Category Archives: Parenting

Summer thorns

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Summer can be a hard time for our crew….this summer brought a few extra transitions that were tough as well.

While we look super happy and loving in the above picture at our camping site pool, we are also sadly grieving that in this picture there is only 4 members of Team Hoelzle Brown. Our sweet BraveGIRL decided to move back with her biological sister and legal guardian (reuniting her also with her twin sister) a few days before this camping trip. We are happy for her but ultimately, do not agree its in her best interest to move back and really wish we could still guide and influence her life for a bit longer. We poured our hearts and time and love into her and hope and pray the two years of lessons, struggles and character improvements will last her into her adulthood.

This grief is tough because it’s unresolved. There is no ending, but a lot of wondering and questions and mixed feelings that will last for a while. It’s been tough for our littles, especially WonderBOY as he misses her deeply. Seeing her empty room filled with cats instead of clothes on the floor is hard each day. And yes, we still communicate with her and will continue to be in her life as long as she lets us. We got an enthusiastic call on her first day at her new high school excited about the year ahead, so I continue to be hopeful for her. We love her and have high hopes for her future and I trust that she knows that deep down inside and will always remember that.

If nothing else, this experience is stretching and preparing our hearts to foster other little ones as they move back and forth between their biological families and ours, navigating that deep love and deep grief with each new placement.

Each summer, we dive deep and hard into the waters of our kiddos’ traumas, doubling down on therapy when we have enough time and space to process and endure the resulting emotions and behaviors afterward. In particular, we are exploring the “why” of some of WB and WG’s triggers and behaviors…..listening to them unpack their childhood is excruciating to sit and listen to. I can’t imagine enduring that they had to which leads to deep sadness. But I also become overwhelmingly angry that I couldn’t protect them….that I don’t have a time machine to go back and take away the hurts and the deep wounds that I am now accepting might never change or be healed.

For instance, Scott/Daddy/my hubs is away hunting right now. Both of our kiddos are struggling with that and do every year around this time…typical children might be worried Dad is going to get hurt or an accident will happen and just a sadness of missing him.

But instead, both of my kiddos are stuck with this automatic fear that he will not return and even stated to our therapist “What if he doesn’t want to live here anymore?”. Insert my own heart breaking. Insert imagining what it’s like to be a 2 year old waking up in the morning, searching for a parent who is not there and lashing out at his 8 year old sister who is charged with being his caretaker…..insert tears and grief and Daddy creating voicemails assuring him he loves our home and him and will be returning so he can listen to it over and over when he needs reassurance.

So with some of that, we decided to “stay home” quite a lot this summer. We watched lots of Netflix, enjoyed our new air conditioned home, and hunkered down together. I am sooooo ready for the new school year and soooooo excited for my new volleyball team, which gets me up and out of bed in the morning and makes these thorns hurt a little bit less which I am grateful for.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words through some of our “hard” this summer…..we appreciate your love and understanding and encouragement through it all over the years.

On why I make my kids listen to the radio….

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And other tales of how I ruin their lives teach them lessons of patience and delayed gratification.As a parent, but mostly an educator, I can tell you the discomfort when a child has to wait for something or when they are disappointed has most definitely been exaggerated and more problematic in the last 5-10 years. As technology advances (and other such human interactions have changed), our children are growing up in a land and at a pace that keeps up with their every demand. They ask (Alexa) and they shall receive (ie, they tap their magic screen and something happens, every single time).

But, the downfall of practicing this delayed gratification can have extreme negative outcomes later in life. Most good things in adult land come…….

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after you wait (see what I did there???). And in the discomfort of waiting is when quitting, self-medicating, passiveness and the loss of creative solutions happens. I believe that practicing “waiting” is one of the most intentional things we can gift and model to our kiddos.

A few ways we try to do this:
Making our kiddos listen to the radio (and yes the commercials).
It seems so simple, but can be really effective – the “going with the flow” of what song comes on, listening to the commercials which can give us new ideas on what to do this weekend (if a local station), and sitting in the okay of not liking a song for 3:42 seconds is also good practice

Not giving an answer right away.
One common best practice in the adoption world is to try and say yes to your childrens’ requests when appropriate (for time, for snacks, etc.). We try to do this when we can but we also usually know whether the answer is a yes or a no immediately after the question….so occasionally we say “It’s a no right now but you can ask again later” or “I will think about it and get back to you” to have them practice patience. This also helps them prepare for an answer they might not potentially like (especially effective for teen girls trying to see their boyfriends every day).

Rewarding effort/attitude, not outcomes.
Screen time/video game time is gifted in our house by minutes and is rewarded based not on the finished expectation (because they don’t have a choice to do homework, brush teeth, pick up room), but on their response to the request. If we hear an okay, they do the task, or even if they ask for a compromise, the time is rewarded. If there is complaining, disrespectful body language, or whining, minutes are taken away until the response becomes respectful. We don’t want our children to be mindful robots, complying to every adult request (which actually has been quite damaging to our wonders in their first family), but we do want them to practice having a respectful response to an adult and feel calm enough to ask for a compromise or disagree if need be.

How do you practice this concept with your kiddos? Or how do you teach and model this concept within your classroom? I would love more ideas…..it takes a village!!!

Yay to May!

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There are so many things I love about May. The spring sunshine and new growth. My break between club volleyball and high school seasons. People excited to be coming out of houses and socializing a bit more. Celebrating successes of students and planning for goals and growth for the coming school year.

May is also Mental Health Awareness month…one of the things I love most about my job both as a school counselor and sharing essential oils is reducing stigma around mental health. I believe we all are at different points on the spectrum from illness to wellness and that “point” can change from life season to season or even day to day. I love connecting with teachers, parents and students around their mental health and just by talking about their anxieties, symptoms, etc. we are bringing the darkness into light and finding solutions to these common struggles.

If you’re interested in learning more about mental health, click here for a 31 days of education workshop (watch videos at your own pace)! The first topic is PTSD which is the MAIN struggle in our house on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis….loved the tips shared here. 7-8 out of 100 people struggle with PTSD (spoiler alert: it is NOT just for military personnel, but affects most foster children and first responders in a heavy way).

Next week, the girls and I get to travel to Atlanta, Georgia for this amazing conference. As most of you know, I am passionate about helping WonderGIRL turn her story into a story for good and for justice and action. She (and BraveGIRL) applied to be youth representatives for a local organization and were gifted this trip and this experience. I am so excited to support them throughout this conference and be in community with other activists and sexual violence survivors.

On teaching our Wonders about money….

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Have you heard of the Greenlight debit card for kiddos???

It’s a card that you can control from your own phone including setting limits on where your child can spend amounts and how they can earn $ for certain chores. It teaches them about saving for bigger items and tracking their spending when on a card of any sort. Since we don’t do a regular allowance and offer money chores (but never have cash to actually give them) this is a great solution to keep track of their earnings/spending and keep their motivation high to earn and save!!!

Both Scott and I can add money at any time and if our Wonders are out and about or with friends that can request money if needed from an ATM or other source. WonderGIRL saved and bought a beautiful puzzle at a toy store we love in Friday Harbor. I could tell she loved the independence of handing over a card and signing for it herself. That adulting life is so fun right?!?!

Check it out by signing up with my referral link and we’ll both get $10 on our new accounts!

On the Grey’s Anatomy episode…

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….that wrecked me.

1. When I see parts of WonderGIRLs life both from her past or from what I imagine is in her future I dive in and become obsessed with the outcome even if it’s just on a show or movie. A while back I read this book about a Moms journey with her severe premie daughters birth and all the complications and I was enthralled in the story and hoping some details from that story could bring me closer to what I missed out on being a part of in her life story. So when the character in the show goes searching for her birth mother I imagine my own daughter doing the same thing and wondering what closure/trauma/emotions that will bring to her vulnerable heart. And it wasn’t a happy ending In the show and it left more questions than answers and that will most likely be true for WG too whenever she decides to venture after that curiosity.

2. The sexual assault storyline. First, I love that GA showed the pain and horror and resistance of a victim to go through a sexual assault crime kit. The scene where the women lined the hallways so she wouldn’t be triggered by male faces was simply beautiful (and ugly cry inducing).
And the consent portion of the show was amazing. I think parents know they need to talk with their kiddos about it but aren’t sure what to say and how to say it always. And truly that doesn’t matter….just say something and relay what consent is (and more importantly, what it ISNT). Need more ideas on what to say? Click here.

5 years as TBD!

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5 years ago a two adorable ragamuffins tumbled into our home and filled it with laughter, grief, joy, pain, and love upon grace upon growth for all of us. Here are two scrapbook layouts I did of our first week together (filled with snow ironically). We have learned so much in these 5 years and still have much to learn but us opening our arms and hearts and home to create Team Brave Dinosaurs and a few years later to expand our family even more is both the bravest and proudest decisions of our life.

Thanks for joining us in this journey and reading along as we stumble through parent and childhood together. And as usual, a genuine thank you to the husband for saying yes, to WG and WB for choosing us as their forever, and to Our extended families (both biological and chosen) for your support, community and connection we’ve desperately needed on this path. I can’t wait to see where the next 5 years take us!


Our favorite breakfast recipes!

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As I shared previously we have decided to not keep cereal in our home to try and encourage more real food and protein first thing the morning for our growing kiddos.

Here are a few favorites I have started prepping ahead of time for good grab-and-go options (for all of us!).

Egg cups – one slice of ham, a little cheddar cheese, one egg, 350 degrees for 10 minutes –> delicious breakfast for the whole family for an entire week!

These morning glory muffins are amazing and filled with zucchini and carrots which completely tricks my kiddos into eating a ton of veggies while half asleep. We also love to bring these camping for quick and easy breakfasts around the campfire!

Other good options:

Slow cooker oatmeal

Hard boiled eggs

Smoothies (made the night before)

Protein bites

Any other good ideas I don’t have yet blog readers???? Please share!!!

On experience gifts…

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I’m not sure if I have written it here on the blog but I love gifting and also receiving experience gifts for holidays. My husband and I have always focused on doing things together for big events vs. giving gifts and this love and tradition we try to pass on to our kiddos as well.

This Christmas, I was super excited to gift my Mom and Grandma with a trip to the Sound of Music Sing-along experience at the 5th Avenue Theatre in Seattle. If you’ve never been, it’s a little like the Rocky Horror Picture Show experience but with less shocking outfits and no sexual innuendoes. People shouting at the plot lines (my favorite was when Captain VonTrapp told sweet Maria to turn around upon meeting her and an audience member yelled “# me too.” Perfect.) and an entire theatre singing along with every single song (usually I’m the weird one in the crowd knowing every single lyric….here? just normal). It was a wonderful day and a shared memory with three generations of us Weber women that I will cherish for years to come.

My sweet BraveGIRL turned 16 this January and I am continuously trying to pump the importance of personal development into both her and WonderGIRL as they grow and learn and form their identities in their teenage years. Bringing them to the Made for More documentary by Rachel Hollis (I promise I’ll stop referencing her in every post) was a great opportunity to start conversations around strong women, confidence, not being impacted by comparison to others, and other solid messages that I would love for them to adopt in their daily lives. We had a super fun dinner beforehand and they loved the movie, but my favorite moments was our discussion in the car afterward where they shared their take-aways an we got to have an open and honest discussion.

My favorite part for them to hear was how Rachel combats the old adage that “everything happens for a reason.” This common encouragement can really dismiss someone’s trauma and especially a young child who can’t even begin to think abstractly as to why something horrible has happened to them. Rachel encourages people instead to find a purpose or a meaning out of an experience. Not gonna lie – I got a little teary sitting in between these two 16 year olds, with a world and a life ahead of them, getting inspired to have a healthy view of their past and an actual encouraging way to move into their future. My two girls’ traumas definitely did not happen to them for any sort of positive reason but my biggest hope is that they can use the strength and resiliency they grew during these experiences to cruise through other smaller life stressors and maybe even use it to impact/inspire others who have gone through things similar.

I know many of you love gifting experience gifts too – what’s been your favorite to give????

On getting control…

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of my calendar and our time!! I’ve been joking lately about the need for a personal assistant just to schedule and drive to the crazy amount of appointments our kiddos have. But since thats not a reality, Scott and I have been trying to stay on top of the schedule with weekly discussions around the calendar and recently with a new app we love called Cozi.

Each kiddo and family member (even the cats) get their own color and you can add all sorts of things to the calendar for everyone to see. What I love is that our teenage daughters can add things to their calendars and be in the know about all family events so they’re not surprised by any appointments. Plus they (and we) can add items to the grocery/Costco/Doterra shopping list as soon as they run out for everyone to see.I still love love love my paper planner and we reference both things when chatting about our schedule!!! But when scheduling with multiple people, the ease of the app that everyone can add to is amazing.

Calendar audit:
I got this idea from Rachel Hollis’ podcast (are you sick of me referencing her yet?) but she recommended looking at all of your appointments and activities from the previous year and assigning whether or not they were valuable and an effective use of your time. I did this with my professional calendar and it gave me great clarity on starting this new year with some purpose at work. I haven’t yet done it with our personal calendar but I plan on doing it soon!!! There are so many things we fill our time with and I am always looking for ways to make sure those choices are good ones.Any other suggestions for time and calendar organization???? Bring them on….also, since I’ve been looking at a computer screen WAY more than I ever have in my new role, more headaches have been popping up. I’m trying these LadyBoss blue light filter glasses at work to see if they help. Wish me (and my eyes) luck!!!