On my life update FAQ’s –

Posted on July 2, 2024 by Patti Hoelzle

I have been in a functional freeze state about oh-so-many things in my life as of late….this blog being one of them. Blogging and writing has been such a coping strategy for me for so long and I’ve had a block keeping me from doing so…..BUT I want to reclaim things that bring me joy and help me sort through the absolute chaos in my heart and mind as of late. To round up the last 6 or so months since I published this post, I thought I would do a few frequently asked questions that come up often from folks (not that I mind you asking – but it’s hard to answer some hard ones over and over ya know?).

Are you still coaching?
Nope. The pain from the loss of my job at Ferndale is still deep and fresh and I’m not ready for the high school coaching scene again (maybe not ever around here). I love coaching and developing younger players and am definitely open to private trainings and younger club coaching opportunities. I do plan on going into more detail at some point about this on the blog but can’t until some other processes play out so stay tuned.

Why did you leave Ferndale (Schools)?
I love love loved my role as school counselor and counseling leader in Ferndale (especially our counseling team – the absolute BEST in all the land). The tides changed dramatically with new leadership (which is completely normal and I accept that) and I no longer could align my professional values and needs with the agendas playing out there, especially in regards to hiring/firing practices. As a school counselor, there are a LOT of game-time decisions made about very important children and families in our buildings and in 16 years in the profession, I was NEVER anxious about whether or not administration would support me and those decisions until recently. I couldn’t let that affect my mental health but more importantly, I knew I wouldn’t be able to provide the best services I could for students and families with that pressure and anxiety hanging over my program. I do want to say with 100% certainty, there are AMAZING staff members throughout Ferndale School District – I miss so many of them, especially watching their brilliance and care for little ones play out each and every day in buildings throughout this community I care very much about.

What are you doing these days for work?
I am in my self-employed, entrepreneur ERA! As some of you know, I have dreamed of owning a business focused on supporting children and families with trauma for multiple years. It was close to fruition in 2020 before Covid and some other life events happened that created necessity to stay in my role at Ferndale.

Rooted WELL is the name of my wee little company – I help educators and families create safe spaces for children with needs that are not well supported in the existing public school system. This can include professional development and trainings, but I also have individual clients I get to see on a regular basis to support the work as well. This Spring, I was afforded the amazing opportunity to be an adjunct professor for the school counseling graduate program at WWU which re-ignited my passion for supporting new school counselors with resources, training, and burn-out prevention support.

Coming soon – presenting at a national virtual conference, a new website, online course for new school counselors, and whatever else my busy busy brain dreams up! Yes, I also still make money from tik tok and even help a few other clients do the same so that’s a fun little side gig along the way.

Are you and Scott staying together?
No. We are talking and co-parenting and are making it work for the sake of our kiddos, but our romantic relationship has come to an end. It is my hope (and I know his too) that we can forge a new relationship moving forward with foundations of respect, trust and genuine care for each other but some individual healing, forgiveness and growth needs to happen first.

We still hang out, go to events together, and can be around each other – so if you see us out, it’s not weird but it’s also not a date (so come talk to us but don’t be awkward). I think that covers all the bases of what folks might want/need to know. There is a lot of information out in public about us but also a lot behind the scenes very much impacting my decisions so thank you to those of you reaching out and supporting us BOTH through this tough time.

How are the kids?
The Wonders have unique backgrounds that make a family rupture like the one we are experiencing difficult. We are supporting both of them and overall, they are handling it with respect, open communication and an an amazing amount of grace. It has highlighted those things that I love about both of them (and hopefully those are seeds we have been planting and tending to in the 10 years we’ve been honored to parent them).

Do you plan on moving?
I think so? The small town of Ferndale is one of the loves of my life and a piece of my identity I value dearly. However, because of the coaching/professional stuff that went down and the betrayal trauma occurring nearby as well, it’s been a bit of an emotional minefield to live and interact with folks here. WonderBOY wants to finish his HS career here so one of us will have to stay but I would say it is very likely I will not be a Ferndale-for-life kinda gal like I originally envisioned for myself.

How are you handling all of this?
I have THE BEST network of people around me to help me handle things. So some days are good and I am smiling and other days, I’m frozen in bed watching seasons upon seasons of my emotional support shows (what are they you ask? Gilmore Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, Sex and the City, Hart of Dixie and The Challenge). Throughout the past 9 months there have been times that my mind is strong and stable, yet my body has not been. And at other times, it’s the exact opposite which has been difficult for a number of reasons with multiple triggers of some past hurts and struggles.

What can I do to help?
Feel free to refer to this blog post I wrote about this very topic. This summer, I am very much grieving some “typical” summer trips I have done in the past…i would love walks and invites to enjoy the summer sun in the PNW with you. AND some days, I have to say no and take care of myself alone in my depression nest and I so appreciate all my peeps understanding that!

Thank you for reading all of this. I am a pretty open book so catch me in person or give me a call if you’d like to connect!!! And a cute little photo reward for all this reading –>

A core group of my support network the past 9 months. I would NOT have gotten through some very dark days and nights without these fine folks (and a handful of others not pictured here).

Swiftie Soundtrack (April edition)

Posted on April 30, 2024 by Patti Hoelzle

Each month since re-discovering some of Taylor’s newer work, there seems to be one song that rises to the surface as extra meaningful or is played on repeat from my Spotify. I thought I would document those songs here to reflect on at a later date.

Better Man
I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin’ a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

I wish it wasn’t 4 a.m., standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it
I know the bravest thing I ever did was run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
But I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it was always on your terms
I waited on every careless word
Hoping they might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning

But your jealousy, oh, I can hear it now
Talking down to me like I’ll always be around
Push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun
Oh, you never thought I’d run

I hold onto this pride because, these days, it’s all I have
And I gave to you my best, and we both know you can’t say that

I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man
Yeah, yeah

We might still be in love, if you were a better man
(But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man) yeah, yeah

I know why we had to say goodbye like the back of my hand
But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

We might still be in love, if you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man

Previous monthly songs:
July – Long Live
August – Cruel Summer
September – It’s Time to Go
October – Illicit Affairs
November – Should’ve Said No
December – You’re Losing Me
January – Happiness
February – White Horse
March – Death by a Thousand Cuts

One Little Word for 2024

Posted on February 4, 2024 by Patti Hoelzle

As many of you know, I love to focus on a word for the year versus resolutions and goals, etc. This seems particularly impactful for me this year as I am longing for and desperately searching for anchors to keep me grounded throughout this period of grief and disentanglement I am experiencing.

Last year, I chose BECOMING and because I chose it so late, I considered continuing it this year because it does capture this period of change, transformation, and growth (in a positive forward-looking kind of way that I need reminders to do).

But after sitting with this for the month of January, I decided to pair it down to just the word “BE.” What has happened in my life in the past 13 months has been stripping, pairing down, undoing many many parts of my life. I have always been a “doer”, a motivated, get all the things accomplished kind of person (enneagram 3 problems). But my body taking over to protect me and sit me down with a variety of gut punch life events has taught me to ~~appreciate~~ honor the space that I am in and not focus on everything I need to do to change it.

What “be” means to me:
– to let things be what they are and not focus on what they could have, would have, should have been
– to be in my body and feelings
– to be a human BEing, not a human DOing (love this quote)

– to be myself and share my story authentically with those around me
– to appreciate the roles I hold and continue to get better at them – I want to BE my most favorite version of a mother. A counselor. A disruptor. A mentor and coach. A friend, daughter, sister, romantic partner, etc.
– to be present (“wherever you are, BE there” is a mantra I repeat on a regular basis)
– to accept and appreciate days when my only job is just to be (and survive), not produce outcomes and check off to-do lists

If you’d like to read reflections on my other words, click the tag below this post to see them all summarized since 2016 (I started this blog 8 years ago!). And per usual, I’d love to read what your words are for this year….I always feel inspired and a spark of connection when I read yours and hope mine does the same for you.

On asking for help

Posted on January 16, 2024 by Patti Hoelzle

I just recently listened to this podcast episode (highly recommend), highlighting sister Amanda’s experience with stepping into others’ times of needs and how it has shifted her perspective on asking for help. This naturally had me reflecting on my own recent time of need and how difficult it’s been for me to ask for help, but that when I have, the depth and widening of my support system has become crystal clear and has gotten me through multiple dark days.

The three amazing ladies in this episode remark on the act of HELPING and how sacred it feels to be asked to help. I can reflect on those times in my life that I have been asked to step into others’ time of crisis or need as truly some of the most impactful moments I have been a part of. These times include me walking alongside a player of mine with cancer treatments and into her passing, my work with our county mobile response team helping navigate crisis after crisis in our schools and a handful of other personal cases that are not mine to share publicly here. This also lead to me reflecting on how when I don’t ask for help, I am actually denying others’ the chance to feel this impact and value in my life in a similar fashion.

And because I have just walked a year long process of navigating depression and a number of ambiguous losses (“a person’s profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one”), here are some ideas on what could/do help me so that you can encourage yourself to step into that gap for others. We all know that when when we tell someone else, “please let me know what I can do to help”, this RARELY leads to concrete answers (my own self included here) but in hindsight, I happen to have a number of concrete answers so better late than never right?

Offers of LOVE (aka “help”) to someone going through a private or ambiguous loss:
– clean their house (hiring someone or coming to do it yourself)
– meal offerings (if you’re in my circle, family style Woodstock salad from Guud bowls please and thank you)
– invites so that I have items on my calendar to look forward to and reminders that I am not alone
– walks to get them outside and moving (with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable), bonus points for night walks in the dark so no one can see the crying
– massages or self care (even though this is obvious, I am starting to see the impact of how incredible this experience has been in DISCONNECTING my mind from my body and these kinds of self-care experiences help to soothe that very thing and bring them back together)
– texts or phone calls (even when there is no response): No, it will not make them feel worse. Yes, they definitely read each and every one
– recommendations of impactful books if they are a reader/researcher (bonus points to just send it to their house without asking)
– asking specific questions about counseling and medication support (someone remembering that I have counseling on a certain day and reaching out on that day has been so special and meaningful)
– without permission, making plans to come over and spend time with them (again, with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable)

And to my circle, thank you for doing these things so I have a list to even put out in the world in the first place. Thank you for stepping into my darkness and being the light. I hope to offer it back to you as we adventure along this painful adulting journey side by side, year after year.

P.S. A few books to consider if you find yourself or another in need of some reading, acceptance, exploration into the journey of healing:

On my 2023 – a year in review

Posted on December 31, 2023 by Patti Hoelzle

I’ve been hesitant to write this post for a number of reasons but also am motivated to write this post for a number of different reasons. Some of my blog posts have become markers in time where I can read and experience the emotions that have faded over time – the lessons learned and meaning made from those moments are so important for both growth and gratitude moving forward.

My current goal when synthesizing all that I have endured this year is ACCEPTANCE – in particular, “to use my pain as a source of information about what matters most to me, and then to act on it” (from ACT “core processes” by Dr. Steven Hayes). One step in that acceptance for me is reviewing the timeline of this year to see both the JOYS and the absolute SORROW that made up my 2023. I am sure more processing will come for some of these events but for now I will just simply list and add a few snippets/photos as I see fit. Here we go….

January
– Taking WonderBOY to his first Seahawks game
– A week into this year, I was informed that I (as coach) was being investigated for bullying due to parent complaints by my school district
– Bestie’s 40th birthday celebration in Chelan
– Traveled 1-on-1 with WB to Stanford to see my bestie and catch a basketball game

February
– Participated in my investigation interview with third party
– Traveled to Vegas for Pooh’s birthday
– School Counseling conference with so many lovely people I adore

March
– Facilitated a school-wide response for community tragedy in area
– Unexpected death of a dear friend from graduate school
– WonderGIRL got married (my experience of this was complicated at best)
– Contract not renewed for coaching due to “results of the third party report” (see June events) and “going in a different direction”
(ALL 4 of these events happened within 10 days of each other – enter depression/anxiety like I’ve never experienced before)

April
– News article becomes public with commentary flowing freely on the internet
– Shania Twain concert with brother and sis-in-law

May
– Travel to Mexico for my cousin’s beautiful wedding and time with family

June
– First time in 18 years NOT coaching Spring/Summer volleyball
– Year 16 of school counseling comes to a close working alongside an amazing staff and T
– Fire family and in-law camping trips
– Received written reports from third party investigation deeming allegations NOT SUBSTANTIATED (3 months after being fired for said reports)

July
– Took WonderGIRL to Vegas for her 21st birthday
– Another bestie turns 40 and celebrates in Whatcom County
– Death and funeral of an integral teacher and friend in my life
– Attended The Eras Tour and became a converted elder millenial Swiftie for life

August
– Made the incredibly difficult decision to resign from school counseling position to protect my own mental health and stay true to my values
– Once again, grieving the absence of volleyball starting
– My father ends up hospitalized for diabetes-related symptoms for one week with extra care needed beyond hospital visit
– WonderBOY and Scott travel to Alaska for a family fishing expedition
– 11 year wedding anniversary

September
– Establish RootedWELL Coaching, my new LLC business adventure

October
– WB and Scott travel to Wyoming, WB experiences his first kill
– Solo camping adventure for my birthday
– Discovery of my husband’s current/recent infidelity (very end of month)

November/December
– Grieve my marriage, survive my symptoms, rely on my support system
– Start counseling (both individual and marriage) and medication knowing I cannot cope with this particular struggle by myself
– Navigate the holidays (and Apple Cup and birthdays) amidst pain and questioning

In these two months, I have cried and felt more than all the times in my entire life put together. If you know me, you know it is very difficult for me to cry and be vulnerable with my emotions (Enneagram 3 problems). This has opened up a number of experiences for me, including true understanding of what it feels like to walk through attachment trauma AND to fully let others in to help support me through this time. And although I am experienced heightened emotions NOW, the loss of so many pieces of my identity in BLINDSIDING fashion this year is really the true source of my pain long-term and my greatest need to rebuild in the new year.

The glimmer of it all – I have seen and been encouraged by the strength of my Wonders as they also navigate this attachment rupture – their mature words, their empathy and care for me, and their focus on their own coping skills reinforces what seeds I so desperately wanted to plant for them in their hearts and minds. It’s been a bittersweet time for me to see those seeds grow and shine in support of me and our family as we walk through this struggle together.

Some folks might be wondering why I’m including some of these details in my very public blog and here is my response – I’ve always felt aligned with my integrity when I share both the ups and the downs of my life. This is no different. I will be sharing MY experience (with consent from my husband)….and just like others have shared theirs with me, it helps to navigate alongside others who have experienced similar things. Compassion after all means “to suffer together” – my hope is that by me sharing, it can help me make meaning of the events from this past year but also might help someone else in the process of reading by being exposed to new ideas/concepts in their journies. That is and will always be my hope for this blog.

On glimmers

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Patti Hoelzle

As I talked about in my previous post, the last 9 months have been excruciating on my mental health, my feelings of self-worth, and on multiple relationships in my world. I learned of “glimmers” last year at some point, but really found myself being intentional with looking for them as a coping skill during the “only kinda” bad days. On the really bad days, I just let myself feel, numb, and hide from the world (also a strategy that works for me in times of stress so I just let it happen and hope it doesn’t turn into too many days in a row).

What is a “glimmer”? In the context of mental health, a “glimmer” typically refers to a small, fleeting, or brief moment of positive emotion, hope, or improvement in a person’s mental and emotional state. It’s often used when discussing individuals who may be experiencing mental health challenges or going through difficult times.

For example, someone going through depression or anxiety may have moments of “glimmer” where they briefly feel a bit better, experience a positive thought, or have a temporary respite from their symptoms. These moments of hope or positivity can be important indicators of progress and resilience in the face of mental health challenges.

Here are a few glimmers I have had the foresight to capture and document with a picture:

My challenge to you, whether you’re in the good times or the not so good times, is to wake up and look for the glimmers. Reassure yourself that they’re there – the more you look for them, the more you find. But also, if you don’t or can’t find any, having a no-good terrible bad day is okay too (I am available to have one alongside you if needed!!!!).

40/40 – on my lessons learned

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Patti Hoelzle

While reflecting on past moments for this series, it really changed my perspective on moments that were happening in the actual present. Is this moment significant? What makes it special or memorable? Is this something I should reflect on/document or should I just be in it and feel it? What about this moment is standing out to me?

And what I learned is that so many moments ARE significant, in all sorts of ways. Sometimes positive and special but also some are significant because they are utterly heartbreaking and impact the course of our lives or of someone’s life that we love dearly. In my 40th year, what I know for certain, is that the journey of a life is really a never-ending series of heartaches and pain, followed by resiliency and support from loved ones if you’re lucky enough to have those and then sprinkled with content-ness in between (some bigger sprinkles of time than others).

Some of my heartbreaks and pain the last couple of years have been both professionally at work and then personally within my beautifully and messily created family. And the realization and sinking in that I am replaceable in so many different parts of my world – coaching, school counseling, district leadership and in friendships. And all of those systems and people will keep moving on without me….minus the crew that is tied to me through parenting and marriage. I have adjusted the time and energy I spend on the outside world versus the world within these four walls accordingly…not just physical time but also emotional and mental energy as well.

I just want to add in here that this quote should also be available with he/him and they/them pronouns as I do think the grown ups in the home while parenting are the ones that are irreplaceable, not just the “mom”. K rant over.

Some of my other “moments” from this past year that I haven’t documented include:
– WonderGIRL learning her own moments of growth and vulnerability in relationships and work life as she transitions to adulthood
– WonderBOY finding his voice in sharing with others how he feels and what he needs to be in relationship with them
– Scott and I focusing on date nights and travel with each other….even though we mercilessly tease each other to outsiders, I do enjoy his company quite a bit
– little nuggets of love and growth from students at school (the hugs alone are all separate moments I treasure dearly)
– saying no to activities that drain my energy
– showing up to things that fuel my tank
– the opening of the new high school gymnasium and my team’s first match in the facility (okay and winning in 5 was pretty sweet too)
– getting ridiculously sick (2 different times) and relying on my husband and Western medicine
– 2 cups of brewed coffee at home each morning (bonus moment points to when Christmas lights are involved on a dark morning)
– discovering Pickleball along WonderBOY and Scott as a fun and physical family outing
– finding a community of like minded professionals in the school counseling world through Tik Tok
– experiencing WB getting cut from a basketball program and observing him handle it with grace and maturity
– every day in May walking challenge (I definitely want to walk outside more as part of my 2023 goal setting)
– Scott and I checking each other non-verbally when chatting with our teens in order to keep conflicts at a minimum (okay I really hate this but know it’s needed)
– valuing and loving my body in its present form without constant comparison or criticism from my inner thoughts
– Hallford’s visits to my school and his patterns of laying on my chest and purring each and every night
– having an emergency foster placement around Halloween time….watching my husband parent him in such a more connected and positive way than 8 years ago when starting out with the Wonders AND having him bond with my volleyball team
– said foster placement moving away and leaving my school, breaking my heart open to the possibility of fostering again
– critical conversations at work that are making me realize what I want and don’t want as I move forward professionally, working in an education system that is so incredibly flawed but also so incredibly necessary to care for kids
– connecting more with my sister in law through our Sunday walks (and Pho dates when we don’t want to walk)

And to end this post, a quote moving into this next chapter of my 40’s:

29/40 – figuring out fitness as an adult

Posted on October 16, 2022 by Patti Hoelzle

It’s been a long time figuring out my personal fitness journey as an adult. Because of some history with my status as an athlete and disordered eating/exercising, figuring out the balance was difficult.

There was a time in my adult life that I went about 6 months without a single day of intentional exercise and obviously I know this is not healthy for me and my stress levels. I am not a good “gym-goer” – I don’t like being around others when working out due to my competitive and comparison-prone nature. I also can’t have goals like weight loss or size of clothes because of that being such a slippery slope into some past habits.

Enter the Peloton – I had been seeing them pop in friends’ homes and social media feeds and was instantly intrigued. After watching from afar, we made the purchase and really haven’t looked back since. You can read my thoughts on this here and here. And although I do love the short, yet tough workouts and the inspiring, engaging instructors, I also just love being in a room by myself and getting this attainable goal done when needed.

I also love a “distraction” method of working out where I can put on my favorite emotional support Netflix series and walk for an hour at a time on the tread. I set up my laptop, hit “resume show” and get a ton done (most of my 40 moments were written while walking). This formula has helped me hit some huge minute milestones on my Peloton and has helped me with my yearly goal of 20 minutes of movement each day.

Shown here in the dark – during school/volleyball, many of my walks are taking place after the sun goes down.

27/40 – on no longer being an “athlete”

Posted on September 25, 2022 by Patti Hoelzle

From the moment I can remember being a kid, I was both competitive and involved in some type of athletics. Until I became too tall, it was gymnastics. Until everyone (myself included) realized I couldn’t catch or throw a ball, it was softball. From middle school on, I was on all the teams. Volleyball, basketball and track (field to be specific) were the final three that lasted through high school.

My identity was very much wrapped up in this athletic life….practice and game schedules, the friends I hung out with, what clothes I wore….all of it really stemmed from what sport I was playing at the time. Although I wasn’t a star by any means, I did find success in specific sports and really appreciated the leadership potential my coaches saw in me.

This success led to recruitment from WSU to join the rowing team. Being a D1 athlete was both a privilege (my favorite perk: laundry service!) and a hardship. I felt a lot of pressure to perform and rise above my teammates without any prior experience at the actual sport….and I also wasn’t all that great, which was a hard pill for me to swallow at the time.

Some images of my time on the WSU novice crew team.

After choosing not to continue my crew career and focusing on a job (and let’s be honest, my social life) my sophomore year, I started to struggle. Without the scheduling boundaries, a coach to guide and mentor me, and my body/emotions resetting after going 200% for years – I started to struggle with extreme body dysmorphia and developed an eating disorder that took its toll both physically and emotionally. For me, this looked like restricted dieting and way too many hours exercising at our rec center on campus (even to the point of me going 3 times per day for 1-2 hours at a time).

Eventually, I was able to find a balance for myself but knowing what I know now as a professional, I was definitely experiencing what is now known as post-athlete depression. My struggles with self-worth and my body would continue for years, but ultimately made better by maturity, my own control over exercise and dieting, and my supportive social network.

My own experiences have helped me prepare my own senior athletes for this very transition – many of my players get to go on and play college volleyball. But for others, high school is where their status of “athlete” ends. I encourage them to prepare for that transition mindfully. To think about what body movement brings them joy. To create a schedule that feels good to them and surround themselves with others who love and support them, no matter what they look like, what they eat or what kind of exercise routines they participate in. Just exposing them to the struggle of the transition is more than I had knowledge of at the time and I hope that this critical conversation can help them navigate it more healthier than I did.

To parents of teenage athletes, a few things to remember –
1. Their success in sports will be more tied to their emotional health than their physical health. Which one should you be checking in on more?
2. Let the coach coach. What they need from you is a protective and safe buffer that keeps out the pressure and the competition, not adding more on.
3. Monitor their eating, sleep, mental health closely – do you notice any changes? Extra workouts? Less food at dinner? Avoiding meal times altogether?
4. Talk to them about MORE than just sports…..what are their other interests and hobbies? What else can they do in their summer and free time besides training? Maybe you can do it together!!!

*My parents (and every single coach I had) were incredibly supportive of me as an athlete and did not necessarily do anything to put extra pressure on me – nor do I blame them for any of what I developed in college, as they tried to stay connected and I isolated what information they received. My pressure definitely came from myself and an unnecessary need to compare myself to others. But per usual, I like to use my hard stories for good and for prevention, so by sharing my story, I hope you can be more mindful with your own kiddos or athletes that you mentor.

Moments #22-26/40 – On five moments in our marriage

Posted on August 11, 2022 by Patti Hoelzle

Today, we celebrate 10 years of marriage and if you’ve been following along for any length of time, you know our marriage (like most) have had its share of roller coaster moments. I know that all marriages go through these – but with ours, some of those rockier moments came a bit earlier than to be expected due to a number of factors. Today I wanted to honor those 10 years with 5 moments that are memorable to me in big ways (but possibly are not the same magical moments you might expect one to document from a marriage).

Marriage moment #1 – your disclosure of your childhood abuse
Technically this was before our marriage – in fact, it was probably within the first month of us dating which was so very brave of you after repressing your story for 27+ years up to this point. You told me what you had bravely survived and then you told me that you fully expected me to stand up, walk out and never speak to you again after hearing the disclosure. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.) How I did respond: “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. The only thing I need is that when you need help to work through it, you will get it.” And you have held strong to that commitment in every sense of the word…..not only seeking out the help you need but breaking down barriers and stigma for others in your line of profession and allowing me to share pieces of your journey here on the blog.

Marriage moment #2 – the day you said yes
I told you that two students that had been removed from their home hadn’t returned to school and I was worried. I stalked the CPS worker and volunteered our home for the weekend as was only needed at the time. They needed an answer within the hour. I called you, explained the situation, and asked you to take two traumatized children you had never met into our home for a whirlwind weekend….you said said yes right away with the sweetest words, “whatever discomfort I might have in bringing them home does not compare with the fear they are feeling so yes let’s do it.” That weekend became months, those months became years, and the rest is history.

Marriage moment #3 – hitting rock bottom as a couple
I haven’t shared much regarding the incredibly hard 2 years we’ve had navigating WonderGIRL’s transition to adulthood….but it has taken an extreme toll on all 3 of us remaining Team Hoelzle Brown members along with a toll on our marriage. Last Fall, it all came to a head with a gnarly argument where my voice was silenced and bad choices were made as far as communication with WG. But out of that darkness came some self-awareness from you that things needed to change. That the suggestions I was making to you like looking for other forms of trauma healing were needed like EMDR or psychedelic interventions. And while we navigated our relationship in silence and separate bedrooms for a while, you took your healing into your own hands. Relied on your own support network outside of me to keep you accountable and get you to Ketamine appointments. Switched counselors, knowing you were at a stalemate with your current one. You did the work and you are a much better man, father and husband because of it.

Marriage moment #4 – figuring out our biggest conflict
In 2018 with both kiddos in school and activities along with our own pursuits, we realized that our biggest arguments came from scheduling and miscommunication about who/what/when in day to day life. At this point, we started having weekly scheduling meetings each Sunday night to go through our week and work things out ahead of time (Cozi, an online app, also helped with this). During this year, we also had a transformative discussion about our relationship values and I encourage other couples to do the same – it’s helped us prioritize some things like finances and schedules along with keeping us grounded together when distractions pull us away constantly. Read more about scheduling and our values in this blog post from 2018.

(HIS) Marriage moment #5 – learning I was right in 2021 *completely his words, not mine!
This one is funny from his perspective because when we first got married, other veteran married couples would often offer advice to us as the newbies. 9 out of 10 spouses (usually husbands) would say that the secret to a happy marriage is to always say/assume/act as if “she is always right.” And you HATED that sentiment. You claimed that we didn’t follow other marital/gender norms so why should we follow that one. And while we don’t really use this mantra in our daily functioning, I do appreciate that you are more open to listening to me and my opinions on how things should go in regards to parenting, our mental health journeys, etc. I also think there is a lot to be said for our good communication skills and me growing in my ability to listen to YOU and trust some of your choices and opinions as well.

Thank you for being you and growing alongside me as a spouse and parent all these years. Also, a big thank you for sitting in the ER with me for 6+ hours yesterday and ruining our actual anniversary due to my strep throat contagious period. In sickness and in health….

More to come on our anniversary trip to Whistler (where I probably caught said strep throat) because it was AMAZING and I want to share all the places we found in case you want to travel there too someday.

Simple Shenanigans

A WONDERful collision of chaos, calm and craftiness (and maybe a few cats too)…..

Category Archives: Mental Health