Category Archives: Foster/Adopt

WonderGIRL is sweet 16!!!

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After 16 years of filling this world with joy, extra loud laughter (like seriously…..so loud), and love for others, this little lady is 16! Here are a few of her thoughts, dreams, and ideas captured into history…..
On being 16…..
Being 16 is exciting but at the same time it’s going to be a bigger step to adulting. Which is nerve wracking and adventurous. The older I get the closer I get to getting my own job and buying my house and my future kids and driving (hopefully not in that order says Mom…..please get a license). I feel like there is going to be a chance in the world of WonderGIRL.

On your future job….
My future dream job is to open my own bakery. It will be desserts and baked goods from all over the world. Two days a week, kids will come in and our bakers will help kids learn how to cook. It will be an open cafe every Saturday and Sunday.

Thoughts on your brother….
As of right now, my brother is very frustrating. He thinks that since he’s getting older and almost in 5th grade he’s so cool. He is getting a fun summer with Fircreek. The other day when I was doing yard work, without the parents telling him to, he brought me hot chocolate which was very sweet. He’s very fun to watch tv shows with and tells me which parts I’m going to like.

On counseling….
Counseling is really hard. Really helpful, but really hard. I hate putting in the work because it’s really hard to deal with so many emotions. It’s really helped with me and my Mom’s relationship and with me being able to trust Daddy more. It has not been an easy journey, but I’m more open and honest with her. It’s easy to be vulnerable with my counselor.

What is your purpose in life?
The reason I am here is to bring joy to the world and be helpful to kids. To learn what God has planned in the future and to be an amazing sister and a daughter and have a wonderful future.

Who are you?
I am a girl that believes I can make a change. I don’t know. I’m stuck (Mom: in life or on this question???? WG: I don’t know who I am right now….I think I do in my heart but I’m not sure)

What is important to you?
My brother. My family. My past. As of right now, my heart is pretty important to me.

What is something most people don’t know about you?
Most people don’t know that I’m really loud (insert Mama’s shocked face here…..I’m sorry dear I think that’s one of the first things people learn about you). I think people don’t know that I’m a big sleeper.

One word quick fire:
WonderBOY – amazing
BraveGIRL – silly
Mama – loving
Daddy – protective
Rexie – fiesty
high school – drama
favorite movie – Black Panther
sweet 16 – exciting
proud of – how far I’ve come
favorite food – spaghetti

On being the nurturing enemy….

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These words. A title for a role I am still working to understand. A role I’m not sure I want on the worst of days. And a role that was gifted to me, I accepted and now am working to grow into…..one day, one trigger, one kiddo at a time. We are battling big time with love and trust with our WonderGirl…..at this teenage crossroads, will she lean in or push us away? Let us protect her or forge out on her own?

In many ways, we are parenting a 3 year old. Someone who knows we are the mom and dad and knows we are safe but still needs to test the boundaries of their independence and new skills. How far away can I stray and those people over there will still be there when I return? And then you add in hormones, same-age peer comparisons and a complete lack of working memory…..and our battles can be exhausting.

So when I come across an article that literally makes me have my own fight, flight or freeze response with complete acknowledgement of all my insides….I just felt compelled to share. For other trauma mamas of course and for our tribes to get some perspective….not for pity but just for grace and understanding. Which is all we really want anyway…..

The most realistic quote I have come across in my years of the foster/adopt world:
“In many ways, the primary caregiver who steps in to parent, raise, and care for a child whose trust has been previously broken is often approached as the nurturing enemy. I have no words to describe how devastating and utterly depressing this reality is. It’s a mixture of hopeless and helpless, with an extra-large side of carnal frustration and a daily sprinkling a Divine Grace that is only ever enough to help you persevere through whatever current challenge is before you.”

Read the full article here.

My sweet WG is amazing in so many ways and I don’t want to take that away from her. She is loving, nurturing to others, a bundle of joy, and the list goes on and on. Many who meet her probably are baffled at my stories based on her behavior in public and social settings. And I am okay with the sometimes divergent path of this parenting journey with her…..it’s part of what we were called to do. And it’s also extremely helpful when others understand the struggle and come alongside us as we set boundaries for her and place expectations and restraints that might be against what THEY view as her needs or us being too harsh to a “normal teenage girl.”

And to all the other “nurturing enemies” reading this, I see you, I feel you, I know we stay in and isolate ourselves to of protection……so please come over for a glass of wine or coffee (or both) sometime. Swear words, slammed doors, and the potential of violence may be an added bonus to your beverage but so will empathy, compassion, and a whole lot of connection too.

 

On Mother’s Day….

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Today we pray for staying present, being grateful, and healing.

Here is our story…..one teenage girl whose mother was stolen from her. Another’s who abandoned her. And one confused 10 year old boy who can’t even remember what his mother looks like because he was told a different woman was actually his mother. The complication is deep, the wounds are real, and my place in their lives is truly an honor (and at times oh so exhausting to be avoiding these triggers). What you don’t see erased and written over in my Mother’s Day card: Will you please let me see my real mom???? At school this week while his classmates (some….lots of our kiddos have trauma) are simply writing a card to a mom that they have done for 9 years before, he is confused and struggling and wishing perhaps things were different for him. That someone didn’t love him and guessing at reasons why…..

So today….we heal from the week of physical attacks and emotional ones too. And we spend a sunny day together and feel what a new feeling of family feels like…..one that doesn’t leave. We practice being fully present and we love fully.

To all of you readers out there with equally complicated mom stories….whether it’s your mom or perhaps you may be struggling with a burning desire to be a mom, I pray you get to be present and surrounded by your tribe today rooted in love and compassion. And if anyone is interested, we’ll be drinking wine and enjoying the sun at Vartanyan winery today after lunch – feel free to join us!

BraveGIRL stays a while….

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As many of you know, a sweet friend of WonderGIRL’s came to live with us on a short-term basis in August and has been a lovely addition to our family. She is 15 and has a heart of gold that we have loved discovering over time. Through some family decision team meetings, it has been decided that BraveGIRL is going to stay with us long term. We hope to set her up for a successful transition to adulthood with some firm boundaries and a whole lot of daily lessons on family, relationships, and healthy decision-making. Also as usual on this blog, her story is her story and I won’t be sharing the story of what brought her to us publicly. Her trauma is big…..but my belief in her and her future is even bigger – which sums up about every single being in this house so she fits in quite nicely!!!!

This transition has included some bumpy roads for our other two Wonders as they navigate what it feels like to share their forever parents’ love and attention. Even though WG and WB are older, I imagine these are typical feelings from a 2 year old toddler with a newborn sibling…..feeling a disruption in the family make-up they once knew to be the end of the world. Rexie has already fallen in love with her, as evident in the quick dashes inside her bedroom as soon as the door opens and lots of snuggles in her lap.

Someone asked me the other night how many children Scott and I plan on bringing into our family….and the answer still remains the same and as simply complicated as ever – “however many God decides to give us.” We are still a licensed foster family and may start to take new placements this summer…..but are also open to considering an international adoption as well. Thank you to our ever expanding fan club for your prayers and support as our family size and structure ebbs and flows both physically and emotionally – we truly couldn’t be staying afloat without you.

 

WonderGIRL heads to Haiti

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My WonderGIRL is heading to her first missions trip to Haiti tonight…..I wanted to capture some of her thoughts and feelings here so she can reflect on them after she returns and years later to fully re-live her experience. Our house has been a minefield of emotions this past week as she sorts out different feelings of excitement, nervousness, and the fear of abandonment. She put it quite brilliantly to a family friend last night saying, “I am really excited to go on the trip, but I am super nervous to leave here.” This tension is heartbreaking but what I do feel confident in when sending her off is the ability for this challenge and experience to help her grow, not only in giving back to others but in growing confident away from our house and me in particular.I am excited about:
– seeing all these kids
– hand out lollipops to kids and see smiles on their face…..I like seeing kids smile and then it makes me smile
– they get healthier because we have medicines and doctors to make them feel better

I am nervous about:
– potentially getting sick
– messing up in giving medications that I might give someone the wrong thing
– seeing things that might scare me (destruction or sick/dying people)
– wanting to give the kids everything but I can’t do that
– Mom forgetting me at home while I’m gone
– leaving the house for that long of period

I wonder about:
– How does the food taste?
– Why are some people super poor?
– Why are the stores so expensive can’t get what they need?
– How people in Haiti look at God…..is their God the same God that we worship? How is he/she different?

I predict some changes when I return:
– better behaviors at home
– respecting what I already have (sometimes when I feel like I don’t have enough or I want more…..to know I have a lot more than other kids)

Prayers for both of them and the children and families they are about to touch in Haiti greatly appreciated!!!!

Some nuggets of truth…

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I have been soaking up professional development in this last month….but conferences can be hard when there is so much information and not enough time to “download” and process it all. These two gems stuck with me once I returned home so in hopes to ground them in writing somewhere, I want to document them here and maybe pass on the inspiration to you as well! I got to listen to an entire day from two wonderful presenters around mindfulness with children (and adults) and both of these quotes came from that day.Although it sounds so counter-intuitive, when tragedy strikes (a person, a family or a nation), sometimes it is a cry out for change or an awareness rises out of the tragedy that can advocate for a person or people in a new way. Right now with the school violence as a hot topic, we are talking about what needs to change for increased safety in school. This is obviously important to me in my work…..I still hold steady to a belief that more school counselors having chances to dig deeper with all students AND teach proactive coping skills/mental health prevention to all students really is the answer. So the gift for me of he recent tragedy is that others are speaking up and advocating for a smilier belief to mine which hasn’t always been the case (especially when sometimes the counselor is pitted against smaller class sizes which is a hard case to make for administration).

And on a personal note, my own Wonders’ tragedy brought them on a broken road to us as their parents and that really is one of the most amazing gifts that has ever been given me. We use this language a lot with all of our kiddos, because it can be so hard to rationalize the “why” of trauma and things being done to you as a child, but a greater plan and purpose for them is there and we must communicate that to them over and over.My new favorite quote EVER….like in the history of ever!!!

With what we know about burn out, compassion fatigue, secondary trauma and the effect of childhood trauma on our actual medical life outcomes….this is HUGE!! I feel like self-care has alway been thought of as a fuzzy term just held sacred for the uppity ups of our world….but small moments of self-care can be hugely impactful to anyone’s day. Whether it’s some quiet moments of calm in the morning or in the midst of you work day, some power poses before bed, or just making conscious efforts to meet up with your loved ones – self-care can not be an option. It is a requirement, just like exercise, to cope with our increasingly pressurized and stress-filled world.

P.S. I realize that my blog has been overloaded with lots of “deep” as of late…..apparently the thoughtful me has been dominating!!! I need to get these cute kiddos of mine on here with an update and some kid quotes ASAP……stay tuned!!!

On the power of chess….

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My little man has always been into board games and learning how to play chess came very easily for him. What a great chance to learn patience, problem solving, and thinking through moves before we make them (all traits we are furiously working on in life with our wonders day in and day out). Especially for kids with trauma, these pathways in his brain (overriding “fight or flight” with “stop, breathe, think”) need to be reinforced over and over again and chess is a great vehicle to make that happen! He joined an after school chess club this year and we’ve seen some amazing improvements in his schoolwork, attention and general temperament since he started.They have all-day chess tournaments around the county (who knew???) so we got to partake in one at FHS last week and it was such a fun and relaxing day supporting him (and running into old friends – bonus!!!!). I am really grateful WonderBOY has found something other than sports he can devote some time and energy into to become the well-rounded man I wish for him to be!My friend Anna sent me this great article highlighting the benefits of this great game that I thought I would pass along to you too. Click here to read!

4 year Live-a-versary!

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A little back story…..when we started our journey with our Wonders, we were unsure how much time we would get with them. At that time, we decided to celebrate each month with a special “Live-a-versary” to honor their presence in our lives and give them rituals to look forward to (not knowing whether we would ever get to celebrate a birthday or holiday with them).

We have done small things like a trip to a park or candlelight dinner and then big events like a weekend trip touring Seattle and the space needle…..but they always include lots of toasts with fancy drinks, time to reflect back on our time as a family/team and making newer commitments to each other heading forward.

Last night, we decided to recreate where we went on our first family date and the restaurant where we dreamed up our name “Team Brave Dinosaurs.” The full story (and first family selfie) of our first nights together can be read here. We also celebrate 6 months with BraveGIRL and love her special place in our hearts and our home. Here is what everyone stated as their favorite part of the last 4 years (and 6 months).

Daddy: Our adoption day and the first week Emily came home to stay

Mama: When all 5 of us fit on our big couch and watch a movie or show together and family sleepovers!

WonderGIRL: Getting adopted and coming home to a safe home every day from school (added from her words “I used to hate the bell at the end of the day or right before a break and would dread getting on the bus. Now I am excited to come home and see all you guys.”)

WonderBOY (complete with a fever who slept through dinner poor guy): All of our trips as a family, especially the cruise and Silverwood.

BraveGIRL: My favorite thing I’ve learned from living here is that when you fight, all you have to do is talk about it, apologize and it doesn’t last forever. I’m not used to that in my family (enter me tearing up here)

Rexie Ralphie: Clearly his favorite part is the luxurious rugs in the house for him to receive a personal back massage at all hours of the day/night.

On what they need to see in a marriage….

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As I have talked about multiple times on the blog, my sweet husband and I’s relationship has been a blessed but rocky road of overcoming many things (as many marriages are). We began seeking counseling before we were married and continue to work on our relationship and our own baggage and trust issues from childhood.

Now that our marriage is an example for our children heading into the real world, I constantly reflect on what we are showcasing to them on a daily basis and whether or not it will help or hurt them build a solid long-lasting relationship to start their own families.

And at the beginning of our placement with the Wonders, I would feel soooo guilty about any fighting or arguing that happened in front of the kiddos. They would hear our snarky voices or us walking away from each other in anger…..or they would observe our passive aggressive actions and comments that we tried to disguise in “adult language.” We would try and include them in the restore and forgiveness stage of this conflict so they could learn that arguing doesn’t always lead to someone leaving (a message engrained in their minds and hearts from childhood) but sometimes I still wondered if it was ruining their hopes of this new family environment being perfect in every way for them.

But OUR wonders may need to see something different than other children who have been raised in a healthily attached home. Just like our relationship is burdened with triggers and ghosts from a traumatic childhood, theirs will be too. They will struggle with trusting their partner, crippled with fear that something bad is always going to happen, unable to enjoy a positive period because of that imminent fear…..and these things will drain them and their partner be harmful to their relationship IF they don’t know any ways to get through this.

What I hope and pray they see in our marriage is:
– as many “I forgive you’s” as apologies
– even when mean words are said, we restore and come back together
– no one ever leaves (and if they do, it’s a coping strategy and they always come back)
– daily choosing to commit to their partner no matter what they have been through (and multiple home decor signs documenting this just in case we forget – wink wink)
– respectful language around feelings and actions, not blaming and accusations
– this relationship is HARD WORK…..and that hard work needs to happen often for it to survive
– tears and strong feelings mean the relationship is important, not that that the relationship is doomed to end
– non-perfect people make non-perfect marriages –> and imperfection means a huge need for communication, emotional coping skills, and forgiveness

Kisses after bedtime

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I’ve always been a bit infatuated with taking pictures of my WonderBOY sleeping – I think as all boy moms can attest to…..when their energy, rough edges, fart giggles, and aggression wanes for the day and their sweet vulnerability shines through, they are kinda irresistible.

We are in a rough season with this little guy right now…..seeing some regression in behaviors along with an increase in violence toward us (but mostly me – his safe person) and sometimes when he’s sleeping, I lean over to kiss him hoping they seep in through his cheeks and into his brain to assure him that he is loved, he is safe, and that he can forge a different path than what his genes are telling him to.

I  pray these kisses travel into his REM cycles and steal the scary nightmares around us leaving, us dying, and people from his past hurting him that cause him to wake up countless times in the middle of each night.

I fantasize about each kiss taking a false wiring of his brain and re-wiring it to a new belief that he can solve problems with his words and his wit. That they wrap his new learning in hugs and safety blankets to save them there forever.
And mostly, I give him kisses upon kisses because soon he will not be sleeping in my bed when Daddy is at work…..he will not come snuggle me at school because he got mistreated at school and chose to fight back instead of tell an adult…..he will be too embarrassed to seek me in public when scared or overwhelmed – I count these moments and save them in my brain forever because I know they will not last.I can’t wait to watch him grow up and become the man that he was created to be. But with that is fear that we can’t rewire fast enough….that we can’t teach him new ways complete enough…..or sometimes just that we might just not be enough. I am trying to combat this with reminders to increase my faith and trust and prayers….and until those produce an outcome – let the snuggle and smooth therapy continue.