As I have talked about multiple times on the blog, my sweet husband and I’s relationship has been a blessed but rocky road of overcoming many things (as many marriages are). We began seeking counseling before we were married and continue to work on our relationship and our own baggage and trust issues from childhood.

Now that our marriage is an example for our children heading into the real world, I constantly reflect on what we are showcasing to them on a daily basis and whether or not it will help or hurt them build a solid long-lasting relationship to start their own families.

And at the beginning of our placement with the Wonders, I would feel soooo guilty about any fighting or arguing that happened in front of the kiddos. They would hear our snarky voices or us walking away from each other in anger…..or they would observe our passive aggressive actions and comments that we tried to disguise in “adult language.” We would try and include them in the restore and forgiveness stage of this conflict so they could learn that arguing doesn’t always lead to someone leaving (a message engrained in their minds and hearts from childhood) but sometimes I still wondered if it was ruining their hopes of this new family environment being perfect in every way for them.

But OUR wonders may need to see something different than other children who have been raised in a healthily attached home. Just like our relationship is burdened with triggers and ghosts from a traumatic childhood, theirs will be too. They will struggle with trusting their partner, crippled with fear that something bad is always going to happen, unable to enjoy a positive period because of that imminent fear…..and these things will drain them and their partner be harmful to their relationship IF they don’t know any ways to get through this.

What I hope and pray they see in our marriage is:
– as many “I forgive you’s” as apologies
– even when mean words are said, we restore and come back together
– no one ever leaves (and if they do, it’s a coping strategy and they always come back)
– daily choosing to commit to their partner no matter what they have been through (and multiple home decor signs documenting this just in case we forget – wink wink)
– respectful language around feelings and actions, not blaming and accusations
– this relationship is HARD WORK…..and that hard work needs to happen often for it to survive
– tears and strong feelings mean the relationship is important, not that that the relationship is doomed to end
– non-perfect people make non-perfect marriages –> and imperfection means a huge need for communication, emotional coping skills, and forgiveness