Category Archives: Parenting

On the broken leg

Posted on by

….and how God used this little tibia to give me some needed reminders about my role in WonderGIRL’s world. For those of you that know our family….you know we LLLLOOOOVVVEEEE going to the Trampoline Zone. So on one fateful trip, WonderGIRL was showing off her front flip moves and cracked a bone (insert entire ER admitting staff rolling their eyes here). And although she showed us yet again how absolutely tough she is through it all….a few lessons stuck out to me that I thought I would document and share.
WG and I had been battling pretty good the last couple of months. As a typical teenager, she was pushing boundaries with us her parents and testing out her independence in some areas. As a non-typical teenager whose brain and impulse control is greatly impacted by her trauma, she was questioning the adoption and pushing us away in fear that all of this permanency stuff was really just a dream. Her nightmares of us leaving/dying/divorcing were happening nightly and her behavior aimed at creating distance between us and her.

But of course….I’m only processing all of that brilliantly and with compassion in true perfect HINDSIGHT because while I was in it…..you better believe there were more swear words than empathy in my brain regarding the lying, manipulation and defiance that triggered me day in and day out.And not that God knew that one month into being “legal parents” we would need a reminder that we are never fully in control of keeping our kiddos safe from every harm. But I am questioning whether or not HE intentionally set up a scenario where our beloved WonderGIRL grace would break her leg in order to teach me a few things…..

Some truly magic events happened immediately after the break, I bathed my child. I helped her walk. I did her hair. I picked out her clothes. Things I never got to do with her because we got her at age 11….when she could already do those things herself and where some of those things were not appropriate due to her abuse. I got to mother my child in ways and from stages that I never got to experience in real time. And during those times, her eyes lit up, she was giddy, and I fell more in love with her than I already was. It was true attachment in a way that I’m sure my education and training had told me to do in other ways before this point but I chose to ignore (insert my hubby being right about this very thing and rolling his eyes when he reads this here).

This NEED for me and my care reminded me of her NEED for this attachment, even when her biological age doesn’t call for it and even when my education and training tell me what is appropriate/inappropriate for her. This mom-tuition is real and I love that God gifted me with it to care with such amazing and vulnerable little beings.

When I gave up as a parent…..

Posted on by

….and decided to be a learner instead. 

Many people encouraged us that our kiddos’ behavior would settle down around the adoption/after the adoption from the comfort that will come from having a forever home. Throughout the past couple of weeks, WonderBOY’s behavior has done just that. He is using his words, calming down on his own, and showing increasing levels of affection towards us as his caregivers. With many comparisons between the two, we got WB much younger in his trauma and his brain was so much more READY to receive love and re-wiring and we are so proud of the work that he has done with regards to his own regulation of his body and emotions. He has responded amazingly well to Trust-Based Relational Intervention approaches introduced to us by some of our foster/adoptive parents tribe.

WonderGIRL on the other hand came to us with such severe trauma and brain disregulation – we have truly been on a rollercoaster ride on how to parent her and how to retrain her brain with regards to behavior choices, learning cause and effect, and being at the mercy of her severe deficits in working memory. Her lying behaviors in particular seem to trigger my own insecurities around parenting – thus making a negative environment both for her and I during these daily hourly battles.

After a few bouts of grounding as an experimental consequence, Scott and I realized that we were essentially grounding ourselves during this time with NO behavior change from her. We even pulled her in to tell her that while we were not giving up on HER, we were giving up on trying to punish her for her behavior. We would try a new approach….

As many current parents do in times of struggle – I went straight to Amazon to see if I could find some resources that were direct and to the point about a new approach we could try. After devouring the first book in 2 days, I HIGHLY recommend these titles to any parents of kids with trauma struggling with symptoms most often referred to from a Reactive Attachment Disorder lens. Forbes and Post take traditional approaches and views and contrast them with their own suggestions that come from treating all behaviors as fear-based behaviors in a very real and easy-to-implement way that I love and want to pass along to anyone that may benefit.

I love this quote that if nothing else, gave me permission to prioritize love over expectations and relationship over right vs. wrong….something I felt in my heart but was having a much harder time implementing in real-time:
“Love-based parenting elevates the importance of the relationship to the highest position. No homework assignment, no chore, and no social etiquette is ever more important than than the parent-child relationship. Maintaining connectedness and attunement, thereby sustaining the balance of love of self and love of child, is the primal outcome of every interaction the parent has with the child. When this is achieved, the other less significant items will take care of themselves.”

My next step includes reading the same author’s take on how we can help and support these children within the school setting….what a great win-win for me when I can apply similar philosophies at both home and work!

On our adoption day

Posted on by

I know it’s been a whole week and a bit since our adoption and I’ve been planning to do a re-cap on this blog, but it seems so HUUUUGGEEEE and lovely as an event, that it’s hard to put my feelings into words…..thus I just let the feelings sit in my heart and “marinate” as I like to say. So I will just add a few pictures from the day with a few words and go from there…..perhaps my processing will grow in the future and I can look back and journal more thoughts.

Opening the box from our wedding that included our vows, notes from our parents, and a special bottle of wine was a fun way to start off the night before the adoption. The kiddos were involved and were so excited that we had prayed and thought about adding them to our lives before we had even met them. The night before was hard hard hard…..the kiddos were extremely overwhelmed with such a huge event looming and WonderBOY sobbed with big man tears in my arms for about 20 minutes before being soothed to bed with a promise that he would feel better once it all got taken care of. A combination of leaving their past behind them and mistrust that it’s all too good to be true are common feelings when kiddos get adopted out of the foster system.

A special day should always include two things: new fresh outfits and oversized balloons. This mantra has influenced most celebrations I am involved with….including my wedding where balloons were one of the major costs of the whole day. Here we are trying to get everything in line for a picture (and away from those hot lights in the court hallway).

Judge U. is the same judge that we had for the criminal trial against the Wonders’ biological father so both him and this courtroom had many mixed feelings for all of us that were involved in that trying process. But on THIS DAY, he graced us with this gift of a forever family and he delivered that gift with kindness, gentleness and joy (breaking out the Thor gavel just for WB) and for that, we are so grateful.

Check out this tribe of amazing people below that have been such a big part of the creation and continued support of our family. All grandparents got to be present (including the Wonders’ biological grandmother and grandfather) and our team from the legal side of this process (social workers, lawyers, and guardians).

This lady right here was the kiddos’ first social worker and the one that really had to make the HARDEST decisions for them and for their family. The only tears from the day came when I got to hug her and thank her for everything she had to do and endure to keep these children in our care. She is not even a current social worker with DCFS and made a special trip and day off from her job to come celebrate with our family. We love her so much!!!

Even though the rain was falling throughout the whole morning, right after our court appointment was finished and pictures were taken….the amazing Fall sunshine came out! I love this shot of the trees behind us during this season that is all about change and transition….trees shedding their past leaves and getting ready to begin new growth and prepare for a brand new season of life….just like Team Brave Dinosaurs!

After our picture session was up to my liking (thank you Stori and Elke for your patience and understanding of my extremely rigid expectations), we enjoyed a yummy lunch at Scotty Browns and then some Menchies right after (shocking I’m sure)!!! What a lovely time talking through the morning and answering very sweet questions from the kiddos. Hearing WB call Scott “Daddy” over and over melted my heart time and time again. Since their biological father was a main source of stress and fear for both kiddos, they have always been at different levels of comfort with using this label for him. Hearing these words out of both of their mouths is a tangible sign that their hearts are healing.

Thank you again for all of your amazing kind words, cards, and special celebrations for our little family. We are so blessed to have you in our lives and I know that one of the special parts of joining our family for WB and WG is all of the extra people that have graced them with love, patience and true acceptance along the way.

On the proposal

Posted on by

Children in the foster system have a million and one decisions made FOR them and TO them. One common character trait of MOST foster children include a need to control their environment….which of course comes from their complete lack of control in their past and their previous families. Knowing this, we wanted to make sure that our older wonders knew that our pending adoption was as much under their control as it was the state’s and ours.

Therefore, we decided to propose to them similar to a marriage proposal. We wanted them to know we respected them enough to truly give them the choice. But even more, we wanted them to know without doubt that we CHOSE them to be our forever son and daughter and that we are HONORED they would even want to be part of our beautiful mess of a family in the first place. The video is too long to post so here is a link to it on youtube: TBD Adoption Proposal. Enjoy!

Although this video is very sentimental and beautiful, it includes so much of the reality of our family….braces malfunctions, nervous outbursts of behavior and avoidance, and most of all, the love and laughter we get to all share together on a daily basis.

Many people have asked if the video meant that our adoption was final….and no, we haven’t had our official court proceeding yet but we already have a judge assigned to us and are awaiting some available times so it’s coming soon soon soon!

Thank you to all who have left messages and comments of love and support to our little family – it means a lot to all of us and I’m glad our video brought a little joy to your lives during a weekend and events in Burlington that left us all saddened and grieving.

On having a nanny….

Posted on by

When Scott and I were brainstorming about our Fall craziness and how to lessen the impact on our little wonders’ need for consistently and structure – we had many conflicting feelings about hiring a “nanny.” Would that mean we’re not taking responsibility for our own kiddos? Will she take care of them with as much urgency as needed in their particular situation? And most importantly, would someone be able to handle their behaviors and tantrums and not be scared away???

Our initial interview with our amazing current “WonderNanny” was much more about laying out what could happen under her watch and then seeing if she was up to the challenge. And oh man, we are so grateful she was. She jumped in, attached instantly to WB and WG and has been such a positive light in their lives. Please check out these amazing gifts she sends our way to surprise them.

And then came….

And in the end, every family needs different amounts of support and structure and WonderNanny completely gives us some respite and breaks during a season we need it the most – and for that, we are so grateful she fell into our lap.  We love her so much!

**Many people ask how we found WonderNanny. It went a little something like me browsing care.com and then being shocked at the price of using the site per month. Then stalking nannies I liked and looking them up on FB to see if they might fit. A couple of messages later and voila! No fee, easy communication and a bit of a care.com hack if you will.**

1 year Blog-a-versary….what I’ve learned along the way

Posted on by

It’s official! I have been blogging, ranting, enabling for about a year now and thought I would document this occasion with a few thoughts about what I’ve learned and enjoyed so far about this little experiment into the public journaling world.

  1. Writing about my experiences and adventures has brought about a great sense of peace and understanding…..there is something very therapeutic about processing one’s own thoughts through writing. Thinking about our struggles and our joys in a “big picture” kind of way when trying to put them into words has helped me gain insight and perspective into our family journey (particularly the struggles with the foster system that have irked me throughout the past year).
  2. As a follow up to #1, my irritability level has significantly decreased because I have something (someone??? all you readers) to share my emotions with and release those stress hormones through the creative expression of writing. I’m sure my husband and wonders definitely appreciate this one throughout our daily life.
  3. Keeping up with posts can be hard at times….I feel like the thoughts in my head are not all that exciting or I struggle with how much to share publicly. But once I realize that those thoughts about what others will think is really just about my own perception and not rooted in the WHY of this blog, I can move forward and more ideas flow into my brain.
  4. I hope that my blog has highlighted some of the joys and the struggle of fostering little ones. There are no two foster situations alike so our journey as Team Brave Dinosaurs is not an example and highlight of what it could/should like…..but I hope this blog (and however I choose to publish it) will be a solid document in years to come for WonderGIRL and WonderBOY. I hope they get to read it later and hear my thoughts, my love, and my passion for them as we grew our family through this process.
  5. One of my favorite lessons learned from this blog is something that I have been very much missing from my scrapbook days….and that is the ability to pay attention to ALL the moments with my family and document them. The big exciting adventures are great and I want to remember those forever…..but the tiny, funny moments and quotes???? Those are the ones that fill my heart with such immeasurable joy and contentment with my life that I can’t wait to look back on and relive….like WB modeling his new vest or meeting my new neice for the first time. All the feels over and over.


Coming later this week – a request for suggestions on what to blog about next AND a giveaway with two of my favorite “game-changer” products that I want to pass along to two of my readers who I appreciate so much!

 

Grieving from the inside out…

Posted on by

Do these faces look like kids who are grieving????? (especially in that cutie patootie trailer they are posing in?)

Oftentimes, when people get to meet our little wonders, there are comments about how happy they are, well-behaved, polite, lucky to have us, etc. etc. And while those comments are probably true at that specific point in time (WB and WG do their best work in public), there is definitely some grieving going on right now. Evidence – tandem tantrums from the two of them a few nights back in the Target aisles after playing “spy” and hiding from me and then getting lost in the grocery section quickly thereafter – only strangers got to witness that fun adventure. Their grief comes out behind closed doors with us who are now their circle of safety and security. With legal adoption on the horizon (within months!!!), one might guess/assume that the one thing they’ve been begging social workers for since we got them 2 1/2 years ago would be creating some comfort or relief. But in contrast, it has really confused them and they are grieving what I would call “the life that could have/should have” been.

WonderGIRL is still resolving some conflicts around forgiveness and her trauma. Thus, her behavior has been extra defiant and manipulative as of late. We are trying to set boundaries and give appropriate consequences balanced with compassion and then my heart breaks when I hear her ask “Will this make you not want to adopt me?” She messes up and then the guilt from that catapults into so many other conflicting emotions – poor thing.

WonderBOY has always had hard feelings around his birthday and his birth story. The past couple of weeks, bed time has brought about many tears with statements like “I wish I had been born from your tummy” and “I want a re-do of everything that happened to me”. On one day he might be so excited to “be adopted and have a party” and then other days, he truly questions whether or not this is what he wants. We take all of his words and his thoughts at face value and try to provide the reassurance that he needs. Luckily, his self-regulation has gotten to a good point where he can actually talk about his feelings without violence or aggression (thank you counseling!!!!!).

I am writing this post just to reflect and process this point of the journey, not to make any comparisons or seek out sympathy for what we’re going through. Obviously, Scott and I are extremely excited we get to move forward with our family in a legal sense and I hope in some years, we can look back at this point in time and acknowledge how far the kids are going to come with their emotions and behaviors. While grief about their past will not do a disappearing act the day our adoption goes through, we are hopeful that a true “permanent” decision will provide some calm in their hearts and minds.

Do your littles need some help with proper teeth brushing?

Posted on by

One of the things we still monitor and manage closely with our littles is proper hygiene and care of their bodies and teeth. Because routines and expectations weren’t managed at young ages, they still tend to lie and manipulate their way out of certain healthy routines. Teeth brushing is one of them….and especially with WG getting her braces on a while back – we want to scaffold their independence in these tasks. I read about this app called “Magic Timer” from Oral B and we fell in love with from first download and use.

Each child gets to set up their own “brusher” with different characters. If you purchase an Oral B toothbrush (fairly cheap), then you can scan the toothbrush character and that’s what your theme will be.Then each time, your little goes to brush, the timer plays with music and the toothbrush magically erases a secret picture. The brush moves to remind your child to move their toothbrush around and even gives prompts for appropriate “spit” time. Two minutes can seem like such a long time to young children (or hurried teens for that matter), so watching this scene unfold is a great way to pass the time.Try it out and impress your dentist on that next routine exam!!!

Happy Fathers Day!

Posted on by


Dear Scott thank you for saving money .

Remmber when we went to hobe town that  was fun.

I like play at the park.

Ilove you when you  care about me .

have a good fathers day.

love WonderBOY,
——————————————————————————————————————

Dear Scott,                                                                                                                                Thanks for always being my protector and its true you will be the only superman I have thanks for a good year and a fun one too. I love hanging out with you. Through my eye rolling and my attitude I love you very much. Happy Father’s Day I hope you have a good day.

Love, WonderGIRL

Intentional Summer 2k16

Posted on by

We are heading into summer #3 with our wonders this year and after a lot of trial and error with what worked for our family and our children, we are excited to put some different things in place this year to set us ALL up for success and restoration. My wonders feel very threatened by unpredictability…..one of the many reasons that they both feel safe and secure during structured and predictable school days. During the summer, all I want to do is NOT have a schedule so that I can repair my soul and build my energy back up before the Fall. And therein lies the dilemma we have hit in the past.

After attending a workshop hosted by my friend Elizabeth McKinley, inspiring many families to not let summer pass us by, we got to draft what our INTENTIONAL summers will look like on these great posters. The kiddos and I enjoyed drafting out 2.5 months of fun adventures on the big calendar and getting excited about all that we get to do in our time off together.To help with our dilemma of structure vs. free-time, I decided to come up with a daily schedule for the days where we are at home for a majority of the day with nothing on the big calendar. We drafted time slots for different tasks we want done each day. This includes time for our modified home-summer school time and independent time (both wonders need practice at entertaining themselves and playing alone without adult direction). And then we leave the afternoons for getting out of the house for different activities. Free bowling, Trampoline Zone memberships, and the great parks around our county will be filling up our weeks and I know the kids will be excited no matter which option we choose!The nice part about this schedule for ME is that I know which times of our days I will have for my own restorative needs like reading, scrapbooking, or blogging and can plan accordingly while the kids are fulfilling their scheduled duties. I can also plan meet ups with friends and family around this schedule in my beloved new planner.

If your kiddos have a hard time with unstructured days….this scheduling system might be a good experiment to try! As a small sidenote, I am a firm believer to not structure my wonders’ PLAY (what we call independent time)….we tell them often that “boredom is a choice” and I want them to problem solve and be creative on their own. But that doesn’t mean I can’t provide predictability in the times when they will get to make those free choices and the times when we will adventure out as a family unit.

If you are interested in more inspirational content around keeping your family healthy and happy inside and out, please consider following me on Instagram under the username ROOTEDWELL.