earlier than to be expected due to a number of factors. Today I wanted to honor those 10 years with 5 moments that are memorable to me in big ways (but possibly are not the same magical moments you might expect one to document from a marriage).

Marriage moment #1 – your disclosure of your childhood abuse
Technically this was before our marriage – in fact, it was probably within the first month of us dating which was so very brave of you after repressing your story for 27+ years up to this point. You told me what you had bravely survived and then you told me that you fully expected me to stand up, walk out and never speak to you again after hearing the disclosure. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.) How I did respond: “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. The only thing I need is that when you need help to work through it, you will get it.” And you have held strong to that commitment in every sense of the word…..not only seeking out the help you need but breaking down barriers and stigma for others in your line of profession and allowing me to share pieces of your journey here on the blog.

Marriage moment #2 – the day you said yes
I told you that two students that had been removed from their home hadn’t returned to school and I was worried. I stalked the CPS worker and volunteered our home for the weekend as was only needed at the time. They needed an answer within the hour. I called you, explained the situation, and asked you to take two traumatized children you had never met into our home for a whirlwind weekend….you said said yes right away with the sweetest words, “whatever discomfort I might have in bringing them home does not compare with the fear they are feeling so yes let’s do it.” That weekend became months, those months became years, and the rest is history.

Marriage moment #3 – hitting rock bottom as a couple
I haven’t shared much regarding the incredibly hard 2 years we’ve had navigating WonderGIRL’s transition to adulthood….but it has taken an extreme toll on all 3 of us remaining Team Hoelzle Brown members along with a toll on our marriage. Last Fall, it all came to a head with a gnarly argument where my voice was silenced and bad choices were made as far as communication with WG. But out of that darkness came some self-awareness from you that things needed to change. That the suggestions I was making to you like looking for other forms of trauma healing were needed like EMDR or psychedelic interventions. And while we navigated our relationship in silence and separate bedrooms for a while, you took your healing into your own hands. Relied on your own support network outside of me to keep you accountable and get you to Ketamine appointments. Switched counselors, knowing you were at a stalemate with your current one. You did the work and you are a much better man, father and husband because of it.

Marriage moment #4 – figuring out our biggest conflict
In 2018 with both kiddos in school and activities along with our own pursuits, we realized that our biggest arguments came from scheduling and miscommunication about who/what/when in day to day life. At this point, we started having weekly scheduling meetings each Sunday night to go through our week and work things out ahead of time (Cozi, an online app, also helped with this). During this year, we also had a transformative discussion about our relationship values and I encourage other couples to do the same – it’s helped us prioritize some things like finances and schedules along with keeping us grounded together when distractions pull us away constantly. Read more about scheduling and our values in this blog post from 2018.

(HIS) Marriage moment #5 – learning I was right in 2021 *completely his words, not mine!
This one is funny from his perspective because when we first got married, other veteran married couples would often offer advice to us as the newbies. 9 out of 10 spouses (usually husbands) would say that the secret to a happy marriage is to always say/assume/act as if “she is always right.” And you HATED that sentiment. You claimed that we didn’t follow other marital/gender norms so why should we follow that one. And while we don’t really use this mantra in our daily functioning, I do appreciate that you are more open to listening to me and my opinions on how things should go in regards to parenting, our mental health journeys, etc. I also think there is a lot to be said for our good communication skills and me growing in my ability to listen to YOU and trust some of your choices and opinions as well.

Thank you for being you and growing alongside me as a spouse and parent all these years. Also, a big thank you for sitting in the ER with me for 6+ hours yesterday and ruining our actual anniversary due to my strep throat contagious period. In sickness and in health….

More to come on our anniversary trip to Whistler (where I probably caught said strep throat) because it was AMAZING and I want to share all the places we found in case you want to travel there too someday.

20/40 – on meeting Elke

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It all came down to this one little mini book, made out of literal trash and photos of me and my friends drinking the night before Thanksgiving. Talk about questionable young adult decisions, I really thought this would be the best “example” of my creativity when applying to Treasury of Memories, our local boutique scrapbooking store. Here is a video documenting the experience – and yes, I got the job which ultimately resulted in meeting my Heterosexual Life partner, Elke and a forever friendship that I hold incredibly dear to my heart.

Anyone that knows her (which to be honest is at least 82% of the entire Whatcom County population) knows about her infectious smile, giving heart and relentless pursuit of a good time, no matter how dull the current situation is. I am honored to walk alongside her through a whole lot of adult ups and downs and cheers to starting a new “prime” in our lives. At brunch yesterday, we talked about a question that I heard on my favorite podcast – what is the difference between “23 year old you” (when me and Elke met) and you now?

Our answers proved to be quite similar – looking inward for validation and the solutions to our problems, not others’ opinions or comparison to what others are doing. I would also add personally that something I have learned since being 23 and starting fresh in the professional world is that the many folks above your or “at the table” do not have it all figured out so trusting those systems or those folks in charge will not always result in a positive or healthy outcome, but with the right research, knowledge and values, trusting my inner guide toward the “right way” to do things can be trusted.

And because I made her dress up all sorts of extra for her birthday raincheck brunch (full of the most delicious mimosas – our fave), here’s a photo of us in our new prime….loving ourselves just as much as we love each other.

Happy happy birthday sweet friend!!! I love you so much!

On Ketamine – FAQ’s answered by the husband

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One of my most-read blog posts was documenting my husband’s journey with his own mental health and healing from significant childhood trauma and abuse. Since he was brave enough to share a bit of his story, we have been contacted a handful of times with questions about Ketamine and EMDR, two modes of healing not often talked about when addressing mental health. I thought this might be a good catch-all blog post that anyone can share with someone curious about ketamine and some answers from a pretty blunt, adult male perspective (and I love him for that).

Ketamine journey – part 1 (what is it)
Ketamine journey – part 2 (his perspective)

What happens in a Ketamine session?
You go into a room with a nurse and they take your vitals. Then, talk to you a little bit about how you’re doing. If you’re nervous or anything like that…..then they walk you through next steps like putting the IV line in, getting you an eye mask, and headphones with music. You can talk to them if you need to since they sit there the whole time with you.

How does it feel when you’re under?
First off, they start with low doses and progress upward in the process of your appointments. When they put the IV in, it takes 10-15 minutes for it to kick it out of a 45 minute session. Once it kicks in, I can feel it “coming on” where my body feels fuzzy everywhere but not scary, it’s a nice feeling. After that, it’s hard to explain….when you close your eyes, stuff just starts to come up – it depends on what you’re focused on, what you’re working through. For me, it was past trauma and having conversations with my abuser.

They start you with 6 sessions, 2/week and it progressively gets tougher as time goes on.

What happens if you panic/freak out when you’re “under”?
There is someone there to help talk you down if you do panic and give you choices and control if you want to stop. I ripped the eye mask at one point and they helped calm me down with some different coping strategies (heat, ice, oils, etc.). I only panicked for a short time before I realized I was safe. That was only because I was digging through some deep stuff at that point.

Were you nervous?
The first time – yes. In my first IV, they gave me a small bit of anxiety meds and that helped but then after that, I knew what to expect. I was nervous at the next appointment after a really hard one and then the nurse helped remind me of the procedures that I can request to stop it. Then it was one of my better sessions.

Did it help?
Yes it definitely helped. I have had very little anxiety after I started last year. The ruminating thoughts, which was the biggest thing for me, have pretty much gone. Sine I haven’t been to an appointment in a while, I can “feel the edge” starting to creep back in which is a reminder for me to schedule an appointment.

How often do you need to go?
They suggest 2 sessions a week for 3 weeks. After that, you do 1 a month for 3-4 months. And then every other month. At this point, I schedule sessions as needed. It’s been 2 months right now and I want to schedule another session before summer ends.

How is Ketamine different than traditional talk therapy and/or medication?
I did both of those things for years and there’s not anything wrong with those, I just personally plateued with those methods. Ketamine helped me be present in my trauma/mind’s eye and deal with it in “real time” through conversations or observing what happened with my adult brain. I realized that trauma was definitely stored in my actual body (which my wife has been telling me for years) and my left side actually was agitated more during treatments which is interesting and proved that point to me.

How do I know if Ketamine is a good choice for me?
If you have been trying other things like therapy, medication, or other mental health interventions and it feels like nothing is working or stagnant (also known as treatment-resistant anxiety/depression)- this is an option for you to look into. You can call the place for a consult and they ask you questions about your history of trauma, medication, referral and hopes for the treatment to address your anxiety and depression.

Even after him enduring this interview, he offered to talk to anyone with questions about his experience, so if that’s you – let me know and we can set it up.

On the systems that help AND harm….

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As a passionate educator, I came into my school counseling career with limited life experience but a lot of educational training on students and all the things that stand in the way of their academic success (personal background, learning disabilities, child abuse, opportunity gaps, etc.). And as my years of professional personal experience continue to climb, I am confronted with more and more systemic harms and systemic oppression that are much larger barriers for so many of my students, my own child navigating the “adult world”, and a lot of other humans I come into contact with that are a far heavier burden than any of those individual circumstances.

And sometimes when describing these barriers, it is hard for others to gain perspective on these hurts and barriers if never confronted with them personally. For example, I knew about the justice system inequities from reading this book and other news, but was not personally affected until on trial for my WonderGIRL’s trial against her abuser and then later part of a jury selection process that weeded me out for “knowing too much about childhood trauma’s impact on memory and the brain.” The anger that raged inside of me knowing that our jury didn’t believe my daughter because no one on that jury knew or could explain what happens to a brain that has been abused over time will never go away…..

I thought I would leave a few key readings or listening resources you might be interested in to gain some others’ perspectives as you move forward in our world that I need to hope will move in a forward direction toward “liberty and justice for all.”

My favorite post from the 4th of July – a holiday that had many conflicting feelings so so many people.

Educational trauma – I love my job as a school counselor and love the services and empowerment that public education provides to students and families. But the inequities are HUGE – I appreciate my colleagues and passionate leaders who also see these injustices and work on removing both collective and individual barriers to learning and growth for our most vulnerable little humans. There are a lot of books out there that can speak to marginalized groups and their experiences in school but here is one that I tore through with both curiosity and anger (I saw the author speak live at this conference and was hooked on her mission):

Religious trauma – I have always had some doubts on collective group religion although feel strongly about the power of having strong, individual faith journeys. Especially when it comes to the views and judgement passed onto to the LGTBQIA community, which in my opinion, is completely counterintuitive to the teachings of the bible. If you’re interested in learning more (since this is not my story to share but something I think needs to be shared), here are a few stories to listen to/watch in order to stretch your thinking on the topic.

We Can Do Hard Things podcast –

Mormon No More documentary on Hulu – featuring two lovely humans I have followed on Instagram for years now

I also fully acknowledge that these stories are ones that I personally sought out and received from folks that look like me, think like me and while I try to look at things from both sides, these are issues about human rights that cannot afford folks to remain neutral and sit on the fence about. I am looking forward to voting and getting involved with legislation in hopes we can move forward as a country….as well as continue to build safe spaces for little ones to find their voice, show compassion for others, and grow into leaders who will make our world a better place (insert all hope placed in future generations here). Thanks for reading and exploring with me.

On my One Little Word – 3 months in

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A little reflection on my One Little Word, RECLAIM, one quarter into this year.

First things first, I am really trying to reclaim some time for myself to recover and restore from the stresses of the current school year. I knew a big exercise goal would not be healthy for me so just focusing on 20 minutes of movement each day (no matter what it looks like or how many calories I actually burn) has been helpful. Plus, I love seeing the progress on this little circle tracker for the year.

I have loved my Pelo treadmill – the walk playlists and the ability to blog/be creative while I walk has been awesome for me!

With some amazing progress on his own self the past 6 months, Scott and I are trying to also work on our relationship and prioritizing date nights. We are on track for one date per week – we don’t want to get bored though so pass along any fun date night or day suggestions so we can keep things fresh!

As far as travel and adventures, we have been to both Arizona on a plane, Anacortes in our trailer and Leavenworth in a hotel – all great adventures both as a couple and with WonderBOY with us. We still have big dreams of going somewhere warm and tropical over Christmas vacation….but with a few looming family situations, we have to wait a while to officially book it.

Some of the things and/or activities I am still looking forward to reclaiming this year a bit more:
– reading more
– writing more (I’ve hit a bit of writers block for my 40 moments series)
– making money from my professional teachings/trainings

Overall, I am really leaning into listening to my body and giving it and my heart what it needs to navigate each day, hour, new stressful situation….I have always struggled with an even pull towards laziness and productivity with a special dose of guilt for each so finding this balance is always tricky for me.

And per usual, a fun tik Tok to tie up this blog post:

On “self-care” being weaponized against us

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As many of you know, I am a big encourager of self-care. Prioritizing your own basic needs of movement water, connection and rest ALONG with your other priorities. Since the pandemic has started, the pendulum has swung aggressively the other way, weaponizing self-care as “toxic positivity” and even oppressive in some circles (education included).

I think taking care of one’s self, both physically and emotionally shouldn’t need a label. And the fact that it does and we have to remind folks to attend to their own self IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. We have adapted to daily schedules in our society that are so busy, hectic and focused on performance, work and social status that individuals are forgetting that their body and brain need to be healthy enough to even do those things in the first place!

How I operationally define self-care is really just focusing on self-awareness leading to healthy habits. I stop long enough to see what my body, brain and heart needs during specific moments of the day….and then throughout my week and schedule, I actually and intentionally give my self those things.That’s it!

How do I focus on awareness? Stop, meditate, be still, turn off the podcast/music while driving, read personal development books, free write/blog, go to bed early so my mind can wander (and hopefully not turn into sleep-stealing anxiety), etc.

Without awareness, we don’t know what to self-regulate. Without an ability to self-regulate, many people then start to self-medicate (typically in harmful ways to our physical and mental health).

The other piece of self-care that I don’t think gets talked about often enough is setting and adapting your own personal standards of “success” or “good enough.” This is the truest form of love (as quoted in the image above) – being humble enough to shift your own standards of good enough so your actually are good (and healthy and whole and connected to folks that also love you).

One example of this is my goal with exercise this year – as a former athlete, I have some interesting habitual thoughts when it comes to “working out” and fitness. That post could be an entire novel on its own but some of my disordered thinking about exercise and movement has blocked my motivation to even want to do it at all. So this year, after coming to terms with some of that, I am LOWERING my standards of what I think daily exercise should/could/would look like for me. Instead, my goal each day is just 20 minutes of movement. Even if that movement doesn’t make me sweat, doesn’t burn enough calories, isn’t cutesy enough to post on social media, etc. And I have found that just the simple mindset shift of this has made me actually feel more accomplished (and consistent) that what I was expecting of myself previously.

So with that, I will just summarize with this – whatever self-care is to you, I hope you lean into it. I hope you MAKE time for your self this week, this month, this year….and I hope those moments reinforce the narrative that you are important and of value alongside everyone else you’re caring for. Healthy habits Tik Tok

I consider Tik Tok creativity my self-care on some days (okay all days).

4/40 On living alone…

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Recently, I have been getting feedback from others like “wow you are so self-aware” or “that’s great that you can recognize that” when sharing about my personal life. And while I appreciated the comments, I started to wonder where this seemingly elevated sense of self-awareness might have come from – part of my role as a school counselor is to help build and encourage this awareness and I love any research having to do with this topic so why not examine my own?

Some of you may recognize this wall art….

I have always felt connected to my inner thoughts so I’m guessing the natural urge to become a counselor developed from that. But living alone in my 20’s after the start of my career is where I can pinpoint starting a loving and kind relationship with myself….learning how I work best, rest best, restore my strength when I need to….ON MY OWN with no other crutches or people there to rely on for this work (although let’s be honest I was with my HSLP Elke 90% of this time anyway). This experience was a lesson that I still reflect on when navigating my own stress levels and emotional world.

As an extrovert and highly social person, many people told me I would hate living alone….but I truly LOVED it. I still love alone time to this day…..restorative moments in my room with the door closed or a weekend away in my trailer are activities that I now work into my schedule intentionally to keep myself whole and happy.

When I’m talking to young adults, I try and encourage them to try living on their own for a bit, knowing the beauty and self-compassion that can come from focusing on nothing but one’s own self.

Have you ever lived on your own? What did you discover? Or….how do you create this same experience if you’re always living with others (alone time built in, morning routines, etc.?) I would love to hear!