9 years ago my little man came into this world….3 years ago he bounced/raced/collided into our life and changed it forever. 
(Photos gifted to us by bio Grandmother after disclosing how much of a trigger birthdays are for WB. This baby books gets looked at nightly heading into a birthday….so grateful she gave it to us.)
Category Archives: Parenting
On continuing education….
…for this trauma mama journey I’m on. This podcast is an awesome weekly reminder to keep practicing small steps in a completely overwhelmingly large journey towards trust and healing through relationship with our kiddos.
Based off of the Trust Based Relational Intervention approach by Dr. Karen Purvis (TBRI), I love how calm these speakers are and how easy some of their suggestions can be. Shorter episodes, huge content…..great for family members AND educators and anyone working with children. Even without trauma, these practices are just good solid parenting skills. Hope you’ll check it out!
Quote from the above episode that I love love love: “Healing is always disruptive and always has side effects you don’t want.” Let’s get our messy healing on shall we???
on my “why”….
I’ve had a few people ask me lately about all of the different things I do and how busy/hard-working I must be….so I thought I would share a little bit about my very intentional purposes in CHOOSING (because I don’t like the term “too busy”) what I engage in and the amazing people I get to engage WITH along the way.
As a counselor, I am in love with the concept and reality of each person having a story. Stories that involve relationships, ups and downs, milestones and miseries, and everything in between. And the more I learned about and experienced these stories first hand or through my profession, I became obsessed intrigued by the stigma around all things “hard” in those stories. We, as Americans, have a really hard time talking about our struggles…..as if those struggles = failure. The stigma around mental health in particular is one that I am passionate about. Both in my field of counseling, but also in my newer passion of natural wellness through essential oils – I am driven to break down these walls and invite people to openly share struggles with ALL steps of their journey. We are usually fairly open about physical ailments, but the relational, mental, and emotional struggles have an entire set of different “social norms” that hurt us by keeping them hidden.
Mamas, in particular, have a hard time sharing struggles. It is all too easy to compare ourselves to the perfect Instagram Mamas and Pinterest inspiration and feel like we’re never doing enough. Along with that comes anxiety, depression and insecurities about our everyday lives. But by sharing those struggles with others, it opens up the opportunity to welcome and receive SUPPORT and help for those very struggles. And the ripple effect is that others feel open and honest in sharing their struggles too (the biggest way to combat social stigma is by sharing about your own – easier said than done of course).
So this is why I do what I do….bringing stories out of the dark and into the light, stepping out of my comfort zone to involve myself in others’ struggles to hopefully be helpful (or sometimes just to be available, no action needed), and every once in a while, empowering kids and parents with tools they might need to relieve even just a fraction of a struggle…..victory and miracle achieved.
Feel free to follow along on my RootedWELL Instagram page – right now there’s a super cute video of WonderBOY filling up his oils keychain for school (melt my heart). All things family wellness posted there…..
Just when you think…..
you’re doing pretty good at this parenting kids from hard places gig…..
- felt safety: making the child feel boundaries and safety even when afraid – check
- give the child choices and control – check
- make them feel heard – we have nightly talk times to make sure they process all of the feelings from their days – check
- increasing gratitude by talking about it and praising their behaviors/efforts often – check
- advocate for them, especially in school when successes happen differently than for other students – check
- gaining tools and training as parents so that we can provide the best care possible for our child – check
- understanding their behavior as strengths they possessed to stay safe in their previous trauma and to choose our battles in discipline – check
AND even then….your child from a hard place can still break your heart into a million pieces and send you into a delirious, anxious, basket case by running away from your safe home and changing the course of your own felt safety as a parent forever and ever.
About a week ago, with my husband half a world away, I got a phone call at midnight from the police who had WonderGIRL at a gas station downtown after she escaped from our home (and the new dozens of windows and doors that we hadn’t thought we needed to alarm). First of all, I am super thankful that WG is pretty small, thus altering a concerned citizen to call the police about a “little girl walking in the dark.” Second of all, I am extremely proud of the police officers who didn’t believe WG’s first story claiming her previous last name and who her guardian was. They took extra effort in charging her dead cell phone and calling the person listed as Mama to reach me and although that phone call shook me to my core, I am thankful they found me at all.
I lived in fear and in tears for that entire first week….kept both kiddos in my room at night and barricaded the doors. I lost my patience at least 73 times a day as my fuse was short and the actual amount of time I could sleep was even shorter. I wondered how we would make it through these teenage years alive if her only complaint about our family was that “she had rules” would compel her to put herself into extreme danger without a thought in her head of another option during that particular day and night.
And now that we are a week out with my husband who flew home early from his mission trip, a ton of prayers gifted to us from our inner-circle tribe, and a team of devoted mental health professionals and doctors that have spoon-fed me next steps – I am at a place to give up this situation to my greater power and trust that HE will HAVE to take this on, because I, alone cannot prevent everything harmful from happening to my not-so-little WonderGIRL. She has to go through the lectures and the restrictions…..she has to endure the extra security system on her doors and windows and the safety plan of escorts at her school…..she has to feel guilty about seeing her parents in tears more than ever before…..and all in my hopes that she will remember this experience as one she never wants to repeat again.
I am sure I will have more to process on this later – but I appreciate your supportive words and prayers offered through my Facebook page and you continued love and support for our little, messy family as we navigate new, deep, and treacherous waters. Although I am grieving the loss of an innocence I once believed my WonderGIRL to have, I also know I need to grow right alongside her and widen my understanding of her brain and trauma so I can keep her safe and guide her towards a productive life in the future. I also have faith that we will get to look back at this experience and remember how far we have come…..together.
on a new kind of heartache….
I had big plans to set up multiple blog posts during my Spring Break. Something big and hard hit our family this past week and I find myself grieving on a daily hourly basis…..something I want to write about and process before other posts get published.
And I’m not there yet…..and I’m okay with that. Today, as our little family breaks out of our home that has been a bit of a prison for the past 9 days and jumps onto a ferry to enjoy the sunshine and enjoy each other – I pray for more laughter than lectures, more smiles than tears, and more comfort than fear.
and on his 9th trip to Haiti….
I am in awe of his passion and love for this country and their people. I love that this little country (and the Haitian babes) brought us together and paved an amazing path of compassion and service for our future relationship. Here is a picture from 2011 on our second trip together (also known as my most favorite picture of us EVER)….
Unfortunately, my beloved anxious traveler is having a few doubts about leaving us (but mostly the kiddos) for his trip with an amazing charity called One Spirit Medical Missions. We would love your prayers and calming thoughts for him as he travels for the next day and impacts the children and people of Haiti in huge ways through medical outreach for the next 10 days. I am so proud of his work and even more excited that our wonders get to observe firsthand what it looks like to have a servant’s heart and sacrifice comforts, money and leisurely time with us for a greater purpose that he has been called to.
Please also pray for WonderGIRL and WonderBOY to have faith that Daddy will come back home safe and sound and for their own anxious hearts to be filled with the same love and admiration that I do thinking about his outpouring of love and passion for Haiti.
A mother’s comfort…..
Yesterday’s church service was a message of hope and encouragement…..using excerpts from Psalm 139, our Pastor spoke eloquently about God knowing us intimately and before we were even a glimmer in someone’s eyes. My own brain and heart was filled with comfort, knowing that there was a plan for me all along and that I was “fearfully and wonderfully” made to do good things. Knowing that “everyday of my life was recorded in (His) book” was communicated in order for us to trust and have faith in that which we do not know.
However, for my trauma-filled WonderGIRL, today’s message brought out anger and deep-rooted abandonment fears. Did God know what was going to happen to her when He “knit her together?” And if He did know, why did He let that happen? Why did her Mom forget about her when Moms weren’t supposed to do that? And of course the fear of “will my Mom now forget how to love me and leave me too?” Her questions and tears filled our car on the way home from church. But then later they turned to vicious words and looks toward me over teeny tiny issues.
What I attributed as “teenage behavior”, my amazing husband saw as much more (which I appreciated once I got over my disappointment in being wrong). Identifying that her hard feelings in the morning were connected to her behavior toward me later brought about a huge sense of relief in her that I just had no idea was there. This took our parenting approach from the forcing of “respectful re-do’s” and safety plans to an approach to get out her angry thoughts and assure her that I would never leave. I asked her to pretend her biological mother was sitting with us and invited her to say anything she felt like saying as I typed a letter recording her words.
Here is a small excerpt of her letter:
Why did you even have me if you were just going to pass me off a million different times? What was the point of having two kids if you never paid attention to them? (WB) was little so he doesn’t understand.. All he knows is that me and (Dad’s girlfriend) were the only people that talked to him. I understood that you didn’t care but he didn’t. I understood that I wanted you to be part of my life but you never cared enough to show up or try.
You didn’t come to the court date. It’s like you didn’t want us. You thought “oh well it doesn’t work.” It’s always worth a try when it comes to family. I usually give up but I go back and try to figure it out. Like one time I went to the dentist and I was doing homework before that and when I came back, the homework was easier.
Also, I wish you realized what you had and then you lost it.
And then I got to hold her, re-assure her, and send her off to bed with the kind of comfort that is supposed to come from a mother. I share this story and this message because it documents the filter of a trauma-impacted brain and how we can sometimes think we are comforting or encouraging someone, when it is actually increasing their fear and doubts even further. WonderGIRL specifically is often told by well-intentIoned youth leaders to pray and forgive the people that have wronged her, which sometimes pushes her into further depression and confusion around her abuse. We are still navigating these triggers delicately and would love some sage guidance from any of you trauma-mamas out there on how to have these conversations……until then, we just take one day at a time with great love and even greater patience.
On the transition…
Many people have asked how the transition to the new house has been on our sweet little Wonders. I had this post scheduled for today with only pictures (mattress store selfies while Dad does the shopping negotiating everything else less important than laying on beds and taking pics with the kiddos) but then wrote it last night when a few other transitions had popped up to cope with and process as well.
WonderBOY was extremely anxious about moving. He was typically pretty anxious in our old home, never wanting to be on a separate floor from us and on most nights, ending up on the floor in our room or at the top of the stairs sleeping so he can hear us watching tv downstairs. I remember the day that Scott got our keys to the new place and started moving our first load…..we came in after the packing and as soon as WB saw the “empty” living room, he just started crying. The fear of not knowing where “our things” went was very hard for him.
The deep fears of loss and abandonment not only get attached to people, but to belongings that hold memories and comfort for this little man. Assuring him that our things were indeed at the new house and even his self-packed boxes were waiting for him in his new room were not enough…..after another load was packed, he was filled with relief and joy when seeing his new room and his “stuff.” So excited in fact, that he didn’t even look at the rest of the house and got to work right away organizing his room. So sweet…..since settling in, he has started to feel more comfortable and has even tested out sleeping in his own room (even though we are on separate floors now and out of earshot). Throwing our big “snow week” into the mix after the move may have done more damage than good with transitioning as my little man craves structure and routine and that week had absolutely ZERO of that. I am looking forward to a few weeks of normal schedule here to get us back on track.
WonderGIRL has loved the move to our new house, due to the fact that she has some fun girl friends she already knows that live close by (thank you coaching world for inserting players and their younger sisters into our tribe for this very benefit). Working on her room together and giving her more independence with the kitchen and more breathing room is going to be such a positive for her.
WG has been praying for more “foster siblings” since we moved as we had to renew our home study and paperwork last week. In a fate-filled turn of events, two sweet young girls came home with us for a short-term stay (on the very date WG and WB came home with us three years prior – crazy right?). The one thing WG thought she was missing from her life came with some very hard feelings when the reality of that wish came true. Feelings of “being replaced” and jealousy toward the other girls in the house were big topics of conversation as we cared for new friends in our home and shared our rooms, our meals, and our love. I have faith this will get easier for her as we continue to open our homes to children in need and start trusting that she is ours forever and ever, no matter who we get to love on and care for temporarily.
As I shared the news today with my Wonders that our new friends wouldn’t be coming back home with us tonight and that they were waiting for a new plan at the CPS office, WG promptly replied “Shouldn’t we go sit with them? They are probably so scared.” Tears start forming as I remember this because I knew they were scared too but didn’t have the same panic response as her who lived it and endured it a few years back and THAT breaks my heart and makes me love her so so much all at the same time. It is moments and statements like these (which I NEED) to remind me that this girl is:
1. a fighter and has endured tragic events so much worse than I can even imagine.
2. ready to care for others (probably better then she can care for herself).
3. learning about compassion and perspective taking in some big ways.
4. someone that can use her trauma to help others, maybe only to inspire them when she thrives as a hopeful story but also to connect in ways that may of us truly can’t understand.
Holiday highlights 2016
Holidays are pretty magical with kiddos – our favorite parts often are smaller moments that come from seeing old friends, completing our Christmas countdown activities, and celebrating the birth of Jesus. Although presents are fun and exciting, I feel like our little fam does a good job balancing the small joy of those with the BIGGER joy of being together and showing acts of compassion towards others.
I am lucky in that some of my bests come home each year to see THEIR family which gives me some small moments to sneak in visits and dates out of the house. Matching sweaters for the festive win!
My littlest niece is the cutest right??? So smiley…..
And my oldest niece from my side is pretty darn cute herself…..same size as WonderBOY and just as tough. Love her to pieces!
This year, my family served at a Cornwall church service and we got to hand out links as families walked in. What a great practice of social cues for WG (eye contact and facial expressions) and a fun privilege for WB who loves sneaking into “big human” church when he can! Favorite song from our service this year from him included a peppy version of “Go Tell It On the Mountain” in which he sung “go tell it! go go tell it!” all night long.
WonderGIRL’s gift from Santa – a new instax camera. Super cute, actually good quality photos and some fun accessories to go with it. Also, check her new Christmas eve HAPPY JAMS – so many emojies, so many selfies, so little time…..
WonderBOY’s “something you want” gift from us was this starter BB gun. Scott is big on teaching him appropriate gun safety so safety glasses are a must. I think this pic of him in his new robe and snowboots (a white Christmas for once!) with Scott in shorts and romeo’s behind him are pretty darn cute so I had to include it here!
Our favorite gift this year was surprising the kiddos with a Disney Cruise for NEXT Christmas. Scott and I have been saving all of our overtime (his) and doTerra commissions (me) towards this trip for over a year now and we’re too excited to wait even a year. They had to embark on their annual scavenger hunt for this present which was a surprise at the very end of the morning.
With all of the Hoelzle children together in a household, shenanigans often arise. This year, Mom surprised us with our favorite childhood meal, “red weiners”!!! You can see our excitement below. Along with this meal, there are some strict meal guidelines one must follow: 1. Create an appropriate mashed potato volcano for the gravy to rest in before eating. 2. Enjoy this delicacy made of dollar store ketchup and hot dogs by pretending treating it like the best meal you’ve ever eaten.
The family fantasy football league championship game down to me versus my older brother, BJ this year. The deciding game was MNF’s Dallas game. Off to Buffalo Wild Wings with the children in tow we went (tablets to keep them occupied…..boneless wings to keep BJ satisfied). The “Audrey” trophy sat atop our table the entire time, which attracted a large number of waiters coming over to join in on the rivalry. Here I am posing with MY new trophy as I was declared the winner early in the 4th quarter of the game. First time winning for me – woot woot!
Safely buckled for the ride home with Mama!
Other fun memories I want to document:
– playing Pie Face and BeanBoozled for the first time with friends and family
– Scott and his lack of rhyming skills for the scavenger hunt
– my experiments with the Instant pot and mini cheesecakes for Christmas dessert
– Christmas extravaganza with Mallory and Travis at Warm Beach with 20 degree weather to see the Lights of Christmas (never again)
– Snow days and late starts to school
– Santa train with the McConkeys out in Blaine (must do if you didn’t get a chance this year)
On my favorite ornaments….
For the past three years, I’ve added a photo ornament to my Christmas cards order from Tiny Prints and I love giving them away to grandparents and adding them to our ornament collections. This one was from the “just married” collection but I think it pertains to our first Christmas as a forever family as well.
WonderBOY coming home from school with these adorable handmade ornaments are dang precious….this year, he chose to gift his to special Uncle Jake which makes my heart a teeny sad, but happy that he is spreading the handmade love around.
This was our version of a “baby’s first christmas” ornament by gluing sweet pictures of the kiddos to snowflakes and writing on the back. It will be fun to look back on these in years to come and remember their sweet faces the first couple of months they lived with us.
Another Tiny Prints ornament from our first crazy and lovey year together in 2014.
This was a very PIN-spired ornament I made the first year we lived in our home. I love the imprint of our key (although it’s ironic because I don’t think I’ve used that key even one time since I’ve lived here). Our address is hiding under that green star. 
Once my first niece was born, I thought it would be cute to document her adorable little hand as a Christmas ornament. Now that my brother has three adorable little ladies, these are some of my favorite ornaments to unpack.
And last but not least, one of my childhood bests, Taryn, made this for me in high school and I love love love it. So creative even before Pinterest Tare!!!
Tonight is our annual sleepover and movie marathon sleeping around the Christmas tree where I can’t wait to admire all of this cuteness!