Category Archives: Foster/Adopt

35/40 – on Mom’s moment(s)

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You know my Mom is a talker (her and my Dad passed along strong genes to 4 extremely extroverted chatty offspring) so this long post is no surprise…..plus a good excuse to share some silly childhood and college photos.

There are numerous, numerous moments and milestones of my Patti over the years …but it’s the very “simple memories” that makes me feel this Momma’s love and smile the most on this week of her “40th” Birthday…

When she was very young her absolute favorite food was always salad!  If she was given a choice of candy or salad…she would always choose salad! Crazy, Crazy Girl!!

Nothing compares to her young imagination tho…from the imaginary “Sunglass Family” which she graced us with constantly for quite a few years to follow about their imaginary adventures when she was around age 4 to the adventurous novel she wrote in her younger years (complete with multiple chapters, index, etc)…there are way too many examples to count of how her imagination entertained us for years!!

She loved, loved, loved office-paper supplies! Going back-to-school shopping was a must each year…and Patti cared very little for the school clothes shopping but it was the school-office supplies that made her the most excited!  Binders, organizers, notebooks, pens, paper, post-it notes, scissors…you name it, she LOVED it!!

(Also, she was not the tidiest child of mine and in her bedroom, especially under her bed or in her closet we would find mountains and mountains of doodled paper, scraps, pens, pencils, etc  for all school or personal projects of hers!!)

The multitude of dances that were created with her cousin Cara through their younger years at our annual family camping trips for the pure entertainment of Gramma & Grampa and many of her Aunts and Uncles brought us all loads of smiles and laughter! And, through this current year at our own family camping trips amongst her brothers and their families she can be found creating many, many tik-tok dances with her nieces for us to enjoy all over again!!

One of my most treasured, small but beautiful memory of mine tho is one which we shared when driving her to Pullman for her first year at WSU (Go COUGS)…the anticipation, anxiety and excitement was at a very high level in our car and about 2 hours outside of Pullman, she handed me her headphones to listen to a song which brought on way to many tears for me as I gazed out the window at the beautiful wheat fields and listened intently to those words…. “Wide Open Spaces” by the then Dixie Chicks. At that time I had never heard it before and she wanted me to listen to the song to remind me it was time for her to leave our home and go spread her wings out in the world! Oh goodness… to this day that song brings back that memory and tears to my eyes thinking of that car ride and the soon to be dreaded “good-bye” I was going to have to say to my Girl!!

Actual picture from the morning I left to WSU my freshman year. Sweet slippers.

Again, none of these mentioned are big milestones for my Patti of which there are many, many, many…most of all her unrelenting, admirable crusade of support and having the biggest heart possible for ANY kiddo, especially those with trauma…but these are just a few of my “simple memories” that this Momma heart holds with so many Smiles, Joy and with so much Love!!!

Thank you Mom for your forever support of me, my big and little milestones, and all the little Wonders we bring in (and unfortunately sometimes out) of your life along the way.

31/40 – on our adoption day

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I get to share my birthday week with another lovely celebration – a day when we got to forever welcome WonderBOY and WonderGIRL into our family forever and ever. There was a lot of emotions that went into the build up to this day and lot of grief that is inherently mixed up in adoption. But for us as parents, it was ultimately a public affirmation that we were doing the right thing. And a relief that the life of these two little ones wouldn’t be hanging in the balance between chaos and care any longer.

You can read more about the details of this day and see more pics here.

This year (October 18th) marks 7 years as a forever family!!!

30/40 – on van rides and team dinners

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As most of you are aware, I’m a pretty strict volleyball coach (out of love and competitiveness of course). Once practice starts, players are only allowed to talk about volleyball and we stay pretty focused on what we need to do during the two hour block of time we get to grow our skills physically and mentally.

And then at other times, outside of the gym, I get to know these players on a much deeper level. I hear about their interests, their life dreams and goals, questions and wonderings about our world, and of course some romantic relationship problems come up from time to time.

As a mom and educator, I really value these “in between” times of being a coach. We spend a lot of time driving in these cozy vans and other hours at all of our teammates’ houses (thank you by the way!!!) for team dinner once a week. I hope their families appreciate other caring adults speaking encouragement and life lessons to their children and I hope the players at some point in their adult life, think back to some of these conversations as critical points in an important decision or problem solving situation they will ultimately face after their career as an athlete in high school is over.

Yesterday during our van ride home, players were asking me about foster care and my experiences and per usual the comment came up, “I can’t imagine being that attached to the kids and then they leave your family.” To which I replied very genuinely, becoming attached to other humans and then letting them go is a CENTRAL part of the human experience that everyone experiences. I become deeply attached to both my players and my students for a few years at a time, and then we let them go to a new chapter and new adults to attach to. I cherish watching them from afar on their social medias or updates from their parents and I hold my pride for them always for what they gave to our volleyball program when they were at FHS.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned as I get older and have moments of attachment is to APPRECIATE the moments right there, in the present, while they are happening knowing this break in attachment will come someday. So full circle –> this conversation happened last night in our van ride home, which made me appreciate those sometimes very long van rides after a very long day of volleyball to which I can now include in my 40 moments blog adventure! Love it when that happens…..

17/40 – It’s not just about them

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As much of parenting children with extreme histories of trauma is, periods of doubt and questioning come up often. This is not unique to foster and adoptive parenting as I hear from a number of parents that raising whole and healthy humans is the toughest job around and no one hands us instruction manuals. But the variable here that is pertinent to raising others’ children is the lack of shared genetics, knowledge of histories and feelings of helplessness that comes from not knowing anything about what happened before they came into your world and changed it forever.

And sometimes the only comfort for that helplessness is sharing the misery and connecting with other trauma parents in the same boat. While I was sharing a particular update within the last 6 months that has been incredibly difficult for our family and for one of our Wonders with another adoptive parent, he said something that has stuck with me and given me hope during some very dark moments, weeks, and periods of questioning. He assured/reminded me of the fact that intergenerational trauma and the effects of trauma can be passed down through multiple generations. So our influence on their lives is not just meaningful if a positive outcome comes out of our efforts to that particular child….but the influence will persist into the very chemistry of their children, their grandchildren and on and on and on.

When we signed on to foster and eventually adopt, we wanted to steer the path of these vulnerable little ones toward a better outlook gifted to them through a series of horrific events and experiences. So thinking about it in this “long game” sense gave me some hope that our efforts weren’t wasted and hoping that just a slight break in these cycles would benefit our future grandchildren and beyond.

If you are parenting (or educating or caring for vulnerable children in any way), I see you and the hard work you are putting in. The sacrifices to your families and network of loved ones, to your health and the emotional safekeeping of all those around you. I encourage you to find some perspective in this knowledge and release some of the pressure you might be putting on yourself to save them (they are not broken) or to get a positive outcome (we are not in control of another human’s future, even though we try).

If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend the following read (not only if you are a foster/adopt parent but also if you know generations before you experienced specific or historical trauma) – it might shed some light on some mysteries surrounding you or your health.

#11-#16/40 – on the beginning of our forever family

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Alright so yes this is cheating. I am going to link a blog post I did a while back documenting some pivotal moments in the forming of our family with our little (at the time) Wonders. But if I’m nothing else at almost 40 years old, I am efficient and always looking for a way to get things done faster.

On the story of us – 7 years later

A collection of inspiring quotes and my fave inspirational photo of my two little ones.

On my favorite “gives”

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I love giving gifts that mean something to the receiver and honoring something from that particular point in time. I don’t always knock it out of the park and sometimes I just run out of time, but I was excited about a few things this particular Christmas.

Honoring a lost loved one:
The Wonders’ biological mother passed away a few years ago which resulted in some complicated grief for both of them in their own ways. I wanted to honor her memory in a way that both of them could access when desired and for years to come. We had saved letters that she had written to the kiddos when they were in foster care and she was working on getting them back. Although the entirety of the letter is not her handwriting, I knew the signature was and had that made into special bracelets for them.

The box included the bracelet, the original letter, and a laminated picture of her signature to keep all in one special spot.

Honoring a hard year(s):
Each year, our family members write letters to each other and those are the first things we open Christmas morning. I combined my love of photos with my new favorite song/anthem of the year (from my favorite new podcast of the year). Each time I heard this song, I would imagine what it would be like for each of my family members to TRULY believe the words and live their truth and best, healed lives moving forward and it got me each time. If you ever saw me singing in my car, it was most likely to this song at a high volume (or a 90’s hip hop playlist). Their “letters” included a special picture from this year, a card explaining the lyrics and a special laminated (can you tell I got a laminator for Christmas?) picture with the lyrics overplayed for them to display somewhere they might need it.

Stay tuned for another blog post with one more special present I gifted this year. What was your favorite that you watched someone unwrap with love this year?

On the “transition” away from us

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I struggled with what to call the experience of WonderGIRL moving out of our house unexpectedly this last summer – although many writers talk about it as a transition (when your teen moves out or goes to college) defined as “the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another”….that just didn’t fit this particular experience.

Our experience was much less of a process and ongoing period but a jump off a cliff into the anxiety-ridden unknown. And as we move forward, I am going to write about this experience just from my point of view and not sharing a lot of details about her or her choices during this time – and the reason I’m writing about it at all is to practice my own form of self-care and survival and my own processing of disenfranchised grief that happened during this time.

At the end of July, WG decided she was ready for adulthood outside of our home. While I am sure she was fully convinced she had the skills necessary to do so at the time, I knew a different story but had no control one way or the other. In Brene Brown’s newest book (must-read BTW), she writes, “as it turns out, being able to see what’s coming doesn’t make it any less painful when it arrives.” Because the thing is, we PREPARED for this transition. We were talking about her adulthood with her therapist starting at the age of 16! We purchased a house to transition into a downstairs apartment for her. We had countless conversations spelling out (and acting out awkwardly) every hard thing she might encounter and how her emotions might react to front load her body’s reaction. We provided all the safety and the protection and the structure that all the books said we should.

The only picture I have of us during this time period. We saw each other less than 5 times in 5 months.

And I’m pretty sure the hurt and the grief was the same amount as folks that literally didn’t even see the cliff looming ahead. After she left, we tried to set up regular meeting times – they all fell through. After she left, I tried to text and remind her of our unconditional love – they weren’t returned. After she left, I checked my phone obsessively just for a sign that she was still alive or hadn’t ended up at the ER for suicidal thoughts. I felt twinges of hope when she sounded lucid and genuine and then waves of despair when I encountered the shell of a daughter I had raised for the last 7 years.

I truly felt like a failure – I did all the things that I knew how to do from countless trainings on the effects of trauma. I did all the things I thought I should do as a foster/adoptive mama. I advocated for her in all the ways I knew how to – and it still ended like this and her choices were that of any other kiddo aging out of foster care (I’ll share those devastating stats below) – so what was all the heartache, the criminal trial, the social workers, the allegations, the painful moments even for?!?!

This feeling (not her or her actions, just MY bodily response) sent me into a state of depression for quite a few months this Summer/Fall. People even reached out to me with typical requests to share my blog or talk to their friends about adopting or taking in teens with trauma and I told them I was the wrong person to ask – I would have told them to run the other way!!!!

I went to work and to volleyball and sometimes thought of nothing else besides returning to my bed and Netflix the second I could. I found small pockets of joy (especially during volleyball) that kept me going but was having a hard time. I found this image while scrolling social media and it resonated with me for that time period – like I’m going to work and outwardly showing signs of flourishing, but definitely ALSO in a period of depression.

And just in case someone you know is in a similar state, I thought I would share a little section titled “What helped me during this time period?”
– my husband and WB understanding my grief and letting me be
– check ins with our therapist
– vocalizing my struggle to my colleagues and my volleyball team
– adjusting my goals of movement and self-care to accurate standards (work out 1/week vs everyday for example)
– texts that just say “checking in” without any judgement if I don’t respond
– being clear with my boundaries (“I don’t want anyone to come in my room tonight”, “I can’t go to that family thing – you need to go without me.”)

Although WG didn’t technically age out while “in the system”, any history of foster care and a trauma-brain can contribute to these outcomes.

Again, I am writing about this experience just to process it for myself but also to highlight a journey that I don’t see revealed in many other places. Having a struggling adult child with mental health issues is SO ISOLATING – you care about their privacy and dignity with their own story and can’t share the same as with a little child, yet folks really don’t know how to help or what to say even if you do share. So you spare them that experience and say nothing…..

As I am still smack-dab in the middle of this transition, other things I’d like to document here:
– what I learned (about myself, about young adults with her background, about our system)
– the impact on my marriage

BraveGIRL graduates too

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BraveGIRL after months of not speaking to us, gave us two tickets to see her graduate. We are so proud of this one and so happy to be back in her life – for as long as she’ll have us!

Excerpt from Instagram:
Fostering teens is messy. Their trauma plus normal teenage changes can create some storms that can last days and even months. 

And as I tried to tell myself in the middle of those storms….when they ran away from home, blocked me from any contact, yelled all the mean things, threatened suicide and even sat in a jail cell for a night – we were planting seeds that will eventually grow. More seeds. More water. More seeds. More water. 

Seeds of healthy relationships with more trust and less manipulation. Seeds of wellness and coping skills vs. easy fixes. Seeds of learning and growth vs. avoidance and excuses. Seeds of restoration and healing vs. denial and going through the motions. 

This weekend our two foster teens graduated high school with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts. With their histories pulling them back from this milestone every step of the way, they persevered and rose above what had happened to them. The harvest could not be prevented….

If you’re in the middle of a relational storm right now….focus on the seeds. Little tiny actions you are modeling that exposes the other to your goodness and light without forcing them to show theirs in the exact same ways. ? 

And also….I see you. I honor the work and the exhaustion. Keep breathing. Keep going. Give yourself grace – you only need enough for right now. ✨✨✨ More is on its way…..

A piece of writing that BG wrote in her senior English class – tears upon tears.

On WonderGIRL’s school journey

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A look back at each grade….the photos (sorry sis), the memories, the favorite teachers, and lessons learned! Enjoy!

5th grade
This is the year I met my WonderGIRL. She was new to our elementary school (since moving in with her Grandma the summer prior) and very excited to meet with me whenever she had the chance. I had a special lunch for all of our new Nooksack students and left a small paper invite on her desk the day of the event. She bounced in enthusiastically and was instantly the life of the party. Long story short….after that day, we had weekly meetings uncovering crisis after crisis outside of school, which led to a disclosure, which led to placement in foster care, which led to a final spot in our home. At the end of the school year, we cleaned out her backpack and tucked inside a little pocket was the invite from me to the special lunch she had saved…..when I asked her why she saved it, her reply was “It was the first time I had ever received an invitation to anything.” (insert heartbreak here).

I didn’t get her school pic this year but she participated in dance this year and loved it! I however had a lot to learn about being a dance Mom – her teacher, Mrs. Jones had to drag me kicking and screaming instruct me every step of the way.

I am BEYOND grateful for the staff at NES for their support of WonderGIRL and little bro (and ME) this school year. The pursuit of their foster placement then inviting them to our home, then working through childcare and juggling my life as a new and instant parent was as HEAVY and chaotic lift and this staff held me and the kiddos above water daily and I will never forget these months in transition with them. They were equal parts therapists, feeding specialists, bodyguards (against bio family), and most importantly, our cheerleaders every step of the way.

  • Mrs. Malpica
  • Ms. Tjoelker and Mrs. Maxwell


Middle School 6th-8th grade
Well….I was going to try to go year by year but this entire season of our life was a bit of a blur. As the honeymoon phase ran out in our home for both kiddos, middle school was a TOUGH time for WonderGIRL. She was facing insurmountable trauma with a looming criminal trial against her bio father (where she had to testify in person) and at the same time, trying to attach and be cared for by our family. School had always been a safe place where WG could leave the troubles of home and create her own world of personality, attitude and stories to get what she needed…..and middle school was no different. We learned how to tackle missing assignments and homework (with minimal bumps and bruises), managing multiple teachers and expectations (very challenging for kids with trauma still early in attachment skills), and a lot of lessons in friendships – the creating and keeping of quality relationships during this stage was hard.

  • 6th grade
  • 7th grade
  • 8th grade

During her 7th grade year, we got to adopt WG and going to the school to tell her she was legally free to adopt is one of my favorite memories of this time. Her teachers rallied around her excitement and shared the joy as if they were in our family as well.

8th grade was a bit of a minefield with behaviors and academics – but we survived and were ready for a fresh start in a new home and new school district.

Freshman
Since moving to Ferndale, we knew that WG would start her career at Ferndale High School (my alma mater) and I was excited for her to experience new opportunities, new classes, and new students to create friendships with here that lived close to us. She had mixed feelings about the teachers knowing me and all her uncles, but loved taking a variety of classes (especially culinary!) and jumped head first into trying to make new friends (although she would report she could have made some better choices in this arena). All in all, it was a bit of a rough year but we survived and learned some lessons along the way.

Sophomore
After we evaluated our safety concerns with WG at the public high school and doing some research, we decided to enroll her at a tiny private school down the road from us. We were confident with a small class size and one teacher for an entire day, WG would be able to cope appropriately with her social-emotional needs, and be able to access academic learning. This year, she met Ms. Hanson, literally a teacher angel sent down from heaven, to be WG’s teacher. WG instantly felt connected to her and trusted her (two vital precursors to kids with trauma being able to learn) and later we found out that this teacher had a trauma and adoption history of her own….her understanding and protection of WG this year was such a blessing to our family.

The structure and predictability that this school provided for WG created a “trauma-responsive” school setting that truly allowed WG to grow academically in big ways. We began to see growth not only in her assignments, but in her truth telling, friendship skills, and trust in us as her caregivers.

Junior
Because of Ms. Hanson, we decided to try another year at this school. The growth continued. WG now had a best friend from the school that she was inseparable with and started dating, both milestones that created a lot of lessons (and some grief and loss) this school year. Our beloved Ms. Hanson had to leave before the end of the school year, thus proving the only thing keeping WG at this particular school was the felt safety and care that she provided. Plus we felt WG had made some huge improvements in her behavior, trustworthiness, and academics enough to be ready to finish her schooling at FHS.

Senior
We are so proud of WG this year finishing stronger than ever academically, socially, and beyond. When hearing the results of her cognitive and academic testing for her special education plan, our team was in awe of her jump in scores in every area. I knew that her inner healing from daily (forced) movement and oils, private school, years of counseling, and other methods had done wonders…..but it was nice to hear them in number/evaluation form too.

This was also the year she finally received her spinal fusion surgery (originally scheduled a year prior). That journey is an entire story on it’s own. Click here to read.

WG’s goal this year was for peers and teachers to see her as completely different than her freshman year. And I’m hoping they did….because we do! Ending the year, she already started a job as a caregiver at a local assisted living home, has a wonderfully sweet boyfriend, and is working on financial savings to start paying bills to truly transition to “adulthood.” Next up – graduation and our grad party with our amazing network of supporters…..all the celebrations for how far she has come and how far we believe she can go from here!