For the past couple of days, our sweet, joyful WonderGIRL has been HARD. Hard to parent, hard to have patience with, and at times, hard just to be around. Yes, yes, I know 13-year olds are already hard, have attitude, forget everything you say, can’t focus, stomp up the stairs, etc……but our 13 year old with a head and heart full of trauma carries a number of triggers that aren’t included in a typical teenager’s arsenal of weapons against their parents. This is where the frustration of parenting is always underscored by the overwhelming sadness of her story and her past, a lifetime of events that we have NO CONTROL over and can never take away from her.

This morning in church after some arguing and tears from WG, I wrote her a note to remind her that I love her. It read….
Dear WG,
I love you even when you argue and even when you drive me bonkers. I love you because you’re you.
Love, Mama

And pictured above is the note I got in return. This note accurately summarizes the triggers behind the behavior that always come back to her past, her abandonment, and her crazy amount of FEAR in us leaving her. It was a powerful reminder that at my peak of frustration, I need to dive into the reason behind her behavior and open the door of communication for her to share her hurts. We call it “clearing the space” in her brain….clear out the hurt and the fear, so she can fill that space with making good choices and thinking before acting.

Many times when I share my struggles in parenting our two wonders, many well-intentioned people share that their kids do the same things. I believe this is an effort to “normalize” my feelings which I do appreciate and it does make me feel better as a rookie Mama. But what they do not see is the difference in our kiddos – their children were most likely raised in a safe and healthy environment where they know that as bad as they act, their parents will continue to love and protect them. Our children do not know that….that is not their baseline. Their brains were formed under the filter of fear (drowned in cortisol/adrenaline, our stress hormone) and thus, we get behaviors that can be more aggressive, more volatile, and harder to influence. And as I have said before, we embrace this difference and we rise to the occasion with creativity, faith, and a whole lot of humor in moving forward with our story.

And just to end on a cute note, check out WonderBoy’s “notes” during service this morning:

“I love God and you.”