Moments #22-26/40 – On five moments in our marriage

Today, we celebrate 10 years of marriage and if you’ve been following along for any length of time, you know our marriage (like most) have had its share of roller coaster moments. I know that all marriages go through these – but with ours, some of those rockier moments came a bit earlier than to be expected due to a number of factors. Today I wanted to honor those 10 years with 5 moments that are memorable to me in big ways (but possibly are not the same magical moments you might expect one to document from a marriage).

Marriage moment #1 – your disclosure of your childhood abuse
Technically this was before our marriage – in fact, it was probably within the first month of us dating which was so very brave of you after repressing your story for 27+ years up to this point. You told me what you had bravely survived and then you told me that you fully expected me to stand up, walk out and never speak to you again after hearing the disclosure. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.) How I did respond: “This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. The only thing I need is that when you need help to work through it, you will get it.” And you have held strong to that commitment in every sense of the word…..not only seeking out the help you need but breaking down barriers and stigma for others in your line of profession and allowing me to share pieces of your journey here on the blog.

Marriage moment #2 – the day you said yes
I told you that two students that had been removed from their home hadn’t returned to school and I was worried. I stalked the CPS worker and volunteered our home for the weekend as was only needed at the time. They needed an answer within the hour. I called you, explained the situation, and asked you to take two traumatized children you had never met into our home for a whirlwind weekend….you said said yes right away with the sweetest words, “whatever discomfort I might have in bringing them home does not compare with the fear they are feeling so yes let’s do it.” That weekend became months, those months became years, and the rest is history.

Marriage moment #3 – hitting rock bottom as a couple
I haven’t shared much regarding the incredibly hard 2 years we’ve had navigating WonderGIRL’s transition to adulthood….but it has taken an extreme toll on all 3 of us remaining Team Hoelzle Brown members along with a toll on our marriage. Last Fall, it all came to a head with a gnarly argument where my voice was silenced and bad choices were made as far as communication with WG. But out of that darkness came some self-awareness from you that things needed to change. That the suggestions I was making to you like looking for other forms of trauma healing were needed like EMDR or psychedelic interventions. And while we navigated our relationship in silence and separate bedrooms for a while, you took your healing into your own hands. Relied on your own support network outside of me to keep you accountable and get you to Ketamine appointments. Switched counselors, knowing you were at a stalemate with your current one. You did the work and you are a much better man, father and husband because of it.

Marriage moment #4 – figuring out our biggest conflict
In 2018 with both kiddos in school and activities along with our own pursuits, we realized that our biggest arguments came from scheduling and miscommunication about who/what/when in day to day life. At this point, we started having weekly scheduling meetings each Sunday night to go through our week and work things out ahead of time (Cozi, an online app, also helped with this). During this year, we also had a transformative discussion about our relationship values and I encourage other couples to do the same – it’s helped us prioritize some things like finances and schedules along with keeping us grounded together when distractions pull us away constantly. Read more about scheduling and our values in this blog post from 2018.

(HIS) Marriage moment #5 – learning I was right in 2021 *completely his words, not mine!
This one is funny from his perspective because when we first got married, other veteran married couples would often offer advice to us as the newbies. 9 out of 10 spouses (usually husbands) would say that the secret to a happy marriage is to always say/assume/act as if “she is always right.” And you HATED that sentiment. You claimed that we didn’t follow other marital/gender norms so why should we follow that one. And while we don’t really use this mantra in our daily functioning, I do appreciate that you are more open to listening to me and my opinions on how things should go in regards to parenting, our mental health journeys, etc. I also think there is a lot to be said for our good communication skills and me growing in my ability to listen to YOU and trust some of your choices and opinions as well.

Thank you for being you and growing alongside me as a spouse and parent all these years. Also, a big thank you for sitting in the ER with me for 6+ hours yesterday and ruining our actual anniversary due to my strep throat contagious period. In sickness and in health….

More to come on our anniversary trip to Whistler (where I probably caught said strep throat) because it was AMAZING and I want to share all the places we found in case you want to travel there too someday.

Happy Father’s Day to a perfectly imperfect father….

This man has been completely transformed by becoming a father….a father to a number of kiddos who ONLY knew a father that was abusive, manipulative, and barely provided even a slight version of love and nurturing to them.

And just like many fathers, he had to grow into the role over time and that wasn’t easy. Understanding the dynamics of each child and figuring out to humbly love them unconditionally, as well as navigate his own childhood triggers and feelings about parenting.

What I love the most about the example he shows them and is very open to expressing to them…..is admittance of his struggles and roller coaster of mental health journey. And a constant willingness to get help for those struggles….to become a better father, husband and person always. That is what they need to see….a vision for their future, not only for their own health but for the health of their future family relationships as well. When they hit bumps in their roads, I hope they look back and remember their father hitting the same bumps and seeking help from his community, his family, and mental health professionals.

I am so very proud of the journey towards true and healthy fatherhood this man has taken. And while it makes me a bit jealous, seeing the love and adoration the Wonders have for him through the ups and the downs is truly magical.

And boy do our nieces love their “Uncle Sock” as well….so cute!

Click here for some cute words from the Wonders on Father’s Day 2016.

9/40 – On “how I met your father”

A lovely friend (thank you Anna) gave me some amazing ideas for specific moments in my life she was curious about. I work well off of a list to check off (enneagram 3 coming in hot here) so let the fun begin….

It was March 2010 and I was coming off of a breakup…my HSLP Elke had agreed to a mission trip to Haiti and asked if I would come along. I needed a little something extra fulfilling in my life at that moment and said yes!

One funny moment happened at the planning meeting before the trip – I showed up in all my Ferndale volleyball gear coming straight from practice and met Scott for the first time. After the fact, he shared that he was 100% convinced I was a high schooler at that point in time (we were hanging with our fave high schooler Julia so that made sense).

Once to Haiti, we ended up having beds next to each other in the church building on site at the orphanage. This meant lots of exhausted moments trying to escape the heat and children crawling all over our laps while said rest was trying to happen.

A lot of time was spent falling in love with the children there and being safe spaces for them to get love and nurturing from.

At this trip, we had a conversation about our intentions to adopt children as the primary way to build our future families and I remember thinking that I had never heard someone else (let alone a male at that time with my circle of peeps) feel the same way I did. Also, on this trip, I got to sit next to Scott on the flight home as he had literal panic attacks from his fear of flying…..I kept him busy with aggressive bantering and tales of Haitian babies to keep him occupied.

A week later, he texted Elke to ensure his odd of a “yes” from me was in his future. We drank too much wine at Scotty Browns on our first date as we spent hours talking about our trip. And the rest is history!!!

A year later, we were fortunate enough to take a return trip to the same orphanage together. Oh did our favorite little Haitian crew (and Julia of course) love that we were dating.

So all of this culminated in my all-time favorite picture of me and my husband atop a Haitian hill at sunset with our little loves playing with garbage and loving us. This picture serves as a quick dopamine boost whenever I need to remember our story, our collective purpose, and the beautiful start of the broken road that led us to each other .

One Little Word 2022

This word directly relates to where I perceived myself to be at on January 28th of 2020 where I made an Instagram story with the following sentiments.
“I’m a big goal setter but sometimes I push them back and procrastinate. This month and this year is different (said with a cringe amount of confidence). I’m leaning in and putting those steps out into the universe. I can see now that there are people and things being placed in my path that are meshing and aligning so well for what I’m trying to do. I can’t attribute that to anything else but my purpose coming to light. It’s driving me in a new way and I’m so thankful for that.”

Literally the. next. day, an event happened in my family that would rupture it’s very foundation of safety and my heart. The next month, my position in my district was taken away due to a failed levy. And the month after that, our schools were shut down to Covid-19 along with the rest of the world. So needless to say, my hopes, dreams and positive disposition about “everything happening for a reason and falling into place” was really shot to hell and my heart and mental health was in shambles. My theme song for that year would have been a combination of Alanis’ Morrisette’s “Ironic” and “Shot Through the Heart” by Bon Jovi.

So this year, my word that resonated the most with me is……

What I am hoping to reclaim:
– my marriage
– a new role as Mom to adults with trauma
– the belief in myself as a leader in education
– my pursuit of impactful experiences outside of school counseling role (public speaking, writing, podcast, etc.)
– prioritizing vacation and travel for our family and myself
– saying no to people or experiences that drag me down

Even “reclaimed” my hair which had gotten out of control long since the last time I cut it in March of 2020.

Here is what a fancy Facebook quiz told me about my 2022 and I rather like the final result:

Why does stubborn and independent have to be combined together two times?!?!? Sheesh I get it…..

A few other members of Team HB picked words as well –
Scott – GROWTH
WonderGIRL – RESTORE
WonderBOY – “your mom” (typical answer these days – oh joy)

If you’re interested in checking out my previous’ years words on the blog, just click the “one little word” tag below the post and they should all pop up.
2010- me (the year I went to Haiti and met Scott)
2011- you
2012- us (got married)
2013- rooted
2014- connect (Team Brave Dinosaurs formed February 2014)
2015- (survive), didn’t pick a word out of sheer chaos that was our journey this year including criminal trial and extremely hard trauma behaviors
2016- together (adoption!)
2017- allow
2018- spark
2019- value
2020- vision
2021- heal

On our 3rd annual Team HB meeting

Two years ago, we started this tradition of sitting down together as a family to review our year and have a casual conversation about what the next year had in store for us. This year, we reconvened our meeting and much to my surprise, there was minimal resistance from the Wonders and my husband.

Listing 22 things we wanted to accomplish year. It was fun to compare mine with Scott’s to see the overlap.

Per usual, the kiddos worked on some worksheets from Big Life Journal (I also like to use these at work with students and still on sale) to capture some of their thoughts.

Although this practice seems a little corny and REALLY feeds into the January “new year new me” hype that I’m not a big fan of, our family has been through some weird transitions this past year so this type of coming together and circling back up together was quite comforting to my Mama heart. Plus, it’s really fun to look back on past years’ work and see how much everyone has grown and changed.

And just because I like to be real and honest here, we also reviewed our family goals from last year and really sucked at all of them except for 8 family hikes….so we live, we learn – and maybe we needed more than just one year to get some of those things checked off our family bucket list.

On my favorite “gives”

I love giving gifts that mean something to the receiver and honoring something from that particular point in time. I don’t always knock it out of the park and sometimes I just run out of time, but I was excited about a few things this particular Christmas.

Honoring a lost loved one:
The Wonders’ biological mother passed away a few years ago which resulted in some complicated grief for both of them in their own ways. I wanted to honor her memory in a way that both of them could access when desired and for years to come. We had saved letters that she had written to the kiddos when they were in foster care and she was working on getting them back. Although the entirety of the letter is not her handwriting, I knew the signature was and had that made into special bracelets for them.

The box included the bracelet, the original letter, and a laminated picture of her signature to keep all in one special spot.

Honoring a hard year(s):
Each year, our family members write letters to each other and those are the first things we open Christmas morning. I combined my love of photos with my new favorite song/anthem of the year (from my favorite new podcast of the year). Each time I heard this song, I would imagine what it would be like for each of my family members to TRULY believe the words and live their truth and best, healed lives moving forward and it got me each time. If you ever saw me singing in my car, it was most likely to this song at a high volume (or a 90’s hip hop playlist). Their “letters” included a special picture from this year, a card explaining the lyrics and a special laminated (can you tell I got a laminator for Christmas?) picture with the lyrics overplayed for them to display somewhere they might need it.

Stay tuned for another blog post with one more special present I gifted this year. What was your favorite that you watched someone unwrap with love this year?

Ketamine journey – part 2

From his perspective:
Ketamine treatments (see part 1 for “what is ketamine”?) have been life changing for me. The treatments have allowed me to think clearly. It has taken my anxiety that i have had most of my life and made it almost non existent. The best way I can describe it is that I can finally breath, but not in the physical sense. I feel like I have clarity and a thousand pounds of gunk as been removed from my chest. 

WB and I waiting for Dad after his last session!

NW ketamine has been amazing every step of the way. They have answered all my questions and took away any anxiety or nervousness i had about the process. Their clinic is so inviting and relaxing. The staff is incredible. You’re in a room with a nurse and you sit in a giant comfy chair. There are all kinds of essential oil scents to smell during the process. 

During the infusion the only way I can explain it is you are seeing things through your minds eye. It is an out of body experience that is hard to describe. I never felt scared or unsafe. The nurse is always there in case you need to talk to them. One of the most impactful things for me was that I actually got to “talk” to my abuser and finally say no. Also during this process I was actually able to see in myself that I have worth. If you know me, that is not something I’ve ever done or thought. 

PS. I listen to non lyrical Native American flute music on my AirPods during the session (he really felt you needed to know this part.)

From my (wife’s) perspective:
I have a lighter and more free husband after the last three weeks of treatment. PTSD and other mental health diagnoses can feel like a jail cell sometimes and can be incredibly isolating when others don’t know the heaviness of what is happening behind closed doors. He is slower to react and more gentle in his interactions with me and the kiddos. I am so grateful we have a supportive network that can suggest these modes of treatment and that we have the resources to seek them out for ourselves and our family. I am also grateful my husband loves me enough to listen to my ideas and try them out, making himself incredibly vulnerable to not only the action but me writing about it afterward (and just to reiterate, with his permission).

A piece of the healing puzzle

I know I have been absent on here the last couple of months – it is hard to discern what stories to share and what stories to keep private to protect the relationships and journeys of those I love and care for.

In usual end of year fashion, I look forward to publishing my yearly blog book and don’t want to miss out on a chance to tell some stories from this year – perhaps even with the purpose of sharing inspiration to others that could use it.

This year, my One Little Word was heal (read blog post here). Part of this was researching some alternative forms of healing to the usual suspects of medication and talk therapy. These forms of help definitely have a place in our world of mental health but what I am finding is that some mental health struggles can actually be resistant to this treatment or even worse, they can make some symptoms even worse.

My husband, who has struggled with mental health stemming from childhood trauma (his most accurate diagnosis would most likely be Complex-PTSD but very few clinicians give this diagnosis – especially to adults). After a rough patch this year, he agreed to try some alternative forms of treatment, including both Ketamine infusions and EMDR. I thought I would share a piece of his story (with his permission) about Ketamine, in case you or a loved one is also struggling with depression/anxiety that may be resistant to other forms of treatment.

Northwest Ketamine was recommended to us and he had a very good experience there. I will post a Part 2 with some of his own thoughts on the treatment.

Have you heard of Ketamine infusions before? If the answer is no and you or a loved one is struggling with mental health, remember to do some research and ask questions – there is more out there than medication and talk therapy!

On 9 years

Getting married in our late 20s meant we had some stuff to work out in our early relationship. Some past patterns and hurts that showed up early and threatened our relationship in big ways….I am so glad those hurts stretched us, made us vulnerable, and got us into therapy because it built two individual humans strong enough to endure what was to come.

The last two years have included some dark and hard tunnels. And I respect and love this man for blindly walking through them with me hand in hand….without knowing when the light will come.

April favorites

From Spring Break to the boys birthdays to a lot of transitional milestones for WonderGIRL, this was a busy month!!! Here are some my fave photos…..

Recreating our first ferry date as husband and wife. The ferry and islands hold special memories for us.

The view though – what a clear and perfect day to be up at Mount Constitution!
6 month post-op – WG got to donate her HIGGY BEARS from Christmas to the Children’s Hospital. What a sweet moment.
Cat snuggles.
WG started her new job as a nursing assistant at the local assisted living residence just down the street from our house. She is loving it so far and I’m sure the residents are also loving her quite a bit.
Without the need for the larger SUV, we sold our highlander to a lovely couple with young kiddos and I got my spaceship back!!! Penelope Jr. – I’m just as obsessed as I was with the original.