Category Archives: Parenting

On being a leader….

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Each year, Scott and I attend the Global Leadership Summit, streamed live at Cornwall and each year, I walk away with some amazing take-aways about how to better myself as a leader, both on the court, in the building I’m working at, and within our family with our kiddos and my husband. In order to keep these take-aways fresh in my brain as we transition to fall, I thought I would record them here as a way to process these amazing two days full of speakers that truly spoke into my heart and life in big ways.

Bill Hybels (pastor of huge church in Chicago) –
Nugget: God is an equal opportunity storywriter and every leader can be developed into something great.
Action: Foster young leaders and affirm their leadership material (2 minute conversation for lifetime impact). Take chair time each day to read, reflect, pray, surrender and let leadership ideas come into your space.

Sheryl Sanberg (Facebook CEO, woman crush, author of Lean In)-
Nugget: Switch from post-traumatic stress disorder to post-traumatic GROWTH. Helping others fix the common mistakes of grieving (personalization, pervasiveness, permanence). We shouldn’t measure how much resilience someone already has but focus on how to build it.
Action: Keep the course in walking with others who are experiencing grief/trauma right now in their families/marriages/childhoods. Foster gratitude and joy each day within our littles so their growth is bigger than their grief.

Marcus Lemonis (business guru, from The Profit tv show) –
Marcus was adopted and talked about this mom “being able to adopt” instead of “unable to have biological children” and I loved this phrase and mindset so much. We get a lot of questions about having our own biological children and the simple answer is….we are able to foster and adopt and that’s it.

Bryan Stevenson (wrote Just Mercy about the unfair incarceration and justice needed for so many African Americans – must read, can borrow my copy!) –
Nugget: Hopelessness is the enemy of justice and leadership. We must choose psychological and physical discomfort in order to enact change. The broken teach use how grace is SUPPOSED to work. The opposite of poverty is justice, not wealth.
Action: What am I doing to foster hope within my elementary students, families and staff?

Andy Stanley (pastor/leadership author) –
Nugget: If we were to do it all over again, what would we do all over again? Being a leader and leading are two different things.
Action: When looking at data/stats – focus on successes and then how to “make it better”

Day 1 – done and done. My brain was full but my heart was ignited…..

 

Update on WonderGIRL

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Many of you have been asking how my little (okay not so little) WonderGIRL has been doing after a rough end of middle school and through this summer transition into high school. Thank you for caring about her and us and our household enough to ask these questions knowing that the answer might not be (and most likely won’t be) the coveted “miracle” transformation of a young girl saved by her adopted forever family.

I don’t share a lot of WG’s personal story on here because it is HERS and hers alone to share. But I will share my own story and that is one of struggle on how to help, when to not help, when to step back, when to step in and all the decisions and doubt about these decisions creep in to my brain and camp there for days and nights on end.

The beautiful and messy thing with kids with trauma is that when you DO dive into their story and find a counselor/coach/intervention that will help them, all the feelings and all the triggers come back into your world stealing your lovable little person away from you and inserting tantrums and hurtful words around every corner.  While stuffing those memories and those feelings is often the EASIER route….it is not often the healthy one. So I sat back after WG’s 4th counselor moved onto a different career away from a community agency and waited for the RIGHT counselor and a specifically trained counselor in attachment, as my Mama gut knew that THIS piece was so much more important than just talking about her past abuse. Even though that meant our daughter wasn’t involved in every professional’s most urgent suggestion to have her in counseling after she ran away….I knew in my heart this was what needed to happen.

And two sessions in with an amazing new counselor that included lots of tears and attacks toward me but with someone that WG finally trusted…..I am so grateful I did this because we have REAL feelings now people! My once overly numb WonderGIRL is feeling things in a new way and actually talking about them…..these feelings being unveiled right now sound like verbal attacks on me and comparisons to her biological mom and I am sooooo okay with that because I feel like they are memories being dug up within the magical garden of her heart. I don’t garden and I don’t know anything about it but I do know you can’t grow a successful and beautiful garden without dealing with and taking out the weeds.

So to answer your well-intentioned questions about how WG is doing…..we are okay. Tomorrow we might not be and that’s okay too. We’ll do some weeding and then we’ll “water” the garden with love and laughter and watching silly teenage shows together and start again. I am equal parts anxious and excited for her to start her high school career….if for nothing else, we get to insert more trusted adults into her life to teach her lessons about caring adults and felt safety wherever she goes. No matter what classes she takes and what grades she gets in her high school career, this is the most important thing she needs from education right now.

This picture above is what I returned to after a particularly ugly interaction while running around our neighborhood. She left mad but obviously turned a corner and was willing to talk about it when we got home. Love this…..

And when in doubt, turn the camera around and take some silly selfies. The true way to a teenager’s heart…..

On kiddos who feel BIG

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I have talked to lots of parents throughout my years as a school counselor and just mama-to-mama talks about how to help children regulate their emotions. Many times it can feel like you are just along for the ride as they navigate life’s highs and lows (that probably in your opinion shouldn’t even have been a feeling at all) in BIG ways and if being honest, usually in public….with eyes watching….judging……and your cheeks turning red……

I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks I pass along to those parents in order to help their child LEARN how to regulate their own emotions (versus the parents stepping in and doing it for them). I, myself, have one kiddo that feels big feelings on a daily basis and another who is pretty numb and doesn’t show any feelings. And if given the choice, between the two, I would 100% choose the big feelings because these reactions and strategies to regulate them are easily taught and remembered.

Always remember that all feelings are OKAY, but some reactions to feelings are NOT OKAY. When we tell children to NOT feel something, this is suppressing a very real physical reaction in their body and in adulthood, this suppression of feelings can result in lower skills in problem solving and denial of problems that need help/mental health support.

  1. Rate the problem. (NOTE: this does not say “name the problem” – it doesn’t always matter WHAT actually happened, but we can just help the child REACT to the problem).

    Parent: “What size problem is this? Small, medium or big? (for an older child/teen you can have them rate it 1-10)
    ** Don’t disagree with the child’s rating but if you don’t agree, you can say “Okay….I probably would say small but let’s go with ________.**
    If the child says small, I would say “Okay sounds like you can handle that one on your own and move on.”
    If the child says medium or big, I would say “What can we do to turn it into a small or medium problem?”
    (You could teach these beforehand or give a few examples like….take a deep breath and move on, apologize, use calm words to tell the other child ________, etc.)

    This can help the child learn that not all problems are HUGE and that they are in control of choosing how they react.

  2. Choice or choice.
    If you child has a hard time hearing the word no, try to increase the amount of control they “perceive” to have by giving them two choices that are BOTH acceptable to you as the parent. This is especially helpful during transition times or schedule changes.

    Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
    Parent: “You can either go to bed now and I’ll turn off your lights or you can choose a book to read for 5 minutes and then turn the lights off yourself.”

    Many times, we are trying to make our children OBEY when the extra 1-2 minutes or extra 1-2 chips at lunch doesn’t matter in the big picture. Children need to know they have control and choices and can make compromises with other people as problem solvers.

  3. Give them time to regulate before a disappointment.
    When a choice isn’t possible and a firm no is coming…..give your child some time to be ready and anticipate their own disappointment.

    Child: “Can I have extra game/screen time?
    Parent: “I’m about to tell you an answer you’re not going to like and it might make you mad. Are you ready for me to tell you?”
    If child says no, then say you’ll ask again in a minute.
    If child says yes, I would say “If you’re mad when I tell you the answer, that’s okay. What strategy can you use if you’re mad? (breathing, go to room, get a hug, etc.). Unfortunately, game time is done for the day but if you ask again respectfully tomorrow, I will add an extra 1-5 minutes onto your screen time.”

    **It’s important to reward a calm and respectful response, even if they are mad.**

If you are parenting a special kiddo with big feelings, I hope this helped you (there are lots more tricks I’ve learned along the way that I would love to share with you). But more importantly, I hope you appreciate that a child with big feelings also means they experience LIFE in a way that is exaggerated and colorful and AWESOME. For the low lows and the big tantrums, there is usually BIGTIME JOY and that is what being a kid is all about.

(check out this big time joy- WonderBOY and his Mickey Mouse pancake at our favorite Everson Cafe 544)

Moving on…..

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The end of this school year had some big transitions for our team…..as a follow up to one of my previous posts which caused some light concern by some of our tribe, here is our news. I was just hired by Ferndale School District for the following year to be a school counselor at Eagleridge Elementary…..after 8 years without school counselors, I am excited they have “seen the light” and value that elementary counselors can bring, especially with prevention and awareness of mental health concerns and general crises at that level. (When asked what Nooksack would be like without a school counselor, after the initial huge eyes and wide mouth awestruck expression, some answers included “CHAOS!”, “I’m pretty sure it would just burn down.” “The bullies would just run amok!!”). I get to work with some amazing new counselors and staffs at Ferndale AND my commute got a whole lot shorter, saving our family some general quality time at home versus in the car and on the road (5 minutes versus 40 minutes – when will I listen to all of my podcasts now?????).

This decision was not easy for me to make and already after a week with no students, I am missing them terribly. I ADORED my staff and my students and had a lot of support and leadership within my career at NV – making my mixed emotions big on the last couple of days of school. I got to sneak this epic school-wide selfie in (complete with our whole staff and parents in attendance that day).

This decision meant some heartache for WonderBOY as well since he will be no longer attending the only elementary school he has known. This was hard for him to leave his friends, beloved teacher and anticipate a new school in the Fall….so my Mama heart hurt knowing that my adult decision impacted his “felt safety.” We are both ready to take on this new challenge with all the feelings and anxieties along the way.

WonderGIRL completed middle school (all the applause and all the exhaustion here) and is off to HS in Ferndale as well (already part of the plan after we moved in February). Although this 8th grade year was a tough one for so many reasons with WG, she finished amazingly with her Breakout project on Foster Care. The amount of time, energy, and personal vulnerability she poured into this was awesome and she scored well (not surprising….she’s quite the charmer) on her final presentation!!! Here she is at their 8th grade celebration showing off her work.

Thank you for your prayers, support, hugs, and jelly bellies during this time where I personally struggled with crazy feelings of self-doubt, guilt, and anxiety – I truly feel like God is orchestrating this move in so many ways…..placing this amazing house in our path to be followed with job openings the very next school year. This simple decision of “saying yes” and doing that trust Fall into his plan has worked out for me time and time again along this winding journey of faith and personal growth and I am hopeful it will continue to do so this summer and beyond.

Intentional Summer 2k17

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We loved our intentional summer and daily schedule calendar so much last year that my wonders were super excited to fill it out this Memorial Day weekend for a fun annual summer kick-off tradition. Aside from the benefit of seeing a visual overview of our individual camps and family adventures (and when Daddy works), the daily schedule keeps us all accountable for the structure WB and WG crave. I, for one, want nothing to do with structure during my summers of rest and rejuvenation…..but in order to get that R&R, my kiddos need to be regulated. Win-win for all of us. I am sooooo looking forward to this summer season in our new house, enjoying our new surroundings and exploring a new side to the county during these beautiful PNW months. 

Want to get your own calendar? They are available for purchase from the brilliant Elizabeth McKinley here. Many friends asked about this last summer and I’m so excited she created some of others to purchase!!!!

Braces life hacks

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Have a teenager with braces in your life??? Here are a few “life with braces” hacks that have made my WonderGIRL not only manage her braces with ease but with minimal discomfort. Just in case this might help you too….here ya go!Life hack 1: The food stuck…..the floss is painfully tedious……the solution? The waterpik is an awesome tool to help lazy overly stressed teens get that food out of there and floss (PSA from my sis-in-law dental hygienist – dental floss is still WAY better but just in case, the pik is better than nothing). After the flossing though, there is always food bits stuck all over her sink. Soooo gross……

Hack #2: We got these cheap brushes at IKEA and keeping one by her sink encourages a quick wash every night versus hard scrubbing days after. Win-win!
Hack #3: After getting her braces tightened, the ensuing pain is always hard. For our little one, this pain can be extremely distracting during school and makes it even more of a negative impact. We did some research and used the clove essential oil to make a quick spray she can spray onto her gums/teeth to numb the pain. Deep blue on the outside of her jawline also helps ease this pain and discomfort. She can bring these tools with her to school also which helps with the distraction piece.I can’t believe how much her smile and face has changed as a result of her year in braces. She is going to look so much older when she gets them off in a few months!!!

Quotes I live by (Wednesday)

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You have to love your kids enough to make them hate you sometimes – my beloved Gramma, Audrey

I feel so blessed to have my Gramma in my life as an adult and now as a relatively new mama to older kiddos. She raised 7 kiddos, maintained a loving and beautiful marriage, and was the best party host I know (red cheeks from wine and everything – just like me!!!).

She actually said this quote to me when I was a young adult (like mid 20’s) when I got to play one of our many games of Scrabble together. I’m sure she was referencing perhaps a story I was working with as a new counselor or even a family outside of our own, but her words play in my brain and heart multiple times as I raise our wonders AND as I coach parents and families through struggles in my role as a school counselor.

Many people think children (especially children out of the foster system) just need love but what they need almost MORE than that love is BOUNDARIES. Someone to help them regulate their brains, their emotions and their bodies in a safe environment. I heard at a counseling conference that parenting always takes two hands – the hand of compassion AND the hand of restraint. Sometimes these boundaries look like a firm “no” but sometimes they look like allowing your child to struggle and to fail, in order for them to learn valuable lessons they will need as they move towards adulthood. And now as I parent myself, I understand why the parents I have worked with as a counselor struggle with this. When their pain is your pain, how can you sit back and watch the pain happen.

And especially now with those professional experiences and now with personal ones, I feel more passionate about the need for this restraint and this allowing of them to “hate you.” These lessons are what they will remember in the long run. You are not just creating happy children NOW – you are inspiring creative problem-solvers for the FUTURE when you allow them to navigate the hardships on their own (with your guiding hand and your loving and safe self to fall back on of course).

Tomorrow’s quote….tensions are rising (hint hint).

Quotes I live by (Monday)

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Along this winding road of 34 (almost 35!) years, there have been a few quotes spoken or read that have stuck out to me as not only useful, but rocks of truth that I find myself coming back to time and time again. I thought I would share those thoughts/quotes this week to document them into the permanency of blogland and as usual, potentially pass along the inspiration to someone else that could use it.

Love is a verb – Stephen Covey
Love DOES – Bob GoffAlthough this quote is more of a cluster of little quotes with similar meanings – I love all that it implies. That love is a moving, breathing thing. It changes from season to season and looks different in each and every relationship it shows up in. It’s not just a warm, fuzzy feeling but that true love is in actions. I also remember reading from Bob Goff that as much as love DOES, it also DOESN’T. The importance of saying no and setting boundaries is just as important as what you say yes to. I come back to this so much, especially now with a busier “mama” schedule. We try to limit our activities, especially on weekends to recover and reset for our weeks that add stressors to my Wonders’ hearts/brains and to our relationships.

One other interpretation of this quote is that “love is work.” That work is hard, that work is tiring, and that work will kick your behind from one side of hell to another. And the real, actionable kind of love keeps putting the work in, even when you really really don’t want to (yes kind of true in relationship to marriage/romantic relationship struggles but this quote seems much more applicable to me in raising little humans into what are supposed to be successful, empathetic adults).

Stay tuned this week for more quotes….some of the true foundational pieces of how I live/choose my humble little life.

 

Oily kids for the win

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I love how much using essential oils with our wonders has empowered them to tackle both their physical and emotional struggles on their own without having to rely on medications.  The other cute part is how passionate they have become in sharing with others and helping me “teach.”

​​(WonderBOy sharing how he’s packing his keychain for school – heart eye emoji for days)
Want in on this action? I have a few rollerballs and spray goodies left over from a craft fair a few weeks back. If you know a new mama that could benefit from some of these, please message me and I’ll hand them over for a discounted price than what we sold them for previously. PS lots of people have raved to me about the tushy spray. Get one while they last!