Category Archives: Parenting

On Contribution – A Year of Writing

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How do you feel like you contribute to the world through your vocation?
In my current vocational shift, I believe that I am disrupting a harmful institution that is public education by making efforts to educate and empower folks with children that have experienced trauma to build and create safe spaces for their learning and potential. In my mentorship with school counselors, I believe I am planting seeds of creativity and innovation in the field so that more students are impacted by proactive mental health strategies and social emotional learning that will impact their lives as adults in relationship with others. My greatest pride in the last 16 years of my career is watching school counselors that I have mentored or supervised have meaningful interactions with students, families and staff members knowing them being in that role is making a difference in that life.

A bunch of lovely counselors at our state conference last year!

How do you contribute to your family or friend group on a regular basis?
Particularly in response to contributing to my family, I hope that at the of their lives, they will know without a doubt that I loved them UNCONDITIONALLY. That their trauma and abuse was not their fault and that no amount of behavior will change the way I feel about them. HOWEVER, I also hope they learn that without healing, their past hurts will show up and damage other folks in their path. That without doing the extremely hard work of healing, they will be responsible for the outcomes of their hurt and abuse by lying, cheating, seeking control, etc. I heard a quote on Glennon Doyle’s podcast that said “it may not be your fault, but it still is your problem” and that really resonated with me as I work with folks that have experienced abuses and trauma far outside of their control. The other contribution I believe I am making to my children in particular is a simple one….I’m not going anywhere. I am sticking this out with you. I want to support you. When you hurt me, boundaries will need to be put into place, but I will continue to be there/support/love you.

Is there a meaningful giving experience you’d like to plan for in the future? Write about it.
One aspect of working with children that I never had sufficient time for as a school counselor was deeply working in supporting the parents. Walking alongside them in navigating for their students’ needs and affirming the hard and exhausting work they are doing while experiencing intensive vicarious trauma. That is something I want to move into with my new business venture….parenting groups, advocacy in school team meetings, personal parent coaching – I am so looking forward to just being in community with these parents and helping wherever I can in their journies. And bonus dream, I would LOVE to make enough money through alternative streams of income, that I can offer these services free of charge. We are nowhere near that goal as of now, but working slowly but surely in making it happen.

40/40 – on my lessons learned

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While reflecting on past moments for this series, it really changed my perspective on moments that were happening in the actual present. Is this moment significant? What makes it special or memorable? Is this something I should reflect on/document or should I just be in it and feel it? What about this moment is standing out to me?

And what I learned is that so many moments ARE significant, in all sorts of ways. Sometimes positive and special but also some are significant because they are utterly heartbreaking and impact the course of our lives or of someone’s life that we love dearly. In my 40th year, what I know for certain, is that the journey of a life is really a never-ending series of heartaches and pain, followed by resiliency and support from loved ones if you’re lucky enough to have those and then sprinkled with content-ness in between (some bigger sprinkles of time than others).

Some of my heartbreaks and pain the last couple of years have been both professionally at work and then personally within my beautifully and messily created family. And the realization and sinking in that I am replaceable in so many different parts of my world – coaching, school counseling, district leadership and in friendships. And all of those systems and people will keep moving on without me….minus the crew that is tied to me through parenting and marriage. I have adjusted the time and energy I spend on the outside world versus the world within these four walls accordingly…not just physical time but also emotional and mental energy as well.

I just want to add in here that this quote should also be available with he/him and they/them pronouns as I do think the grown ups in the home while parenting are the ones that are irreplaceable, not just the “mom”. K rant over.

Some of my other “moments” from this past year that I haven’t documented include:
– WonderGIRL learning her own moments of growth and vulnerability in relationships and work life as she transitions to adulthood
– WonderBOY finding his voice in sharing with others how he feels and what he needs to be in relationship with them
– Scott and I focusing on date nights and travel with each other….even though we mercilessly tease each other to outsiders, I do enjoy his company quite a bit
– little nuggets of love and growth from students at school (the hugs alone are all separate moments I treasure dearly)
– saying no to activities that drain my energy
– showing up to things that fuel my tank
– the opening of the new high school gymnasium and my team’s first match in the facility (okay and winning in 5 was pretty sweet too)
– getting ridiculously sick (2 different times) and relying on my husband and Western medicine
– 2 cups of brewed coffee at home each morning (bonus moment points to when Christmas lights are involved on a dark morning)
– discovering Pickleball along WonderBOY and Scott as a fun and physical family outing
– finding a community of like minded professionals in the school counseling world through Tik Tok
– experiencing WB getting cut from a basketball program and observing him handle it with grace and maturity
– every day in May walking challenge (I definitely want to walk outside more as part of my 2023 goal setting)
– Scott and I checking each other non-verbally when chatting with our teens in order to keep conflicts at a minimum (okay I really hate this but know it’s needed)
– valuing and loving my body in its present form without constant comparison or criticism from my inner thoughts
– Hallford’s visits to my school and his patterns of laying on my chest and purring each and every night
– having an emergency foster placement around Halloween time….watching my husband parent him in such a more connected and positive way than 8 years ago when starting out with the Wonders AND having him bond with my volleyball team
– said foster placement moving away and leaving my school, breaking my heart open to the possibility of fostering again
– critical conversations at work that are making me realize what I want and don’t want as I move forward professionally, working in an education system that is so incredibly flawed but also so incredibly necessary to care for kids
– connecting more with my sister in law through our Sunday walks (and Pho dates when we don’t want to walk)

And to end this post, a quote moving into this next chapter of my 40’s:

38/40 – on Christmas moments

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This Christmas season feels different and a little melancholy for me….this year has certainly had it’s ups and downs and at one point, we were preparing for a big transition as a family. Not good or bad, just a transition that now isn’t happening. With one adult child out of the home and a teenager that has his own feelings about Christmas (mostly around going to event after event which is historically hard for him and both our kiddos with trauma – read more about Christmas as a foster family here).

Our 2022 Christmas card filled with highlights (and WonderBOY not smiling).

So I thought I would take a moment and reflect on some of my favorite Christmas moments throughout my 40 years of life that still hold a special place in my memories.

Childhood moments –

  • Special presents I remember opening: our family trip to Disneyland (mickey ear hats), my first cell phone at age 20, accessories for my American Girl doll Samantha, small creepy porcelain clowns (my mom wanted me to collect them?)
  • Walking out to the tree Christmas morning always stands out to me as my Mom did a wonderful job displaying all of the presents that magically appeared seem so magical – I still love looking at presents under the tree and try to wrap them early so I can gaze at them from my morning coffee chair
  • My older brother and I knowing where my Mom hid our presents and sneakily opening the carefully taped ends to get a peek before Christmas morning (sorry Mom)
Presents wrapped ready to be gifted to our loved ones.

Adult moments

  • Our first Christmas with the Wonders – all of the magical traditions like cutting and decorating the tree, Christmas morning, reading stories by the tree each night, acts of kindness countdown….I loved seeing the joy and magic in their eyes
  • Our second Christmas with the Wonders where we tried to fix all the errors we made in Year 1 with them (see post I linked above)
  • Christmas cruise celebrating our adoption
  • Seeing our extended families grow through marriage, new babies, adoption, etc.
  • Receiving and compiling holiday cards that I look through every single year after creating mini books out of them (read more here)
  • The joy of kittens and cats at Christmastime

Favorite gifts I have gifted over the years:

  • Disney cruise
  • Letters to Scott (and eventually the kiddos) to open and read on Christmas morning
  • My Gramma’s Storyworth book to my Mom and her siblings (read more on this here)
  • Special bracelets in honor of the Wonders’ birth mom
  • BraveGIRL’s cell phone she desperately wanted
  • Permission for WonderGIRL to date
  • Two experience gifts I am VERY excited to gift to WonderBOY in a few days after posting this
  • Small ornaments with photos of our family to grandparents
  • Tickets to see Sound of Music in Seattle with my Mom and Gramma

I am hoping you all have a wonderful Christmas with your chosen or given families….I also hope if you’re not in the Christmas spirit for whatever reason, to release the “shoulds” and the expectations and lean into the care and keeping of you and your heart, whatever that may mean for you.

35/40 – on Mom’s moment(s)

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You know my Mom is a talker (her and my Dad passed along strong genes to 4 extremely extroverted chatty offspring) so this long post is no surprise…..plus a good excuse to share some silly childhood and college photos.

There are numerous, numerous moments and milestones of my Patti over the years …but it’s the very “simple memories” that makes me feel this Momma’s love and smile the most on this week of her “40th” Birthday…

When she was very young her absolute favorite food was always salad!  If she was given a choice of candy or salad…she would always choose salad! Crazy, Crazy Girl!!

Nothing compares to her young imagination tho…from the imaginary “Sunglass Family” which she graced us with constantly for quite a few years to follow about their imaginary adventures when she was around age 4 to the adventurous novel she wrote in her younger years (complete with multiple chapters, index, etc)…there are way too many examples to count of how her imagination entertained us for years!!

She loved, loved, loved office-paper supplies! Going back-to-school shopping was a must each year…and Patti cared very little for the school clothes shopping but it was the school-office supplies that made her the most excited!  Binders, organizers, notebooks, pens, paper, post-it notes, scissors…you name it, she LOVED it!!

(Also, she was not the tidiest child of mine and in her bedroom, especially under her bed or in her closet we would find mountains and mountains of doodled paper, scraps, pens, pencils, etc  for all school or personal projects of hers!!)

The multitude of dances that were created with her cousin Cara through their younger years at our annual family camping trips for the pure entertainment of Gramma & Grampa and many of her Aunts and Uncles brought us all loads of smiles and laughter! And, through this current year at our own family camping trips amongst her brothers and their families she can be found creating many, many tik-tok dances with her nieces for us to enjoy all over again!!

One of my most treasured, small but beautiful memory of mine tho is one which we shared when driving her to Pullman for her first year at WSU (Go COUGS)…the anticipation, anxiety and excitement was at a very high level in our car and about 2 hours outside of Pullman, she handed me her headphones to listen to a song which brought on way to many tears for me as I gazed out the window at the beautiful wheat fields and listened intently to those words…. “Wide Open Spaces” by the then Dixie Chicks. At that time I had never heard it before and she wanted me to listen to the song to remind me it was time for her to leave our home and go spread her wings out in the world! Oh goodness… to this day that song brings back that memory and tears to my eyes thinking of that car ride and the soon to be dreaded “good-bye” I was going to have to say to my Girl!!

Actual picture from the morning I left to WSU my freshman year. Sweet slippers.

Again, none of these mentioned are big milestones for my Patti of which there are many, many, many…most of all her unrelenting, admirable crusade of support and having the biggest heart possible for ANY kiddo, especially those with trauma…but these are just a few of my “simple memories” that this Momma heart holds with so many Smiles, Joy and with so much Love!!!

Thank you Mom for your forever support of me, my big and little milestones, and all the little Wonders we bring in (and unfortunately sometimes out) of your life along the way.

31/40 – on our adoption day

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I get to share my birthday week with another lovely celebration – a day when we got to forever welcome WonderBOY and WonderGIRL into our family forever and ever. There was a lot of emotions that went into the build up to this day and lot of grief that is inherently mixed up in adoption. But for us as parents, it was ultimately a public affirmation that we were doing the right thing. And a relief that the life of these two little ones wouldn’t be hanging in the balance between chaos and care any longer.

You can read more about the details of this day and see more pics here.

This year (October 18th) marks 7 years as a forever family!!!

27/40 – on no longer being an “athlete”

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From the moment I can remember being a kid, I was both competitive and involved in some type of athletics. Until I became too tall, it was gymnastics. Until everyone (myself included) realized I couldn’t catch or throw a ball, it was softball. From middle school on, I was on all the teams. Volleyball, basketball and track (field to be specific) were the final three that lasted through high school.

My identity was very much wrapped up in this athletic life….practice and game schedules, the friends I hung out with, what clothes I wore….all of it really stemmed from what sport I was playing at the time. Although I wasn’t a star by any means, I did find success in specific sports and really appreciated the leadership potential my coaches saw in me.

This success led to recruitment from WSU to join the rowing team. Being a D1 athlete was both a privilege (my favorite perk: laundry service!) and a hardship. I felt a lot of pressure to perform and rise above my teammates without any prior experience at the actual sport….and I also wasn’t all that great, which was a hard pill for me to swallow at the time.

Some images of my time on the WSU novice crew team.

After choosing not to continue my crew career and focusing on a job (and let’s be honest, my social life) my sophomore year, I started to struggle. Without the scheduling boundaries, a coach to guide and mentor me, and my body/emotions resetting after going 200% for years – I started to struggle with extreme body dysmorphia and developed an eating disorder that took its toll both physically and emotionally. For me, this looked like restricted dieting and way too many hours exercising at our rec center on campus (even to the point of me going 3 times per day for 1-2 hours at a time).

Eventually, I was able to find a balance for myself but knowing what I know now as a professional, I was definitely experiencing what is now known as post-athlete depression. My struggles with self-worth and my body would continue for years, but ultimately made better by maturity, my own control over exercise and dieting, and my supportive social network.

My own experiences have helped me prepare my own senior athletes for this very transition – many of my players get to go on and play college volleyball. But for others, high school is where their status of “athlete” ends. I encourage them to prepare for that transition mindfully. To think about what body movement brings them joy. To create a schedule that feels good to them and surround themselves with others who love and support them, no matter what they look like, what they eat or what kind of exercise routines they participate in. Just exposing them to the struggle of the transition is more than I had knowledge of at the time and I hope that this critical conversation can help them navigate it more healthier than I did.

To parents of teenage athletes, a few things to remember –
1. Their success in sports will be more tied to their emotional health than their physical health. Which one should you be checking in on more?
2. Let the coach coach. What they need from you is a protective and safe buffer that keeps out the pressure and the competition, not adding more on.
3. Monitor their eating, sleep, mental health closely – do you notice any changes? Extra workouts? Less food at dinner? Avoiding meal times altogether?
4. Talk to them about MORE than just sports…..what are their other interests and hobbies? What else can they do in their summer and free time besides training? Maybe you can do it together!!!

*My parents (and every single coach I had) were incredibly supportive of me as an athlete and did not necessarily do anything to put extra pressure on me – nor do I blame them for any of what I developed in college, as they tried to stay connected and I isolated what information they received. My pressure definitely came from myself and an unnecessary need to compare myself to others. But per usual, I like to use my hard stories for good and for prevention, so by sharing my story, I hope you can be more mindful with your own kiddos or athletes that you mentor.

On School Counseling resources – back to school sale!

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I started a Teachers Pay Teachers store this past year and have been uploading different resources I’ve used over the past 15 years to maintain a comprehensive school counseling program. I am passionate about the power of data-driven decisions that support students and some of these tools help with the organization and advocacy for counseling programs!

In honor of the sale today and tomorrow, I thought I’d do a round up of the resources that are on sale and how they will help you stay organized this school year (and save a little bit of time along the way – these are all grab, edit and go type templates).

School Counseling Time Tracker
This resource is my most shared, most requested tool for tracking your activities as a school counselor. This comprehensive Excel notebook includes the graphs and charts you need to communicate with stakeholders already finished – when you add your student and family visit data, the graphs and charts automatically change with your data! I use this tool to determine whether or not my program is meeting my goals as well as a vital piece of advocating for my position. Click here to view and/or purchase.

Only $12 on sale – August 2nd and 3rd.

Voice and Choice Behavior Prompts Worksheet
I do a lot of trainings on kids with trauma and how to respond to their behavior in a calm and regulated way (the trickiest part). I compiled an easy “if this behavior, then say this” worksheet to give out during these trainings and it is available here. This is a great worksheet to get all caregivers on the same page in a household or an entire student’s team at school. Using constant language is key to improving student trauma responses.

I would HIGHLY recommend this for new school counselors and/or teachers…..helping coach teachers and parents in behavior management was one of my biggest learning curves when I first started and this resource would have been so helpful for me back in my newbie days.

$2.40 on sale!

Bullying Prevention – Family Resource Packet
Great resource to send home in the Fall of a school year to describe what your school does when a student reports bullying. It also includes bullying report forms (editable) and a school district policy that students and caregivers can sign after reviewing. At our school, we collect these and use them between our admin team to keep track of and better document bullying reports.

$4.00 on sale!

School Counseling Program Calendar
This is a great tool to align programs across the district and would help communicate the role of the school counselor.

$2.40 on sale

Reset Room Resources
I love the work and care that we have put into creating a reset room at my current school. It is a safe space where students can access both a regulated adult and a space with regulation tools when needed. Taking a break is such a vital coping strategy for students and staff alike – but setting up the procedures of the room can be tricky so these resources can help! If you’d like to see a video of how we use our reset room (taken last year in the midst of Covid restrictions), click here.

Reset Room Planning Template

Reset Room Rules Poster – FREE!

School Counseling Program BUNDLE
And because I like a deal, if you want my entire library of resources for only $25 – click here!

All 9 items in my store included for only $25!

Well if you made it this far, thanks for following along. I love collaborating with and training new school counselors and educators – sharing these resources to make their job just a teeny bit easier brings me great joy!!!

17/40 – It’s not just about them

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As much of parenting children with extreme histories of trauma is, periods of doubt and questioning come up often. This is not unique to foster and adoptive parenting as I hear from a number of parents that raising whole and healthy humans is the toughest job around and no one hands us instruction manuals. But the variable here that is pertinent to raising others’ children is the lack of shared genetics, knowledge of histories and feelings of helplessness that comes from not knowing anything about what happened before they came into your world and changed it forever.

And sometimes the only comfort for that helplessness is sharing the misery and connecting with other trauma parents in the same boat. While I was sharing a particular update within the last 6 months that has been incredibly difficult for our family and for one of our Wonders with another adoptive parent, he said something that has stuck with me and given me hope during some very dark moments, weeks, and periods of questioning. He assured/reminded me of the fact that intergenerational trauma and the effects of trauma can be passed down through multiple generations. So our influence on their lives is not just meaningful if a positive outcome comes out of our efforts to that particular child….but the influence will persist into the very chemistry of their children, their grandchildren and on and on and on.

When we signed on to foster and eventually adopt, we wanted to steer the path of these vulnerable little ones toward a better outlook gifted to them through a series of horrific events and experiences. So thinking about it in this “long game” sense gave me some hope that our efforts weren’t wasted and hoping that just a slight break in these cycles would benefit our future grandchildren and beyond.

If you are parenting (or educating or caring for vulnerable children in any way), I see you and the hard work you are putting in. The sacrifices to your families and network of loved ones, to your health and the emotional safekeeping of all those around you. I encourage you to find some perspective in this knowledge and release some of the pressure you might be putting on yourself to save them (they are not broken) or to get a positive outcome (we are not in control of another human’s future, even though we try).

If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend the following read (not only if you are a foster/adopt parent but also if you know generations before you experienced specific or historical trauma) – it might shed some light on some mysteries surrounding you or your health.

Happy Father’s Day to a perfectly imperfect father….

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This man has been completely transformed by becoming a father….a father to a number of kiddos who ONLY knew a father that was abusive, manipulative, and barely provided even a slight version of love and nurturing to them.

And just like many fathers, he had to grow into the role over time and that wasn’t easy. Understanding the dynamics of each child and figuring out to humbly love them unconditionally, as well as navigate his own childhood triggers and feelings about parenting.

What I love the most about the example he shows them and is very open to expressing to them…..is admittance of his struggles and roller coaster of mental health journey. And a constant willingness to get help for those struggles….to become a better father, husband and person always. That is what they need to see….a vision for their future, not only for their own health but for the health of their future family relationships as well. When they hit bumps in their roads, I hope they look back and remember their father hitting the same bumps and seeking help from his community, his family, and mental health professionals.

I am so very proud of the journey towards true and healthy fatherhood this man has taken. And while it makes me a bit jealous, seeing the love and adoration the Wonders have for him through the ups and the downs is truly magical.

And boy do our nieces love their “Uncle Sock” as well….so cute!

Click here for some cute words from the Wonders on Father’s Day 2016.

#11-#16/40 – on the beginning of our forever family

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Alright so yes this is cheating. I am going to link a blog post I did a while back documenting some pivotal moments in the forming of our family with our little (at the time) Wonders. But if I’m nothing else at almost 40 years old, I am efficient and always looking for a way to get things done faster.

On the story of us – 7 years later

A collection of inspiring quotes and my fave inspirational photo of my two little ones.