Category Archives: Books

On asking for help

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I just recently listened to this podcast episode (highly recommend), highlighting sister Amanda’s experience with stepping into others’ times of needs and how it has shifted her perspective on asking for help. This naturally had me reflecting on my own recent time of need and how difficult it’s been for me to ask for help, but that when I have, the depth and widening of my support system has become crystal clear and has gotten me through multiple dark days.

The three amazing ladies in this episode remark on the act of HELPING and how sacred it feels to be asked to help. I can reflect on those times in my life that I have been asked to step into others’ time of crisis or need as truly some of the most impactful moments I have been a part of. These times include me walking alongside a player of mine with cancer treatments and into her passing, my work with our county mobile response team helping navigate crisis after crisis in our schools and a handful of other personal cases that are not mine to share publicly here. This also lead to me reflecting on how when I don’t ask for help, I am actually denying others’ the chance to feel this impact and value in my life in a similar fashion.

ambigous loss garden metaphor

And because I have just walked a year long process of navigating depression and a number of ambiguous losses (“a person’s profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one”), here are some ideas on what could/do help me so that you can encourage yourself to step into that gap for others. We all know that when when we tell someone else, “please let me know what I can do to help”, this RARELY leads to concrete answers (my own self included here) but in hindsight, I happen to have a number of concrete answers so better late than never right?

Offers of LOVE (aka “help”) to someone going through a private or ambiguous loss:
– clean their house (hiring someone or coming to do it yourself)
– meal offerings (if you’re in my circle, family style Woodstock salad from Guud bowls please and thank you)
– invites so that I have items on my calendar to look forward to and reminders that I am not alone
– walks to get them outside and moving (with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable), bonus points for night walks in the dark so no one can see the crying
– massages or self care (even though this is obvious, I am starting to see the impact of how incredible this experience has been in DISCONNECTING my mind from my body and these kinds of self-care experiences help to soothe that very thing and bring them back together)
– texts or phone calls (even when there is no response): No, it will not make them feel worse. Yes, they definitely read each and every one
– recommendations of impactful books if they are a reader/researcher (bonus points to just send it to their house without asking)
– asking specific questions about counseling and medication support (someone remembering that I have counseling on a certain day and reaching out on that day has been so special and meaningful)
– without permission, making plans to come over and spend time with them (again, with no expectation that they have to shower or look presentable)

And to my circle, thank you for doing these things so I have a list to even put out in the world in the first place. Thank you for stepping into my darkness and being the light. I hope to offer it back to you as we adventure along this painful adulting journey side by side, year after year.

P.S. A few books to consider if you find yourself or another in need of some reading, acceptance, exploration into the journey of healing:

On Touch Trees

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From Untamed by Glennon Doyle (the only book I have ever read twice) – this single chapter has been forever imprinted on my heart for a number of reasons and I wanted to document it’s beauty and impact in this space….

A Touch Tree is one recognizable, strong, large tree that becomes the lost one’s home base. She can adventure out into the woods as long as she returns to her Touch Tree – again and again. This perpetual returning will keep her form getting too far gone.

I’ve spent much of my life lost in the woods of pain, relationships, religion, career, service, success, and failure. Looking back on those times, I can trace my lostness back to a decision to make something outside myself my Touch Tree. An identity. A set of beliefs. An institution. Aspirational ideals. A job. Another person. A list of rules. Approval. An old version of myself.

Now when I feel lost, I remember that I am not the woods. I am my own tree. So I return to myself and reinhabit myself. As I do, I feel my chin rise and my body straighten.

I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me, made up of every girl and woman I’ve ever been, every face I’ve loved, every love I’ve lost, every place I’ve been, every conversation I’ve had, every book I’ve read and song I’ve sung, everything, everything, crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now. All of this too low for anyone else to see, just there for me to draw from. Then up and up all the way to my branches, my imagination, too high for anyone else to see – reaching beyond, growing toward the light and warmth. Then the middle, the trunk, the only part of me entirely visible to the world. Pulpy and soft inside, just tough enough on the outside to protect and hold me. Exposed and safe.

I am as ancient as the earth I’m planted in and as new as my tiniest bloom. I am my own Touch Tree: strong, singular, alive. Still growing.

I have everything I need, beneath me, above me, inside me.

My favorite yoga “tree pose” in one of my all-time favorite spots.

On getting back to blogging

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If you are an avid reader of this blog, you know I aim to include and write about our life’s series of UPS and DOWNS. And life as a foster/adoptive parent, wife of a first responder, and public school educator has given me quite a bit of content to reflect on and attempt to make sense of along this journey.

The last 9 months has been the darkest period I have experienced to date…..with a few glimmers of magic here and there, many pieces of my identity and values I am proudest of were questioned and destroyed. Many times, I thought about coming here to process…..and every time I backed away due to fear of retaliation by those that would use it against me but also to protect a handful of people’s truths and traumas that wouldn’t be healthy to publicize.

Writing has always been a coping strategy and creative outlet for me….at one point in my childhood, my dream career was to become an author and started to write my very own chapter book when I was in the 5th grade (I so wish I could find this). And I just finished reading an amazing book titled Bittersweet by Susan Cain that referenced multiple studies that found that folks that wrote about their troubles, feelings, and trials were calmer, happier, had better health outcomes, and experienced more success with relationships and at work. The author of this book writes “expressive writing encourages us to see our misfortunes not as flaws that make us unfit for worldly success, but as the seeds of our growth.” This last line resonated with me and struck a chord as I realized I missed blogging and making sense of my own misfortunes….and highlighting some of the good stuff as well.

On January 3rd of this year (before my world started to crumble), I brainstormed a list of words that were top of my mind and heart for my 2023 One Little Word – you may notice a foreshadowing in this list (screenshot from my notes):

And I suppose I have had to tap into each of these words at different points in my year, but landed on the word BECOMING for a number of reasons that if you haven’t heard my story yet, will start to make sense as I tell my version of what has happened.

This quote from Michelle Obama is perfect in describing my next adventure so I will end on this and am excited to be back in my little corner of the internet, making sense of my world, myself and the world around me one post at a time.


28/40 – On Grandma’s book collection

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With 6 aunts and uncles and a ton of cousins around, our family gatherings at Grampa and Gramma’s house were filled with lots of noise, laughter, cousin wrestling and other shenanigans that I have fond memories of. They had a large house that I viewed as a mansion at a time and the bottom floor was where cousins got to hang out quite a bit to watch tv and play.

In the corner of this bottom floor was my Grandma’s book collection, which included this set of “The Bobbsey Twins” chapter books. When just me and my brother were visiting (and he wouldn’t let me change the tv from anything but wrestling), I was enamored with these books and was a voracious reader. But more than the content, I loved the feel of the old bindings and the fragile pages beneath my fingers.

Once my grandparents moved out of that house, I was fortunate enough to inherit this book collection. They now are displayed prominently in my own home with other treasured stories like my scrapbooks, our wedding memory box and other meaningful artifacts.

And even though my children didn’t catch this love of reading to enjoy these books, the display in my home brings me comfort and joy. It also serves as an inspiration for what I hope to emulate in family gatherings like my grandparents did as my children get older and eventually start bringing new generations of kiddos into my home to feel the same love and joy I got growing up.

On the systems that help AND harm….

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As a passionate educator, I came into my school counseling career with limited life experience but a lot of educational training on students and all the things that stand in the way of their academic success (personal background, learning disabilities, child abuse, opportunity gaps, etc.). And as my years of professional personal experience continue to climb, I am confronted with more and more systemic harms and systemic oppression that are much larger barriers for so many of my students, my own child navigating the “adult world”, and a lot of other humans I come into contact with that are a far heavier burden than any of those individual circumstances.

And sometimes when describing these barriers, it is hard for others to gain perspective on these hurts and barriers if never confronted with them personally. For example, I knew about the justice system inequities from reading this book and other news, but was not personally affected until on trial for my WonderGIRL’s trial against her abuser and then later part of a jury selection process that weeded me out for “knowing too much about childhood trauma’s impact on memory and the brain.” The anger that raged inside of me knowing that our jury didn’t believe my daughter because no one on that jury knew or could explain what happens to a brain that has been abused over time will never go away…..

I thought I would leave a few key readings or listening resources you might be interested in to gain some others’ perspectives as you move forward in our world that I need to hope will move in a forward direction toward “liberty and justice for all.”

My favorite post from the 4th of July – a holiday that had many conflicting feelings so so many people.

Educational trauma – I love my job as a school counselor and love the services and empowerment that public education provides to students and families. But the inequities are HUGE – I appreciate my colleagues and passionate leaders who also see these injustices and work on removing both collective and individual barriers to learning and growth for our most vulnerable little humans. There are a lot of books out there that can speak to marginalized groups and their experiences in school but here is one that I tore through with both curiosity and anger (I saw the author speak live at this conference and was hooked on her mission):

Religious trauma – I have always had some doubts on collective group religion although feel strongly about the power of having strong, individual faith journeys. Especially when it comes to the views and judgement passed onto to the LGTBQIA community, which in my opinion, is completely counterintuitive to the teachings of the bible. If you’re interested in learning more (since this is not my story to share but something I think needs to be shared), here are a few stories to listen to/watch in order to stretch your thinking on the topic.

We Can Do Hard Things podcast –

Mormon No More documentary on Hulu – featuring two lovely humans I have followed on Instagram for years now

I also fully acknowledge that these stories are ones that I personally sought out and received from folks that look like me, think like me and while I try to look at things from both sides, these are issues about human rights that cannot afford folks to remain neutral and sit on the fence about. I am looking forward to voting and getting involved with legislation in hopes we can move forward as a country….as well as continue to build safe spaces for little ones to find their voice, show compassion for others, and grow into leaders who will make our world a better place (insert all hope placed in future generations here). Thanks for reading and exploring with me.

17/40 – It’s not just about them

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As much of parenting children with extreme histories of trauma is, periods of doubt and questioning come up often. This is not unique to foster and adoptive parenting as I hear from a number of parents that raising whole and healthy humans is the toughest job around and no one hands us instruction manuals. But the variable here that is pertinent to raising others’ children is the lack of shared genetics, knowledge of histories and feelings of helplessness that comes from not knowing anything about what happened before they came into your world and changed it forever.

And sometimes the only comfort for that helplessness is sharing the misery and connecting with other trauma parents in the same boat. While I was sharing a particular update within the last 6 months that has been incredibly difficult for our family and for one of our Wonders with another adoptive parent, he said something that has stuck with me and given me hope during some very dark moments, weeks, and periods of questioning. He assured/reminded me of the fact that intergenerational trauma and the effects of trauma can be passed down through multiple generations. So our influence on their lives is not just meaningful if a positive outcome comes out of our efforts to that particular child….but the influence will persist into the very chemistry of their children, their grandchildren and on and on and on.

When we signed on to foster and eventually adopt, we wanted to steer the path of these vulnerable little ones toward a better outlook gifted to them through a series of horrific events and experiences. So thinking about it in this “long game” sense gave me some hope that our efforts weren’t wasted and hoping that just a slight break in these cycles would benefit our future grandchildren and beyond.

If you are parenting (or educating or caring for vulnerable children in any way), I see you and the hard work you are putting in. The sacrifices to your families and network of loved ones, to your health and the emotional safekeeping of all those around you. I encourage you to find some perspective in this knowledge and release some of the pressure you might be putting on yourself to save them (they are not broken) or to get a positive outcome (we are not in control of another human’s future, even though we try).

If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend the following read (not only if you are a foster/adopt parent but also if you know generations before you experienced specific or historical trauma) – it might shed some light on some mysteries surrounding you or your health.

On my school counseling must-haves

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Now that I’m pumping out videos on my Tik Tok account, I tend to get similar questions about resources, book study books, and other tools from my counseling office….and even though I keep answering them in the comments, I thought I’d compile my answers and links all in one blog post for folks to refer to here. Click on image to read more and purchase if interested.

Question: If you were to recommend reading one book about trauma-informed practices (for myself or a book study), what would it be?

Question: If you were to purchase one resource for your first year as a school counselor, what would it be?

Question: If you were to purchase one sensory tool for your office, what would it be?

Question: If you were moving to an admin or behavioral support position, what book would you recommend?

Question: If you were to have one board game in your office, what would it be?

Question: My ________ just became a teacher/school counselor and I want to get them something special. What should I get them?

I am trying to keep my amazon storefront lists current, so if you’re interested in more, feel free to check that out (and help me out along the way)!

What questions am I missing? What products/resources are you interested in?

On working with and loving kids with trauma

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Throughout my years as a school counselor and then as a mama to my Wonders, I have fallen into the lane of diving into, educating about, and training colleagues on how to work with kiddos who have experienced trauma. There has been so much current research and actual neuroscience that SHOULD change the way we do business with kids (and frankly, with adults as well). And since it hasn’t caught on as widespread as I would like, I try and do my part to influence who I can on the importance of this information.

With some new folks visiting my blog, I thought I would do some posts that will collate some of that information. Tik Tok episode 1: Whatever you are, be consistent (ie, “predictable”)!

Tik tok episode 2: Frontloading the change in schedule or anxiety trigger.
Tik Tok episode 3: Talk your thoughts.

And if you’re more of a book reader versus a Tik Tok watcher…here are my top 3 suggestions!

All books (and more) linked in my Amazon storefront! Stay tuned for more information regarding this topic….and if you’re here for cute pics of my kiddos and cats, then check back later!!

7/40 moments – on the book that jumpstarted my hope

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As a human that fell in love with a man with complex PTSD and a handful of elementary school children with similar struggles (before we begun our fostering journey), there was a period of time when I felt super frustrated with what was available to me and them as far as resources. When I am faced with a situation I don’t understand, I want to learn more and research and dive into the topic.

But at the time (over 10 years ago), there was not a lot available as far as reading, internet groups, documentaries, etc. on this topic. And I knew in my gut that there had to be more out there and different ways of doing things, healing, shifting the education system to better support folks that have experienced childhood trauma.

Enter this book:

This book really helped me understand the role of traumatic experiences living inside our bodies and playing out in physical responses (versus being just a brain/thought process that was affected). And although I had graduated with my masters in counseling, the spectrum of other services and resources that actually showed greater healing potential than just talk therapy outlined in this book really opened my eyes.

Reading this book motivated me to look further into other modalities of healing for both my husband and my students (and for my future mama self, my foster children). Unfortunately, some of the only recommendations offered to folks (especially children) who have experienced trauma is medication and talk therapy. And although sometimes those do help address the symptoms, there are so many other options out there that I wish would be promoted as options as well. These include things like yoga, mindfulness, EMDR, psychedelic interventions, and specific trauma informed types of therapy.

Later, this book was a catalyst in me advocating for my WonderGIRL as her parade of counselors provided by the state were just not doing anything for her or for us. I dove into attachment therapy and really felt like it was what she needed. It led us to our current therapist who is still treating WG and I am the MOST grateful we found her and she agreed to walk alongside our family during some of our toughest years.

Since I read this, I have also found other books that have really helped me become more trauma-informed and invested both at work and in my family. If you are interested in some of these reads, here is a link to my recommended reading list.

On the GIFT of stories

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I am a self-proclaimed lover of stories (evidence in my About Me page: Lover of stories – written, photographed, shared, observed, etc.) and I was super excited about keeping a secret all year long working on a project capturing my beloved Grandma’s stories in one little spot. She turned 90 last December and to capture her 90th trip around the sun, we embarked on a week by week journal prompt from the company Storyworth that happened to be blowing up my social media ads around this time last year.

Because of different time commitments, we made it through 26 stories. The most beautiful gift was the time I got to spend with her each week on the phone, catching up on life and hearing about her childhood/past (many stories I had heard before but I still loved hearing them again). I also loved digging through her old pictures and memorabilia to find snippets to add to the book.

The trickiest part? Keeping it a secret!!! Both she and I didn’t tell our families what we were working on which meant sometimes she (or I) had to hear some doubled up tales of life from my mom or other family members. My mom was brought to tears as she opened up the gift and realized what was inside. I know she will treasure this book and the light-hearted tales inside for years to come….

My Grandma, Mom and I reviewing the finished product, sassy photos and all!

I highly recommend this gift for someone in your life or even for YOU if you want to capture your own voice and experiences for future generations – the emailed prompts and questions made it super easy to input text and photos and then did all of the formatting directly on the website. Click here for a little discount code if you’re interested.