Do these faces look like kids who are grieving????? (especially in that cutie patootie trailer they are posing in?)

Oftentimes, when people get to meet our little wonders, there are comments about how happy they are, well-behaved, polite, lucky to have us, etc. etc. And while those comments are probably true at that specific point in time (WB and WG do their best work in public), there is definitely some grieving going on right now. Evidence – tandem tantrums from the two of them a few nights back in the Target aisles after playing “spy” and hiding from me and then getting lost in the grocery section quickly thereafter – only strangers got to witness that fun adventure. Their grief comes out behind closed doors with us who are now their circle of safety and security. With legal adoption on the horizon (within months!!!), one might guess/assume that the one thing they’ve been begging social workers for since we got them 2 1/2 years ago would be creating some comfort or relief. But in contrast, it has really confused them and they are grieving what I would call “the life that could have/should have” been.

WonderGIRL is still resolving some conflicts around forgiveness and her trauma. Thus, her behavior has been extra defiant and manipulative as of late. We are trying to set boundaries and give appropriate consequences balanced with compassion and then my heart breaks when I hear her ask “Will this make you not want to adopt me?” She messes up and then the guilt from that catapults into so many other conflicting emotions – poor thing.

WonderBOY has always had hard feelings around his birthday and his birth story. The past couple of weeks, bed time has brought about many tears with statements like “I wish I had been born from your tummy” and “I want a re-do of everything that happened to me”. On one day he might be so excited to “be adopted and have a party” and then other days, he truly questions whether or not this is what he wants. We take all of his words and his thoughts at face value and try to provide the reassurance that he needs. Luckily, his self-regulation has gotten to a good point where he can actually talk about his feelings without violence or aggression (thank you counseling!!!!!).

I am writing this post just to reflect and process this point of the journey, not to make any comparisons or seek out sympathy for what we’re going through. Obviously, Scott and I are extremely excited we get to move forward with our family in a legal sense and I hope in some years, we can look back at this point in time and acknowledge how far the kids are going to come with their emotions and behaviors. While grief about their past will not do a disappearing act the day our adoption goes through, we are hopeful that a true “permanent” decision will provide some calm in their hearts and minds.