I have talked to lots of parents throughout my years as a school counselor and just mama-to-mama talks about how to help children regulate their emotions. Many times it can feel like you are just along for the ride as they navigate life’s highs and lows (that probably in your opinion shouldn’t even have been a feeling at all) in BIG ways and if being honest, usually in public….with eyes watching….judging……and your cheeks turning red……

I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks I pass along to those parents in order to help their child LEARN how to regulate their own emotions (versus the parents stepping in and doing it for them). I, myself, have one kiddo that feels big feelings on a daily basis and another who is pretty numb and doesn’t show any feelings. And if given the choice, between the two, I would 100% choose the big feelings because these reactions and strategies to regulate them are easily taught and remembered.

Always remember that all feelings are OKAY, but some reactions to feelings are NOT OKAY. When we tell children to NOT feel something, this is suppressing a very real physical reaction in their body and in adulthood, this suppression of feelings can result in lower skills in problem solving and denial of problems that need help/mental health support.

1. Rate the problem. (NOTE: this does not say “name the problem” – it doesn’t always matter WHAT actually happened, but we can just help the child REACT to the problem).

   Parent: “What size problem is this? Small, medium or big? (for an older child/teen you can have them rate it 1-10)
   ** Don’t disagree with the child’s rating but if you don’t agree, you can say “Okay….I probably would say small but let’s go with ________.**
   If the child says small, I would say “Okay sounds like you can handle that one on your own and move on.”
   If the child says medium or big, I would say “What can we do to turn it into a small or medium problem?”
   (You could teach these beforehand or give a few examples like….take a deep breath and move on, apologize, use calm words to tell the other child ________, etc.)

   This can help the child learn that not all problems are HUGE and that they are in control of choosing how they react.

2. Choice or choice.
   If you child has a hard time hearing the word no, try to increase the amount of control they “perceive” to have by giving them two choices that are BOTH acceptable to you as the parent. This is especially helpful during transition times or schedule changes.

   Child: “I don’t want to go to bed.”
   Parent: “You can either go to bed now and I’ll turn off your lights or you can choose a book to read for 5 minutes and then turn the lights off yourself.”

   Many times, we are trying to make our children OBEY when the extra 1-2 minutes or extra 1-2 chips at lunch doesn’t matter in the big picture. Children need to know they have control and choices and can make compromises with other people as problem solvers.

3. Give them time to regulate before a disappointment.
   When a choice isn’t possible and a firm no is coming…..give your child some time to be ready and anticipate their own disappointment.

   Child: “Can I have extra game/screen time?
   Parent: “I’m about to tell you an answer you’re not going to like and it might make you mad. Are you ready for me to tell you?”
   If child says no, then say you’ll ask again in a minute.
   If child says yes, I would say “If you’re mad when I tell you the answer, that’s okay. What strategy can you use if you’re mad? (breathing, go to room, get a hug, etc.). Unfortunately, game time is done for the day but if you ask again respectfully tomorrow, I will add an extra 1-5 minutes onto your screen time.”

   **It’s important to reward a calm and respectful response, even if they are mad.**

If you are parenting a special kiddo with big feelings, I hope this helped you (there are lots more tricks I’ve learned along the way that I would love to share with you). But more importantly, I hope you appreciate that a child with big feelings also means they experience LIFE in a way that is exaggerated and colorful and AWESOME. For the low lows and the big tantrums, there is usually BIGTIME JOY and that is what being a kid is all about.

(check out this big time joy- WonderBOY and his Mickey Mouse pancake at our favorite Everson Cafe 544)