Category Archives: Parenting

The choice of “busy”

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I love this quote and all that it implies. I get asked the question of “how do have time for ALL of that?” often. And while I don’t mind answering it, I find it funny that I don’t actually FEEL all that busy at all. Or at least I don’t feel busy in a negative way – I feel FULL because my family and I are blessed to have so many things to participate in on a daily or weekly basis. I strongly that I am in control of my time, including that of my family and my children. I get to choose what I do with my downtime and I also get to choose how many activities and extra-curriculars my kiddos participate in which severely impacts our nightly and weekend routines. I also believe that some of my “busy” activities are pieces of my self-care like this very blog, scrapbooking, essential oil madness, and extra coaching duties. My “bucket of energy” truly gets filled back up when I partake in these things and thus I can put my whole self into my work and my roles as mother and wife. Even right now, I am writing this post, catching up on the Bachelorette, and texting a few friends about some ailments that oils might help with and I don’t feel busy – I just love fitting all of this into my life when I CHOOSE to.

What I know for sure is that weekends is a time for restoration and downtime for us all. I try not to over-commit to events and I always make sure we are home in between events so that we can participate in a team nap OR just release the energy that being out in public entails for my little wonders. This sometimes means I say no or I don’t plan as many social events but the pay-off mentally and emotionally is so worth it. I also know that when I do make invites to social events or classes, they are extended with the same grace and intentions I hope others extend to me. Come if you can….absolutely no judgement or hard feelings if you can’t!

My other trick to staying engaged and choosing my time is to always keep my cell phone on silent. By doing so, I get to choose when I engage with text messages from others and/or social media, versus getting constant dings and rings when notifications pop up. And although this makes some people frustrated when I can’t text back right away (my Mom thinks she’s sneaky when she asks “if I got her last text” just to shame me from not texting her back….I’m on to you Mom).

I think that our culture can “glorify” this busy-ness with many parents responding with “we’re so busy” as a badge or pride and accomplishment which can then pressure others into filling up every free hour with activities to measure up. And while that might be great and wonderful for their family, it doesn’t work for me or my kiddos and thus I have CHOSEN a different schedule. And that means being particular about what we let our wonders commit to AND inserting passion projects and hobby time into the schedule for my husband and I to keep us fresh as well.

If you’re interested in some reading around this topic for some management inspiration, I would highly recommend the following reads:
The Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner
Less: Accomplishing More by Doing Less by Marc Lesser

 

 

The blessing and curse of a Mother’s Intuition….

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mom memeWhen I was a teenager, I attempted to lie quite a few times (sorry Mom). And quite a few times, my mother found out and I got consequences for those lies. It seriously BAFFLED me how she would find out every single thing I had fibbed about (both big and small) because our teenage brains really trick us into believing we’re invincible during that time. This biological wiring of feelings things in your gut about your offspring is an amazing scientific phenomenon and a saving grace for many wayward typical children….but it was also something that I was worried I would miss out on since we are choosing to grow our family through fostering and adopting.

But I have felt my intuition about our Wonders’ behaviors and words grow so strongly as we build our family together that it might not be a biological connection at all. There are truly little voices/thoughts in my head that tell me to ask a different question, look in a hiding spot under the bed, check the garbage for evidence, etc. and almost always, I find out something contradictory to their chosen story of the moment, however silly it might be. Today’s story: [Child that shall remain nameless] ate 4 hard boiled eggs during breakfast time (already suspicious)…..ACTUAL story: [C.T.S.R.N.] tried cracking one hard boiled egg and couldn’t. So they tried three more times, gnawed on the section that was clear of egg shell, then hid them in paper towels and threw them away.

And most of these times (today included), I don’t feel the conquering success of an FBI agent that has solved the case (see meme above). I feel extreme sadness that my kiddo felt scared enough to lie, hide, embellish, etc. and then I feel dread in having to have our 3,257th talk about telling the truth and why it is important. I feel trapped when we have to give a consequence when I still want them to enjoy their extra-curricular experiences and privileges. I feel insecure because our previous strategies are not sinking in. I feel fear about their future and what these lying behaviors might do in their chosen occupations or what they might do to their relationships, both with friends and significant others.

This motherhood gig is hard and it’s beautiful and it’s messy and it’s rewarding (ya ya ya)…..but it’s also evidence that God creates mothers to be GIFTED with powers that go beyond our biological makeup and beyond just a specific skill set in parenting little people. And for that, I am so grateful for this blessing of a mother’s intuition….and I’ll take the thousands of hard conversations, icky feelings, and the rotting egg smell coming from the garbage can that goes right along with it.

apps we love….

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Technology and screens can get a bad wrap when connected with children these days…..but there are some amazing apps out there that have been a huge help to our kiddos (and us) in our crazy household. So just in case you haven’t heard of these gems….here are our favorites to check out and add to your phones/tablets ASAP.

Emotions/Breathing Apps:
Calm – This is a game changer not only in our house but in my classroom as well. There is a charge (totally worth it IMO) to get access to ALL of the meditations but the free version is pretty awesome as well. You can choose your background scene and music and then pick from a huge variety of topics, choose the time you have, and then this lovely serene voice will walk you through progressive relaxation and affirmations. All of the meditations are appropriate for children BUT they just added Calm Kids with the cutest little meditation stories ever, especially for sleep.calm appBreathe, Think, Do with Sesame Street (for ages 3-6) – great resource for helping children with frustrations and problem-solving. The child helps the monster take belly breaths and I always watch the younger children breathing with them as they play this game. Love it!breathe, think, do appEducation/Learning Apps:
My Spelling List – this app is wonderful if your child has a weekly spelling list. You enter the words and spell them correctly with your voice….then your child can play games with those words and take practice tests. This has been a huge help to our 2nd grade WonderBOY and we can take his spelling practice on the road with us which is always helpful for us as we spend a lot of time in our car traveling to work/school and home.
**I couldn’t actually find this app on iTunes this time around so it was possibly eliminated but this one is very similar.**

KIZZU Letter Book – For beginner (or struggling) writers….this app provides repetition in correctly forming letters using their finger and the touchscreen. I like this handwriting app more than others because it does not give “points” or stars unless the child correctly forms the letter, even if the letter looks how it is supposed to in the end. They also have a number workbook which is helpful as well. Both of my kiddos (middle school WG included) really enjoy this app.kizzu app

And for adults – Photos/Video Apps:
Google photos – Need a space to store all those adorable kiddo and life photos? Hate deleting them off your phone like I do? This is a great solution and is completely free! This app automatically organizes them and backs them up so then you can access them from any device (perfect for people that don’t use Apple products across the board with their iphone).

1se – As many of you have seen, I am attempting to capture 1 second of our lives each and every day this year. This app has been a huge help in doing so and it saves my video clips so I don’t have to keep them saved on my phone. Some people are just showcasing one week at a time, others months, and I can’t wait for my year end 4:00ish minute video to see what a crazy ride our years always are! This example below are all clips from one vacation – perfect for this summer as some of you embark on your own epic adventures!second app

The depth of the fears….

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I know this is hard to believe but sometimes my teenage WonderGIRL has some “baditude” and occasionally gets some consequences that she doesn’t agree with (insert true teenage eye-rolling here). And when she stomps up the stairs and spouts about how unfair life is, I feel quite proud of my ability to have remained calm (that time) in the midst of the storm. I handle all her emotions because I know with confidence that she needs those very boundaries to learn and to feel safe. 

And then under my door the next morning is this:

And it KILLS me….my child has been robbed of the normal experience to just be angry at her mama sending her to her room because of this deep, dark fear of me abandoning her. So fearful that she has to beg me to forgive her when she doesn’t have to….when forgiveness flows like water in this house…and when the love I have for her is the most unconditional I have ever felt. 

We have overcome a lot of fears with WG over the years….general panic attacks, nightmares, bees sending her into a frenzy. But this fear we have to work on everyday, every chance we get and with every heart-felt “I love you” she gets. And I hope these small and large pieces of love that I get to pass on to her will carry her and her mental health on and over the waves of this storm. This too shall pass….

WonderGIRL + cell phone = ❤️

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But for her parents? The equation should look more like: WG + cell phone + 0 impulse control + extreme need for attention + reactive attachment defiance = ???? (translated: we are freaking out).

Here is our plan for how we are scaffolding the responsibilities of having and using a cell phone for our tweenariffic WonderGIRL. As a school counselor, who teaches internet and cell phone safety to students starting in 3rd grade, I have a pretty good idea of the dangers lurking and what simple, small behaviors that start at an innocent stage can turn into at later ages. This prompted us to create a contract outlining appropriate and inappropriate behaviors on her phone. They are very strict and we are aware of that (for example, not even sending a text message with a picture unless she asks for permission first) but as she earns more trust with her appropriate use, she will receive more privileges and freedom with her phone.

I may have already talked about this but WonderGIRL receives what we call “responsibility points” when she tells the truth after a mess-up, completes reading or a run without a reminder, does her chores right away without being asked, etc. She can get points taken away for repeated lying or getting to a “3” (in our house, that is how we redirect behaviors without getting into verbal battles each and every defiant move).
25 points – can use cell phone at home
40 points – can add one social media site (probably Instagram)
50 points – can take cell phone outside of house

Here is the contract we found online and adapted to fit our own needs. My favorite line is “parents have the right to take away your phone for whatever reason, at whatever time.” Yep and yep.

Since WG is realistically only 4 short years away from being 18 and living on her own, we wanted to create a real-life scenario of saving money and paying a bill. Each month, she will owe us a $15 phone bill charge in order to use her phone for that month. No money? No phone. Paid the bill but lost the phone due to breaking the contract? Tough life lesson. This has prompted some good conversation about other life skills and has also motivated her to ask for more “money chores” around the house which are extra chores we need done week to week. It’s a win-win for her and us when our house gets extra clean and she earns well-deserved compensation for her work and effort.

How are you navigating your child/tween/teenager and their cell phone use? Any wise tips you want to pass our way? I would love to hear them…..

Have younger children that you would like to start teaching internet safety and cyber citizenship to? Check out Netsmartz and Digital Compass, two websites that do a great job at scaffolding important information and engage kiddos and teens in critically thinking about their behaviors and choices online. This online world can be the Wild Wild West of our current age and it’s our job as parents to help children learn how to problem solve within that world before they are left to their own devices (pun intended).

The other side of Spring Break…

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There is much evidence to be found that our crew had a great time traveling down to PDX on a train and exploring such a fun city for the 4 days during our Spring Break. What there is definitely NOT photographic evidence of is the HARD that is traveling with kiddos that don’t respond well to new places, new spaces, and days that lack structure. The excitement of a trip feels scary to their trauma-wired brains and usually on the night before or morning of, our behaviors get a little out of whack. In my constant efforts to not only show the beautiful but also the messy…..here is some evidence of “the other side” of our vacation.This restaurant set the beautiful, serene, peaceful scene for WonderBOY to throw a chair and run out of the restaurant yelling “I hate Mama” at the top of his lungs….the trigger? Asking him to pick a breakfast item off the menu. Insert flushed cheeks from me while Scott chases after him to do some breathing in the hallway. WG and I continue on with breakfast….and I order an extra cup of coffee (and a mimosa).

Man….look at those cute kiddos posing in front of our super cool, somewhat haunted hotel. This spot will be marked in history as “that time the Uber driver drove 10 minutes across town, parked in front of our hotel, saw a 7 year old boy screaming and throwing a toy out into the lawn and then cancelled our ride telling us he had just come down with a fluke stomach thing.” That fluke stomach thing I like to call effective birth control…..you’re welcome Uber driver. Food trucks….one of the best parts of PDX. Here we had some fantastic street food and some equally fantastic eye rolling, talking to self, bawling and stomping off from our all-tween, all-hormones WonderGIRL. I am also sure that included some name-calling but if she has learned one thing in 2+ years with us it’s to walk away from the parents before calling them choice swear words. We looked like A+ parents as we continued our lovely meal at a table close by….luckily, people in Portland are probably the least-judgemental bunch around so we felt safe and comfortable waiting out this “storm” in front of this crowd. Two nights before in our teeny hotel room, we didn’t have the luxury of walking away, thus resulting in her yelling at me that “I ruined her entire vacation.” Pretty impressive for me to ruin something 1 hour into the trip I’d say.
Last morning in Portland and Scott and I finally ventured back to a breakfast spot introduced to us by our lovely Stori and Tausha (PDX experts). As we sipped our infused Bloody Mary’s (head to Genies next time you’re in Portland!), WG and WB are both pouting because tomatoes were in their egg scrambles. Eventually, WB got so tired of crying about the restaurant “not being kid friendly” and informing us that he couldn’t open his eyes because of the morning swim, he just fell asleep in my lap. Now that he is getting a bit too big for this sort of lap-sleeping, tables had to be shifted and I had to use quite a few muscles to reach that drink of mine to enjoy.

I post these little snippets of time here not as a way to get sympathy, or even as a way to educate you on “how our kids are different than yours” (vacationing with kids is anything but a vacation I get it), but mostly just to document both sides of our beautiful, messy story. The reality of our family is that each day is new and brings about fun adventures…fun adventures usually equal higher levels of cortisol pumping through their little bodies…..higher levels of cortisol equal pretty explosive and defiant behavior (I say stop, you do it 5 more times-type behaviors). And while it’s hard sometimes, I’d say our ratio of the fun to hard is at least 10:1 at this point and I definitely could not have said that 2 years ago. So here’s to growth…..and big dreams for longer and farther vacations in our post-adoption future.

How far we’ve come…

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Our counselor asked us to pause in our session this week to focus on how far our little wonders (and us right alongside them) have come in our 2+ years together. Although I tend to get focused and bogged down with everything we/they need to work on going forward….I realized how important and positive it was for us to sit and dwell on the outcomes of our journey so far as a family. It dawned on me around this past Sunday (our 3rd Easter as T.B.D.) that the themes of sacrifice, a release of suffering, and unconditional forgiveness that go along with this monumental event carry so many parallels to what we have experienced as foster parents and what we aim to gift to WonderGIRL and WonderBOY each and everyday.

IMG_4340IMG_1930A new life for them free of fear, abuse, and loneliness….because He lives. I am humbled by His trust in me to parent two of His most vulnerable loved ones and am grateful He inserted a strong and loyal man like Scott to jump in the deep end with me and drown ride the waves of this life together.

Are you on an epic journey right now? Whether it’s parenthood, self-improvement, breaking free of addiction/abuse/depression or anything else – take a few moments today to pause and reflect on how far you’ve come. Where you started and how many teeny tiny baby steps and decisions it took to get you where you are today….give yourself the credit you deserve for that work and be proud.

Also noticed in the photo journey above – 100 new gray hairs (thank you parenthood) on my head and a consistent love of those trusty brown boots that have lasted an amazingly long time. Good purchase self (practicing what I preach – see above paragraph).

Not a morning person? A few “life hacks”…

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to save the day your sanity until you get that first sip of sweet, sweet nectar from the Gods coffee in your mouth on the way to work (I’m sure you sense the desperation here….)

Breakfast Options:
Smoothies – I’ve been loving creating green smoothies with this protein shake blend with berries, kale/spinach, banana and almond milk. Smoothie making? Pretty annoying and takes too long for me. I try to get all the leg work out of the way but chopping up my veggies and fruits into portion size baggies and freezing them. Then I can just grab one, add the almond milk into the blender and do my other morning kitchen routines while it blends.
 Whole foods – I try to give my kiddos and myself a variety of grab and go items that are NOT processed but can still fill up our tummies on the way to school. Hard-boiled eggs made in large batches are always in our fridge as is some sort of oatmeal concoction. What you see here in these plastic baggies may look like mush but they are left-overs from our Easter breakfast of baked oatmeal. Heat up, add a little milk, and they are fresh and delicious. WonderBOY and I especially like carrying these to school with us to enjoy after we drop off WG at middle school. We have also done oatmeal muffins and breakfast burritos in batches to have in our fridge before as well.

Vitamins, supplements, and medicine….oh my – I have begun taking daily supplements that help me process food, curb my snacking urges, and sustain overall health and I love them so far (I’d love to share!!!). My only barrier was taking each one out of their separate bottles took too much time and I often could not stick with this program on a daily basis. I bought everyone in our family their own pill containers and filled them up with whatever they needed daily. For my wonders, this includes their vitamins and daily medicine dosages. For me, my supplements all in one spot to easily grab. The other plus to this is being able to grab these and take them with us in the car if we’re in a super scary rush!
Managing a morning routine was the one lesson from our insta-parenting journey that was quite a rude awakening for me. I already struggled bigtime with getting myself out of bed and ready to work on time….now I had to make sure other human beings did the same thing? It was definitely a hot mess for a while at the start, but now we have a pretty smooth gig going thanks to some of these “hacks” and a few wonderful products that help us stay healthy and rested throughout our days.

GOOD MORNING TO YOU!!!!

Why I ❤️ counseling….

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….and not just because it’s my chosen and beloved profession. Counseling has so many mixed stigmas around its purpose, the techniques used behind those closed confidential doors, and its perceived effectiveness. Today I wanted to demystify the process just in case people out there are curious, in need, struggling and don’t know if seeking a counselor might be the next step.

Both of my little wonders have been in counseling the entirety of their stay with us. Some of their therapists have been amazing, others have been nice but not effective for what they needed at that exact time. And that’s okay and part of the process.

My husband sees a counselor and about very other session, I get to join him for couples’ sessions. This work has been going on since before we were married and I can honestly say I have no idea if we would have been able to do this foster parenting gig without the help of our counselor focusing on us and our marriage throughout the journey. Most of the time, it just feels like we meet up with an old and endlessly supportive friend to digest our weeks, our victories, and our struggles…..it also gives us a chance to bring up sensitive topics and challenges so that we can hash them out with a “mediator” of sorts to keep things moving in a positive direction. At times, I will hold some of my nagging comments about negative behaviors until our meeting, so I can make sure that I am saying them in an effective and healthy way versus an angry, impatient way.

I hear so many comments and perceptions about counseling from my friends and family that are true with some therapists, but certainly not all! The trick is finding a good fit with personality, techniques used in your sessions, and the amount of work being suggested outside of regular sessions. Just like in real life relationships, you have to trust and be comfortable before growing and changing so this “fit” is absolutely vital. And I always tell people, give it a few sessions to assess the fit and then you can always change therapists…..but don’t just give up when the first doesn’t work!!!  Myth #1 – Talk therapy doesn’t work
I am going to call this myth only HALF true/false. Talk therapy really WON’T work if you don’t want it to. If you are resistant to your counselor’s feedback about some potential behavior patterns and roadblocks that might be in the way of your true wellness in life or relationships, then counseling probably won’t work for you….but only at that time/season in your life. Resistance to change is a natural part of the growth process so instead of feeling defeated by this, just know it will pass and keep counseling as an option for when you do feel ready. The point of therapy is for a completely neutral party to reflect back to you some possible changes that need to be made in your daily routines, communication, or chosen environments.

Myth #2 – Counseling means I can’t fix (insert problem) on my own.
Can any of us fix 100% of our own problems on our own? Definitely not. Do all of us need support when we are attempting to fix some things standing in our way? Absolutely – because it’s really frickin’ hard to change!!!! Counseling is not a magic wand that will magically make your struggles disappear as soon as you enter the office. What it does insert into your life is a support person that has no preconceived notions of why you’re there, no knowledge/background of your past/family/personality and is SIMPLY hearing you. Hearing what you bring to the table…..peeling back the onion layers of thoughts and justifications that you have placed on specific events/people/behaviors…..and then helping you take steps (big or small) towards a life that you imagine could be possible for you. As human beings, we are wired to be connected to each other – that is why we mirror the way someone stands when we are talking with them or start breathing in tandem with our children while we lay in bed with them at night. No one is meant to do this life alone…..

Myth #3 – Why would I pay someone when I can just complain to my friends?
Friends are amazing and such a positive addition to anyone’s life and there is absolutely no denying that. And I hope that many of you are lucky enough to have some friends that can challenge you and push you forward in your life to be your best self. They can ask certain questions to pull out your true feelings and beliefs about certain topics and then can fully support you as you move forward. But even with those amazingly supportive friends, they still have some biases and possibly tainted “filters” on hard conversations you might have to participate in. Loving you means they may not say what needs to be said. Challenging you might mean that they themselves are put in a less than ideal position (conflicts between mutual relationships, for example). So keep those friends close….and use them for support, positive energy, fun! And acknowledge that some of their support and words may hold some natural bias…..mostly from loving you and just wanting you to be happy/healthy. A counselor wants those same things, but provides a safe environment to reflect and change some things that might be holding you back.

Myth #4 – They just sit in the office and play games for an hour with my son/daughter.
As a school counselor, this is the statement I hear the most from parents. And yes, I agree that sitting in the counseling office playing games is not effective for children but only IF playing games is the only thing going on. What many parents don’t know is that counselors (me included) use common childhood games to connect with kiddos AND give them a safe space to answer our questions. Sitting face to face with a stranger and answering questions about their feelings and family is daunting….to adults and even more so to children. So sitting side-by-side and playing a game is much less intimidating and lets the child know that you are on their “team” and want them to feel safe and supported in your office.

Here is a great real-life example of playing games with children:
Some parents/teachers might see me playing the game Candyland with my students. But what they might not know is that I have different categories associated with each color and the student gets to tell me one thing each time they draw a certain color (or two if they are lucky enough to get a double color card). For example, if the category for red is “family”, when Suzy Student pulls a red card, before she can move, she gets to tell me one thing about her family. This is a great way to build rapport with children because they don’t even know they are in a meaningful conversation – they just think they’re playing a fun game!

But with this myth, I want to follow up with this – as a parent, make sure you know the specific goals that your child is working on in counseling. It is your right to ask about the goals and see if progress is being made. It is also completely normal (and welcomed by most therapists) for you to ask how YOU can help support those goals at home (reminders of strategies, “homework challenges” to try at home, etc.). It might not be as acceptable to ask the counselor everything that the child said in session or to ask the counselor to get a certain “story” or “lie” out during a session. Protecting confidentiality with a counselor is key in letting the child feel safe and protected in the space and time of the counseling process.

When my Wonders come out of their sessions, I ask them two questions –
1. “Is there anything you want to share with me from counseling?”
2. “What do you need right now to transition back to (school/home/family time)?”

These questions let them know I care about what they talked about, I’m not going to ask them a million questions about what they said, and I acknowledge they might have talked about some hard stuff and need some extra coping strategies or time to transition back.

Wow – I wasn’t expecting to write this much but I desperately want people to know that counseling can only help a situation/family….rarely does it hurt or send someone backwards. But the best way for it to “work” and produce positive outcomes is for the individual to be open and honest in WANTING to move forward. If you are there and need some places to start looking, please visit my school webpage for a great one-stop shop of many phone number and websites that you can start exploring to start your counseling journey.

“Invisible thread of compassion”

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Tonight was a hard night. And when its hard and behaviors/feelings seem to be drowning the littles and pulling me down with them – I usually then find solace in some tv, a little wine, and some internet scrolling. And sometimes, I stumble across the exact words I needed to hear. So maybe, just maybe…..you are in need of these words as well. I love this blogger’s spin on “defeated’ and the invisible thread that holds us together and really, holds us up above the water so we don’t drown.

So to all the mama and papas that struggled tonight….you did good. Bed and a new day are near my friend…..

Foster Moms Blog (great blog – check it out)
And here I am wanting to remind myself that defeated is not getting back up or wanting to try again. Defeated is not feeling hopeful, or finding quiet moments to go deep inside and sit with the self that you know you are. Foster care can just defeat bright hopes and idyllic hearts. There are so many ways the unpredictability, the casual and unusual pains weighs on us, and leave us feeling defeated. Maybe you’re feeling that tonight too. Maybe tough behavior, tough days and endless uncertainty is making your day tough right alongside me. Friends, tomorrow we’ll get up again and try. Defeat is when there are no voices of solidarity or support. If you’re feeling this- here’s our solidarity – our togetherness. I’m in it too. We’re in it together and moving through it. And I’m working on memorizing the Loving Compassion meditation so I can hold onto compassion for myself and then in turn offer it freely to those I love, perhaps especially when it’s hard. We are exhausted. We are mending broken hearts and weathering tough stuff. And while it actually feels like it, we’re not yet defeated. Tomorrow when I rise and begin again I’ll think of the one or two others who are in the midst of this with me. Us. And there is our invisible thread of compassion – tying all of us together.

Worn out and waking tomorrow to hold compassion and connection in my days. Right beside you.

So while my affirmation last week was “I am perfectly supported”, I may just tweak it a bit to affirm that “My wonders are perfectly supported” over and over, until I can find some solace in that belief.